Vote Cain and Able 2012

cAIN AND aBLE

Cain/Able, 2012

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Bush War Crimes: What About His Accomplices?

Mohamed ElBaradei, former head of the International Atomic Energy Agency, says in his new memoir that some Bush Administration officials should face an international criminal investigation for their actions in starting Gulf War II.

He makes a strong case based on confirmed information that has come to light since the War of Error began. For example:

Were there really WMD? Why did the Bushies take the word of an informant, already believed by his German handlers to be sketchy, over ElBaradei and other nuke monitors? Why was the war originally about WMD? Then, about non-existent Al Qaeda meanies before morphing into a campaign spreading the wonders of democracy to a country that still can’t govern itself after almost 9 years and counting.

More importantly, why are we still there? If the answer that Bush still clings to was removing a, “homicidal dictator pursuing WMD,” then the question was settled long ago. No WMD and the homicidal dictator is dead. Let’s go pack our bags.

That war, along with the one in Afghanistan, has cost many lives and much national treasure – enough treasure to make them major causes of our current debt crisis. And, they continue to be albatrosses around the nation’s fiscal neck.

Most people have concluded the war was a colossal blunder at best and a war crime, as Elbaradei believes, at worst. What is certain is that the King of Personal Responsibility and his cabal of inept minions have never been held to account for any of their actions and they’re unlikely to.

People don’t talk much about Iraq anymore. If they’re extremely well-informed they might be vaguely aware that bombs still explode and soldiers still die. Most Americans are more worried about who’s going to get bounced from American Idol than how many Americans are still stuck the world’s largest sand traps. America has a giant case of war fatigue. You can only watch just so many car wrecks before they’re no fun anymore. Just ask Dale Earnhardt fans.

We can lay some of that malaise at the feet of Congress and Barak Obama. Nancy Pelosi came into power and immediately took impeachment off the table. Obama campaigned extensively on winding down both Afghanistan and Iraq. However, the end of his term is coming up and we’re still there – in Afghanistan, in fact, more there than when Bush was bumbling along.

We’re still bleeding money from both suck holes while arguing if we can afford schools, roads, and Grandma’s Alzheimer’s meds. We’re still under the dark provisions of the comically named Patriot Act and each day government power grows at a rate second only to America’s corporatocracy.

I didn’t expect Obama’s promises of Hope and Change to be totally true. After all, campaign promises always melt when high-minded rhetoric meets reality. However, I did expect some action, even if no more than token resistance, to counter the smoking hole Dubya bequeathed us.

Instead, there’s no change in trying to reclaim our burgled civil liberties. No progress in getting out of Afghanistan and scarcely more in leaving Iraq. We’re still bleeding money on the disgraceful wars to the detriment of almost everything the government does. But worst of all, there’s no hope any of that will change.

So maybe ElBaradei has a point. Maybe Big Bush and all of his little scrub brush should be hauled up in front of the Interrnational Court. But in the interest of true American justice, Obama, Congress, and any other jackwads who helped this happen should be in their best orange jumpsuits right along with him.

And we should make sure we do it without starting some new war upon ourselves.

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The Republicans: Poised at the Glory Hole

Entering the Gloryhole

ENTERING THE GLORY(HOLE) - The Republicans are almost certain to recapture all or part of Congress this time around, despite lower poll numbers than the Dems and the lunacy inspired by their inbred kin, the Tea Baggers. They think it's glorious now, but will it be a "surprise" on the other side of the hole?

As we enter the midterm elections the US is like a ship without a rudder – or more appropriately, a ship with a broken one. Obamanism has had mixed results at best with as much complaint from the left as the right. Approval ratings for Congressional Democrats are lower than whale crap at the bottom of the Marianas Trench and for Republicans … well, let’s just say they’re so bad even The Big Dick™ would flinch at the numbers.

The prevailing wisdom is that Republicans will romp and take back Congress for Contract on America – Part Deux. John “Agent of Orange” Boehner and Mitch “Yertle the Turtle” McConnell will rise to the podium and try to control their herd of cats better than the Democrats’ disgraceful performance.

Being egotistical, intransigent buffoons they’ll surely prattle on about non-existent mandates, promises of a new beginning, and demands that anyone – left, right, or center – genuflect and kiss their rings (and their asses too while they’re down there).

After 10 years of Republicans who rule and oppose rule like bungs in the hole of democracy, they’ll find a country a whole lot harder to govern than they remember. First, they were the ones to lay George’s flaming bags of dog crap on America’s front porch for someone else to solve (it turns out, poorly) and the country is none too happy about it.

