THOU SHALT NOT BE STUPID – The Bible of Common Sense sez, “Know what you’re doing before you do it.”
Colin Powell warned the Bush administration about their twin Wars of Error with the Pottery Barn Rule – “You break it, you buy it.” Unfortunately, the Bush and Obama administrations chose long term leases with options to wreck the US economy.
TWO BOMB HANGOVER - He's not going to go easily, but should we be the ones to try to make him?
In the midst of the crapstorm that has become life in these United States, I sometimes feel as if I’ve slipped into a parallel dimension populated exclusively by tea partiers, Glen Beck clones, Sarah Palin stand up comedians, and our reigning dizzy queen Michele Bachmann. That’s why when I agreed with one of her statements, I headed straight for the antipsychotics.
Please God, don’t let me die a “dittohead”!
The Maybe I’ll Certainly Run for President in 2012 Unless I Change My Mind Before Deciding to Redecide Again candidate laid into The Messiah™ for leading his uncoalesced coalition into Libya. Not surprisingly she’s against it, though I’m confident she would’ve been for it if Obama had decided against intervention. But this this time? I agree with her.
Doin’ the Tripoli Tango
Obama made a mistake in entering the fray. Michele and I agree there seems to be little compelling strategic US interest involved. As for the humanitarianism angle, there are places that DO involve strategic US interests AND plenty of poor wretches being ground under the jackboots of a dozen Col. Loony Toons and DickTaters. We aren’t feeling particularly humanitarian there, so WTF? The US simply cannot be the world’s cop. There’s an infinite supply of bad people and you can’t wipe them all out without weakening yourself. Even Bush the Lesser understood that, though he sometimes didn’t act that way.
I think Michele’s a little weak on the whole “al Qaeda” is afoot angle and by referring to the fiasco in the making as the “Obama Doctrine” she’s ignoring the fact that one decision does not a full doctrine make. These decisions should and are based on the conditions at the moment, whether they’re good or bad.
Now, we’re seeing the ghosts of neo-conservatism on Obama. He’s apparently signed a “secret order” authorizing covert support for the Libyan rebels. We’re slow learners about this whole, “let’s have a big freedom party and call all the poor kids over for punch, cookies, and purple thumb votes” thing. See Exhibits A (Iraq), B (Afghanistan), C-Z (dozens of other places where we’ve intervened to no great or lasting effect).
No one was more surprised than I was when Barack Obama received the Nobel Prize shortly after taking office. After all, he hadn’t had a chance to do much of anything yet and I’m not sure a few months of grappling with the large bag of burning dog poo left on his doorstep qualified him to be the bringer of world peace.
I Am Curious Not George
I thought then, as I do now, that Obama got the nod not so much for advancing peace as he did for not being George Bush. An honor for not being someone else isn’t much of a prize. Still, I thought it odd, but not troubling.
Although the Messiah-in-Chief donated the $1.4 million prize to charity, I would have preferred he politely decline it on the grounds he hadn’t done much peacifying yet. I think that would’ve been the classier move, but it was what it was and even John McThuselah supported the award.
Now Bolivian President Evo Morales and the Vice Chairman of Russia’s Duma, Vladimir Zhirinovsky, are agitating to take it away for attacking Libya. Being the great advocates of human rights they are certainly qualifies them to pass judgment – at least they think so.
Indian-giving peace prizes is petty, stupid, and more image destroying than awarding the prize to someone ill deserving it in the first place. That even goes for George McMakepeace Bush even in the highly unlikely event he had won it – or, if Newt Gingrich wins it after President Carebear shuffles off his mortal throne.
If this issue – and I use that term loosely – goes according to the usual form, a thousand nattering nabobs will rise up and feel obliged to make this into a latter-day flag pin drama. The only thing more surprising than Obama winning the award would be if the Republicans didn’t propose a Constitutional amendment disallowing Muslim Kenyans from becoming President. Maybe Sarah Palin will make a stern statement like, “That Russian guy Moldevort, thinks Nobama didn’t deserve it, and he’s a lamestream COMMIE. Didja know I can see Russia from my front porch? (Psst, I’m REALLY running for President. I just make a lot of money giving speeches saying I’m not.) You betcha…wink…wink. I’m a maverick rogue.”
