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Kudlow: You Can Hug and We Won’t Ask, If You Don’t Tell

The Huggy Bear

DON'T ASK, DON'T HUG - "I tell you, I did not hug that man, Jim Cramer! But, I'm game if he is."

First, it was the terrorist fist bump between the POTUS and FLOTUS. Then came that scandalous bow to the Saudi King. Now, we have the bro hug between Rahm Emanuel and Obama. Could these complaints GET any dumber? It’s like a freakin’ dispute over flag pins … on steroids.

CNBC goob, Larry “Loud Suit” Kudlow, has found it inexcusable that the two shared a hug when Emanuel left the White House. His complaint was that the hug was somehow unpresidential – unlike the double-cheeked smooches every other potentate in the world unloads onto a shocked worldwide audience.

The Huggy Twins!

NEWS FLASH! - Bush and McCain embolden al Queda to launch attacks.

Was it as unpresidential as the time the Pretzel Choker-in-Chief locked himself in a room during a trip to China and then mugged it up for the cameras? Or, how about the time he gave the unwanted back rub to Angela Merkel or carried on discussions with his willing dupe, Tony Blair, while open-mouthed chomping a dinner roll in a blizzard of French bread crumbs? Bush had the manners of a cowboy – a cowboy born in a barn in a cradle of horse apples at that. I heard rumors he farted at state dinners and followed up with the old, “the one who smelled it, dealt it” gambit too.

Remember folks, you heard it here first.

Now I know that Big Screaming Heads like Kudlow aren’t subject to the same stringent rules under which Presidents labor. If they were, the markets would collapse every time they screamed their inane “financial” analysis over top of every guest the crapweasels host.

Hey, wait a minute! They did collapse! KUDLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

As long as we’re going with the insulting stupid, what about Kudlow’s clothes? Bravo needs to reprise an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to get the sartorially challenged asscake some help. Those horizontal striped ties go so well with his Mafioso striped suits. He looks like a damn TV test pattern.

Have you seen him in HD? It’s a truly frightening experience in the same way IMAX theatres make people bilious.

Kudlow, it’s time for you to learn to luv the hug. It’s time for you to troop over and visit that other offensive CNBC jackwad, Jim Cramer.

Here’s my boffo idea for ending each segment. When Cramer stops his crack-induced diatribes, and after he’s shut off the bull grunts, bear growls, cowbells, and explosions – hug him. Just a little. Maybe a hug combined with a manly handshake or perhaps an NFL-style butt grab. Then, glory in it. Feel the freedom? Feel the tender moment of true friendship? It’s OK even if you feel a little wood – a twig really, nothing ostentatious that would clash with your suit.

If you try it just once, I know you’ll like it.

Then again, humanity isn’t your game, is it?

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