Our World has Changed Forever and It’s Not Coming Back

On September 1, 2001 a gaggle of terrorists – at least one of whom spent his last night on Earth drinking demon rum while ogling strippers – caught the early flight out of Portland , ME. The rest, as they say, is history.

When the dust settled George W. Bush grabbed a megaphone, climbed atop some rubble, threw his arm around a fireman, and gave a fiery speech about truth, justice, and the American way. The good ol’ boy fireman hug was a bit over-the-top, but otherwise it was the perfect thing to rally a country on edge and staring into a bottomless pit of C4.

It also marked the last time I agreed with just about anything he said and the last time there was any semblance of civility in the political process.

At the time, every pundit and politician talked about how the attacks were game-changers. The most oft-heard phrase was, “Our world has changed forever.”

That sure turned out a gross understatement.

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You Know You Might Be a Liberal If…

Kiss Me I'm a Liberal

GEORGE SURE HAS CHANGED - To a liberal this is either the worst thing in the world that could happen or testament to the fact that progressive ideals are so powerful they can influence anyone.

Note: Turnabout is fair play, so enjoy this companion post to last week’s You Know You Might Be a Tea Partier If… And moderates, your turn will come soon too.

You know you might be a liberal if you:

  • Make protest signs with perfect grammar and spelling, but that quote Camus…in the original French.
  • You’re willing to fight an uphill election battle, but no one understands your commercials.
  • Think of your party’s Big Tent as a canopy for a reception party after a gay wedding.
  • Refer to George W. Bush as the Anti-Christ, but are incensed when the right calls Obama The Messiah™.
  • Protest horrible work conditions for migrant farm workers, hotel maids, and Chinese prison labor…by throwing a $500 per head cheese and wine tasting.
  • Advocate for homeless rights…provided they don’t live in your neighborhood.
Conservative Babes

CONSERVATIVES ARE HOTTER...

  • Want environmental protections for every species on Earth…except those icky bugs and snakes.
  • Drive to a protest about shipping jobs overseas in your BMW.
  • Have a secret desire to be black, but are ashamed that it comes from your mother teaching you they’re terrific dancers.
  • Think Native American lands should be returned to their original owners while forgetting your house stands on what was once a sacred burial site.
  • You don’t own a single American flag pin.
  • Think Keith Olbermann is the only “fair and balanced” newser on TV.
  • Think gun ownership should be forbidden, including all weaponry used by the Armed Forces.
  • Vacation in every foreign nation under the sun, but have never traveled to an adjacent state.
  • Get pissed because Republicans refer to it as the Democrat party instead of the Democratic party.
  • Spell “the” as “teh”.
  • Believe the First Amendment guarantees everyone’s right to free expression, but think “hate speech” a should be illegal.
  • Believe that foreign despots will go away if you ask nicely.
  • Want to declare war on Christmas.
  • Are in favor of building the Ground Zero mosque while arguing with the local planning commission over the amount of traffic the new church being built in your neighborhood will generate.
  • Think of Talking Points Memo as a legitimate news outlet.
  • Don’t grasp why unredacted CIA intelligence isn’t printed in the newspaper every day.
Liberals

...BUT LIBERALS ARE SMARTER

  • Believe you’re an “honorary lesbian” because of that little one-night stand you had while drunk in college.
  • Believe that little one-night stand you had while drunk in college was “fun”, but you’d never do it again in a million years.
  • Want to ban sugar, salt, and fat from foods, but eat bacon-wrapped hors d’ouvers and drink rum and Cokes at your neighbor’s party.
  • Think black-on-black crime is caused entirely by white people.
  • Think everyone in the Midwest is some sort of inbred goob even though you’ve never met anyone outside the Washington, DC metro area.
  • Decry Republicans playing politics while grousing about Obama’s tepid response to criticism.
  • Think Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are qualified to talk about anything having to do with African Americans.
  • Think anyone to the left of Ed Schultz is a crazed wing nut.
  • Really hate it when people don’t refer to liberals as progressives.
  • Think banning all oil drilling by 2011 is the solution to America’s energy problems.
  • Protest human rights violations in Chad without being able to find it on a map.
  • Oppose the death penalty, but also protest the poor conditions in the nation’s prisons.
  • Claim to have lots of gay and black friends, but can’t remember their names when someone asks…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  • Support awarding huge damage claims to people who’ve smoked 3 packs a day despite the fact they’ve known smoking is a deadly for their entire adult lives.
  • Believe that Republicans lie and Democrats have inconvenient truths.
  • Complain about the condition of America’s educational system while sending your own kids to private school.
  • Think all Republicans are corrupt and hypocritical.
  • Think Bill Clinton was impeached for a BJ instead of lying to a grand jury.
  • Think Michelle Malkin is cute enough to sleep with, but would never tell anyone because of her politics.
  • Feel inferior if you don’t have a master’s degree.
  • Protest the efforts to repeal the 14th Amendment, but are still pissed that the Equal Rights Amendment didn’t pass.
  • Believe that donating an hour per week teaching an inner city kid how to read is intrinsically more valuable than a wealthy person donating $1000 to the literacy program.
  • Hate being called a socialist.
  • Are a vegan, but hate the taste of tofu.
  • Drink soy milk in your $6 cup of coffee.
  • Think DADT is the biggest problem facing the nation today.
  • Believe Nancy Pelosi is the greatest Speaker in the history of the House.
  • Believe that only white people can be racist.
  • Don’t understand why the Ground Zero mosque is a touchy subject for some people.
  • Decry the loss of newspapers and magazines, but own 4 Kindles.
  • You find this post as funny as You Know You Might Be a Tea Partier If…
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You Know You Might Be a Tea Partier If…

No Pubic Option

NOT KNOWING YOUR VAGINA FROM A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD - A perfect demonstration of what happens when you don't believe in funding schools.

