Newt GingGrinch has gone back to being an evil-tempered heathen because, really, who ever believed his new found piousness anyway? Ron Paul never was on the God train because he’s too busy just being  a damn weird Keebler Elf. And that other Mormon guy, what’s is name? Hunter? Huntmeister? Oh yeah, Jon “Missing an H” Huntsman is too far away from the microphone for anyone to hear what he’s saying.

Whatever happens to these goobs, Rick Santorum is still leading the Change of the Christian Brigade.  No one would describe Rick as sex-savvy, so he’ll need some help talking to the non-Fundy voters out there. Herewith: Sex Terms for Dummies.

51 Words for Vagina

51 Words for Penis

51 Words for Anal Sex (A Santorum Favorite)

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Do YOU Give a Shit?

Is Mitt Romney One of the Walking Dead?

It Would Be Funny If It Wasn’t True

Blow Hards Aren’t Just for America Any More

Rick Perry Shows His Support for Israel

Hating the Sin, but Singing Away the Sinner

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OH COME ON! – Herman Cain has his pepperoni in the wringer and is twisting every which way but loose. Herman, sit down, relax, and have a slice.

The Pizza Man™ has his pepperoni caught in the wringer again. Last time it was multiple allegations of sexual harassment, this time it’s a woman claiming a 13-year affair.

Allegations like this happen as often as Silvio Berlusconi changes 17-year old mistresses and these are no different. For good or bad, it’s the cost of doing business in an overcharged, toxic, and hyper-rancorous political environment.

Cain’s confusing, changing explanations only help Newt and the rest of the Republican neerdowells. If a man admitting to multiple affairs and Governor Goodhair can easily criticize you, something is terribly, terribly wrong in Cainville. That whole upside down 666 tax plan is just icing on the crazy cake.

Cain’s Classics
Cain has two classic defenses against the allegations – attack the accusers and blame everyone else, but especially the media.

As his poll numbers show, attacking the accusers was a non-starter. Attacking fellow candidates and the opposition party didn’t help either. Hardcore Cainiacs  still see him as a martyr and the opposition used his bad news to their advantage.  But attacking the media is a minor winner, if only because they’re the only people as dissed as politicians.

Cain claimed a media vendetta when the sexual harassment charges surfaced. He whined about media smears, despite the fact the story had some obviously legitimate substantiation.

Like Sharon Angle, Cain sees the media as a personal PR organ he can muzzle for asking questions he doesn’t want to answer. Regardless, the harassment story was legitimate. As Cain’s lawyer said, it involved a possible crime. While not criminal, it outlined a possible pattern of hypocritical, non-family values that’s especially important to conservative voters. And, his incompetent handling of the mess might best be described as, “You shouldn’t kick a man when he’s down. But, it’s OK if he kicks himself.”

On the affairs, however, Cain’s lawyer has a good point. “This is not an accusation of harassment in the workplace – this is not an accusation of an assault – which are subject matters of legitimate inquiry to a political candidate,” Cain’s legal wrangler said. “…this appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults – a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office, or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life.”

Bravo Mr. Lawyer. Kinda.

I subscribe to the idea that what goes on behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors. It’s not anyone’s business what closeted skeleton he’s sleeping with.

Cain apparently shares my view – although I’m sure his view differs if Rick Perry stumbled on the street only to find his penis caught in some woman’s vagina. But just because it isn’t important to me doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate story for the media and the rest of America.

The Hypocritical Yardstick
Admittedly, my laissez-faire attitude toward private sexual activities is a minority position. All those folks that use personal behavior as a yardstick are entitled to hear about the allegations as are others he pilloried for their private behavior. For them, the story is no less important than the other cockamamie planks in his campaign. In other words, the public’s right to know trumps his right to public privacy. If he’s as smart as he thinks he knew that from the git-go to expect a big reveal. Not exactly the type of naiveté one would like in a President.

Cain should’ve seen the handwriting on the wall during his campaign reevaluation. Whether he actually did these things or not is now moot. He bungled the damage control. Perhaps he should’ve hired Clinton’s Bimbo Patrol for lessons in how to do things. If he did do these things he was astonishingly stupid to run for office and think the allegations wouldn’t surface. After all, that’s what happens when you screw people (pun intended). They’ll turn on you. Like the legions before him, he sh*t in his mess kit and is paying the price.

Cain is now a cold pizza for breakfast, all hard cheese and tasteless sauce. No amount of whining, blaming, or perhaps even the unlikely appearance of irrefutable proof will change that.

Cain should sit on the sidelines, have a glass of warm Tea Party Brand Tea, and eat a slice of Godfather’s best.

Bon appétit!

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FLIP FLOPPER - Apparently Mitt Romney has as much fidelity to his "principles" as John "Flapjacks" McThusela.

The demographics of Occupy Wall Street: By the numbers

Opinions are like bandwagons, everybody has one. Almost all opinions have a grain of truth at their core, but you have to winnow through a lot of crabgrass to get to it.Many people like to compare the Tea Party to Occupy Wall St. I’m sure it’s a delight for the pundits to debate themselves on innumerable news programs and shout fests, but it doesn’t mean much right now. The situation is simply too fluid to predict where it will go.

