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The Internet Isn’t a Time Nor Place, It’s a State of Mind

• There are just so many reasons why frieinds don’t let friends go to Starbucks.
• David got off to an inauspicious start on Dancing with the Stars.
• Could this site BE any more annoying?
• Kevin was extremely excited by his odd hobby. Others were not so amused.
• GEICO was blamed for the Florida dog deaths.
• Team Gillette was determined to show their shaving technology was years ahead of their rival Schick.
• Po hadn’t heard about the dangers of smoking, so he happily puffed on.
• Watch out for the last step, it’s a doozy.
• Scientists believed that Keith Richards may have been the cause of hell freezing over.
• It was prom night and Julie just couldn’t go with a huge zit on her chin.
• In their defense, Pedobear was awfully cute.
• I don’t know, $20 million seems like chump change for a good acoustic kitty.
• At the end, it turned out Andrea had mistakenly knifed a PETA protestor in lambs clothing.
• Ashok’s mother accidentally scared him with a mirror when he was born.
• Hell, I’ve seen rats bigger than this in the NY City sewer system.
• Alright Maggot, drop and give me 20 boogers.

The Land of the Rising Sun

• Whenever you travel, remember to stop at a Barry White Inn.
• The Japanese are a passionate people.
• Betcha can’t eat just one.

Sex in the Blogosphere

• Just in case you were curious…
• I see expensive therapy in this boy’s future.
• The Massatuchetts legislature would be well served to get it’s mind out of the gutter.
• Many Republicans believe that the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell would bring all sorts of lewd behavior out of the woodwork.
• Who knows what ugliness lurks under the burka?
• Unfortunately, a whole new industry of Viagra spam was also launched.
• As long as I don’t have to wear my hair iin a mullet, I’m so there.
• That’ll convince Jon not to dump any other women – that is if he can GET any more women.

The Hooterville Crime Blotter

• Roberta quickly discovered the crowd at the Live Nude Girls Club was harsh indeed.
• Jim got a bad case of cabin fever because of “snowmageddon”.
• Clearly, Ye got a little too excited by the Super Bowl.
• Kali had been beated senseless, but considered herself lucky she hadn’t been waterboarded to boot.
• Jim had a little Captain Morgan in him.
• Bucky was just upset because he lost his knife and was wicked hungry.
• The District Atorney will probably ask for the death penalty.
• Officers on vice patrol duty really though the shoes gave their hooker outfits jsut a smidge more authenticity. However, they had their dangers.
• Stephen loved the feel of a light breeze on his skin.
• They Phoenix police may have busted him, but he gave the TSA a great idea for airport security.

There’s a Thin Line Between Enrepeneur and Lunatic Inventor

• According to capitalist theories, the products exist because there’s a market for them. Scary thought, eh?
• Nothing spells welcome than 330 feet of industrial grade coir hair.
• Although many patients loved the hospital gown, some were disappointed they could no longer get that “free” feeling as they wandered the halls.
• This is where entrepeneurs cross the line into lunatic inventor territory.
• Walmart decided they would change their name and go after the hip hop market segment.
• Marian believed strongly in the philosophy, “hugs not slugs“.
• The makers of the Potty Putter changed their product’s name to Potty Pooper to avoid a trademark infringement.
• Next product: Crap-n-Panties for the woman who always wants that “live-in look”.
• They originally called the product Chastity Bone-O.

Ragin’ Robots

• Chucky was an imnportant technological achievement, but was still scary as hell.
• Sam worked for years to create the perfect duck that laid the golden egg before giving up before reaching his goal.

Related articles

• More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
• I Was There: “It Was The First Time I Actually Saw Women Making Out With Cars” (deadspin.com)
• Now, radio ads that mirror what you want (thoughtgadgets.com)
• Rare Snowflakes Start Falling From Miss. to Fla. (abcnews.go.com)
• Danielle Crittenden: Capital Snow Diaries III: “Safeway Is Decimated!” (huffingtonpost.com)
• Now This Is A Speech (dlisted.com)
• Johnny Depp Continues The Bromance, Directs Keith Richards Documentary!! (perezhilton.com)
• Joe Namath’s Labrador declared dangerous (thestar.com)
• 5 is enough, but Gillette upgrades razor, again (sfgate.com)
• Facebook offers a neat look at America (sharemarketing.wordpress.com)

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A NIGHT TO LAST FOREVER - And I though my 1973 electric blue, crushed velvet tux was something special.

