The answer: the same dolts who didn’t see the economic implosion coming.

According to the aforementioned dolts, The Big Schism™ is over an “unforseen” problem – Democrats want tax hikes plus spending cuts (favored by a majority of Americans). Republicans want to solve the entire problem with a pair of large and dull scissors.

Given that the last attempt at a compromise – about which John “Agent Orange” Boehner bragged, “I got 98% of what I wanted. I’m pretty happy.” – was all cuts and no new taxes, you’d think that the Republicans would be open to a little “bipartisanship” now. A 90-10% split at least.

But, you’d be wrong. The Boehneramiacs are out to get 100% of what they want this time. They’ll whine and stamp their little wingtips about how unfair and partisan the Dems are, while chortling all the way to the Bank of One Percent.

Of course, the Democrat’s world-class negotiations skills helped solidify the Republican’s 98-2% split by agreeing to a poison pill that triggers $1.2 trillion worth of spending cuts if the Rigged to Fail Super Committee can’t reach a consensus. Being the chumps swell guys they are, Dems just couldn’t believe that the opposing party would be so heinous to do it again. Surely, they’d be willing to give up something this time. you know, with the Republicans being so bipartisan and all.

Everyone agrees there must be cuts, it’s a matter of defining how many and how big. Should we lop off health care and education or corporate welfare and planned parenting services?

But attempt to discuss taxes and the Republicans not only say, “Hell no!”, they change the name of taxes to “job killers”. It appears as though the Republican ignorati’s favorite book is 1984. And it doesn’t matter that their talking point is wearing a bit long in the tooth. There is a substantial amount of evidence that tax cuts mean little or nothing when trying to cut the deficit.

Sure, Democrats need to understand the need for cuts and with the 98-2% deal they’ve already conceded to, seem to be doing just that. However, Republicans aren’t holding up their part of the bargain when they won’t even discuss taxes. There are few ways of getting the budget down to size and you can’t just use half the tools if you expect to do it.

So I hereby vow that I’m voting Republican in 2012…

But only if Joe the Plumber is the GOP nominee.

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Government is not the problem, the people who elect those to run the government are the problem. — The Omnipotent Poobah

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ENTERING THE GLORY(HOLE) - The Republicans are almost certain to recapture all or part of Congress this time around, despite lower poll numbers than the Dems and the lunacy inspired by their inbred kin, the Tea Baggers. They think it's glorious now, but will it be a "surprise" on the other side of the hole?

As we enter the midterm elections the US is like a ship without a rudder – or more appropriately, a ship with a broken one. Obamanism has had mixed results at best with as much complaint from the left as the right. Approval ratings for Congressional Democrats are lower than whale crap at the bottom of the Marianas Trench and for Republicans … well, let’s just say they’re so bad even The Big Dick™ would flinch at the numbers.

The prevailing wisdom is that Republicans will romp and take back Congress for Contract on America – Part Deux. John “Agent of Orange” Boehner and Mitch “Yertle the Turtle” McConnell will rise to the podium and try to control their herd of cats better than the Democrats’ disgraceful performance.

Being egotistical, intransigent buffoons they’ll surely prattle on about non-existent mandates, promises of a new beginning, and demands that anyone – left, right, or center – genuflect and kiss their rings (and their asses too while they’re down there).

After 10 years of Republicans who rule and oppose rule like bungs in the hole of democracy, they’ll find a country a whole lot harder to govern than they remember. First, they were the ones to lay George’s flaming bags of dog crap on America’s front porch for someone else to solve (it turns out, poorly) and the country is none too happy about it.

AIN'T THAT A PURTY PITCHER? - Just what the nation needs ... more crazed loons.

Second, they will have to expand their limited single word, monosyllabic platform beyond “no” – and hell no, “Hell no” won’t do.

And most dicey, they’ll have to pay for all those Tea Parties they attended so giddily. Now that the Baggers are beginning to spectacularly embarrass or outright turn on them, they’ll have to figure out what to do with the Mad Hatter crowd. The Baggers may be imbeciles, but they’re hell-bent on Change No One Can Believe In and the hell with Hope, Republicans, and the portion of voters who have more brain cells than a doughnut.