Update What’s the Difference Between Mainstream Republican Leaders and Tea Party Extremists?

Note: Turnabout is fair play, so enjoy this companion post to You Know You Might Be a Liberal If… And moderates, your turn will come soon too.

You know you might be a tea partier if you:

  • Go ballistic at being called a “tea bagger” while holding a sign that says, “Tea bag Obama before he tea bags you.”
  • Protest socialized medicine while carrying a Medicare card in your pocket.
  • Think the entire US Constitution should be repealed…except for the Second Amendment.
  • Believe only those to the ideological right of Genghis Khan are “mainstream Americans”.
  • Can never remember the difference between socialism and fascism.
  • Know that Barack Obama is probably a legal resident of Kenya, but highly suspect he may actually be an illegal alien…from the planet Nebulon 4.
  • Keep trying to tell people that members of the party are nice, normal, level-headed people…while standing atop a box full of oranges stolen from a migrant farm worker, waving an automatic weapon over your head, and starting your speech by yelling, “IT’S TIME TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!”
  • Find that facts and rational thought give you headaches.
  • Think the country will get along  just fine if we abolish all taxes while criticizing Democrats for their handling of the economy.
  • Are foursquare in favor of good schools and good roads, just not raising money to build them.
  • See democracy as one-party rule…and neither party is the Democrats or Republicans.
  • Think Ronald Reagan was, “The Great Communicator” despite the fact he couldn’t complete a speech without Nancy standing behind him screaming the speech into his ear trumpet.
  • Believe that the biggest problem with Democrats in general, and Obama in particular, is that they breathe.
  • Believe Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater, and Joseph McCarthy were far too liberal for your tastes.
  • Wrap yourself in the flag and festoon every inch of your clothing in American flag pins while advocating armed resistance to the government and/or secession from the Union.
  • Don’t seem to be bothered by an extension of unemployment benefits if you are unemployed, but change your position when you find a job.
  • Are excited about the prospect of taking America boldly forward…into the 18th Century.
  • Think Sarah Palin  should be the next President, but unfortunately wears high-heeled shoes.
  • Down With Muslims

    DAMN MUSLIMS - You'd think that building a mosque down the street from Ground Zero is worse than flying planes into the World Trade Center to begin with.

    Think Glenn Beck is, “so down to Earth.”

  • Think reporters should only ask questions your people want to answer…under penalty of death.
  • Criticize politicians for being against something before they were for it while lionizing John McCain.
  • Read an article about BP ignoring hundreds of safety regulations and conclude the problem is too many regulations.
  • Believe that allowing lobbyists to write legislation will lead to a cost savings big enough to offset the Bush tax cuts…not that you have to pay for them or anything.
  • Believe that the possibility of having to share a shower with a soldier who may or not be gay will lead to the entire US Armed Forces deserting their posts to take their showers at the local fitness club…without considering gay men who exercise.
  • Dress exclusively in tri-cornered hats and “Don’t Tread on Me” T-shirts.
  • Can no longer remember if the stars go on the top or the bottom when you fly the US flag.
  • Protest “taxation without representation”…in front of the office of your Congressman.
  • Think the Gulf Oil Disaster was actually a plot headed up by Barrack Obama.
  • Immediately change your position on an issue after finding out a liberal agreed with you.
  • Decry partisanship while wearing a T-Shirt that says, “NOT NO, BUT HELL NO!”
  • Think the answer to illegal immigration is to, “jail ‘em all and let God sort it out”.
  • Think John Boehner has a really great tan.
  • Don’t see the irony when Bobby Jindal thinks we should profile Hispanics and jail them all immediately if they don’t have a Green Card on them.
  • Think that building a mosque a few blocks from Ground Zero is a greater affront than attacking the WTC in the first place.
  • Don’t know what Sharia law is, but you’re in favor of expelling all Muslims from the US.
  • Think Fred Phillips is generally correct on his ideas, he just comes on a little strong.
  • Think Pat Robertson was right in claiming God sent hurricane Andrew to teach all them Palm Beach Nancy Boys a little sumpin’ sumpin’ about decent behavior.
  • Attend a 1000-person rally against being called racist when there are only three black people in the crowd…all of whom “pass” if need be.
  • Refer to Sarah Palin as, “The Grizzly Whisperer”.
  • You yell about health care reform bringing “death panels” while not noticing we already have them…the insurance companies call the “managed care boards”.
  • Think Sean Hannity is, “going soft”.
  • Decry frivolous lawsuits while cheering Orly Taitz as she files dozens of suits challenging Obama’s citizenship.
  • Think anyone with more that a semester at the local community college is a member of the intellectual elite.
  • You are a “regular” Republican in Tea Partiers’ clothing.
  • Carry a handgun into church to listen to the sermon…God is a God of Peace.
  • Have no sense of irony.
  • Are a Texan or Arizonan.
  • Prefer Astroturf over natural grass.
  • Don’t get that last joke.
  • Think the funniest thing you’ve ever heard is Jeff Foxworthy doing his You Might Be a Redneck If…bit.
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