Tag Archives: John Boehner

Small Government: One Small Fly in the Ointment


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Small Government

A BIG LITTLE PROBLEM - Sometimes it's amazing just how big small government can be

Conservatives – especially their tea partying faction – are yelling, “Hell no! We won’t grow!” in their quest for government with a microscopic “G”. Their biggest quibble with St. Ronnie of Reagan’s government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem mantra was that he didn’t lay off the entire government (except for a staggeringly expensive, ass-kicking military…and it’s associated contractors and arms makers) and outsource everything to the states, or preferably, India by way of multinational conglomerates.

I suspect they’ll be getting a rude awakening soon. They’ll find it next to impossible to fight the strong running political tide, agree on what needs to be shed, or even agree on what small government means.

For example, arch-conservative Michele Bachmann wanted to prohibit earmarks only to find that, oops, her state wouldn’t get any money either. Suddenly her perception of pork changed in the face of angry voters who saw that Michele’s financial acumen was roughly equivalent to a high school home economics course in buying canned hams at rock bottom prices.

Solutions

SOLUTIONS - Ain't that the truth?

One man’s crumbling highway is another’s canned ham. Let those drivers give up the ham. They need to be put on the fiscally conservative South Beach Minnesota Diet. Same for those homeless people too by golly. It’ll be good for their no account goldbricking asses.

Conservatives never met a regulation they liked – unless it benefits them or is written by lobbyists. And one of the biggest government expenditures of all is creating and enforcing regulations. The baggers and Republi-Goobs are of a similar mind that only the private sector is smart enough to do anything – apparently ignoring that whole financial derivatives thing. But who’s counting.

So here’s an idea.

Regulations and regulators are a huge chunk of the budget, right? The Tax and Spend It All on Me Crowd frequently reminds us, usually in high-pitched squeaky voices, that the private sector is where smart, upstanding CEOs can do anything. They even have big paychecks to prove it.

Since the Supreme Activist Court (SACOTUS) took it upon themselves to give corporations Constitutional rights far and away more important than the rights of all individual citizens combined, it makes sense that corporations would be the very picture of responsible citizens in thanks. And smart as whips too.

So, corporations are just terrific, and honest, and thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. We know this because Cryin’ John Boehner and the boys tell us so. So, how about we just trust them to do the right thing? No need to regulate when the free market unfailingly leads companies to the path of righteousness and honor.

We’d cut thousands of regulators in a jiffy. Legislators would have absolutely nothing to do except rubber stamp appropriations bills for the War du Jour. And lobbyists? Well, they’d become pro bono advisers to a micro-government that runs as smooth as BP oil rushing out of a broken wellhead. Yeah, THAT’S the ticket!

Um, only one small fly in the ointment on that one. Forget I mentioned anything.

Related articles

Enhanced by Zemanta

Michele Bachmann Thinks Obama Has a God Problem


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Bachmann on the March

BACKWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIER - Liberté, égalité, fraternité UNDER GOD dammit...and don't you forget it!

One of the few bright spots – perhaps the only bright spot – since the Presidential elections is the absence of the annual calls for an anti-flag burning amendment or the “if you don’t wear a flag pin you’re the Anti-Christ” movement. Of course, we still have the War on Christmas, but even Bill O’Reilly’s heart doesn’t seem to be in it this year.

But take heart America, there’s always one loon with Orly Taitzian persistence who’ll never give up on the inane…Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Dumbassasota).

Big surprise, huh?

Dear God, Who Aren’t in Speeches…
This time her special crusade is that Obama doesn’t say God enough – an ‘issue’ so spectacularly stupid, even John Boehner can see it. And to compound the asshattery, her Christian sensibilities were offended by a speech in which Obama actually used the word God – four times by my count.

Go figure.

LaFemme Bachmann

MICHELE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER - Whether it's in a conservative cloth coat or a patriotic bikini, Bachmann knows she speaks for God.

Bachmann and some in the Congressional Prayer Caucus wrote a letter (.pdf file) to The Messiah™ objecting to his incorrect citing of the phrase, E pluribus unum as our national motto. Nay, nay they say, tis really In God We Trust, as if God’s name isn’t already invoked enough for the American Taliban.

