The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! » TSA http://omnipotentpoobah.com A rum-soaked adventure is a good-soaked adventure. Tue, 22 May 2012 13:00:34 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 Our World has Changed Forever and It’s Not Coming Back http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/05/03/our-world-has-changed-forever-and-its-not-coming-back/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/05/03/our-world-has-changed-forever-and-its-not-coming-back/#comments Wed, 04 May 2011 00:38:22 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=4677 On September 1, 2001 a gaggle of terrorists – at least one of whom spent his last night on Earth drinking demon rum while ogling strippers – caught the early flight out of Portland , ME. The rest, as they say, is history.

When the dust settled George W. Bush grabbed a megaphone, climbed atop some rubble, threw his arm around a fireman, and gave a fiery speech about truth, justice, and the American way. The good ol’ boy fireman hug was a bit over-the-top, but otherwise it was the perfect thing to rally a country on edge and staring into a bottomless pit of C4.

It also marked the last time I agreed with just about anything he said and the last time there was any semblance of civility in the political process.

At the time, every pundit and politician talked about how the attacks were game-changers. The most oft-heard phrase was, “Our world has changed forever.”

That sure turned out a gross understatement.

Wobble-Kneed Don Knottses
Since the skeevy bastards drove the planes into the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and a Pennsylvania field, America became – not the Greatest Generation of heroes and fidelity to high-minded principles – but a country of wobble-kneed Don Knotts impersonators grasping at any straw, enhanced interrogation technique, or abridged law to feel “safe”.

When the most unterrifying terrorist imaginable set his lap on fire, we cried out for the protection afforded by 3 oz. shampoo bottles and forbidden nail clippers – “watch out, I’ll clip you to within an inch of your pinkie finger’s quick”. And for good measure, we meekly stripped naked and suddenly thought it was perfectly reasonable to allow government agents to stick rectal probes up our asses to verify those things in our throats were tonsils and not miniature thermonuclear bombs…no doubt built in Iraq.

Our latter day lunatic fringe is terrified at the tyranny of affordable health care, yet makes not a peep over unrestricted wiretaps, error-prone no-fly lists, and a host of other insults to the Constitution.

The small government champeens somehow see a conglomeration of 380 million individual decision makers as an effective form of government. But, what about the biggest government behemoth of them all – the Department of Homeland Insecurity? For some, it and the Department of Defense are the only two allowable functions of a tyranny-free government, except for the Bureau of Who You Can’t Marry and the Anti-Abortion Administration.

Our twin 30-day cum 10-year wars grind up bodies and trillions of dollars that we aren’t really losing because they’re financed off-budget. Plus anyone the President chooses can be outsourced to some incredibly evil off-shored prison to be beaten and waterboarded with impunity. Actually, you’d think they’d be all for affordable health care after all that.

America: The North American Banana Republic
Our current government is as stable as a South American Banana Republic that can’t agree on which sash and medals the President can wear with his faux flight suit and codpiece.

And, your average American Chicken Little believes the President is a Communist Kenyan, the moon landings took place in a Houston TV studio, and Bush personally killed bin Laden with the pearl-handled six-shooters confiscated from Saddam … or the Pentagon attack was staged… or bin Laden’s whereabouts have been known for years and Obama just saved the killshot for political points… or, well, you get the point.

Whether you vehemently oppose abortion, protest every capital death sentence, believe in euthanasia, or think Obamacare consists entirely of a Death Panel and hypodermic needle, chances are you see bin Laden’s killing as a richly deserved punishment for a cowardly, suburban-dwelling bully dressed in funny clothes and unable to get more than 10 feet from a dialysis machine. And, you’d be right.

Resolved: the man was a worthless piece of shit who didn’t deserve to live. Now, America can chant “USA… USA… USA!”and unite around something again. It’s a good thing that a brave team of our best warriors killed the man in cold blood – there is no question. However, the unity started to fray as the chants fell quiet. People are already arguing over every scrap of information or cockamamie fantasy they harbor. Pundits are pontificating and politicians are preening. In short, the nation is quickly reclaiming its false bravado and Don Knotts tremor.

Those folks were right nearly 11 years ago. The world will never be the same again because we’ve handed the terrorists a victory of continuous self-induced terror, exactly what terrorists want.

