The Pillsbury Newsboy and the NPR Nazis

Roger Ailes, the Pillsbury Newsboy, hates NPR. Thinks they’re a bunch of Nazis. That’s no surprise. Most Republicans hate them. This week they hate NPR because they fired that poor, beleaguered liberal Juan Williams for admitting he’s a pusillanimous ninny who pisses his Sansabelts at the mere sight of a Muslim, just like Ailes and his stable of the Biggest Gigantic Screeching Heads.

Conservatives like Roger like to whine that NPR is single-handedly crushing conservative discourse in this nation.  Apparently Roger has very low self-esteem evidenced by the fact that his conservative gab goobs crush all his liberal competitors, including NPR, in the ratings. I guess he’s not only irrationally afraid of Muslims, but liberals too.

Whadaya Know Fanatics at Risk
Now anyone, left or right, can make the legitimate case that NPR doesn’t deserve funding. It’s not exactly like they’re as influential as say, Newscorp. They serve a narrow audience of opera lovers and Whadya Know fanatics, so it’s a safe bet the nation won’t perish without them.

Yes, times are tight and the government could use the money, but in the time Congress takes to vote on this, they’ll have spent about 10 times NPR’s annual budget. But then, that’s the sort of spectacular financial acumen they used to drive us into the dumper to begin with.

You could legitimately argue that NPR and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting shouldn’t get government funds, but you could say the same thing about our other government corporationsAmtrak and the Postal Service. But if a politician is taking donations from the direct mail lobby, they should STFU. Ditto for all the Midwestern pols who cry like babies every time Amtrak cuts back. It’s ghastly that 12 of their constituents who board trains in their state each year will surely swoon without their subsidized rail service.

And, NPR may be a government corporation, but it’s still a corporation. It has a board of directors and everything,  just like Chevron (one of their sponsors). Whatever happened to deregulation and staying out of a corporation’s business? After all, part of the reason it isn’t self-sufficient is that Congress severely limits the ways it can collect money. Come to think of it, that may be answer to high oil prices…but there I go talking like a socialist again.

Look, this country is in deep trouble whether you think Obama is a Kenyan  Kommie intent on crashing the country like an Islamic hijacker or that Boehner and Mitch are trying lurch the country back to 1879 when men were men and women were women (who MitchBo and the Boys don’t think deserve equal pay for equal work).

Slapping the Faces of Creationists
I admit it, sometimes I listen to public radio or watch public TV. There’s some interesting stuff on there and the bulk of  it has no ideological bent at all – unless you count those documentaries about animal evolution as a slap to the face of Creationists everywhere.

Even so, I could go for defunding them even if the Dems won’t. It would only offset the deficit by the amount it took me to type this sentence, but I do get that it’s importantly symbolic. I can even sympathize that it’s wrong to use public monies for purely political purposes, but so are the bucketloads of cash Republicans piss away politically preening to the great unwashed.

But if you’re going to defund them, be honest. It’s not about the money. It’s not about the librul programming. It’s not about the threat All Things Considered poses to conservatism. It’s not even about Juan Williams. It’s about being pains in the ass for the sake of being pains in the ass.

So conservatives, if you’ll cop to that, I’ll gladly picket the local NPR outlet and demand they return last year’s pledge to me.

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Juan Williams: We’ve Become the United States of Wussies

Fear Me

I'M A-SCARED! - Juan Williams' Muslim statement says more about him than it does about Muslims. What the hell is everyone so scared of?

Juan Williams, Fox News contributor and now ex-NPR reporter, was fired for saying he’s nervous when Muslims board his plane. As might be expected, conservatives are howling to yank NPR funding and liberals are saying NPR jumped the gun ala Shirley Sharrod. It’s nice to see we’ve finally achieved bipartisanship by rallying around the notion that NPR sucks – unless, of course, you’re a fan of opera.

When I first heard about this story, the idea that Williams had become some sort of overnight racial profiler didn’t even occur to me. After all, he has a long history of speaking out against racism in its many forms or at least as often as he can before Britt Hume or some other ass cake interrupts him. No, the first thing that jumped into my head was, “What a wuss!”

If Williams is guilty of anything, it’s not racism – it’s his irrational fear of a crackpot amateur videographer living in a Pakistani cave. And if that’s a crime, let’s lock up the rest of fear-crazed America too.

Setting Our Crotches on Fire
So big is our national obsession with fear, that we compliantly allow ourselves to be x-rayed, cavity searched, and deprived of our shoes and belts simply because some idiot mistook his shoe for a candle and another set his crotch on fire.

It seems everyone is terrified of something or someone today. AZ Governatrix Jan Brewer is tremble-kneed over Latinos attacking from Mexico, though curiously not afraid of French Canadians invading Vermont. Sharron Angle is afraid of Canadians so that fear seems to be covered. What a relief, I feared no one would step up for that one. Sharron may also be afraid of Latinos and Asians or someone. They all look alike to her and it’s a tough job so she has to do it.


Obama is afraid of failure, Bush is afraid someone will see he was a carbuncle on the ass of democracy – a hint to the Dub, that cat is already out of the bag. Whites are afraid of blacks. Otherwise brave soldiers are afraid someone might look at their armor-piercing peckers in the shower, but feel much safer if they don’t ask the lookie-loo what he’s looking at and said loo doesn’t tell them. And Sarah Palin pretty much scares the crap out of everyone – except CEOs, who fear no one, but are roundly feared by everyone.

Oh, and Christine O’Donnell is afraid of Bill Maher, though that didn’t stop her from appearing on his show like 357 times to say she was an anti-mastubatory witch.

All Fear, All the Time
Being afraid of Muslims is like saying you’re afraid of Oklahomans because of Timothy McVey or afraid of Coloradans because a zealot whack job killed an abortion doctor there.

To edit a phrase recently uttered on the Fox Fear Network, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, not all terrorists are Muslims, but all terrorists are terrorists” and they’re in the business of scaring the bejeebers out of people. When they’re successful – and in America they’re fabulously successful beyond their wildest incoherent dreams – they win. They get what they want. They want to say, “BOO!” and see 350 million people simultaneously piss their pants…over a poorly-filmed amateur videotape.

Americans really need to get a grip. There’s nothing wrong with prudent precautions, but building a Maginot Line across the southwest is NOT it. I can live with a stroll through a metal detector, though I still don’t like it nor think it does much. I mean when was the last time a turban-wearing Arab showed up for the 3:15 Delta to Sheboygan carrying one of those round Spy vs. Spy bombs?

So what say we all pull up our big girl, big boy, transgendered pants and act like reasonable adults instead of a pack of screaming Campfire Girls because that new Muslim kid down the block keeps trying to put worms down our backs.

Oh yeah, and hire Williams back…with a raise. It’s the least you could do, you pussies.

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