Tag Archives: John McCain

The Return of Jack ‘The Hat’ Abramoff


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Pizza! Pizza!

THROWIN' THE DOUGH - Former lobbyist and amateur hat model, Jack 'The Hat' Abramoff is out of the hoosegow and dishing kosher pizza. There's no word yet on if, or when, he might treat those whose careers he destroyed to a nice slice of the humble pie.

Fresh off a 43-month stint as a guest at Uncle Sam’s deluxe Cumberland, MD penal colony, Jack ‘The Hat’ Abramoff has moved into a halfway house and scored a new gig at a Baltimore pizza joint.

It seems like a strange move for a former lobbyist and amateur hat model, but he’s paid his debt to society and it’s time for him to once again become a productive member of society – if you consider his former career as a lobbyist productive.

It turns out he actually has the right skill-set for the pizza biz. He’s the former owner of a swank DC eatery and devoutly Jewish, making him the perfect fit to eventually take over marketing for Tov, the kosher pizza place. After all, marketing isn’t that different from lobbying. You convince people to gobble up all sorts of tasty morsels in the hope they will grow fat and happy, come back again and again, and leave you a really good tip.

While he’s certainly no Bernie Madoff, he did do considerable damage to many people. Nineteen people, including Congressman Bob Ney (R-Stupidville) and a Dubya Deputy Secretary of the Interior, were convicted in the investigation. He was also partially responsible for some of the grief John McTheusela garnered while being all mavericky on the campaign trail and provided fodder to hammer Tom ‘The Hammer’ Delay his ownself. Even his erstwhile “clients” took a beating. Bernie Sprague of the Saginaw Chippewa tribe said Abramoff cost them millions.

“It totally destroyed our tribe,” Sprague said. “All he was worried about was Jack. Jack has to get his next big check. . . . That was the only thing on his mind.”

His stink may still linger too. Jack was BFF with Arizona Senate candidate and Tea Bagger zany J.D. Hayworth. Hayworth is known for slugging an already punch drunk John McCain during the bruising campaign and one can expect the ancient scion of what passes for Arizona politics to remind everyone of the connection.

Lobbyists come. Lobbyists go. But, the crapulent aroma of their pizza lingers on.

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Waaah! We Are Not Going to Cooperate!


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
The Repliphants Always Forget

GIVE UP! NO, YOU GIVE UP! - The Republican ideal of cooperation is to do exactly what they say, whether they win elections or not. Otherwise, don't expect help from them. It hurts their feelings when you don't genuflect.

“Waaaaah! You’re a pootiehead and I’m taking my ball and going home!”

Clearly, Republicans are in an uber-snit over health care reform and they’re spoiling for a fight through infinity and beyond (or when the Democrats leave power, whichever comes first).

As Lindsey Graham says, “The first casualty of the Democratic health care bill will be immigration reform […] that will, in my view, pretty much kill any chance of immigration reform passing the Senate this year.” In other words, he’s willing to block an issue that’s probably of more interest to Republicans than Dems – Lou Dobbs be damned.

Lindsey, if you’re looking for your nose it’s there in the gutter where it fell after cutting it off your own face.

What is This ‘Cooperation’ of Which McCain Speaks?
Famously prickly John McCain goes Lindsey one better. “There will be no cooperation [on anything] for the rest of this year. They have poisoned the well in what they’ve done and how they’ve done it.”

What’s this “cooperation” of which you speak? I must have missed it in the middle of the biggest pie fight since the Three Stooges held a bachelor party for Moe.

The Democrats, especially Obama, nearly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory with almost Bushian elan. Still, their incompetence and malfeasance is piddly in comparison to the Republiphants that always seem to forget they lost the election.

Republicans were saying no before there were even proposals on the table. Obama came into negotiations making concessions even before Congress began talking about the issue. Congress followed that up by trying to placate every crybaby who bellowed socialist without even knowing what the hell one is.

Poor Little John

WAAAAAAH! - There's nothing sader than the sight of a Republican crying because he didn't get his way.

