Dear Abby: Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Week

Pat and the Fish

AHOY CAP’N! – Pat Robertson gathers the loaves and fishes to feed the multitudes of dumbasses.

It’s a rare week when someone from the Traditional Values cabal doesn’t say something insane. This may be a result of being insane. It may be a result of too much bottle feeding as a baby. Maybe they are even geniuses and just like screwing with the rest of us. Who knows? But just for sad, sad giggles so we can keep from crying, here is some Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Weak (pun intended).

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Don’t Do Unto Others As They May Decide to Do Unto You

Guns and Bibles

GUNS AND BIBLES - Ameican Christians like to howl about their persecution, but it's hard to feel their pain. Having control over almost all political posts, have unlimited money and influence, and can demonize and run rough-shod over others, it's not persecution...it's the Tyranny of the Majority,

American Christians are quite vocal in the belief they’re oppressed, but it’s hard to feel their pain. They’re the overwhelming majority in this country. Virtually every member of every legislative body and every elected representative is Christian. Their lobbies are as potent as any on K St. The government funds them by not taxing them. They routinely work to defeat bills clear majorities want and that deprive citizens – sometimes other Christians – of their civil rights.

If that’s oppression, sign me up. It sounds like a sweet deal.

However, there are persecuted and oppressed Christians. For example, many countries have real zero tolerance for anything other than their God and prophet. They sometimes force Christians from their homes, turn them into refugees, or kill them.

Popester

NO MEA CULPA - If the Pope thinks Christians are the most oppressed instead of the oppressors, he should take his next vacation in Baghdad. BTW Your Holiness, don't forget the up-armored Popemoblie. The Natives are restless.

Meanwhile, American Christians busy themselves with important issues like the proper etymology of Christmas v. Holiday. Living in their secure homes and working in their secure jobs they feel it’s their God-given right to rewrite history books, let pedophiles escape unpunished, or denigrate science because it doesn’t completely jibe with their Bible.

There’s no doubt the intolerance against Christians in countries like Iraq is awful. It’s the tyranny of the majority directed against the few. But except for the degree of modern persecution (the Christians don’t exactly have a bloodless history either), how is that any different from the tyranny of the American majority against the minority here?

I’m not a Christian and I’m sure there are many Christians who’d argue I have no right to an opinion about their religion. However, I’d point out that by the same logic, Christians have no right to an opinion about Islam or me or Druids. But, they never seem shy about exercising the same freedoms they seem unwilling to share with anyone other than themselves.

It is the Christian Sabbath, the last one before the holiest of Christian holy days. Whether you call it Christmas, the holidays, or Festivus, it seems like a good time for Christians, indeed everyone, regardless of religion or the lack thereof, to borrow the concepts of peace and harmony espoused in the Bible, the Quran, and most other religious texts in the world.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

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Curse You Father for You Have Sinned

It's All Your Fault

THE SEXY LITTLE SCAMP DID IT! - The Vatican and it's apologists are doing everything possible to blame someone else for rampant sex abuse by priests. What's next, blame the victim?

Catholic League President and Vatican apologist, Bill Donohue, has stepped into the church’s molestation scandal to make things worse, as if they weren’t bad enough already. With the Pope’s mitre caught in the wringer, Donohue took a page from the Karl Rove political playbook – blame everyone except yourself. Catholicism has officially become a “no fault” religion.

Donohue’s “logic” about responsibility for the crisis is tortured at best. He starts the finger pointing with the New York Times (why is it always the media’s fault) for calling the mess a “pedophilia” crisis. His implied logic is that most of the victims were post-pubescent. Does he believe it’s somehow less of a sin to molest someone who shaves regularly than to play grab ass with a kid who’s still in elementary school? I’m sure all those victims, including the post-pubescent kids and adults who were molested, will be greatly relieved to find out they weren’t “abused” after all.

Oops, our bad Mr. Pope sir,” they’ll surely say. “Now that Mr. Donohue has explained it, I guess it wasn’t molestation at all. Father Damian just took off my clothes and read me Bible stories. The sodomy afterwards was just his way of saying AMEN.”

But the New York Times and post-pubescent kids aren’t the only bad guys. As with many things in society, the gays are also at fault. “While homosexuality does not cause predatory behavior, and most gay priests are not molesters, most of the molesters have been gay,” he said.

Huh?

So, if being gay isn’t a sign of predatory behavior, why is it important that most of the molesters – or predators as he calls them – have been gay? I’m not seeing the fine distinction between a run of the mill “molester” and a “molester” who “preys” upon victims.

Priests Gone Wild

The only thing missing are the Mardi Gras beads.

Furthermore, the Catholic Church considers homosexuality a sin. If priests – supposedly good role models for the people they minister – are committing sins, why would Ratzie continue to let them represent the church? If a priest denounced the Pope as an ugly, dangerous crapweasel with flamboyant fashion sense, I’m guessing there would be, pardon me, hell to pay…although, I would reward him for his honesty.

In fact, why is the Catholic Church investigating itself at all? Child molestation – or rape for the over-puberty set – is against the law. Why are the molesters being protected and aren’t those protectors guilty of conspiracy? If secular police aren’t going to enforce these crimes, are they going to ignore someone who kills a parishioner during morning mass?

Donohue’s explanations are about as logical as Creationism. If anyone is guilty of a sin, Donohue, the Pope, and his personal ring-kissers are right up there with the molesters. So riddle me this, if homosexuals aren’t predators, but can be molesters, couldn’t grown men dressed in white muumuus, dripping gaudy jewelry, and wearing funny red hats be called homosexuals – especially when they show all the self-loathing homophobia common in closeted homosexuals?

“Curse you Father for you have sinned.”

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