04/17/10

Randomness: Bad Sushi Style

GRUNT...GRUNT...UHHHHH! - There are two things you should never watch, sausage making and sausage digesting. Clik photo for more >>

Dispatches From the Land of the Rising Sun

Building constructed by the Japanese subsidiary of Flat Bush Construction Co.
I can’t say I agree with NH politinut Nick Levasseur when he said, “Anime is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn’t enough.” But, two nukes dropped on Hello Kitty in a remote area? Then, he’d have something.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a human.
It seems as if somebody’s been hittin’ the ol’ saki a little too hard lately.
Man Smell Gum: Curiously juicy.
It was clear to observers that Tiger Woods still struggles with his sex addiction.
Yeah, those are pretty cute tricks, but let’s see how you do with some REAL farm products…like cows perhaps.

When Electromechanical Devices Attack!

Personally, I find a photo of a robot giving you one lump instead of two a bit distressing.
I wonder if they serve robot sushi in this place?
The Japanese do have a knack for building real virtual babes.
CURSE YOU STEVE JOBS! See what your stupid iPhone hath wrought.
Klaatu barada nikto!

Capitalism: Nailing Two Random Things Together to Sell for a Buttload

Hasn’t your pet suffered enough indignity by eating its own crap or rolling on a dead pigeon?
It just goes to show you that the nice industrialist next door can be just as racist as your everyday Teabagger.
“Uses safe sub-dermal implants!” Well, I should hope so.
Golden crap, for the man who has everything.
Monty Python‘s Spam Song just wouldn’t be the same with unicorns.
More proof that iPhones will be the death of society.

Just Your Every Day WTF

There’s just something wrong about that Miley Cyrus kid that I can’t quite put my finger on.
At times, Rick found working in the prison license plate shop boring, but luckily there was the occasional special order.
The new Jeep gets an efficient 3 inches per 600 gallons.
After Jamil stayed on the back of a camel for three weeks, Dolly looked pretty good. Interesting True Fact: The most popular search on this blog is “horse sex” and odder still is that more than 80% of the searches come from the Middle East. Just sayin’.
T’was a wise woman indeed that imparted these words… Always Aroused Girl
Even insects realized Billy was a little effeminate.
I’m sorry Susan, that’s just bathtub ring.
CAUTION: Use of this product by complete morons is strictly prohibited. P.S. Watch out for paper cuts from this warning label.
Hah! And they say trans-fats are dangerous.
Proof the Jesus Christ-ians don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to Darwinism.
Yet another reason the Dove Awards never caught on.

Crime, It’s Not Just for the Smart Anymore

In hindsight, Daniel realized his idea was bad, but at the time it just seemed so damned good.
In Alaska, it’s illegal to look at a moose from an airplane, but as Sarah Palin proved, it’s OK to shoot a wolf from one.

Ooooo, Daddy Liiike

Watch out lady, you could put someone’s eye out with those things!
The older John got, the less he could tell whether women were getting kinkier or he was getting weirder.

More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
Akihabara Girl Group Singing Dragon Ball Song [Japan] (kotaku.com)
The best paragraph I read yesterday (the culture that is Japan) (marginalrevolution.com)
Be your neighborhood’s license plate snitch for profit? (autoblog.com)
Parkzing reminds entrepreneurs (and everyone else) about their parking tickets (venturebeat.com)
100 Quotes Every Geek Should Know (wired.com)
Brit soldiers survive 42 days of eating Spam (tech.bl0x.info)

03/30/10

Ball Gags and Congress: Legislating Morals is Stupid

Do It, Do It, Do It Till You're Satisfied

ONE'S AS BAS AS THE OTHER - Sexual scandals hit both parties equally. This time it's Michael Steele and the Republicans, next week it will be a kinky Democrat with the self control of Tiger Woods or Jesse James.

Shameless self-promotion for my post At the Tipping Point Between Free Speech and Deadly Speech. The Hartford Courant gave it a shout out and made some excellent points on the same topic. They also expanded the use of one of my favorite words, “crapweasel”. You can’t ask for any more than that.

Now, back to today’s post already in progress.

Tip O’Neill, former Speaker of the House, once said, “all politics is local”, but in today’s heated and converging political grudge matches it’s also correct to say, “all sexual politics is local”.

Gay marriage? Some states are on the bandwagon. Some steadfastly refuse. Others are rethinking previous positions and ballot initiatives on the issue. Meanwhile, gays flock to states to join together in unions that some men still try to put asunder and wait to see if their own states will recognize what they’ve done.

One step forward 1.5 steps back as they say.

Gays in the military? The Obama administration is finally thawing their tepid policy to pay back an important political chit donated by most of the nation’s gays – though not as fast as they’d hoped.