And, killing Osama doesn’t change that a whit.

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/05/03/our-world-has-changed-forever-and-its-not-coming-back/feed/ 1 Randomness: Listing Like the Titanic Style http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/01/01/randomness-listing-like-the-titanic-style/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/01/01/randomness-listing-like-the-titanic-style/#comments Sat, 01 Jan 2011 19:50:21 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=4009

Listing Like the Titanic

2010 – The Last Gasp of Naked Capitalism

WTF are These People Thinking?

Jesus Sightings

The Decade in Sex

Look at the Roboticles on that Thing

That’s Pretty Cool

The House of the Rising Sun

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/01/01/randomness-listing-like-the-titanic-style/feed/ 0 DADT and the Wall of Whoop http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/12/03/dadt-and-the-wall-of-whoop/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/12/03/dadt-and-the-wall-of-whoop/#comments Sat, 04 Dec 2010 01:09:08 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=3735

Greatest Generation

THE GREATEST GENERATION - Gay soldiers and sailors served during WWII and helped defeat the original Axis of Evil.

DADT has been studied more than cancer, but the data is finally in. A vast majority of the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines said, “big whoop”. The Secretary of Defense and many senior commanders have said – as they have for quite some time – “big whoop”. And the public, which the Tea Baggers and Republicans claim gave them an overwhelmingly clear mandate to do whatever they wanted screamed, “big whoop!” The Republican caucus, a minority of military commanders, and most notably Lindsey “Rentboy” Graham and the world’s most petulant child, John McThuselah, have said, “Not so fast. There’ll be no whooping in my military.”

On this issue – come to think of it, on most issues – McCain has been a major pain in the tuchus. He whined because the 17 gazillion studies that have been done since DADT was enacted just weren’t thorough enough, if by thorough you mean agreed with him. He said he’d gladly go along with repeal once the troops on the ground said, “big whoop”. Not unexpectedly, when confronted by the troops’ Wall of Whoop, his response is, “Whaaaaaaaa! I don’t wanna!”

McCain: Formally Admiral Crybaby
How the hell did such a crybaby survive being a POW? “Wahhh! I want more gruel. Whaaaa! I’m hot, and cold, and hot. Whaaaa! You waterboarded me with a neti pot instead of a towel and bucket. What kind of enhanced interrogator are you?!”

Look, almost every military on Earth, except perhaps Pope Ratzzie’s Swiss Guard, accepts gay people. And like the old saw about masturbation (with apologies to Christine O’Donnell), those that think there are none already there are lying. So far as I know, there has never been a military failure attributable to sexual orientation unless you count drumming out qualified and critically needed translators at just the time we needed them most.

Way to fight the War of Error there Boehner Bitches.

There have been no instances of soldiers running out of the shower tent directly into the groping hands of a TSA agent because someone looked at their junk. Even little old ladies from Pasadena waited until someone took x-rays of their desiccated old vajayjays followed by the most embarrassing crotch grab in history to complain.

AAAAAHHHHH! Look, It’s a Dick
Are you saying that accidentally looking at an underwhelming, soap-lathered dick will cause a top notch military to take up arms and resist the legal orders of Congress and the President – who ought to stop pussyfooting (no pun intended) around and issue? If you do, are you not saying, “These colors never run!” but, “These colors will always run from a comrade they never even knew was gay before they were allowed to ask”? You’re not describing a world class military; you’re describing an extremely well-armed gaggle of unpatriotic, cowardly traitors.”

As a veteran, I for one am as insulted as those in uniform should be.

John Boy, Graham Cracker, Boehner Boys, Senate Leader Yertle, stop turning an issue with as much import to the country as your last 27 anti-flag burning amendments into a holy crusade that allows you to stomp your little wingtips and whine whenever the Democrats’ chiropractor accidentally finds a spine.

I believe you’ve been bragging about that massive mandate you got from the public. A public, BTW, that rates you several points below your craven Democratic colleagues and that sorry excuse for a President across the aisle. Quitcher bitchin’ and do as the vast majority of voters have commanded.

Your behavior is just so, um, gay (apologies to the LGBT community for the insult).

