Tag Archives: Ronald Reagan

Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned: The Passion Play of Newt Gingrich


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

That Newt Gingrich is a passionate man is without question. He’s a more passionate man than Charlie Sheen, and that, that my friends is a whole lotta passion bein’ stirred.

Newt Gingrich, Passionate Man

Bless me Father, for I have sinned in the service of my country."

Newt’s been passionate about defending marriage from the awful scourge of people who love one another. So passionate, in fact, he separated with one wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment, to marry his high school sweetheart – who was also his geometry teacher…with whom he’d been having an affair for 6 years. That’s OK though, he divorced the schoolmarm for Wife Number 3 all on the up-and-up. Watch out ladies! Is that a foursome I see hovering in the background? Newt is, after all a passionate guy.

He’s passionate about other things too. For example, he’s passionate about BJs. Of course, he condemned Clinton for this. But, it’s different if you come by your BJ honestly, like Newt does – by innocently walking down the street and being surprised to trip and find his pecker has fallen into a woman’s mouth. Passionate stuff that.

But, he’s saved his biggest passion for his country. This patriot, by his every act, word, and deed, found himself so in love with Lady Liberty that he toiled for long hours grifting donors, lobbying lobbyists, and squeezing in the odd Contract on America that he broke down . He strayed. He divorced wives. Yes, he presumably even got illicit BJs. All for the taste of sweet, sweet liberty.

Ahhh, but the sweet smell of Lady Labia’s Liberty’s essential fluids also delivered him from his decadence and landed him on CBN describing his conversion and salvation through Catholicism – a religion uniquely qualified to cater to the passions of his ilk.

And now, Brother Newt, friend of God, and passionate of unzipped pant, bellows to the rafters, “HALLELUJAH! PRAISE ST. RONNIE OF REAGAN! – THE PATRON SAINT OF TEA PARTIERS WANTS ME TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!”

“I am but a mere vessel of Reagan conservatism to use as St. Ronnie knows my destiny will surely take me. Oh, and log on to newt.org to contribute. Visa and MasterCard welcome.”

Now let’s hope that those hooligan journalists don’t ask him the most salient question…

If being a Congressman drove you to such passion that you lost your mind and fornicated like a Viagraized Easter Bunny, how will you fare being the much more passionately pressurized President.

Inquiring ex-wives want to know.

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Small Government: One Small Fly in the Ointment


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Small Government

A BIG LITTLE PROBLEM - Sometimes it's amazing just how big small government can be

Conservatives – especially their tea partying faction – are yelling, “Hell no! We won’t grow!” in their quest for government with a microscopic “G”. Their biggest quibble with St. Ronnie of Reagan’s government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem mantra was that he didn’t lay off the entire government (except for a staggeringly expensive, ass-kicking military…and it’s associated contractors and arms makers) and outsource everything to the states, or preferably, India by way of multinational conglomerates.

I suspect they’ll be getting a rude awakening soon. They’ll find it next to impossible to fight the strong running political tide, agree on what needs to be shed, or even agree on what small government means.

For example, arch-conservative Michele Bachmann wanted to prohibit earmarks only to find that, oops, her state wouldn’t get any money either. Suddenly her perception of pork changed in the face of angry voters who saw that Michele’s financial acumen was roughly equivalent to a high school home economics course in buying canned hams at rock bottom prices.

Solutions

SOLUTIONS - Ain't that the truth?

One man’s crumbling highway is another’s canned ham. Let those drivers give up the ham. They need to be put on the fiscally conservative South Beach Minnesota Diet. Same for those homeless people too by golly. It’ll be good for their no account goldbricking asses.

Conservatives never met a regulation they liked – unless it benefits them or is written by lobbyists. And one of the biggest government expenditures of all is creating and enforcing regulations. The baggers and Republi-Goobs are of a similar mind that only the private sector is smart enough to do anything – apparently ignoring that whole financial derivatives thing. But who’s counting.

So here’s an idea.

Regulations and regulators are a huge chunk of the budget, right? The Tax and Spend It All on Me Crowd frequently reminds us, usually in high-pitched squeaky voices, that the private sector is where smart, upstanding CEOs can do anything. They even have big paychecks to prove it.

Since the Supreme Activist Court (SACOTUS) took it upon themselves to give corporations Constitutional rights far and away more important than the rights of all individual citizens combined, it makes sense that corporations would be the very picture of responsible citizens in thanks. And smart as whips too.

So, corporations are just terrific, and honest, and thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. We know this because Cryin’ John Boehner and the boys tell us so. So, how about we just trust them to do the right thing? No need to regulate when the free market unfailingly leads companies to the path of righteousness and honor.