A Homophobic Teddy Roosevelt and His Rough Riders
The pro-discrimination side charges the San Juan Hill of the issue like a band of rough riding, homophobic Teddy Roosevelts. Even the Joint Chiefs and other top brass can’t agree. Ex-General John Sheehan accused the Dutch army of genocide in Srebrenica and blamed it all on “the gays”. He now finds himself apologizing over the international incident under threat of a lawsuit.

Change of heart? Don’t be surprised if it’s merely a case of hypocritical mega-embarrassment and big legal bills.

Over on the other side, the Secretary of Defense is loosening restrictions. Other generals are jumping aboard a bandwagon most other industrialized nations are already on and there is growing support in the electorate.

Many of those opposed to sexual rights – like South Africa’s electric probe wielding, alleged gay soldier-curing “Dr. Shock” – are clearly as full of sexual self-loathing as Ted Haggard. But ironically, the latest hetero sex scandal is a good illustration of how gender and politics frequently try to occupy the same place in America.

Elephant Dildo A Republican National Committee staffer treated some Young Eagle donors to a night of bondage a-go-go after an official RNC event. That’s pretty heavy stuff from the party of running away from regular sex like the plague, then jumping into a private jet (probably on loan from a bank or insurance company) to escape kinky sex. Gay sex? They take a rocket to the closest toilet stall.

Young Eagles Take Flight on RNC Dime
Personally, I don’t care if Young Eagles like the occasional ball-gag or lesbian flogging session. It’s their business to choose what they do in the privacy of a strip club. I also don’t care that the RNC spent money on it, except to the extent that it helps show a pattern of hypocrisy – oh, and because it makes fools of them too.

The Whitest Black Man in America, RNC “leader” Michale Steele, claims he knew nothing about the incident and fired the staffer as soon as he found out. Good. They guy should be fired.

However, because Steele was at the helm he should also accept responsibility to do like every other business in the nation does and instruct employees to not be $2000 worth of strip club stupid. Other Republicans are emerging from their undisclosed locations where they’re hiding from the hypocrisy to flame the unpopular Steele. This may be the straw that breaks his back.

Let’s face it, both sides have these incidents. Both sides hide their embarrassment, but ignore it long enough to go do the same things as soon as the scandal du jour blows over. Both sides demonstrate the stupidity, critical thinking skills, and general ass-hattedness of Tiger Woods or Jesse James. Sooner or later idiotic behavior catches up to them – usually in horrific embarrassment, divorce, and career ruination.

Ye reap what ye sew.

These examples happen to be Republican, but Dems shouldn’t cackle too loudly. They’ve been caught – and will continue to be caught – in similar situations. The nation has its hands more than full with real problems and can ill afford to spend so much time trying to legislate moral issues. Sex should concern no one other the folks doing it.

It’s time to leave TMZ to embarrass the knotheads if they persist in being ignoramuses and keep our noses out of it.

RNC Fires “Voyeur” Staffer (minx.cc)
The RNC: Risque National Committee (washingtonmonthly.com)
Republicans love lesbian sex (bilerico.com)
RNC Fires Sacrificial Lamb (dailykos.com)

03/13/10

Randomness: Who Cut the Cheese Style

GIANT BABY HEAD - At 10 lbs. 7 oz. I thought my daughter was big.

GIANT BABY HEAD - When they're awake they're nothing but big cry babies. Click photo >>

How Can You Govern a Country With 246 Varieties of Cheese? – C. De Gaulle

You can’t beat a a nice boobie brie and a fine bottle of wine.
In Judge Warriner’s defense, Tillamook cheddar does make a bitchin’ grilled cheese.
Crime: Assault with a deadly cheese ball.

True Crime That Makes You Feel Superior

There are some things you shouldn’t have to tell people. Don’t shave your balls while driving is one of them.
Worcestershire sauce, as good on your head as it is on burgers.
The food at Chicken Hut is to die for.
En guarde you bookish thugs.
If you do the crime, you’ve got to do the time…even if it is a goat.
Just one package of Breathe Right strips would’ve been enough to avoid this tragedy.
The murder was commited at the airfield by Col. Mustard with a gyrocopter.
It’s spring break time again.
Toni, be careful. You could put somebody’s eye out like that.
If there was one thing George W. Bush proved, it’s that frat boys are not often known for their common sense.
I suppose this means backseat poll dancing is out of the question.
The obvious joke here would be that he hid, “some really good shit“.

