THE DEVIL MADE HIM DO IT - Protect thyself and thine cat from the Spawn of Satan. Click photo for more >>

Non-Prophet

• This movie has a real Old Testament vibe going on.
• I’ve always suspected there was something unreal about a disembodied being floating around creating universes. But then, maybe I’m wrong.
• Jesus may have been able to walk on water, but he apparently can’t walk in front of a Buick.
• Baggers for Jesus!
• Well, if we can’t get into your pants, how about your robe?

Robots Gone Wild

• Do men fear robotic prostate surgery? Well, probably no more than women fear robotic episiotomies.
• I’ll be impressed when it crushes the cans on its giant robotic head.
• I’m pretty sure there are more efficient ways to get rid of all the cocktail hostesses.
• Deep thoughts by Jack Handey Robbie the Robot.
• Clearly, mind reading robots may not be one of the brightest ideas to come out of Japan.
• Be sure to see Robocod II, Carps of Vengance.
• Toyota introduces the Dancebuster 3000 and then immediately recalls it because robots can’t dance with failing brakes.
• It’s a great invention, but the only use for it appears to be choking the crap out of Hello Kitty fans.

GOING TO THE DOGS - The world is such that even dogs get confused these days.

Japanalia

• Blood is not thicker than love.
• There’s always room for Jello water.
• Happy Unbirthday Hello Kitty!

The Web is Neither a Time Nor a Place, It’s a State of Mind

• Yessss, there IS an explanation for how Obama won the Nobel Prize!
• Cute and tiny hedgehog cast alert!
• It could’ve been worse, he could’ve used the heads to carry buckets instead of the other way around.
• Let’s let the facts speak for themselves, “You are 10 times more likely to be the victim of pinata related violence than a terrorist attack.” It’s obviously time for the TSA to ban them.
• Kid with incredibly huge ears proves there’s a missing genetic link to Bugs Bunny.
• I’ve seen a lot of unicorn posts, but this one is the best by far.
• OK, this is the last straw. Google desperately needs to be regulated before they start screwing around with a beer goggle app called, Beer Googles.
• Let’s put another bridesmaid on the barbie.
• Skittles, feel the peenie.
• I feel much better. The crushed blue velvet tux I wore to my prom looks like timeless fashion compared to these chumps.
• Please, tell us how you really feel about your ex-wife.
• Tonight is Virgin Night on Deal or No Deal.
• Riddle me this: What’s 30,000 years old, rock hard, 8 inches long, and was broken in a fit of passion?
• So they find a roach, a mouse, and some dried blood. Whatta they do? Slap those bad boys between two tender chicken patties and chow down! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
• “Psst. Psst. Hey, dude. Dude! You wanna score some fresh lob?”
• Whereupon, Michelle Obama then went to Duff’s Famous Wings and kicked the crap out of the little slut.
• Yukio Hatoyama is angling to take over Don Cherry’s spot on Hockey Night in Canada.
• The family wasn’t so upset with Emma about posing provocatively. It was riding to the photo shoot in a car that really tweaked their shoo-fly pie.

PARTY ON DUUUDE! - Watch out Cabo, it's Grannies Gone Wild! Click photo for more>>

Stupid Human Tricks

• In his defense, he WAS distracted from that last lap dance.
• What would possess one to cram an eel up one’s ass?
• It was later revealed that Uwe married the cat to get it onto his health care plan.
• Yet another reason the Justin Bieber phenomenon is so puzzling.
• When they said, “penis butterfly tattoo” I thought they meant a butterfly tattooed on your penis – silly me.
• You were “hungry”? Dude, Jack in the Box is open 24X7 and has bitchin’ ground nose tacos. Get a clue!
• Come on, let’s dance! “Everybody was kung fu farting, doodle do doodle do do do.”
• Im cummmmmmiiiiiiiiig, RU2?
• In his defense, it’s not as if the priest fell asleep molesting an 11-year old boy.
• It’s a very understanding husband who believes his wife became pregnant from watching a 3D porn movie.
• So the moral of the story is, “think before you ink“.
• I wonder if practitioners of vore can be vegan?
• Convicted of touching the judge’s butt, the defense argued for a mistrial based on the old Cerebral Palsy defense.
• Andrew was charged with having, “an extreme pornographic image which portrayed in an explicit and realistic way a person performing an act of intercourse with a dead animal, namely a squid, which was grossly offensive, disgusting, or of obscene character”. Um, yeah.
• Sartania, that horse is probably already out of the barn.