Of course, they are correct. Their Christian forebearers, in 1955,  parted a sea of people who didn’t give a whit to officialize the motto and print it on money because, well, religion and money go together like stink and sh*t.

So OK, the O-Man – or more precisely his speechwriters – don’t know their ass from their motto. If Bachmann wants to criticize that, so be it, she IS correct. But isn’t Obama a bit distracted by a country going down the tubes like a hairball in a freshly plunged toilet? Shouldn’t Bachmann be just a tad worried about such things too.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Earmarklessness
Of course, there are better things for Bachmann, the Congressional Prayer Caucus, and President Careless Bear to do. For example, Bachmann’s crusade against earmarks. Apparently not aware of it herself, some people actually listened to her for once and went along. The problem was – oops – that meant she wouldn’t get any earmarks either. So, she’s decided to “redefine earmarks” in much the same way Christians redefined the national motto as In God We Trust.

Oddly, I’m actually heartened by this news. It only confirms just how goobulent she and her followers are and provides a nice comedic respite from The Party of Hell No and The Party of Pusillanimous Pussies. Clearly, Jay Leno has a thing or two to learn about writing a good comedy monologue.

Michelle, expect a letter from me soon. Your dedication to the public service of making your fellow citizens laugh their asses off in the face economic collapse and an outbreak of leaking wikis is admirable. In fact, it may be the only rock left for an unstable nation to attach itself to.

Thanks Rep. Bachmann, the people of America salute you!

Related articles

Enhanced by Zemanta

DADT and the Wall of Whoop


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Greatest Generation

THE GREATEST GENERATION - Gay soldiers and sailors served during WWII and helped defeat the original Axis of Evil.

DADT has been studied more than cancer, but the data is finally in. A vast majority of the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines said, “big whoop”. The Secretary of Defense and many senior commanders have said – as they have for quite some time – “big whoop”. And the public, which the Tea Baggers and Republicans claim gave them an overwhelmingly clear mandate to do whatever they wanted screamed, “big whoop!” The Republican caucus, a minority of military commanders, and most notably Lindsey “Rentboy” Graham and the world’s most petulant child, John McThuselah, have said, “Not so fast. There’ll be no whooping in my military.”

On this issue – come to think of it, on most issues – McCain has been a major pain in the tuchus. He whined because the 17 gazillion studies that have been done since DADT was enacted just weren’t thorough enough, if by thorough you mean agreed with him. He said he’d gladly go along with repeal once the troops on the ground said, “big whoop”. Not unexpectedly, when confronted by the troops’ Wall of Whoop, his response is, “Whaaaaaaaa! I don’t wanna!”

McCain: Formally Admiral Crybaby
How the hell did such a crybaby survive being a POW? “Wahhh! I want more gruel. Whaaaa! I’m hot, and cold, and hot. Whaaaa! You waterboarded me with a neti pot instead of a towel and bucket. What kind of enhanced interrogator are you?!”

Look, almost every military on Earth, except perhaps Pope Ratzzie’s Swiss Guard, accepts gay people. And like the old saw about masturbation (with apologies to Christine O’Donnell), those that think there are none already there are lying. So far as I know, there has never been a military failure attributable to sexual orientation unless you count drumming out qualified and critically needed translators at just the time we needed them most.

Way to fight the War of Error there Boehner Bitches.

There have been no instances of soldiers running out of the shower tent directly into the groping hands of a TSA agent because someone looked at their junk. Even little old ladies from Pasadena waited until someone took x-rays of their desiccated old vajayjays followed by the most embarrassing crotch grab in history to complain.

AAAAAHHHHH! Look, It’s a Dick
Are you saying that accidentally looking at an underwhelming, soap-lathered dick will cause a top notch military to take up arms and resist the legal orders of Congress and the President – who ought to stop pussyfooting (no pun intended) around and issue? If you do, are you not saying, “These colors never run!” but, “These colors will always run from a comrade they never even knew was gay before they were allowed to ask”? You’re not describing a world class military; you’re describing an extremely well-armed gaggle of unpatriotic, cowardly traitors.”

As a veteran, I for one am as insulted as those in uniform should be.

