Why Do Conservatives Hate America, Er, Sex

UPDATE: GOP Calls For More Anti-Porn Enforcement… As Red States View The Most Porn

Explain why you don’t wear a flag pin on your pajamas, or that the 10 Commandments and the Bill of Rights are entirely separate documents, or why you believe Barack Obama is an American citizen to a rabid conservative and they’re likely to ask, “Why do you hate America?”

My question for them is, “Why do you hate sex?”

After all, conservative Catholics believe the celibate ringleader of the world’s largest pedophile ring when he says sex is for procreation – no fun allowed.

And that whole homo sex thing reads like swing set assembly instructions written by Siberian prison labor outsourced by Bain Capital. “Tab-ski A only fits in Slot-ski B, but never insert Tab C-ski in Slot D-ski” – so confusing.

Just exactly how does gay marriage degrade your own marriage? How does a soldier who doesn’t mention being gay and that you don’t ask about being gay become gay by being asked or telling? Perhaps you wouldn’t be so confused if you didn’t interrupt Larry Craig for an explanation while he is practicing his wide stance at Minneapolis International. I’m given to understand wide stance consummation can be very distracting.

You also like your experts in morality. Just ask David Vitter, a man who visits more prostitutes than Charlie Sheen. When you need advice on strong marriages serial adulterer Newt Gingrich will explain it all…politics made him do it.

When you’re helping that unplanned son or daughter with their biology homework ask just about any other conservative male how lady plumbing works. They really know their stuff. Michele Bachmann can help the kids get extra credit by explaining how HPV vaccine causes cancer.

Why do you feel a swell of, um, “pride” when the little woman whispers, “Oh God, oh God, oh God” while faking an orgasm? Isn’t that using the Lord’s name in vain?

Everyone knows you think sex toys are the work of the devil. So bad, you want to try owners in a court forbidding Sharia law, which ironically really cracks down on the dildo-wielding set. Still, I understand why you’re embarrassed. The 5-year old walking out during the pastor’s visit yelling, “Look Mommy, I found a rocket ship!” can be mortifying – especially when the reverend suggests that dunking you like a witch in the baptismal pool will drive the devil out.

You believe promise rings are an effective form of birth control, that kids will never discover sex unless the Obamunists expose them to sex education in school, and that pregnancy begins with a gleam in Daddy’s debauched eye…but that’s OK, because men are entitled by God to be debauched.

Finally, why are you so obsessed with everyone else’s sex life?

I hear getting laid will help with that.

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American Exceptionalism is About Agreeing to Disagree

It’s fair to say US politics has gone way past the point of partisan and well into the realm of zealotry. Ideas are often flatly rejected before being proposed. We talk proposals to death, but it never seems to be enough. Votes turn into mini wars of attrition or no-holds barred campaigns with scorched earth policies at their center. And, losers – well, everyone’s a loser, but you know what I mean – launch hissy fits, retribution, repeal, Constitutional amendment, or just flip off the entire nation.


USA, USA, USA! - American exceptionalism comes not from morality, economic power, God nor patriotism. It comes from an ability to respectfully agree to disagree.

And then, when all else fails, the entire Grinchly, toxic package gets topped with a smelly bow of name calling and just plain goofy lies and charges.

If you believe America needs health care, you hate America. If you believe America should have a smaller government, you hate America. If you belive rich people should pay more taxes, you’re a commie. If you believe that Obama is the anti-Christ, he doesn’t just hate America, he morphs into a Kenyan Kommunist who isn’t even legally President. And if you fail to demonize your elected government you’re an evil terrorist.

Complexity Makes Our Heads Hurt
We live in an age of sprawling complexity, certainly too much complexity for any mere mortal to fully understand.  And, we tack on all sorts of contingencies and nit picks, no matter how applicable, to set up certain failure. Then, in true homo sapien fashion we run away from the smoking hole in the ground with all the grace and moral fortitude of a car chase star on America’s Dumbest Criminals.

It’s OK to criticize your government. That is democracy’s essence and your right (although people who don’t vote, but criticize the loudest do sometimes chap my ass). It’s OK to disagree. Sometimes your view carries the day, other times not. That doesn’t mean the victor rolls out of bed each morning rubbing their hands, growing some horns, and singing, “What can I do to fuck up my country today,” to the tune of the Internationale.

People say Americans don’t believe in the concept of American exceptionalism. I’m not sure that’s as true as just ignoring the concept as though it isn’t even there.

America’s exceptionalism has never been its moral stance in the world or its defense of the weak against the oppressive. It was never endowed by anyone’s God nor rabid patriotism. What made America exceptional was our ability to somehow recognize our differences, make decisions, and then move on. Unlike many countries, we were exceptional because we could eventually unify and not devolve into a stinking swamp of eternal misery as every faction except the common citizen spent decades trying to jerk everyone to their side.

Even Morons Get Good Ideas
No matter how big a moron is they’ll occasionally have a good idea. There’s no value arguing against a good idea solely because it came from someone you think is a moron. The value is to recognize the idea for what it is and pat the moron on the back with a word of thanks for actually doing something besides prattling on about how the moron may have denigrated your ideas in the past.

If you criticize an idea with particular vitriol and your opponent reminds you of it, don’t try to defend yourself by saying, “you guys did it first”. And, don’t change the subject by parsing every little nuance in your language. People will see that for what it is…crapweaseltry.

It’s OK to answer a charge that your opinion is one-sided with a reminder that it is an opinion (whether supported by facts or not). You’re not obliged to answer every idea with a corresponding counterbalance – though it’s nice when you can acknowledge it. But, regardless of your opinion of them or their idea, always treat them personally with respect.

Sometimes the best anyone can do is to agree to disagree and let it go at that.

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