Tag Archives: Glenn Beck

Conservatives, What the Heck is Wrong With You?


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Once upon a time, a day with earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns, government shutdowns, and wars sprouting like deadly nightshade would’ve been unthinkable. Today, it’s just another hum-drum, dog-bites-man day. That’s a whole lot of chaos and change going on and many of us react more profoundly to it.

Researchers at the College of London say conservatives and liberals have physically different brain structures and it’s not the first study to reach similar conclusions. Perhaps this is the reason – in a government designed around healthy debate – the two sides can’t agree on whether that smoke they see is from a damaged nuclear facility, greenhouse gasses, or fat CEO bonuses. Moderates just scream, “DO SOMETHING!” on commercial breaks during Dancing with the Stars – couch potato government by TV remote at its best.

Despite my usual rabidly left-wing screeds, my responses are generally calmer and more conciliatory in comments. I hunger for a day when I can express my opinion without being called a communist traitor, even though the traitor label is now worn like a Tea Bagger lapel pin among the conservative set. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, but on the whole everyone gets dumped on.

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How Many Secularists and Non-Secularists Can Dance on the Head of a Pin?


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Poobah Self Disclosure: I’m an atheist. You may be a Christian…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

America is an unhappy place these days. Opposing forces not only bludgeon each other bloody, but as Mitch McConnell recently announced, they make it a political priority to wipe out their opposition like Genghis Kahn scorching the earth of the steppes. Nowhere is this fighting as pointless and picayunish as in the Secular v. Non Secular Death Cage Match.

As a rule of thumb Republicans are the logical home of the stupidly religiously zealous. Folks like the Family Research Council, Glenn Beck, and loopy Michele Bachmann trumpet vuvuzela the superiority of the God-ed while practicing the most shockingly unchristian behavior against the ungod-ed. Even their captive audience of soft-headed, opportunistic political drones have trouble with them – especially when they stop donating money and votes.

The religious zealots have a huge David and Goliath thing going on. “Dear God, give me a slingshot and guide mine rock into the eye of my Godless oppressors, the libruls.”

But fundamentalists have no lock on the asshat zealot market. Stop by a Jesus Freakery and read the comments. Go to a Atheisterie and the words seem plagiarized from the same source, “You’re a know-nothing asshole who’s a traitor intent on wiping out what crumbs of democracy we still have left.”

And one more similarity. Almost all the over the top bloviation mentions how much anyone who disagrees is some sort of hate-filled, brainless zot – as though we’re all Little Georgie Shrubs.

Most Christians are reasonably sane and the same goes for the secular crowd. All the reasonable ask is a bit of wiggle room because they’re entitled to it. They want to go to church (or not), put up the occasional Christmas Holiday tree (or not), and be safe from the incessant yawping of people who would staple the 10 commandments to everyone’s forehead or consign religious gatherings to a dank cellar with the lights turned out – sort of an ecumenical Gitmo.

But out there on the dark edge of Firebase Freedom lurk nuts to the left of us and nuts to the right of us, as unreasonably pissed about the, “In God We Trust” motto as they are by the, “Christians über alles and the hell with anyone else” brigade.

The balance between freedom of religion and freedom from religion is delicate and a very narrow gap. One person’s “absolute” freedom is another’s horrible shackle.

As with all Constitutional rights, we don’t get to vote on them or change them at will to suit our fancy. However, there’s nothing wrong with a legitimate argument about where the line lays. But, meanness for the sake of meanness is meaningless, rude, and counter-productive.

So everyone, let’s kiss and make up so we can go back to something important, like hating Congress and the President.

You know, something useful.

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Arizona Church Dome: Why Hate When You Can Outsource?


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah

Not so long ago, much of the nation looked at Texas as the Loon Star State – a place so weird that  Texans think of Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity as dangerous far lefties in league with that socialist Kenyan pretender in the White House.

But, every Empire of Imbeciles must come to an end.

Outsourcing for Freedom

DOMEHEADS UNITE! - "Don't worry, we're really Christians under contract to the international Islamist cabal!"

America, meet the new goobs on the block – Arizonans. As Hunter Thompson used to say, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro”…and there’s no place more professional than Arizona.