We’d cut thousands of regulators in a jiffy. Legislators would have absolutely nothing to do except rubber stamp appropriations bills for the War du Jour. And lobbyists? Well, they’d become pro bono advisers to a micro-government that runs as smooth as BP oil rushing out of a broken wellhead. Yeah, THAT’S the ticket!

Um, only one small fly in the ointment on that one. Forget I mentioned anything.

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Small Government: When 307,999,999 People Can’t Agree


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Protesters

ALL FOR ONE AND NONE FOR ALL - Everybody wants smaller government, but only if it gets smaller at someone else's expense.

A funny thing is happening on the way to the ballot box. Voters of all stripes decry the excesses of big government. The reflexive complaint from both ends of the political spectrum, although voiced most loudly by conservatives and tea drinkers, is that big government is inherently bad, a foregone conclusion needing no evidence for proof. It’s a lot like religion that way. “I believe in God, so therefore there must be a God.” “I believe big government is evil, so therefore it must be true.”

It’s curious that the louder the screams about government size, the fewer practical suggestions the screamers give regarding how to make it smaller. There’s the all or nothing crowd – the government shouldn’t do anything but maintain an army. Or, the “limited” governmental types who want to lop off entire government departments, like the Department of Education, Federal Reserve, or Department of Homeland (In)Security. But, there’s precious little in the way of a platform to explain how we’ll reach this government nirvana.

Saying No is Fun
You might expect voters wouldn’t clamor for details. After all, it’s great fun to go watch Glenn Beck scream political science screeds or wave protest signs or accuse people of being anti-Christ socialists. It’s also great to campaign and hear the yelps of Grizzly Mommas in full-throated rapture about how wonderful you are. But the day in and day out grind of actually governing or even setting goals … not so much. In other words, the universal Republican “plan” for everything – “NO” – gives voters, candidates, and sitting politicians the chance to be righteous without the responsibilities of righteousness.

Come to think of it, that’s a little like some religious folks too.

There are roughly 308 million citizens in the US. That means there are at least 308 million opinions on how to reduce the government. Farmers kind of like crop subsidies, especially if their name is Farmer ConAgra. Some people are really behind “drill baby, drill”, without the inconvenient fact that without government regulation, a well might one day pop up in their backyard.

“Take that you NIMBY bastards!”

The “local levelites” don’t want an Islamic center in Manhattan, but are unwilling to accept the decisions of the local planning commission. And Reaganites complain, for example that transportation decisions be made on a state-by-state basis. However, they don’t seem to realize that building a road is building a road whether Uncle Sam funds it or your state increases taxes to offset the downsizing of Federal tax dollars. And, the private enterprisers would be the loudest to complain if RoadCo ran the highways and every country lane and freeway in their state started charging tolls.

Immutable Laws of Government
Americans need to understand a few immutable laws of government and human nature. First, nobody wants a bigger government. Second, everybody wants a smaller government so long as it gets smaller at someone else’s expense. Third, everyone wants the government to work. And fourth, those elected will become “inside” professional politicians as soon as they take their hand off the swearing-in Bible. They will be in your business for good and ill from then on as a result. This is especially true if you want the government to decide who gets married, who serves in the armed forces, who gets government assistance, and dozens of other meat and potatoes governmental decisions that must be made to support your idea of how smaller government should stay out of your life.

American individualism is a great strength. It’s the engine that drove the idea of American exceptionalism in the last century. But, when individualists forget there’s such a thing as shared goals and common needs that strength becomes a drag on the country.

Especially when you and the other 307,999,999 of us can’t agree on just what small government means.

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You Know You Might Be a Tea Partier If…


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
No Pubic Option

NOT KNOWING YOUR VAGINA FROM A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD - A perfect demonstration of what happens when you don't believe in funding schools.

Update What’s the Difference Between Mainstream Republican Leaders and Tea Party Extremists?

Note: Turnabout is fair play, so enjoy this companion post to You Know You Might Be a Liberal If… And moderates, your turn will come soon too.

You know you might be a tea partier if you:

  • Go ballistic at being called a “tea bagger” while holding a sign that says, “Tea bag Obama before he tea bags you.”
  • Protest socialized medicine while carrying a Medicare card in your pocket.
  • Think the entire US Constitution should be repealed…except for the Second Amendment.
  • Believe only those to the ideological right of Genghis Khan are “mainstream Americans”.
  • Can never remember the difference between socialism and fascism.
  • Know that Barack Obama is probably a legal resident of Kenya, but highly suspect he may actually be an illegal alien…from the planet Nebulon 4.
  • Keep trying to tell people that members of the party are nice, normal, level-headed people…while standing atop a box full of oranges stolen from a migrant farm worker, waving an automatic weapon over your head, and starting your speech by yelling, “IT’S TIME TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!”
  • Find that facts and rational thought give you headaches.
  • Think the country will get along  just fine if we abolish all taxes while criticizing Democrats for their handling of the economy.
  • Are foursquare in favor of good schools and good roads, just not raising money to build them.
  • See democracy as one-party rule…and neither party is the Democrats or Republicans.
  • Think Ronald Reagan was, “The Great Communicator” despite the fact he couldn’t complete a speech without Nancy standing behind him screaming the speech into his ear trumpet.
  • Believe that the biggest problem with Democrats in general, and Obama in particular, is that they breathe.
  • Believe Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater, and Joseph McCarthy were far too liberal for your tastes.
  • Wrap yourself in the flag and festoon every inch of your clothing in American flag pins while advocating armed resistance to the government and/or secession from the Union.
  • Don’t seem to be bothered by an extension of unemployment benefits if you are unemployed, but change your position when you find a job.
  • Are excited about the prospect of taking America boldly forward…into the 18th Century.
  • Think Sarah Palin  should be the next President, but unfortunately wears high-heeled shoes.
  • Down With Muslims

    DAMN MUSLIMS - You'd think that building a mosque down the street from Ground Zero is worse than flying planes into the World Trade Center to begin with.

    Think Glenn Beck is, “so down to Earth.”

  • Think reporters should only ask questions your people want to answer…under penalty of death.
  • Criticize politicians for being against something before they were for it while lionizing John McCain.
  • Read an article about BP ignoring hundreds of safety regulations and conclude the problem is too many regulations.
  • Believe that allowing lobbyists to write legislation will lead to a cost savings big enough to offset the Bush tax cuts…not that you have to pay for them or anything.
  • Believe that the possibility of having to share a shower with a soldier who may or not be gay will lead to the entire US Armed Forces deserting their posts to take their showers at the local fitness club…without considering gay men who exercise.
  • Dress exclusively in tri-cornered hats and “Don’t Tread on Me” T-shirts.
  • Can no longer remember if the stars go on the top or the bottom when you fly the US flag.
  • Protest “taxation without representation”…in front of the office of your Congressman.
  • Think the Gulf Oil Disaster was actually a plot headed up by Barrack Obama.
  • Immediately change your position on an issue after finding out a liberal agreed with you.
  • Decry partisanship while wearing a T-Shirt that says, “NOT NO, BUT HELL NO!”
  • Think the answer to illegal immigration is to, “jail ‘em all and let God sort it out”.
  • Think John Boehner has a really great tan.
  • Don’t see the irony when Bobby Jindal thinks we should profile Hispanics and jail them all immediately if they don’t have a Green Card on them.
  • Think that building a mosque a few blocks from Ground Zero is a greater affront than attacking the WTC in the first place.
  • Don’t know what Sharia law is, but you’re in favor of expelling all Muslims from the US.
  • Think Fred Phillips is generally correct on his ideas, he just comes on a little strong.
  • Think Pat Robertson was right in claiming God sent hurricane Andrew to teach all them Palm Beach Nancy Boys a little sumpin’ sumpin’ about decent behavior.
  • Attend a 1000-person rally against being called racist when there are only three black people in the crowd…all of whom “pass” if need be.
  • Refer to Sarah Palin as, “The Grizzly Whisperer”.
  • You yell about health care reform bringing “death panels” while not noticing we already have them…the insurance companies call the “managed care boards”.
  • Think Sean Hannity is, “going soft”.
  • Decry frivolous lawsuits while cheering Orly Taitz as she files dozens of suits challenging Obama’s citizenship.
  • Think anyone with more that a semester at the local community college is a member of the intellectual elite.
  • You are a “regular” Republican in Tea Partiers’ clothing.
  • Carry a handgun into church to listen to the sermon…God is a God of Peace.
  • Have no sense of irony.
  • Are a Texan or Arizonan.
  • Prefer Astroturf over natural grass.
  • Don’t get that last joke.
  • Think the funniest thing you’ve ever heard is Jeff Foxworthy doing his You Might Be a Redneck If…bit.

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Randomness: Leisure Time Style


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Republicans Run Amok

DOWN SIMBA! DOWN! - Clearly, Republicans were quite unhappy with the Obama health care bill and wanted to show it. Click photo for more.

Leisure Time Around the World

Techno-Pop

Everything’s Weird Under the Eyes of the Law

Leaving You Wondering What Capitalists Got for Their Money

Psycho Kid

OUTTA MY WAY! - It seemed as if Sandy was destined for a life of really long, really expensive therapy. Click photo for more.

Japan, O Why Do We Worship Thee?

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