The prospect this year’s turnover signals a permanent American move somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan and the foundation for a glorious thousand year Reich is far-fetched (and no, I’m not comparing them to Nazis, only to idiots). They built the gallows over the past 10 years and laid out more than enough rope to hang themselves. And because Dems are the limpest politicians on Earth, they’ll unwittingly help the Republicans put the noose on by doing exactly what they did under the reign of Bush the Lesser and The Messiah™ – cower and agree with the Republicans on every issue because their natural response to bullies is to pee down their own legs. In other words, the Republicans and their in-bred cousins, the Tea Baggers, will prove they are their own worst enemies.

When Nancy Pelosi rose to power, I cautioned Democrats against being too effusive over what the historic change meant. They didn’t listen. They fist pumped, whooped and hollered, and shit in their own mess kits. I’m cautioning the Republicans against the same thing. However, being recidivist crapweasels I’m sure they’ll pour it on even thicker than the Democrats.

Republicans, ignore me at your peril. Before you even regain power, I can already see how you’ll lose it just as spectacularly as you did before, only the timetable is still left to complete.

Hopefully, you’ll lose it by 2012. We’re in bad enough shape already.

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PULLIN' IT OUT OF THEIR ASS - The Republican 'Just Say No' strategy requires little effort or thought. The only thing they need is the ability to form single syllable words and pull crap out of their own asses.

Much has been made about the probability that Republicans will take control of Congress in the fall. The conventional wisdom says yes, but there are a number of Dems who say they can defeat the odds. The truth is, the conventional wisdom is probably right. The open question is whether it will be a Republican blowout or a squeaker.

Clearly, the honeymoon is over, although The Messiah™ does have some residual goodwill in some quarters. Unfortunately, it’s mostly amongst the non-voting public. The G(N)OP would have us believe there’s a massive ideological sea change going on. One in which power is shifting right – waaay right – though polls don’t clearly suggest that. Injecting a little reality suggests that ideological movement is more a case of the tea baggers brewing a nice cup of Crazy Earl Grey and the opposition remaining silent to their lunacy. And, it’s that silence that’ll bite the Dems on their quivering, fraidy-cat asses.

SPINELESS ASSES - The Democrats have all the intestinal fortitude of the French army in a firefight.

Seeing Isn’t Necesarily Believing
It’s difficult for the public (and impossible for Republicans) to see– that The Big Guy™ has made some modest progress on his agenda. He managed to push a health care bill through, though it was deeply flawed, and one of the most spineless wins on record. Walking into negotiations already conceding ground isn’t a negotiating tactic that works well. You can say much the same for financial reform. We got something, though not much, and what we did get was preapproved by corporate greedheads so they can continue robbing the country blind.

He’s also lost chances on bushels of low hanging fruit. Gays in the military, offshore oil drilling, and rolling back many of the Bush policies on a range of issues from Afghanistan to Gitmo to portions of the Patriot Act would’ve all been easier than health care, kept his base engaged, and shown independents that he has a backbone.

The one-word strategy of the Republicans is an easy position. Repeating “no” like an idiot savant isn’t hard. It requires no real work or talent beyond the ability to form a single syllable. It’s easy for your base to understand – especially if your base is comprised of fellow savants – and gives you an ironclad response to almost anything. It covers over a lot of bumbling too. Can you say Michael Steele?

Yes is a Hard Sell
Yes is a much harder sell. It’s complicated. It’s sometimes scary. And, it requires voters that understand two or more syllable words. It also requires the ability to legislate without pissing your political pants because the Momma Grizzlies and their fellow-traveling blowhards call you a commie. Or worse yet, a liberal.

Republicans are, if nothing else, consistent to a pathological, almost savage, and bloodthirsty degree. Most of the time you couldn’t pry the fatheads off a position with dynamite and a backhoe. Look at them as the party of the Red Curtain. By comparison, Democrats have all the cohesiveness of a herd of cats. Look at them standing naked in their bathtub, hands over their sex-educated privates, with yellow rivulets running down their wrinkly, ancient legs.

