The Elephants Eat the Carrot and Beat Obama with the Stick

IT'S A DIRTY JOB, BUT WHY'S HE DO IT? - There are no 'mixed signals'. Much of the damage done to Obama was caused by Obama.

There are many things Barack Obama has reneged on during his first two years and as a result the country has never benefited from his promises of change. Instead, he’s become more Bush Lite in many ways.

The War of Error goes on – apparently indefintely. Gitmo is still open and many of the accused are still waiting for counsel, much less actually getting a trial. He’s cast aside promises on gay marriage, DADT, transparency, and limitations on presidential powers hoping some lucky Washington voodoo will somehow resolve the issues for him. On every major issue, he begins compromising before negotiations even begin. But perhaps his biggest blunders are in the way Americans live and work , or often, don’t work.

Obama faces a host of accusations that he’s a raving socialist busily fist-bumping the ghost of Karl Marx. The problem is, the facts don’t fit the accusations and they don’t fit because Obama has perfected that Bushian ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Profits Up, Obama Down
Despite the cat calls, profits at American corporations have steadily risen since that awful commie took office. In fact, they set a record in the Q3. Profits are up, not because Obama opposes business, but because he colludes with them. The CEO compensation juggernaut is traveling like such a runaway locomotive that even the richest of the rich are calling for higher taxes on themselves – yet, Obama is open to the idea of extending Bush tax cuts for the rich before the debate gets underway.

No wonder the head Mertle of the Grand Old Turtles, Mitch McConnell, feels justified in treating Obama persona non grata. He knows The Messiah™ will crack at even token opposition. Obama’s once sterling approval overseas is eroding quickly too, making it hard for him to effect meaningful change on the global stage.

Perhaps the best example of his special talent in taking too long to do too little to benefit the wrong people is his woeful stewardship of flagship issue, health care.

Before the debates even began, Republicans, who trumpeted their alleged bipartisan civility, said the bill was DOA. As Democratic lawmakers ineptly tried to hammer out compromise after compromise, they went all dirty sanchez on every Republican with a case of political hemorrhoids while caving to hundreds of demands and letting Republicans call them uncooperative, hyperpartisan Visigoths favoring the offing of your 90-year old grammy because she has a hangnail.

Grammy’s Hangnail

Hidden among those compromises were plenty for health insurers who are some of the most despicable miscreants in American economics. These are people who literally put grammy’s well being far behind their own. They have a proven track record of rationing health care and reaping the rewards in excessive compensation.

Despite a bill that was popular at the time and is now favored by voters 49-40%, Americans got a huge bill from the insurance companies before almost anything actually took effect. They got that because Obama caved to their demands just as he caved to the neo-tea baggers. In return, he was charged with shameless socialism…by the same Republicans and lobbyists who brokered – if one could call it that – the sweetheart deal. Repblibaggers say they’ll repeal it bit won’t  – unless by repeal you mean rejigger it so the deals get better for the unhealth care giants and their minions in striped suits and whigtips.

BO may know sports, but politics? Not so much. He has established a firm and repeatable record for setting himself up for the Big Fail. He gives a carrot to the Grand Old Elephants, who throw it a few feet down the road. Trying to be a nice, agreeable guy he bends down to pick up the carrot. Suddenly, the elephant breaks out a huge stick and beats him like a rug. Then, after the beat down, he dutifully hands the carrot back to the elephant who accuses him of being an oafish prick for dropping it, throws it down the road, and starts the cycle again.

For such a smart guy, you’d think he’d learn this is a really mean game of carrot and stick.

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A Republican’s Fascination with Man-on-Horse Sex

Bestiality has existed as long as humans have roamed the planet. Apparently, it’s bounced around in the heads of at least two Republican politicos too.

INTERSPECIES INVOLVEMENT? - What is the Republican fascination with bestiality? It seems to be on their minds often.

INTERSPECIES INVOLVEMENT? - What is the Republican fascination with bestiality? It seems more unhealthy than gay sex.

In 2003, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Toontown) suggested that repealing sodomy laws to decriminalize homosexual behavior would lead to “man-on-dog” sex.  His position was supported by antiabortion activist and pea brain,  Hadley Arkes who believes gay marriage will lead to “cross-species involvements.”

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Even Uneducated Republicans Do It…
To a sentient being, it would seem that jumping from decriminalizing anal or oral sex – both of which are rumored to be practiced by some heterosexuals and maybe even some Republicans – leads to getting down and dirty with the family poodle or perhaps a tet a’ tet with a Venusuvian.