It surely takes professional crazies to protest a Christian church because it looks too much like a mosque. Damn Mexican Mooslims!

Broken Light of the World
The point of contention for the good Christian folk of Phoenix seems to be that the Light of the World church topped their God garage with a dome. To Arizonans, domes are the illegal aliens of the religious world. Presumably the many Catholic missions doting the cactusophere are equally condemned for featuring domes in their designs too, but somehow I doubt that.

Tonya Somander of Think Progress asked, “…with so many high-profile figures selling unfounded, anti-Muslim fear to the public, is it any wonder that all many Americans can see in Islam is a phantom menace?”  Well Tonya, no, but it does make perfect sense in Arizona. They’re so jelly-kneed they don’t even have to have real Muslims to hate. All they need is a bold, but unsuspecting, church architect and some followers of the same faith most of them adhere to.

It’s odd that Christians – who are somewhere between 75 and 85 percent of the American population – are always worrying about atheists and Muslims trying to kill Christendom with a combination of dastardly Wars on Christmas and autographed baseball cards featuring Madalyn Murray O’Hair. This is especially true in Arizona where there are fewer Muslims than black people -  currently numbering about 6 people who must carry their papers at all times. But, there’s not a racist in Arizona, so who’s counting?

However, maybe this does make sense. Clearly there are too few actual Muslims in Arizona to absorb all the fear Arizonans have for those tricky Islamists. It’s hard to get worked up over a bunch of New Yorkers who prefer titty bars to houses of worship in Lower Manhattan. After all, the titty baristas don’t get too exercised over Mexicans leaving piles of dead bodies at the Tuscon city limits, now do they?

A state as proud as The Grand Canyon Crackpot State must have it’s own Muslims to persecute. Period. Doing it vicariously through castoffs from Jersey Shore is just no fun at all.

So why not outsource Islamic fear?

It’s a Win-Win for Arizona
Arizona already has a surplus of Christians on hand. They represent a trained workforce that could easily make the transition from law abiding Jeezlets to evil burka wearers with little trouble. They have the religious training. Christian churches always need money to Save the Children in all those countries they’d never be caught dead in. It’s a win-win and best of all, Americans could corner the market on faux Muslims before the Indians or Chinese could get a foothold.

So it’s settled. Light of the Worlders, stop by Home Depot and hire a few illegal immigrants to get that dome up as fast as possible. Maybe even add a minaret here and there, nothing too ostentatious. And you can find someone who yodels to simulate the calls to prayer can’t you?

As for pay, $2 an hours seems fair – and no benefits, because they’re a socialist plot. We’d like to pay more, but we just can’t pay minimum wage because, well, we could get the Mexicans to work cheaper and we don’t want to create a monetary imbalance in the Arizona economy. There’s no way strings of varnished chillies could make up the shortfall.

Muslims, our people will call your people. We’d like to talk outsourcing Christians to Yemen.

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Teabonics: The New Official Language of the Tea Party


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Official Language

NO SPEAKA DE ENKLITCH more >>

Among the many ideas visited on the country during the post-Bush Age – 6,000 years ago when dinosaurs roamed an Earth exclusively populated by white Christians – is the notion that the far-right has a disdain for most things intellectual.

To them, science is practiced solely by the Godless heathen of the intellectual effete. History is dangerous socialist mind control that depends on actual facts. And  math? They believe the country can be run for free – no taxes, no services, it’s as easy as turning everything off – except, of course, anything they like which must always be financed by taking away the services used by someone else…unless they’re wealthy.

If ignorance is the breeding ground of fear, the ignorati are pissing a river in their communal pants. Mexicans are trying to retake Texas! Them damn Mooslims is everywhere! There’s a commie in the White House and he’s a goddamn Kenyan! Those damn scientists is refudiating the idea that air pollution, asbestos, and tobacco smoke are the three essential components of life! It’s a damn good thing the civic-minded are still driving Hummers to make up for the damage treehuggers cause.

Teabonics

You say English, I say teabonics, let's call the whole thing off.