Part of this is the nature of the people that populate the two parties. Conservatives want to drive their Franklin Steamers in reverse all the way back to 1909. Democrats have the car in drive, but can’t bring themselves to get off the brake and hit the gas…and they don’t have a map or destination they can all agree on anyway.

But, it’s not as though Republicans are immune from shitting in their own mess kits. Their sucking up to the tea baggers may end up making them as beholden to The Lipton Tea Men as they are to corporatist Czars like Tony Hayward, the new Potentate of Siberian Crude.

There’s no way to tell what the fall will bring, but if both parties don’t shape up, it’ll be a hell of a ride.

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YOU CAN'T CATCH 'EM ALL - How come Amazon can track millions of books, but Obama can't track one loon? Because Amazon doesn't have to track millions of books whizzing around the warehouse at random.

The Odds of a Terrorist Attack: 1-in-16,553,385 Departures. In other words, it ain’t very damn likely.

I recently read a commenter who accused the Obamoids of ineptitude by asking why Amazon can track millions of books while Obama can’t track a batshite crazy Jihadist who got caught in-flammable delicto. Fair enough question, though the book metaphor sucks.

Amazon rocks inventory control because they record all books in, check all books out, and the books aren’t silently running tither and yon around the warehouse while they do it.

Even the best intelligence can’t ferret out every lunatic Larry and when it does, the sheer volume of intelligence puts Amazon’s task at the sub-nanobyte level of complexity. Ultimately, it still takes humans to evaluate intelligence and make decisions on where it goes on the to-do list. We have finite manpower, but limitless information. This information overload is partly why the Patriot Act makes the problem worse, not better. Rather than collecting even more, we should be collecting less and concentrating on the most meaningful tidbits.

Swiss Cheese Terror Defense
That’s not to say the status quo is OK nor that the administration and Congress have done a sterling job. However, there are legitimate reasons why our terror defense is as holey as Swiss cheese, some of which have little to do with politics.

Our War of Error president got his weenie stuck in the roller immediately after 9/11 when he and The Black Widow of State™ got briefings on a Qaeda plot the month before it took place. It would’ve been great had they acted on it, but given that the briefing wasn’t particularly detailed or as important as other events on the agenda, it’s understandable. Just because you’re an oafish goober doesn’t mean your mistakes aren’t explainable.

It would’ve been nice if he’d taken responsibility for it happening on his watch, but accountability never was one of his strong suits. But that whole “bring it on” thing really was monumentally stupid.

To their credit, Obama and Janet Napolitano first admitted to a “systemic breakdown”, but then backtracked to “the system worked“. It’s too early to say if their responses are good or bad in hindsight. But, tying air traffic in knots with contradictory procedural changes doesn’t bode well. Furthermore, explaining afterward that the confusion was all part of the plan looks Bushonian at first blush.

Both administrations were saddled with the monstrous Department of Homeland Insecurity. One of the few Bush decisions I ever agreed with was his initial reluctance to shove half the federal government into a single department while assuming it would work better. Remember, the difficulty of any enterprise is exponential to the number of people involved in it and DHS is the perfect example.

Reacting to a Bozo with his Pants on Fire
Bringing up the rear, as always, is Congress. Joe “Party of One” Lieberman was the brain trust behind the DHS debacle then. Now, his reaction to a bozo with his pants on fire is to attack Yemen! Bush Republicans resisted, and still resist, any attempt to investigate their own party’s possible ineptitudes so they can be corrected while Dems put a gazillion hearings on the agenda and then kowtowed to every ignored subpoena and request for information. Word to the wise, if you aren’t going to use your gavel, don’t cock your elbow

Creating a useful terrorist response doesn’t have a chance in hell, see Republican claims that the latest incident was either caused by unions or because there is no permanent TSA honcho while Jim DeWitless holds up the nomination and responds to Democrats fast tracking it by saying they’re in too much of a rush.

Huh?!

The Dems are no better. It’s not like they stood up to the Chump-in-Chief when he was mucking things up and why are they waiting until now to figure out that 5 months is too long to wait for an essential bureaucrat?

Get on the stick you dicks. And speaking of dicks, The Big Dick™ is still, well, dickish.

To paraphrase the politically astute opossum Pogo, “We have met the terrorists, and they is us.”

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