Michele Bachmann: Bikini or Nude?

Michele Bachmann Dry T-Shirt

THE T-SHIRT TEMPTRESS - Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minibrainesota) gets ready for the dry T-shirt contest at the 2011 Minnesota Tea Brewing and Mental Health Convention

It seems Michele Bachmann made a big splash at the Republican debates when she formally threw her hat into the ring. But, many of her supporters may have wished she’d thrown her panties in instead.

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To Beat or Not to Beat, For O’Donnell There is No Question

FREEDOM!

FREEEEEEDOMMMM! - Maturbation is as American as apple pie. On second thought, it's as American as the movie American Pie.

It’s one thing to burn a Quran. It’s another when a cracker like Glenn Beck claims to take back the civil rights movement. It’s still another to advocate exercising Second Amendment rights on your political opponents if your Cult de Tea doesn’t get its way. But this, this is a national outrage…

Delaware GOP Senate hopeful, Christine O’Donnell, is … against … (wait for it) … masturbation.

GOP Hottie

DO NOT CUM UNTO ME - Christine O'Donnell continues the GOP tradition of hot women with no brains.

It’s, “lusting in your heart,” dontcha know. The same as adultery. A mortal sin committed directly against God and whatever imaginary playmate you’re watching on your internal DVD player. You know, the same God that John Ensign, Newt Gingrich, and any number of other sinners of both parties insultingly slapped in the gob when they committed actual adultery.

I wonder if it’s masturbatory adultery if you lust after your spouse. Is it any different if you lust after your same sex partner? How about some heavy petting with that golden retriever next door? – but I digress.

Her charge must be true. Moose Mama, Sarah Palin, has endorsed O’Donnell and if there was ever a masturbation expert, it’s Moosilini. After all, back when she was just a shrill harpy of a Wasilla housewife, she had a witch doctor cast aside her demons. While he was casting out the demons, he surely must’ve gone after those impure thoughts she had about the First Dood and those hunky snowmobile racers he’s always binging home.

In a world chock full of distasteful and awful things it’s hard to imagine a world without a little pud-polishin’ or nub-rubbin’. I assume Christine’s against drinking and drugs, so that leaves one’s only relief at church – where the priests or pastors are too busy twiddling kids and church secretaries  to busy themselves with something so distracting as prayer or comfort to their fellow sinners.

And the Imams? Just forget about them. Who knows what depravity they and their honey-drunk, next-life virgins get up to?

Sarah the Dominatrix

YES MISTRESS! - Sarah the Dominatrix lookin' fine on the campaign trail with John McTheusela.

Denigrating masturbation is like burning the flag. Both are revered symbols of our nation. They even have similar Constitutional roots. The First Amendment guarantees free speech (of which flag burning has been found to be) and I can tell you from personal experience that speech flowing from the throes of lust is very free, if not a bit dirty in a boom chicka wow wow sort of way.

When will these constant threats to our personal freedoms end? It seems like O’Donnell wants to start a War on Christmas Whacking or something. All America needs are a few good death panels and some Johnson’s Baby Oil to retain our title of World’s Only Superpower. Our country’s strength is in its national groin.  A groin strong enough to stand up to the sexually repressed Taliban, those filthy gays, and those few who enjoy a little pony play Not Safe For Work from time to time.

As I write this post, I’m looking at pictures of both Christine and Sarah, trying to divine what drives their lunacy. It seems that …

“You know, that prim schoolmarm vibe they both have is kind of attractive. Hmm, I never noticed that before. Those smiles. Those sexy glasses. The snappy tight, but not too tight, clothing and the come-hither winks. They’re babes. I’d hit that in a New York minute if …”

OH CRAP! I’ve committed virtual adultery!

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