Proof That Unrestricted Capitalism is the Scourge of the Earth

• Of all the pet problems I’m aware of, covering up your dog’s ugly asshole is somewhere near the bottom of the list.
• I could be wrong, but I’m thinking goat hair leg warmers won’t be hot sellers this Christmas.
• If you have big enough boobs to hide, the solution probably isn’t covering them with a glorified handkerchief.
• Of course, this explains the new butt aisle at Home Depot.
• When Arizona found the Gringo Mask, they knew they’d found the solution for illegal immigration.
• Never eat toast without the visage of Jesus on it again.
• In a technological triumph, the British have improved the Maxwell Smart-era Cone of Silence technology.

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• Japan’s giant leap: Humanoid robot on the moon by 2015 (dvice.com)
• Video of cat vs. robot (Spoiler: cat OWNS the robot!) (dvice.com)

A NIGHT TO LAST FOREVER - And I though my 1973 electric blue, crushed velvet tux was something special.

God Stuff

• Later, the church invented the Holy Day of Christ’s Nose Blow Miracle.
• Why is God wearing jeans?
• My God can whip your God, but only if the old testament dude isn’t the one on the fight card.
• Millie thought it was a miracle until she found out she was looking at the entree at a spaghetti feed for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
• If God is really in our brain, how come complete idiots sometimes believe in God?
• God hates signs, but not nearly as much as he hates Westboro Baptist Church.
• When did the Super Bowl become so politicized?

Proof  Capitalists Don’t Know What the Hell They’re Doing

• Makers said there was even a dutch oven cooking method involving diners putting the pouches in their anal cavities.
• Somehow, this commercial doesn’t make me want to go out and have someone jab me a zillion times with a sharp-ass needle.
• I wonder if you could take this off your taxes?
• I’m thinking these won’t sell well in the projects where they have ample supplies of rats anyway.
• It’s the perfect gift for that special someone who has all the perception of your average tree stump.
• A Right to Life group unveils “proof” that God wants you to carry your unborn child by tying him to your vagina with yarn.

Crime Waves of the Moronic

• The worst part was that Michelle still ended up with a ticket for loitering.
• The dogs were OK with it, as long as Carla wore a bag over her head.
• It’ wouldn’t have been so bad if the stuff had been fresh and warm.
• Well in the cop’s defense, he had just eaten a jelly donut and needed something to wash it down.
• Are you happy to see me or are those 75 bottles of lotion in your pants?

There Are a Billion Stories on the Naked Internet…These are Only 14 of Them

• Billy was hysterical when he learned Mom had thrown out his comic book collection. His first edition copy of Amputee Love was worth a fortune.
• There’s the pitch and…oooo, a swing and a miss.
• Republican leaders introduced their proposal for dental work during the debate over health care last week.
• All in all, the Obama administration’s “shovel ready” infrastructure projects are creative and provide jobs to divers, tailgaters, and laundry wenches.
• It became evident early on that Billy was a world-class band nerd.
• I’d say, “my condolences” in Bo, but no one knows how to speak it any more.
• These cubies may be “amazing”, but you still feel like a meerkat hiding from a wildebeest when you stand up and look around.
• The Oakland County sheriff’s department said, “After consuming an unknown quantity of alcohol, he constructed a device out of a motorcycle muffler and pipe.” Alcohol? What tipped you off, sheriff?”
• Yes, they are “rubbish” if by rubbish you mean unsanitary crap piles.
• The Cyrus family always took great pride in their contributions to the rich fabric of American society.
• The speech was just goin’ dandy til Sarah mistook her hand for the teleprompter don’tcha know? Wink, wink, wave.
• As plastic surgery goes, being a Jessica Alba clone isn’t so bad.
• Some people’s generosity knows no bounds.
• Uber-nerdity.

Robot: From the Czech Word Robata

• Sure, it’s a bit crude, but if it gets you the tickets, “what the hell?”
• We may not being going to the moon, but by God, Rosie the Robot is within our grasp!
• If these are the visions of the future I don’t want to go on. I already got burned by that whole Jetson’s flying car thing.
• The robot firefighter was a good idea except for the materials they used to make it.

The Jiggly Bits

• As soon as David Vitter heard the news, he immediately reacted by saying, “What’s up with this ban? Former bestiality practitioners will immediately join NAMBLA and start abusing the youngsters of America.”
• It’s a great Valentine Day promotion, but act now – reservations are going fast.
• Fer god sakes Melvin, get your mind out of the gutter table saw.
• Patrick Swazye returns from the grave to film this unique sequel to his hit movie, Ghost.
• “Oh, I say. Could you pul-eeze keep the noise down just a smidge. It is interfering with my science project.”

Made in Japan

• Audiences loved the machines until they found out they were all props from the Broadway play Starlight Express.
• Taxi! Taxi!

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