All-Consuming Consumerism

Nothing says high fashion like wearing turds on your ears.
The Harlem Globetrotters aren’t going to like this one bit.
By comparison, Sarah Palin’s entourage made real locusts look like mild-mannered gardeners.
Smoking products for the truly lazy.
Yes, I too have taken refuge under a handy breast from time to time.
You know you’ve invented something truly useless when the only thing you can think to call it is Transformable Interior Object.
Ooooo, those crappy strappy shoes are to die for!
If you buy this, make room in your junk closet right next to the panini maker, because you’ll never use it.
Men may be from Mars, but women are from the psych ward.
The stockings aren’t so bad, but the idea of previously worn panties brings an unpleasant picture to mind.
I often suggest people keep Ann Coulter books and coyote urine on hand. You never know when you’ll need to throw some piss at her.
It may cost $76 gajillion, but your kid will love it when he’s shoveling driveways at 10 bucks a pop.
Sure, it’s a handy gadget, but women still can’t write their names in the snow.
I’m beginning to think there has been irreparable damage to the Tiger Woods brand.
They’re the most popular candy in Saudi Arabia.

FILL 'ER UP - The best waaaay of waking up is a robot with a cuuuup! Click photo >>

Robot-O-Land

I wonder if this robot can play the theme from Lost in Space?
To keep development costs under control, engineers carried their system optimization phase a little too far.
Honda shows off its “Hondots“.

Square Pegs Seeking Round Holes

Regardless of what they say, everyone loves a good fart joke.
What?! Are you drunk?
It’s Raining Men was a big hit for the Weather Girls, but somehow their next song It’s Raining Fish, never caught on.
Billy loved AC/DC, but quickly found out the mosh pit was a little dangerous.
It’s a little known historical fact, but Benjamin Franklin suffered the same fate when he peed on his kite string.
It took Joe a few minutes to realize the SpatSolver had nothing to do with cleaning up spit.
Jane thought she’d filed the production reports under miscellaneous.
No doubt there’s a really good story behind this picture.
CAN-A-DA! CAN-A-DA! CAN-A-DA!
Bank of America seized the house. Then, the CEO ordered it sold so he could buy that new yacht he had his eye on.
What CEOs do when they don’t get their quarterly bonus…
Inga always tucked into a heaping helping of hakari for Christmas dinner.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

The Inscrutable Secrets of Japan

The Japanese really love their chocolate…a lot.
A well-groomed cat is a psychotic cat.
Officials said there was no way to predict the earthquake because sushi chefs ran amok on the beach beforehand.
Sometimes it seems as if the Japanese have way too much time on their hands.
C’mon Tim, it can’t be that bad can it?
Let’s just get it over with a shove a probe up everyone’s ass.
It’s sad when Japanese kids become wannabe gangstahs.

Pop Culture Without the Fizz

It’s a timeless question, “Ginger or Mary Ann?”
Um, that’s a little TMI isn’t it?
In the annals of unfortunately-named websites, Poopy Lickles and Mr. Poop were Hall of Famers.
Sometimes it seems everyone is a fashion critic.
Getting into heaven is easy, just butter up The Big Guy.
Lee Jin-gyu wanted to support marriage freedom so he’s petitioning to put his Defense of Inanimate Object Marriage Act on the ballot.
Claire believed herself to be truly lucky that she’ll be able to make a Marmite sandwich when the rapture comes. And word to the wise, The Big Guy likes a nice BLT.
RUN! The Twinkie Borg have returned! to Karl Elvis.

More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
‘Regis and Kelly’ Help Take Down a Criminal (tvsquad.com)
50% More Worcestershire Sauce! (neatorama.com)
Prada manager in Japan loses her case for unfair dismissal (telegraph.co.uk)
Col. Mustard in the Floating Atrium: 100 Eleventh Avenue Tells West Chelsea to Hang in There! (curbed.com)
Lincoln Mitchell: Sarah Palin’s Canadian Health Care (huffingtonpost.com)
SLIDESHOW: Seattle U upset of the Harlem Globetrotters (seattlepi.com)

01/10/10

Randomness: Randomly Random Style

CAUTION, OBVIOUS SIGHT GAG - "Would you look at the rack on her!"