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/12/03/dadt-and-the-wall-of-whoop/feed/ 1 Randomness: Daddy Likes Style http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/11/21/randomness-daddy-likes-style/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/11/21/randomness-daddy-likes-style/#comments Sun, 21 Nov 2010 17:44:29 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=3611

GRANDMA! - Able to leap walkers in a single bound. Click Image for more >>

Umm, Daddy Like

Tech Bubble, What Tech Bubble?

The Japanese are More Japanese Than Usual This Week
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HOT TOMATOES - It's better that Jello wrestling. Click image for more >>
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Being a Robot Means Never Having to Say ‘BZZ, POP, CLANK’

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/11/21/randomness-daddy-likes-style/feed/ 0 TSA Goes Gay for Fourth Amendment Smackdown http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/11/17/3587/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2010/11/17/3587/#comments Thu, 18 Nov 2010 01:42:44 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=3587

Today was one of those rare days when I heard a Republican speak some sense. But as usually happens at these snowball in Hell moments, someone comes along and takes things right over the top.

Forgive me if I come off the rails here, but I’m so giddy with this case’s heady aroma of bipartisanship it just gives me hope for change or maybe change for hope. Since neither happened, I guess it doesn’t matter.

This morning, The Hill reported that Rep. Ted Poe – from Texas of all places (who knew?) – speechified that the new TSA “touch my junk” rules are a violation of the Fourth Amendment protections against unreasonable searches and seizures.

Watch Out for the Boehner Boys
Huzzah Rep. Ted! Props to you for such a forward-thinking position! But word to the wise, watch out for the long knives in the House cloakroom. The Boehner Boys may not be so understanding of a chap who actually thinks once in a awhile.

In my mind this is as clear as a case gets, notwithstanding the 4 out 0f 5 fear-crazed, jelly-legged, Americans who think it’s just fine to throw away perfectly good civil rights because a terrorist might set his lap on fire while sitting next to them on the 3:15 to Dallas. These are some of the same people who believe wiretapping is A-OK and domestic spying is just okey-dokey-artichokey if they hold the Islamoterrorists at bay.

Yet many complain that taxing them or maintaining the separation of church and state, or promoting non-discrimination is some overarching plot to get the Government so far down their knickers a TSA agent, even a gay one, couldn’t detect it.

Oh, TSA agents. That reminds me of Part 2 of this story.

Peter LaBarbera over at Americans For Truth About Homosexuality (AFTAH) is not only God fearing, but also terrorist fearing and homosexual fearing – the fear trifecta, by golly! He maintains homos are on the loose at your neighborhood airport and they’re a greater threat than terrorists, except for him coming out of his own closet.

So, Pete thinks boy agents shouldn’t frisk boys, and girl agents shouldn’t frisk girls, and bisexuals, well they just can’t frisk anybody. Heaven forbid we have a wild outbreak of woodies and wet spots in line at that sanitary napkin-seeing  monument to terrorist exceptionalism, the full body scanner.

BTW, he didn’t mention transsexuals, presumably because the existential question, “I think I have a post-operative penis, so therefore who the hell will I be next week?” just blew his pointy little sex-crazed mind.

Now I’m not sure what Pete’s interpretation of the Fourth Amendment is , but I’ll go out on a limb and guess he frequently mistakes it for the Fourth Commandment. Is that the one where you shouldn’t covet your neighbor’s goat or the one about never getting into cars when creepy old guys offer you candy?

I’m an atheist, so I’m unclear on this religious stuff.

What Does a Terrorist Wear Under His Kilt?
In any case, Ted, Pete, and I all see something that is wrong. Nobody should be frisking anyone, homosexually or otherwise. Nobody should be taking x-ray pictures of your wrinkly old junk. No one should have to remove shoes, belts, or kilts (as has been suggested by recent patees) or forgo fingernail clippers for that nasty hangnail they’ve been nursing.

Also, water is good for you, regardless of the size of the bottle. Hand lotion – even in amounts greater than 3 oz. placed carefully in a clear container in a clear plastic bag – is handy on a long skin-drying flight. Unless you really do fear that Muslim-looking guy in 7E, who is really a suntanned sales rep from Omaha, is going to lube you to within an inch of your pants-wetting life!

I’m with you Ted, good on ya! And Pete, you’re as loony as they come, but you have a point here…even if you did find it by accident under that rock from which you spring. I’d ask you out for a drink, but you’d never tell me, would you?

Good Lord.

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