The Candidates Can Go Back to Falling from their Stumps Now

Undecided Joke

The candidates can go back to falling from their stumps. The moderators will start assertiveness training. And, regular programming can begin after these words from our sponsors. All the candidates are lawyering up for the inevitable challenges. Instant polls about truthiness and burning pants are winding down. That’s it. Comedy show’s over. It’s time to lay awake like a kid anticipating Christmas – except the stakes are higher and people will consider moving to Canada based on the outcome. It is not a season to look forward to. In two weeks, it will be Black Tuesday, with an emphasis on the black.

Continue reading

Missionary Service is Not the Same Thing as Military Service

What Service Means to the Romneys

Missionary service is not the same thing as military service – a fact, and not just a semantic one – lost on Mommy, Daddy, and the Romney Boys. Donning a crisp white shirt and black tie to annoy the hell out of the good citizens of France from the back of a 10-speed is “service” to your church. Bleeding to death in a rocky Afghan Pass that a big flock of Mitt’s equally chickenhawkish supporters sent you to is service to your country.

Ann Romney, filling in for a hubby too pusillanimous to “serve” his campaign next to vicious warhawk Whoopi Goldberg, placed herself between the withering fire of Whoopi and her men folk. She’s due a Conservative Cross with Silver Dollar clusters for her bravery.

Goldberg fired the first round. “When I read about your husband, what I had read — and maybe you can correct this — is that the reason he didn’t serve in Vietnam was because it was against the religion.”

Continue reading