Tag Archives: Military

DADT and the Wall of Whoop


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Greatest Generation

THE GREATEST GENERATION - Gay soldiers and sailors served during WWII and helped defeat the original Axis of Evil.

DADT has been studied more than cancer, but the data is finally in. A vast majority of the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines said, “big whoop”. The Secretary of Defense and many senior commanders have said – as they have for quite some time – “big whoop”. And the public, which the Tea Baggers and Republicans claim gave them an overwhelmingly clear mandate to do whatever they wanted screamed, “big whoop!” The Republican caucus, a minority of military commanders, and most notably Lindsey “Rentboy” Graham and the world’s most petulant child, John McThuselah, have said, “Not so fast. There’ll be no whooping in my military.”

On this issue – come to think of it, on most issues – McCain has been a major pain in the tuchus. He whined because the 17 gazillion studies that have been done since DADT was enacted just weren’t thorough enough, if by thorough you mean agreed with him. He said he’d gladly go along with repeal once the troops on the ground said, “big whoop”. Not unexpectedly, when confronted by the troops’ Wall of Whoop, his response is, “Whaaaaaaaa! I don’t wanna!”

McCain: Formally Admiral Crybaby
How the hell did such a crybaby survive being a POW? “Wahhh! I want more gruel. Whaaaa! I’m hot, and cold, and hot. Whaaaa! You waterboarded me with a neti pot instead of a towel and bucket. What kind of enhanced interrogator are you?!”

Look, almost every military on Earth, except perhaps Pope Ratzzie’s Swiss Guard, accepts gay people. And like the old saw about masturbation (with apologies to Christine O’Donnell), those that think there are none already there are lying. So far as I know, there has never been a military failure attributable to sexual orientation unless you count drumming out qualified and critically needed translators at just the time we needed them most.

Way to fight the War of Error there Boehner Bitches.

There have been no instances of soldiers running out of the shower tent directly into the groping hands of a TSA agent because someone looked at their junk. Even little old ladies from Pasadena waited until someone took x-rays of their desiccated old vajayjays followed by the most embarrassing crotch grab in history to complain.

AAAAAHHHHH! Look, It’s a Dick
Are you saying that accidentally looking at an underwhelming, soap-lathered dick will cause a top notch military to take up arms and resist the legal orders of Congress and the President – who ought to stop pussyfooting (no pun intended) around and issue? If you do, are you not saying, “These colors never run!” but, “These colors will always run from a comrade they never even knew was gay before they were allowed to ask”? You’re not describing a world class military; you’re describing an extremely well-armed gaggle of unpatriotic, cowardly traitors.”

As a veteran, I for one am as insulted as those in uniform should be.

John Boy, Graham Cracker, Boehner Boys, Senate Leader Yertle, stop turning an issue with as much import to the country as your last 27 anti-flag burning amendments into a holy crusade that allows you to stomp your little wingtips and whine whenever the Democrats’ chiropractor accidentally finds a spine.

I believe you’ve been bragging about that massive mandate you got from the public. A public, BTW, that rates you several points below your craven Democratic colleagues and that sorry excuse for a President across the aisle. Quitcher bitchin’ and do as the vast majority of voters have commanded.

Your behavior is just so, um, gay (apologies to the LGBT community for the insult).

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The Time for Asking is Past, the Time for Telling is Now


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Dead is Dead Regardless of Sexual Preference

THE TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN GAY - If a gay soldier is shot down in the forest and no one is around to ask if he's gay, does he die straight?

The Dems are scrambling this week to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) before the electorate shows them the door. It’s a sad commentary that they should even need to rush to afford citizens the rights to which they are clearly entitled under the Constitution. It’s sadder still that the most useless piece of legislative garbage to ever come out of Congress was enacted to begin with and that it’s repeal hangs by a thread now.