Run for Your Lives!

AIN'T THAT A PURTY PITCHER? - Just what the nation needs ... more crazed loons.

Second, they will have to expand their limited single word, monosyllabic platform beyond “no” – and hell no, “Hell no” won’t do.

And most dicey, they’ll have to pay for all those Tea Parties they attended so giddily. Now that the Baggers are beginning to spectacularly embarrass or outright turn on them, they’ll have to figure out what to do with the Mad Hatter crowd. The Baggers may be imbeciles, but they’re hell-bent on Change No One Can Believe In and the hell with Hope, Republicans, and the portion of voters who have more brain cells than a doughnut.

The prospect this year’s turnover signals a permanent American move somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan and the foundation for a glorious thousand year Reich is far-fetched (and no, I’m not comparing them to Nazis, only to idiots). They built the gallows over the past 10 years and laid out more than enough rope to hang themselves. And because Dems are the limpest politicians on Earth, they’ll unwittingly help the Republicans put the noose on by doing exactly what they did under the reign of Bush the Lesser and The Messiah™ – cower and agree with the Republicans on every issue because their natural response to bullies is to pee down their own legs. In other words, the Republicans and their in-bred cousins, the Tea Baggers, will prove they are their own worst enemies.

When Nancy Pelosi rose to power, I cautioned Democrats against being too effusive over what the historic change meant. They didn’t listen. They fist pumped, whooped and hollered, and shit in their own mess kits. I’m cautioning the Republicans against the same thing. However, being recidivist crapweasels I’m sure they’ll pour it on even thicker than the Democrats.

Republicans, ignore me at your peril. Before you even regain power, I can already see how you’ll lose it just as spectacularly as you did before, only the timetable is still left to complete.

Hopefully, you’ll lose it by 2012. We’re in bad enough shape already.

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You Know You Might Be a Moderate If…

Moderate Voter

THE AMERICAN POLITICAL PROCESS - What the hell, it's as good a reason as any. It's not like it means anything.

This is the last installment in our You Know You Might Be a (Fill in the Blank) If series. If you missed Parts 1 and 2, don’t forget to read:

You know you might be a moderate if you:

  • Are part of the undecided vote in every poll.
  • Wish you could vote by remote control so you wouldn’t have to miss a minute of Real Housewives of Cincinnati.
  • Only vote every third election, regardless of what kind of election it is or what kinds of initiatives are on the ballot.
  • Know so little about candidates that you vote for whoever appears at the top of the ballot.
  • Still vote for Pat Paulson just to piss off the real politicians.
  • You think the three branches of government are dumb, dumber, and dumbest.
  • You think Supreme Court decisions are based on rationality or fairness rather than the Constitution.
  • You think Congress sucks, but every time you see something screwed up you say, “There oughta be a law…”
  • You think that voters can vote on the constitutionality of laws.
  • Vote the way the last campaign worker outside the polls told you to.
  • Will only cast your vote if it doesn’t “cancel out” your spouse’s.
  • Find punch card ballots advanced technology.
  • Think all out war is justifiable until you find out how many people get killed and how much it costs.
  • You watch Katie Couric, Brian Williams, or Jay Leno for all your news.
  • Don’t watch the Daily Show because you don’t get the jokes.
  • Don’t realize the Daily Show is a comedy show.
  • Can’t drive a stick shift.
  • Love the in-depth articles in USA Today.
  • Are for something before you are against something, right after you were for it and against it simultaneously.
  • Are annoyed that ballots aren’t in multiple choice format.
  • Don’t know who Sarah Palin is.
  • When you find out who she is, you think you could vote for her because she has an honest face.
  • Think taxes are too high while voting for high-ticket ballot initiatives.
  • Don’t understand why they haven’t been able to find that Osama Bin Laden fella after all these years.
  • Don’t recognize the names Mitch McConnell, Harry Reid, or Nancy Pelosi, but can name all the judges and contestants to ever appear on So You Think You Can Dance.
  • Were going to vote, but hadn’t heard about it being election day.
  • Complain vociferously about policies and elected officials while ignoring the fact you didn’t vote.
  • Believe in term limits so you won’t have to vote as often.
  • Hate it when a Presidential address comes on and “ruins my shows”.
  • You carry more than $25,000 on your credit card and don’t understand how long it will take to pay it off in minimum payments.
  • You think the answer to paying off the debt on one credit card can be reduced by transferring it all to a new credit card with a 0.1% lower APR.
  • Can’t balance a checkbook (although this could also be equally true for liberals and conservatives).
  • Think war is imminent when a story appears saying the Pentagon has a war plan for invading North Korea without realizing they have constantly updated plans for every country on Earth…including Canada.
  • Think the mainstream media is too liberal.
  • Think the mainstream media is too conservative.
  • Think the mainstream media is both too conservative and too liberal at the same time.
  • Don’t know what the terms liberal and conservative mean.
  • Never read newspapers, magazines, or watch the news.
  • Complain Congress is made up of fat cats while voting for CEOs whose previous experience was turning their former companies into smoking holes in the ground while collecting a severance package greater than the GDP of Guatemala.
  • Complain about unions while taking time off from your 40-hour a week job to get company-supplied medical treatment for the black lung and crushed leg you got in a non-union coal mine.
  • Complain about executive compensation, but follow the company’s voting recommendation when the proxy statement for your 3 shares of AT&T shows up.
  • Thought Ted Stevens gave an enlightening explanation of the tubes and trucks that make up the Internet.
  • Spend a lot of time playing war-based video games while being undecided about Iraq and Afghanistan.
  • Couldn’t form an opinion if your life depended on it.
  • Don’t remember to mail in your absentee ballot until 3 months after the election after finding it in the junk drawer in your kitchen.
  • Appreciate the points from both right and left, but can’t vote because the positions seem so similar.
  • Think all Congressional votes are based on a simple majority.
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The Time Has Come for Relaxing Rangle to Relax Somewhere Else