The Party of NO and their spelling-challenged, protest sign swinging, tea-tossing kin held town halls where non-existent death panels and a host of other half-and zero-truth charges were bandied about as Limbaugh, Beck, and Hannity spewed fuel on the fire (Palin did a beauty pageant stroll in support). They refused to offer proposals of their own, claiming it wasn’t their job.

Eleventy-Billion Chances to Cooperate
Every procedural move met resistance not seen since the Tet offensive. They complained about closed-door meetings as their allegedly moderate colleagues sat in several and chewed more concessions out of Dems afraid of their own shadows. They held up debate for over a year and then complained when Dems used procedures they’ve found perfectly acceptable in the past to get the show on the road. Now, after finally losing, they vow to repeal the law and fight a guerrilla war to get it repealed.

Democrats aren’t without their blame, they stretched truths and at times needlessly angered Republicans. Moreover, you can’t say much good about Obama’s deals with Big Pharma, Big Insurance, and Big Everything. Too many Democrats demanded side deals having nothing to do with health care. And, Dems showed their jellyfish DNA long after they should have called a stop to things. The result is a flawed bill that only time will tell just how seriously.

To suggest with a straight face that Republicans cooperated when they clearly turned down eleventy-billion chances to do so is disingenuous at best and craven snotitude at worst. Saying they’re planning even more intransigence over important issues having absolutely nothing to do with health care is just smearing feces on a festering, sucking wound.

That polls show Americans don’t want health care reform at the same time the same polls say they do want each of the constituent parts is a reflection of how monumentally both sides have failed.

Everyone in this sad episode should be canned now, but that’s not an option. If both sides don’t stop this incessant whining and get on with the business of the people, there will be hell to pay. If you think the angry tea baggers are pitchfork-wielding crazies, remember you’re pushing the rest of the country to the same position.

Now STFU and get back to work before I have to stop the car and thump your dumb asses to within an inch of your lives.

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A Republican’s Fascination with Man-on-Horse Sex


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Bestiality has existed as long as humans have roamed the planet. Apparently, it’s bounced around in the heads of at least two Republican politicos too.

INTERSPECIES INVOLVEMENT? - What is the Republican fascination with bestiality? It seems to be on their minds often.

INTERSPECIES INVOLVEMENT? - What is the Republican fascination with bestiality? It seems more unhealthy than gay sex.

In 2003, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Toontown) suggested that repealing sodomy laws to decriminalize homosexual behavior would lead to “man-on-dog” sex.  His position was supported by antiabortion activist and pea brain,  Hadley Arkes who believes gay marriage will lead to “cross-species involvements.”

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Even Uneducated Republicans Do It…
To a sentient being, it would seem that jumping from decriminalizing anal or oral sex – both of which are rumored to be practiced by some heterosexuals and maybe even some Republicans – leads to getting down and dirty with the family poodle or perhaps a tet a’ tet with a Venusuvian.

Let’s flash forward from the enlightened mindset of Santorum’s 2010 B.C. thinking to today. Sen. John “McThusela” McCain is battling former Congressloon J.D. Hayworth in the Arizona primaries. Hayworth has thought long and hard – no pun intended – about gay marriage and he doesn’t like it one bit. And after all that long and hard thinking – again, no pun intended – he’s joined the Santorum bandwagon, but with a twist, man-on-horse sex.

“You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage [as] – now get this -  it defined marriage as simply, ‘the establishment of intimacy,’” as Hayworth put it.

“I don’t mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point,” Hayworth absurdly continued. “I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse. ”

An Absurd Point Made Absurdly by an Absurd Man
Aside from the fact that most states already have separate anti-sodomy and anti-bestiality laws that make the whole gay, animal loving, “intimacy” issue a moot point, his logic is “absurdly” flawless. However, he left out some other sexy shenanigans. How about people who marry inanimate objects? Or, the people who really do love their dogs or horses? Heck, what about Republicans who are up for a little man-on-man sex, without marriage and without “intimacy”? You don’t even have to go outside the party to consult a fetish expert, just ask Larry Vitter how the diapers are fitting these days.

