Courtney Stodden: Ain’t She America

Kim Kardashian was once asked if she knew what she was famous for. She replied, candidly and refreshingly, “I’m the girl with the big ass.” Some people might see that and lament the downfall of American civilization. I prefer to see the quintessential American story instead – parlaying nothing into a quite lucrative career. It don’t come much more entrepreneurial than that folks.

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Occupy Kim Kardashian!


People are famous for many reasons. Sometimes it’s for being noble, sometimes for bringing the funny. There are those famous for being drug-addled train wrecks (Rush Limbaugh, I’m talkin’ about you) and those using their own fat ass to fart forth opinions on how fat another person’s ass is, notwithstanding that said person’s ass is at least 3 times smaller than his own.

But sometimes people become famous for telling the truth. When asked what her greatest claim to fame was, Kim Kardashian said, “I’m the girl with the fat ass.”

Now that’s fresh and funny, yet scathingly truthful. This is a woman who knows her place in the universe. People should be praising the heavens for a woman who provides both comedic relief and a chance for the average American couch potato to feel superior to someone else for once. It’s stress relieving really. Very therapeutic.

But Kim is being made to pay for being a societal relief valve – Kim H8Rs have begun a petition to have her booted off television. I assume these are the same people who showed all the Muslim-lovers out there that Lowes is the devil and not the home of thrifty building materials.

Lowes, Home of Low Prices
The religious zealots sure showed what they were made of though. They boycotted a place willing to sell them building materials at very reasonable prices so they could spend more at Home Depot to build their annual Christmas manger – replete with a real baby and some cows. They’ve couldn’t have sheep because they butchered them for Sunday dinner.

And the butchering wasn’t halal either.

Kim is famous, or infamous, for a variety of things. Besides the big ass, she wears extension, uses too much make up, and has the biggest set of Charlies ever seen on a regular civilian. Charlies, BTW, she uses to great effect on her sex tape and in  the 6.2 million photos taken of her.

The Kardashian/Jenner clan has a tribal structure that makes the Mayans look like amoebas. At the top is stage mother Chris, the instigator of most of Kim’s stunts. Kim listens to her Stage Babby Momma and beds any random guy she can find. She knows it’s good for ratings.

Her 2 siblings come next. The cute one, Kourtney, eschews birth control to pull in the family values demographic and pumps out kids at an alarming rate – to capture the pro-life crowd. And, she does it all while trying to tame her evil hubby with a name no one remembers.

Khloe, the one people claim is a pre-op transsexual, is the relatively sane one. She clops around in hooker boots with the bobs swaying to, fro, and eventually out. But, she also gives sound advice.

“Kim stop screwing/marrying every guy you meet. Or failing that, stop video taping all of them. It’s just gross.”

“Kourt, kick your dumbass husband to the curb and for chrissakes, stop with the babies. The family already has astronomical therapy bills. ”

At the bottom of clan is Bruce Jenner. His place involves copious amounts of bad plastic surgery and being the consummate hanger-on to avoid having to deal with the reality of being a washed up athlete.

Occupy Kim!
But really, why the boycott? Yes, they can be inane and annoying at times – though I like the way mascara runs like rivers when they cry. They have that whole Tammy Faye thing going on. But what’s the harm really? Is it right to ruin the American dream for people whose only escape from reality is to watch an unreal reality show about someone who, except for the big ass, is unreal as well.

Let’s NOT boycott the advertisers, who quite frankly are only indulging in free market capitalism of the type many of this boycott’s demographic espouses. We must stop this unfair action against innocent advertisers. Like regulations, there are far too many boycotts against America’s small businesses. Small businesses like Sears, QVC, both Walmart AND Target, and something named shopbop.com (which sounds like a sort of online Whack-a-Mole store). It’s socialism by God… socialism right here in America. It’s probably because they’re Armenian… and we all know how close Armenians and Muslims are.

So I say it’s time to counter-protest and save one of America’s living treasures. Occupy Kim if you will.

God, I love this country.

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