RELAXIN' RANGEL - For Charlie Rangel may be relaxing now, but if justice has anything to do with it, he'll be soon be packing his bags and headed for his Dominican Republic getaway - or the Federl pen, which ever comes first.

RELAXIN' RANGEL - Charlie Rangel may be relaxing now, but if justice has anything to do with it, he'll be soon be packing his bags and headed for his Dominican Republic getaway - or the Federal pen, whichever comes first.

Legislators are as expert as lobbyists and CEOs when it comes to crowding the edge of anti-graft law. For instance, take Representative Charles Rangel. He’s been seated at the top of the political heap in Washington for more years than many can count and his robust girth shows just how well he’s feasted at the table of the powerfully privileged. If he was ever an honest man, those pretensions have fallen away to expose someone who feels it is his natural due to cheat on taxes and take bribes. There are plenty of arrogant CEOs who could learn a thing or two from Charlie and, for a fee directed to a Swiss bank account, I’m sure Charlie would teach them.

In a rare show of bipartisanship, both sides of the aisle agree he’s probably guilty of the accusations accumulated around him. He’s an embarrassment to his party and to the Congress as a whole, yet almost no one has seen fit call him out. Democrats don’t want to call attention to their own party’s contributions to Washington’s grafty suckhole. Republicans want to let sleeping dogs lie so they aren’t reminded of the many Republican scandals already in their rearview mirror and the ticking time bombs that still occupy the overstuffed chairs of the House. You know something’s out of whack when the Party of No won’t even say it.

In short, the entire conversation doesn’t revolve around Charlie’s guilt or innocence, it orbits political calculus. How much to say or whether to say anything at all is determined by the number of seats under DNC control, whether Charlie will spill the dirt he holds on others, or give the opposition a stick with which to heavily beat the majority about the face and neck. There’s nary a water cooler conversation that says dick about the right thing to do…

Unload the crooked sumbitch.

We don’t need “brave” politicians at a time like this. We don’t need equally crooked pols preaching “throw the bum out” while accidentally outing themselves as Charlie’s equals in the fine art of grifting. All we really require is for Nancy Pelosi, or any other member of Congress for that matter, to stand up and say, “Sorry Charlie. It’s time to go.”

That’s an unlikely scenario. More likely, Charley will fester until he pops himself onto the street like an infected, puss-proud zit poked with an ill-turned phrase or testimony from someone who refuses to stay paid off after cashing the checks. Greedy crapulence doesn’t lend itself to wise decision making, and that puts Mr. Rangel at a distinct disadvantage. The first rule in politics is to hide until they find you and then scream, “Do whatever you want to the girl, just don’t hurt me!”

There are two other scenarios. The Messiah of Changinology could stand up and force his semi-obedient Congressional lackeys to act – demonstrating first hand that what he preaches, he practices – the politics of change. Or, Charley could rediscover the lost phrase, “my bad”, take his lumps, and stumble off to his villa in the Dominican Republic wearing an e-bracelet on his ankle.

Yeah, like that’ll happen.

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