Let’s flash forward from the enlightened mindset of Santorum’s 2010 B.C. thinking to today. Sen. John “McThusela” McCain is battling former Congressloon J.D. Hayworth in the Arizona primaries. Hayworth has thought long and hard – no pun intended – about gay marriage and he doesn’t like it one bit. And after all that long and hard thinking – again, no pun intended – he’s joined the Santorum bandwagon, but with a twist, man-on-horse sex.

“You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage [as] – now get this -  it defined marriage as simply, ‘the establishment of intimacy,’” as Hayworth put it.

“I don’t mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point,” Hayworth absurdly continued. “I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse. ”

An Absurd Point Made Absurdly by an Absurd Man
Aside from the fact that most states already have separate anti-sodomy and anti-bestiality laws that make the whole gay, animal loving, “intimacy” issue a moot point, his logic is “absurdly” flawless. However, he left out some other sexy shenanigans. How about people who marry inanimate objects? Or, the people who really do love their dogs or horses? Heck, what about Republicans who are up for a little man-on-man sex, without marriage and without “intimacy”? You don’t even have to go outside the party to consult a fetish expert, just ask Larry Vitter how the diapers are fitting these days.

I don’t condone bestiality. After all, it can’t be between two consenting adults because – logically – dogs and horses can’t talk. But unless some weirdo tries to stuff a 12 inch dong into a 2 inch dachshund hole, there’s little that will happen except a horse with a broken heart when the love dies.

Just once it would be nice for one of these jugheads or their half-wit “inter-species” spawn to cite actual scientific evidence that being gay makes you a dog humper, NAMBLA devotee, or serial rapist. In fact, it would be nice if they would take a break from humping Sarah Palin’s leg to explain how what gays do in the privacy of their own homes or horses do in the privacy of their barns has any effect on them and how they want to live.

Leave the bestiality claims to professionals like the SPCA or Greenpeace and for God’s sake, go back on your meds.

Like they say, just because you’re paranoid that a gay hamster fantasizes about gay sex doesn’t mean they aren’t actually fantasizing about you.

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Reagan: 50 Ways to Scare the Moths Out of Your Wallet

WHEN $50 ISN'T ENOUGH - Since it's unlikely Reagan ever saw something as small as a $50 bill, perhaps a higher denomination is in order.

WHEN $50 ISN'T ENOUGH - Since it's unlikely Reagan ever saw something as small as a $50 bill, perhaps a higher denomination is in order.

Of all the things this country desperately needs, St. Ronnie of Reagan’s wrinkly-assed, ancient mug on a $50 bill is the least of them. We don’t need his name on airports, aircraft carriers, nor innumerable middle schools. No St. Ronnie of Reagan churches, no Ronnie slept here historical markers, no Ronald Reagan Memorial Waste Water plants.

I’m even in favor of renaming the Ronald Reagan Library because politicians are poor role models and shouldn’t have anything more named for them than absolutely necessary. (I’m strongly in favor of renaming the George W. Bush Presidential Library too, but less because he’s a politician than because he couldn’t find a “libary” if his dumb ass depended on it.)

While most of the rest of the world goes with painters, musicians, or something else innocuous – like souvlakis or cheese sandwiches – we hold steadfast to pasting the mugs of dead politicos on our cash. Oddly, we have this in common with the many dictators who like seeing themselves on every available flat surface in their country. “Hey, lets put my face on the dinar so it matches the gold sofa in my Presidential palace – or I will execute you!”

Yet, Rep. Patrick T. McHenry (R-Neptune), sees this as essential Congressional “bidness”. He says St. Ronnie deserves to scare the moths out of everyone’s wallet because he ranks higher than Ulysses in presidential polls. Following Patrick McHenry’s (“Give me McLiberty or give me McDeath!) logic, Rutheford B. Hayes, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and Grover Cleveland should all get their faces on money before Ronnie.

It’s a lame reason anyway. It’s also lame because Ronnie was a shit, morally and politically, and did not single-handedly take down the Berlin Wall brick by asbestos-covered brick as the more deluded politicians – who’d knock RR’s vacant smile off money in a minute if they thought they could get anyone to put their own blockish heads on instead – would have you believe.

I say let’s take all politicians off money completely. I say let’s go for some butterflies or pretty amber waves of grain. Hell, I bet a majestic purple mountain on the $50 would be a vast improvement over a drunken, middling, Republican war hero OR a retired B-movie actor with a background in sports broadcasting, a crappy memory, and running the California and Federal governments into the ground. Even a photo of a dog would be preferable.

I hereby nominate my sharbrador, Fiona.

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