God Stuff

• Later, the church invented the Holy Day of Christ’s Nose Blow Miracle.
• Why is God wearing jeans?
• My God can whip your God, but only if the old testament dude isn’t the one on the fight card.
• Millie thought it was a miracle until she found out she was looking at the entree at a spaghetti feed for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
• If God is really in our brain, how come complete idiots sometimes believe in God?
• God hates signs, but not nearly as much as he hates Westboro Baptist Church.
• When did the Super Bowl become so politicized?

Proof  Capitalists Don’t Know What the Hell They’re Doing

• Makers said there was even a dutch oven cooking method involving diners putting the pouches in their anal cavities.
• Somehow, this commercial doesn’t make me want to go out and have someone jab me a zillion times with a sharp-ass needle.
• I wonder if you could take this off your taxes?
• I’m thinking these won’t sell well in the projects where they have ample supplies of rats anyway.
• It’s the perfect gift for that special someone who has all the perception of your average tree stump.
• A Right to Life group unveils “proof” that God wants you to carry your unborn child by tying him to your vagina with yarn.

Crime Waves of the Moronic

• The worst part was that Michelle still ended up with a ticket for loitering.
• The dogs were OK with it, as long as Carla wore a bag over her head.
• It’ wouldn’t have been so bad if the stuff had been fresh and warm.
• Well in the cop’s defense, he had just eaten a jelly donut and needed something to wash it down.
• Are you happy to see me or are those 75 bottles of lotion in your pants?

There Are a Billion Stories on the Naked Internet…These are Only 14 of Them

• Billy was hysterical when he learned Mom had thrown out his comic book collection. His first edition copy of Amputee Love was worth a fortune.
• There’s the pitch and…oooo, a swing and a miss.
• Republican leaders introduced their proposal for dental work during the debate over health care last week.
• All in all, the Obama administration’s “shovel ready” infrastructure projects are creative and provide jobs to divers, tailgaters, and laundry wenches.
• It became evident early on that Billy was a world-class band nerd.
• I’d say, “my condolences” in Bo, but no one knows how to speak it any more.
• These cubies may be “amazing”, but you still feel like a meerkat hiding from a wildebeest when you stand up and look around.
• The Oakland County sheriff’s department said, “After consuming an unknown quantity of alcohol, he constructed a device out of a motorcycle muffler and pipe.” Alcohol? What tipped you off, sheriff?”
• Yes, they are “rubbish” if by rubbish you mean unsanitary crap piles.
• The Cyrus family always took great pride in their contributions to the rich fabric of American society.
• The speech was just goin’ dandy til Sarah mistook her hand for the teleprompter don’tcha know? Wink, wink, wave.
• As plastic surgery goes, being a Jessica Alba clone isn’t so bad.
• Some people’s generosity knows no bounds.
• Uber-nerdity.

Robot: From the Czech Word Robata

• Sure, it’s a bit crude, but if it gets you the tickets, “what the hell?”
• We may not being going to the moon, but by God, Rosie the Robot is within our grasp!
• If these are the visions of the future I don’t want to go on. I already got burned by that whole Jetson’s flying car thing.
• The robot firefighter was a good idea except for the materials they used to make it.

The Jiggly Bits

• As soon as David Vitter heard the news, he immediately reacted by saying, “What’s up with this ban? Former bestiality practitioners will immediately join NAMBLA and start abusing the youngsters of America.”
• It’s a great Valentine Day promotion, but act now – reservations are going fast.
• Fer god sakes Melvin, get your mind out of the gutter table saw.
• Patrick Swazye returns from the grave to film this unique sequel to his hit movie, Ghost.
• “Oh, I say. Could you pul-eeze keep the noise down just a smidge. It is interfering with my science project.”

Made in Japan

• Audiences loved the machines until they found out they were all props from the Broadway play Starlight Express.
• Taxi! Taxi!

Related articles

• More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
• Ollie North On What Happens If Gays Are Allowed To Serve Openly In Military: ‘NAMBLA Members’ Are Next (thinkprogress.org)
• Nazi doctor Josef Mengele’s diary up for sale (telegraph.co.uk)
• David Beckham unveils new Jesus tattoo (thestar.com)
• Demon’s Souls swings the way you choose for V Day (destructoid.com)
• Delicious Spaghetti Monster (neatorama.com)
• FSM protect us! (blogs.discovermagazine.com)
• Pastafanarianism according to Havi Brooks (laf.ee)
• Artificially Intelligent Talking Sex Robot Unveiled for $7000 Only (taragana.com)
• Westboro Baptist Church Pickets Twitter: What’s It Like In Their Hateful Shoes? (trueslant.com)

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