Over the years homosexuality has been blamed for all manner of things without a grain of truth rooted in reality. First, there was the “all homos are pedophiles” argument. Then, there was the, “they’ll reduce the military to a bunch of sniveling, whining, fear-crazed Jello molds who fear being ogled in the showers” argument. Over at the WestBigot Baptist Church – a place so loopy even Ann Coulter thinks they’re crazy – they don’t even bother with justifications, just “smite them because God tells me so” – but apparently not the same God the Constitution alludes to:

Rights Are Endowed by Your Creator Dammit!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…”

Now comes the drivel from the Family Research Council (FRC), that allowing gays to serve in the military is going to cause a wave of rape to sweep through the ranks. Fine upstanding heterosexual men might be fellated while they sleep or have their backsides tenderly probed while standing in line at the mess hall.

Dear God! Can the End Times be far off?!

THE MEANING OF DADT - "Shut up and pretend to be straight for your country."

The FRC certainly seems to be right on top of this whole “gay thing”, probably because many of them are gay, afraid of becoming gay, in the process of being “cured” of being gay, or bi-confused about the whole thing. Just ask George “Rentboy” Rekers. As a group they appear to be as straight as a dog’s hind leg – and just as wet from pissing themselves.

Remove the Penises From Your Ears
So for those who still need to have the penises cleared from their ears, hear this:

  1. There is zero evidence that gays and the military are incompatible. Nearly every industrialized country on the planet has gays in the military and operate quite well, thankyewvurymuch.
  2. You are as free to hate gays as they are entitled to their Constitutionally-defined, God given right to serve in the military. Their doing so, in no way, interferes with your right to practice a religion or anything else for that matter.
  3. Despite Rick Santorum‘s protests to the contrary, being gay doesn’t infect you with an unquenchable desire to fellate puppies.
  4. The troops of the US military are brave professionals. To suggest they will somehow run away from homosexuals like little girls on a playground is not only ludicrous, but quite frankly insulting – you might even say unpatriotic. If the repeal of DADT causes the military to fall apart, we’ve been spending a lot of money on a military that is so ineffective as to be not much more than a gang of well-armed thugs – not unlike the Afghan military come to think of it.

But finally, there is this. Gays have been in the military since man first raised armies to kill each other. They are there today. So if you believe gays are such a clear and present danger, please answer this:

Is a soldier any less gay because you didn’t ask and he didn’t offer to tell you?

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How a Straight Captain Bligh Ruined Morale


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
DADT - The illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL - The illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

UPDATE: McCain’s DADT Support Letter Signed By A Bunch Of Dead Guys

Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT) opponents are nothing if not persistent. For nearly 20 years they’ve held tightly to the illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

One of the chief reasons DADTers give for keeping DADT alive is that military units would dissolve into pits of undisciplined chaos with poor morale and troops running from the showers because their buddies might see their dong.  This pretzel logic seems to suggest that only straights can foster effective leadership and morale.

Well think again delusional kiddies.

The Navy recently revealed the presumably straight captain of the guided missile cruiser USS Cowpens is a modern day Captain Bligh. Capt. Holly Graf apparently belittled sailors and officers with a relish the nation hasn’t seen since Humphrey Bogart obsessed on strawberry ice cream in The Caine Mutiny.

She publicly cussed her crews. She shoved, grabbed, and spit on them. She winged a ceramic coffee mug at one officer and even put one well-respected master chief on time out like a 10-year old with more emotional maturity than she demonstrated.

Thankfully, I never served under anyone as out of control as Graf in my military career, but I did serve under some who were more dangerous to unit cohesion and morale than a brigade of lesbians or a squadron of gays. I’d dare say serving with Graf would be much more damaging to morale than serving under a gay captain who stayed professional, valued his crew, and didn’t try to thump them with a mug of java by way of saying, “Have a shitty day!”