One notion says the Tea Party is a laser-focused group of very loud Stepfords harping on taxes, healthcare many of them already accept, and the Obamunist. They applaud anything that agrees with their Pollyanna view and boo anything that doesn’t. By contrast, OWS (there’s an unfortunate abbreviation for you) is a complete rabble of hippies and drifting malcontents that don’t have a cogent message, much less a strong organization culture. They might possibly be Communists or, worse yet, liberals.

MILITANT LIBRARIANS - Hell hath no fury like a librarian scorned.

The profile of your average Tea Bagger is quietly in flux. Some of them want limited protest and unquestioning adherence to their own ideology. Some are hammering in a religion plank and are thrilled with Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann, the goofiest two candidates who have personal speed dials for God. Mitt Romney, of course, can’t stand on that plank because he belongs to a cult/non-cult called Mormonism. They’d vote Muslim before they’d vote for that quasi-Christian poseur. At least Muslims look different so you can always see their evil or require their papers.

The Tea Party is a-changing as they’ve been co-opted by more mainstream Republicans and corporations. Many have become disillusioned as they’ve seen their champions behave like the carpetbaggers they threw out in the midterms. Some have even joined the Occupiers in protest. The national GOP has struggled to keep them in line – sometimes at great risk to themselves – but it’s been a chore that lost lots of revenue and fractured what might have been a solid voting wall.

Campaign Contributions Are OK, Tax Hikes Are Job Killers
BTW baggers, how come revenue from a campaign donation is pure, but a federal tax hike is strictly verboten at pain of death? What’s up with that?

On the other hand, OWS is a whole different animal. They carry the recessive gene of many Democrats, liberals, and moderates that precludes them from making cohesive decisions. You can’t always get things done if every decision must be so egalitarian it’s talked to death in committee – which sort of makes the Baggers’ point. It’s the Herding Cats Principle. But, many like it just the way they are.

There’s little money (so far). There’s little governance. There are no demands – yet. Many 99 Percenters don’t have jobs, so there are the lunchtime protesters and a smattering of 1 Percenters lost on the way to the executive bathroom, or oddly enough, siding with the Occupiers. And, the Occupiers sometimes party in full view while whizzing on the grass one is not supposed to walk on. Still, their attitude is better than a bunch of lunkheads trying to shout over one of their own candidates in the stuff local high school cafeteria. Give me a rousing rendition of Imagine any day (even if I do hate the song).

Occupy the Bastille!
The general lack of discipline makes it easier for their opposition to prattle nonsense about them. They’re everything from an unruly mob on the way to “occupy” the Bastille to basically good kids who just didn’t get enough discipline as kids.

Serious co-opting hasn’t begun yet, so their mostly free and easy manner is still a foreign concept for the banks they picket – then again anyone who’s not a banker is just as foreign a concept too.  Daddy One Percentbucks doesn’t know what to do with them. Neither do those wildly boiling tea pots on the other side of the equation. “C’mon out and fight like non-homosexual men, damn you,” they might say.

But, the tiny shoots of co-option are creeping in. The Occupiers are already getting some donations from The Man. Companies see a movement that’s growing from a marginal protest carried out by people in tie-dye shirts. So, they want to be on the heftiest bandwagon as early as possible. If the Occupiers aren’t careful, they’ll be the Clydesdales that will eventually pull that bandwagon. Paying off both sides is a time-honored tradition of Wall St., and Washington swells. It will continue now.

There’s far too much wiggling going on. Many Occupiers are still kids. The corporations and politicians are still the parents. But, they’re abusive parents and one day the 99 Percenters will have to follow the maxim, “Someone has to do something, it’s just incredibly sad it has to be us.”

Here’s to hoping the new La Manchas hit the windmill this time.

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Bible: Luke 6:20-21
Then he looked up at his disciples and said: ‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. ‘Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled. ‘Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

Rewrite: Luke 6:20-21
Then he looked up at his disciples and said: “Blessed are you who are poor, for you are not unionized and a cheap source of labor in the Kingdom of Capital. Blessed are you who are hungry, but eat now for entitlements shall soon be killed to lower taxes on the rich. Blessed are you who weep now, for you must laugh to keep from crying.”

Bible: Mark 10:21-22
Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said, “You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.” When he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions.”

Rewrite: Mark 10:21-22
Jesus, looking at him, said, “You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, but keep the money from the poor and you will have treasure in heaven and on Earth; then come, follow me! When he heard this, he was not shocked, but instead lightened to believe Jesus had come to his senses. He went away not grieving, but readied himself to increase his wealth of possessions.”

Bible: Luke 11:39-42
Then the Lord said to him, “Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You fools! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? So give for alms those things that are within; and see, everything will be clean for you. “But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and herbs of all kinds, and neglect justice and the love of God”

Rewrite: Luke 11:39-42
Then the Lord said to him, “Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, for you are full of charity for thyself and joyful you are not one of them. You stars! Did not the one who made the outside not make the inside also? So keep for yourselves those things that are within; and see, everything is bright and shiny for you. But Pharisees! For your tithes of mint and rue and herbs of all kinds, is the justice and the love of God”

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