John Boy, Graham Cracker, Boehner Boys, Senate Leader Yertle, stop turning an issue with as much import to the country as your last 27 anti-flag burning amendments into a holy crusade that allows you to stomp your little wingtips and whine whenever the Democrats’ chiropractor accidentally finds a spine.

I believe you’ve been bragging about that massive mandate you got from the public. A public, BTW, that rates you several points below your craven Democratic colleagues and that sorry excuse for a President across the aisle. Quitcher bitchin’ and do as the vast majority of voters have commanded.

Your behavior is just so, um, gay (apologies to the LGBT community for the insult).

Related articles

Enhanced by Zemanta

The Pillsbury Newsboy and the NPR Nazis


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Roger Ailes, the Pillsbury Newsboy, hates NPR. Thinks they’re a bunch of Nazis. That’s no surprise. Most Republicans hate them. This week they hate NPR because they fired that poor, beleaguered liberal Juan Williams for admitting he’s a pusillanimous ninny who pisses his Sansabelts at the mere sight of a Muslim, just like Ailes and his stable of the Biggest Gigantic Screeching Heads.

Conservatives like Roger like to whine that NPR is single-handedly crushing conservative discourse in this nation.  Apparently Roger has very low self-esteem evidenced by the fact that his conservative gab goobs crush all his liberal competitors, including NPR, in the ratings. I guess he’s not only irrationally afraid of Muslims, but liberals too.

Whadaya Know Fanatics at Risk
Now anyone, left or right, can make the legitimate case that NPR doesn’t deserve funding. It’s not exactly like they’re as influential as say, Newscorp. They serve a narrow audience of opera lovers and Whadya Know fanatics, so it’s a safe bet the nation won’t perish without them.

Yes, times are tight and the government could use the money, but in the time Congress takes to vote on this, they’ll have spent about 10 times NPR’s annual budget. But then, that’s the sort of spectacular financial acumen they used to drive us into the dumper to begin with.

You could legitimately argue that NPR and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting shouldn’t get government funds, but you could say the same thing about our other government corporations – Amtrak and the Postal Service. But if a politician is taking donations from the direct mail lobby, they should STFU. Ditto for all the Midwestern pols who cry like babies every time Amtrak cuts back. It’s ghastly that 12 of their constituents who board trains in their state each year will surely swoon without their subsidized rail service.

And, NPR may be a government corporation, but it’s still a corporation. It has a board of directors and everything,  just like Chevron (one of their sponsors). Whatever happened to deregulation and staying out of a corporation’s business? After all, part of the reason it isn’t self-sufficient is that Congress severely limits the ways it can collect money. Come to think of it, that may be answer to high oil prices…but there I go talking like a socialist again.

Look, this country is in deep trouble whether you think Obama is a Kenyan  Kommie intent on crashing the country like an Islamic hijacker or that Boehner and Mitch are trying lurch the country back to 1879 when men were men and women were women (who MitchBo and the Boys don’t think deserve equal pay for equal work).

Slapping the Faces of Creationists
I admit it, sometimes I listen to public radio or watch public TV. There’s some interesting stuff on there and the bulk of  it has no ideological bent at all – unless you count those documentaries about animal evolution as a slap to the face of Creationists everywhere.

Even so, I could go for defunding them even if the Dems won’t. It would only offset the deficit by the amount it took me to type this sentence, but I do get that it’s importantly symbolic. I can even sympathize that it’s wrong to use public monies for purely political purposes, but so are the bucketloads of cash Republicans piss away politically preening to the great unwashed.

But if you’re going to defund them, be honest. It’s not about the money. It’s not about the librul programming. It’s not about the threat All Things Considered poses to conservatism. It’s not even about Juan Williams. It’s about being pains in the ass for the sake of being pains in the ass.

So conservatives, if you’ll cop to that, I’ll gladly picket the local NPR outlet and demand they return last year’s pledge to me.

Related articles

Enhanced by Zemanta

Randomness: Religious Crackpotery Style


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Jumping the Bear

Presented Without Comment

Religious Crackpotery

The Artsy Fartsy

Square Pegs in Round Holes

Inspector Gadget Gets a Hard-On

Listy Goodness

Those Crazy Japanese

Beware the Machines

Related articles by Zemanta

Enhanced by Zemanta