Tucked in among all those fears is the fear that English is going to disappear from the face of the Earth, despite its position as the lingua franca for the international House of Babel. English must be saved, ironically, through government intervention presumably conducted via the small, unfunded government they’re always prattling on about. It’s an idea patterned after the Academie Francais – something most of them have never heard of because internationalism is a plot…in this case, a French plot, damn their Freedom Fry hating ways!

This summer was a barrel of political laughs. Who could forget Glenn Beck reclaiming the civil rights movement or the witch lady who never rubs one out when she’s stressed! Ah ha ha ha ha! Yeah, good times! But perhaps the biggest comedic relief came from the many signs proudly held up by Tea Baggers (er, Tea Partiers, they’re as offended at that name as Dub is offended by Kanye West).

A quick glance at those signs shows the dominance of the intellectual prowess that is the far right’s brain. They’ve invented an entirely new English language spoken only by the in crowd. It will triumph over all those bastardized languages like Mexican, Ebonics, and Spanglish. Morans, muslins, and terorits are more than simple misspelled words, they’re the vanguard of a new Anglo-Esperanto creation…

Teabonics.

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Small Government: When 307,999,999 People Can’t Agree


Posted by Omnipotent Poobah
Protesters

ALL FOR ONE AND NONE FOR ALL - Everybody wants smaller government, but only if it gets smaller at someone else's expense.

A funny thing is happening on the way to the ballot box. Voters of all stripes decry the excesses of big government. The reflexive complaint from both ends of the political spectrum, although voiced most loudly by conservatives and tea drinkers, is that big government is inherently bad, a foregone conclusion needing no evidence for proof. It’s a lot like religion that way. “I believe in God, so therefore there must be a God.” “I believe big government is evil, so therefore it must be true.”

It’s curious that the louder the screams about government size, the fewer practical suggestions the screamers give regarding how to make it smaller. There’s the all or nothing crowd – the government shouldn’t do anything but maintain an army. Or, the “limited” governmental types who want to lop off entire government departments, like the Department of Education, Federal Reserve, or Department of Homeland (In)Security. But, there’s precious little in the way of a platform to explain how we’ll reach this government nirvana.

Saying No is Fun
You might expect voters wouldn’t clamor for details. After all, it’s great fun to go watch Glenn Beck scream political science screeds or wave protest signs or accuse people of being anti-Christ socialists. It’s also great to campaign and hear the yelps of Grizzly Mommas in full-throated rapture about how wonderful you are. But the day in and day out grind of actually governing or even setting goals … not so much. In other words, the universal Republican “plan” for everything – “NO” – gives voters, candidates, and sitting politicians the chance to be righteous without the responsibilities of righteousness.

Come to think of it, that’s a little like some religious folks too.

There are roughly 308 million citizens in the US. That means there are at least 308 million opinions on how to reduce the government. Farmers kind of like crop subsidies, especially if their name is Farmer ConAgra. Some people are really behind “drill baby, drill”, without the inconvenient fact that without government regulation, a well might one day pop up in their backyard.

“Take that you NIMBY bastards!”

The “local levelites” don’t want an Islamic center in Manhattan, but are unwilling to accept the decisions of the local planning commission. And Reaganites complain, for example that transportation decisions be made on a state-by-state basis. However, they don’t seem to realize that building a road is building a road whether Uncle Sam funds it or your state increases taxes to offset the downsizing of Federal tax dollars. And, the private enterprisers would be the loudest to complain if RoadCo ran the highways and every country lane and freeway in their state started charging tolls.

Immutable Laws of Government
Americans need to understand a few immutable laws of government and human nature. First, nobody wants a bigger government. Second, everybody wants a smaller government so long as it gets smaller at someone else’s expense. Third, everyone wants the government to work. And fourth, those elected will become “inside” professional politicians as soon as they take their hand off the swearing-in Bible. They will be in your business for good and ill from then on as a result. This is especially true if you want the government to decide who gets married, who serves in the armed forces, who gets government assistance, and dozens of other meat and potatoes governmental decisions that must be made to support your idea of how smaller government should stay out of your life.

American individualism is a great strength. It’s the engine that drove the idea of American exceptionalism in the last century. But, when individualists forget there’s such a thing as shared goals and common needs that strength becomes a drag on the country.

Especially when you and the other 307,999,999 of us can’t agree on just what small government means.

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