Random Randomness Randomly Randomized

The good ones always get away, don’t they?
You just gotta love the Finns.
With an economy this awful it’s tough out there for a dick.
We’re hoping this interview style doesn’t catch on with Bill O’Reilly, even if he does use a strategically-pladce loofah.
You can’t get more random than this, “Furry Paris Hilton kisses elvish tit while Lindsay Lohan pwnz teh jackass’s throat.”
The Geico Gekko tried it, but his face stuck in the AFLAC position.
Creationism is too a valid scientific concept!
Oh Madge, we miss your witty prose so.
Good God! Make it stop before I rip the eyeballs from my head!
Ah, the old Tower of Budz Trick!
Curses! The band geeks somehow got on-stage and hijacked graduation.
The Three Wise Men came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and urrrp.
They were going to do a “Worst of Wikipedia”, but there was just too much matierial to cover.
It started out as such an innocent idea and then turned into statistician porn.
Barack Obama has announced a new bite-partisan agenda last week.
This site presented with apologies to Tori Spelling and Kurt Vonnegut.
“When the going gets weird, the weird write a letter.”
If this is The Departure of the Witches, where do I go to bum a ride?
How do I wed thee, let me count the ways.
So, Tori Spelling is available on HSN. I wouldn’t pay much for her.
I’ve always wanted my own number. It would make me feel all cozy and loved.
I don’t care what you say, I don’t want to see the videos of the wedding night.
A site for those wanting to have their asses kicked by the football team one more time before they graduate.
Barry White eats these by the ton.
Winner of the Silver Sow Award for excellence in farm reporting.
It had to happen one day.

Domo Arigato

It seems every nation has its lowest common denomiator.
It was a slow Saturday afternoon at the karaoke bar when the shy businessman decided to git jiggy wid it.
Somehow, this is all strangely arousing.
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Forget it already.
Well, HELLO DOLLY!
OK, who pissed in the wine?

Proof the American Consumer is Batshit Crazy

I’m guessing Tiger Woods is wishing some of his misstresses were biodegradable right about now.
Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the best environmentalist of them all.
You know you’re a real stud-muffin when…
Hmmm, think of the possibilities.
That’s funny, a $117 million quarterly bonus does it for me.

More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
Les News, 010610 (pinkisthenewblog.com)
Leelee Sobieski Exposes her Pink Undies! (music-juice.com)
The Crystal Ball: 2010 Revealed! [Q&A] (cityfile.com)
New York Post Practices Unsafe Journalism (mediabistro.com)
PINK: A shockingly butch cultural history of the world’s prissiest colour (thestar.com)

01/6/10

The Pope of Fox News Meets the Messiah of Golf

THE GOLFING MESSIAH? - Brit Hume thinks the way to TYiger's redemption goes through the front door of the local Christian church. However, Tiger's choice seems to be through the local whorehouse.

THE GOLFING MESSIAH? - Brit Hume thinks the way to Tiger's redemption goes through the front door of the local Christian church. However, Tiger's choice seems to be through the local whorehouse.

Fox’s Big Giant Talking Head, Brit Hume, was criticized this week for offering life advice to Tiger Woods. Surely, Tiger could use some good advice (like staying away from nunneries), but Hume’s suggestion that Tiger have a “come to Jesus conversion” rankles many people. That seems slightly off base.

No matter how bone-headed you may personally think Hume’s idea is – and I count myself in that group – his saying it shouldn’t be a problem. The Constitution doesn’t deny freedom of speech to congenital idiots, even (or due directly to) using Faux News as their media of choice. Besides, of all the swill Fox has peddled over the years this is innocuous stuff. Hume pontificating about Christianity to the Fox audience is like preaching to the choir.

tigermessiah Many people objected to what the Humidor said because they perceived it as dissing other religions in favor of Christianity. That may be true, but it’s an opinion not unlike Muslims dissing Hume, so we’re talking angels dancing on the heads of tiny little crucifixes. Making it sound like Christianity has cornered the market on forgiveness and redemption may be misleading, but I suspect that Hume has only a cursory knowledge of other religions and is more ignorant than willful. Certainly, that issue affects all religions and atheists too. For the most part, you are what you know.

But, ponder this: If Tiger had any interest in leading a pious life would he be where he is now? My guess is that Tiger radically changing anything is nil. In fact, the carrot Hume put on the end of his stick simply plays into Tiger’s demons.

I’ve known quite a number of people who were, well, assholes for much of their life. They screwed as many of their common brethren as possible and laughed about it all the way to the bank, jail, or country club. However, come walk to the light time, they seize on Christianity’s Get Out of Hell provision like the last life jacket on the Andrea Doria. They see the light and they, along with many other believers, sing hallelujah. To be fair, some practitioners might see the ruse and argue that since the deathbed repentance may be virgin fluff sacrificed to a righteous God it doesn’t count. Off to eternal hellfire and damnation! It’s not good to poke God in the eye with a stick.

At the end of the day, Hume can say anything he wants. Even 48 inch, HD, flat-screens have off buttons. Tiger will still be able to take or turn down Hume’s advice as he sees fit. Approximately zero people will be affected by what Hume says or by Tiger’s actions. It’s really no one else’s business other than their own.

Now, can we go back on the mistress hunt? It’s just starting to get juicy.