DADTers like to remind us the military has customs and mores different than those in civilian life – and they’re right. Unit cohesion and good morale are essential to ask people to risk their lives for the folks (ironically including many DADTers) back home. However, there’s a point where civilian and military mores intersect. As Capt. Graf amply demonstrated, an asshat is an asshat whether their hat is a straight navy blue or gay lavender. The environments straights can create can be just as poisonous to morale and good military discipline as ones gays can create.

It’s not who they are sleeping with that’s the problem, it’s the fact they can be incompetent regardless of their sexual orientation.

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Don’t Ask, Tell: Repeal DADT


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
FORCED MARCH - Finally, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' advocates are being dragged, screaming and kicking, off their cavalry ponies and into the 21st century. The American public deserves a medal for putting up with this lunacy for 16 years

FORCED MARCH - Finally, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' advocates are being dragged, screaming and kicking, off their cavalry ponies and into the 21st century. The American public deserves a medal for putting up with this lunacy for 16 years.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has suggested there’s no time to debate the end of the military’s discrimination against gays because of the national backdrop of economic crisis, duo-war, and unemployment.

Curiously, I’ve never heard him complain about Congressional proposals to legislate a college sports playoff system or delaying confirmation hearings for important executive branch appointees. He didn’t appear to be pressed enough for time to forgo holidays and recess periods. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear Mitch was talking through his (ass)hat.

Yet, he’s right in one respect, we could save a lot of time… by repealing DADT now. Because of Bill Clinton’s jelly-like backbone and former Sen. Sam Nunn’s intransigence, we created the most cockamamie, stick your head in the sand abortion of a policy imaginable 16 years ago.

The premise of DADT is laughable. Essentially, the homophobes pretend there are no gays in the military while gay people in the military pretend they aren’t gay. The most common argument for this is that unit cohesion and morale would be hurt by anyone a little light in the combat boots.

What a load of crap!

gaybombGay soldiers have existed since armies first went on the march and pretending they aren’t there is self-delusional. Some homophobes argue they are afraid gays would spy on them in the shower. But only if gay soldiers said, “Hi, I’m Bruce, I’m gay, and I’m here to fantasize over your rock hard hunk of burning manhood,” first. My suspicion in these cases is that the worriers probably have a honkin’ set of man-boobs and don’t go near the showers anyway. In other words, they’re poor candidates for ogledom.

As for the unit cohesion angle, I’d suggest that soldiers who didn’t follow orders are piss poor soldiers you want to weed out anyway. An army that would allow the perceived threat of gay solders to destroy unit cohesion isn’t an army – it is a heavily armed street gang.

The US military has been through these “wrenching” changes before. Truman’s desegregation of the military was supposed to have been the ruination of our defense, yet entire units of the military didn’t fall apart over it then and don’t now. To be sure, there will be the occasional asswipe cracker-under-arms who won’t like his superior’s decisions. But, I suspect a superior officer who unnecessarily and recklessly leads his troops into a firefight wouldn’t be the belle of the ball either. The unifying principles for soldiers here is that you do as you’re ordered to the best of your ability, whether it be charging a machine gun or sharing a tent with a gay soldier.

I’m glad the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff supports striking the law down. I’m glad The Messiah has remembered his promises and gotten surgery to strengthen his spine after first swimming like a jellyfish from the debate last year. I’m glad there is growing Congressional support for tossing this inane law. But, I’m dismayed there are still Congressmen willing to argue about something that should be a no-brainer – and as a nod to Mitch’s fear of too much time being spent in debate – with a simple voice vote to which there would be no credible dissenting howls. After all, many of these people put great store in the word of commanders on the ground during the wars of Czar Chimpster the Second. Admiral Mullen’s boots on the ground should be listened to now.

Now if some brave soul, like President Care Bear or even Mitch himself, would stand up and say, “You know, gay marriage causes no direct harm to anyone, so what the hell, let’s stop posturing,” there’d be no reason to waste so much time on debating it.

Especially in the face of economic crisis, war, unemployment, and college playoff systems.

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