I don’t condone bestiality. After all, it can’t be between two consenting adults because – logically – dogs and horses can’t talk. But unless some weirdo tries to stuff a 12 inch dong into a 2 inch dachshund hole, there’s little that will happen except a horse with a broken heart when the love dies.

Just once it would be nice for one of these jugheads or their half-wit “inter-species” spawn to cite actual scientific evidence that being gay makes you a dog humper, NAMBLA devotee, or serial rapist. In fact, it would be nice if they would take a break from humping Sarah Palin’s leg to explain how what gays do in the privacy of their own homes or horses do in the privacy of their barns has any effect on them and how they want to live.

Leave the bestiality claims to professionals like the SPCA or Greenpeace and for God’s sake, go back on your meds.

Like they say, just because you’re paranoid that a gay hamster fantasizes about gay sex doesn’t mean they aren’t actually fantasizing about you.

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Don’t Blame Obama, America Did It To Itself


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

In the heat of a political campaign, otherwise intelligent people s0metimes lose their common sense. Whether floating away on clouds of lofty oration or by willful disbelief of the situation before them, the country ends up with a leader who’s not the candidate supporters think or is less monumentally incompetent than their man.

Obama BusWith George Bush, voters misjudged just what a stupendous mistake he was to become. Bush came into office, depending on your opinion, via a stolen election or the thinnest of margins – either way there were a lot of people who simply held their nose and pulled the lever.

No one could accuse the ex-Mushmouth-in-Chief of being a capable orator, but he was a capable fear monger. Borne on the sanctimonious wings of his hyperbole, many Americans took off the Breathe Right™ strips and poked their chads with somewhat more conviction. However, a few years of disastrous management can change a lot. Had he been able to run again, the ass-whupping McCain got would have more than doubled for him. However, knowing what you’re not buying isn’t the same thing as thinking you know what you are buying.

Barack Obama ran a sputtering campaign during much of the overly long campaign season, finally finishing strong against the War Hero and the Rogue. The O-Man is a superb orator and his calls for hope and bipartisanship exuded a confidence the nation desperately needed after eight years of the Carbuncle- in-Chief.

Most conservatives fell in love with Sarah and loved and voted for the ex-POW, while calling Obama a liberal, socialist, or communist, depending on how deeply they were sunk in Texas hill country muck.

The Obama supporters had such stars in their eyes, they completely lost the ball. After some small dalliances with other candidates, the liberal faction of the party came around and started believing the McCain hype that he was some sort of Messiah.

A non-scientific poll around the neighborhood shows that many voted for him because he wasn’t McCain, or were scared by the Hokey Mom, or just because Obama wasn’t in any way part of the nutcase Republican party or in any way Bushian.

Today we have a President loathed by the right because he’s too liberal and a left that would like to tear him a new one after seeing serial betrayal in each of his actions.

The independents? They got someone sufficiently non-threatening. They can go back to politics via remote control, without fear they will be directly or personally affected by much of anything.

Ten percent unemployment is just another way to say 90% employment – damn good odds if you’re playing PowerBall. Continuing Bush’s dismantling of the First Amendment is just hunky dory because it involves “enemy combatants” and wiretapping someone other than them. The rest of the daily crap is just way too taxing when you’re engrossed in DWTS.

“Hey, fella. Fix that problem and make me a PB&J while you’re at it. It’s still three years to the next commercial and I don’t want to miss anything.”

Obama, flush with his surprise Nobel, gives himself a B+. Conservatives who still think he’s a liberal because they stand somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun by comparison beg to differ. And just ask Howard Dean about that B+. He’ll be a lot easier to reach now that  he won’t be campaigning for Obama again. Independents are just giving Obie an incomplete so far.

Face it, Obama is neither liberal nor conservative. He’s the chicken crossing the road, caught on the white line with the events of history bearing down on him like an out of control semi. We got here because voters simply didn’t examine the goods closely and got hornswoggled for their trouble.

In short, we did it to ourselves.

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