There, I’ve said my peace so go ahead and say yours.
Just do it quickly please. We’re going to hell in a hand basket whether he deserved the award or not.
J'ACCUSE! - A spontaneous demostration took place in Beebe, AR Sunday as Arkansas Game and Fish Commission officials named Barack Obama as the major cause of a huge fish and bird kill along the banks of the Arkansas River.
Beebe, AR – Arkansas game officials have announced that President Barack Obama has been implicated in the deaths of 4,000-5,000 birds – mostly blackbirds – and approximately 83,000 drum fish along a 20-mile stretch of the Arkansas River over the New Year holiday.
Billy Bob Hatfield, chairman of the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission, said toxicology tests have found no evidence of poisoning and necropsies that began on Monday have so far revealed no scientific explanation. Officials have also considered – but ruled out – fear of noise from thunderstorms and New Year’s fireworks and midair collisions between the birds. “With both fish and bird kills, it’s clear it wasn’t the noise or poison. And there were blackbird air traffic controllers on duty when the incident took place,” Hatfield said.
The commission settled on the Obama theory after a thorough search of the Holy Bible. “We prayed and the good Lord led us to a passage that says, “A man of dark color shall arrive in your country from Kenya and try to convert you to socialism,” said the chaplain for the Commission, Bob Billy McCoy.
Obama is the Anti-Christ
“We figured that since Obama has been conclusively proven to be a Kenyan and the anti-christ it must be his fault. “When we compared his color to the description of a ‘man of dark color’ found in the scriptures, it proved he was the true culprit,” McCoy said. “Then there’s that whole blackbird thing. Black man? Blackbird? That’s a coincidence? I think not.”
Some Republican officials and televangelist Pat Robertson have added “corroborating evidence” proving the initial trigger for the wildlife disaster was Obama repealing the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.
“There were thousands of gays swimming upstream of the fish kills in the Arkansas River. Some of the fish were sodomized by those secular homosexual humanists and swam upstream infected with AIDS,” Robertson said. “A dead fish washed ashore in the river and a bit of carcass from the fish was eaten by a blackbird who, in turn, infected the rest of his bird herd.”
“Gosh darn it. There can be no other explanation. God came to me in a vision I had during a nice veal scallopini dinner and told me it was so,” Robertson said.
Former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin also weighed in on the subject via a Twitter message. “Yeah, ditto what Reverend Robertson said. BTW I’m not running for President in 2012, I just play like it on TV. I’m a rogue, God bless America.”
Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe (D) – no relation to the town – cautioned citizens to not consider this a final cause for the incident. “As a Democrat, I will work in a completely bipartisan manner with my Republican colleagues to investigate this matter,” Beebe said.
Too Late for Bipartisanship
However, the Governor may be too late in his calls for bipartisanship. Incoming Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, California Republican Darrell Issa, is already adding an investigation to his lengthening list of issues the committee will take on.
“I’m currently asking lobbyists – including those representing the blackbird and drum fish lobby and the Texas Board of Education – to rewrite new rules and textbooks loosening the stranglehold the Sierra Club and those other nature nuts have on good old American business,” Issa said.
“We’ve already found direct evidence that Barack Obama is a pedophile through his connection to National Public Radio. I’m sure my committee will find him guilty, especially since he isn’t a US citizen. I’m already working with my pastor to fashion an extradition agreement with the Kingdom of God if one is needed,” Issa Said.
“All I know is that under George W. Bush’s administration we had 10 straight years without a wildlife kill. Now, with two years of the Obama administration’s mismanagement, we’ve had socialist health care, oil rig explosions, and the mass die offs of thousands of birds and fish,” Issa said. “Republicans will prove they are the party of God by becoming strong advocates for ecological conservation – as long as it doesn’t involve oil companies, coal companies, or mining interests. ”
“I don’t know why Obama hates America,” he added.
NO SPEAKA DE ENKLITCH more >>
Among the many ideas visited on the country during the post-Bush Age – 6,000 years ago when dinosaurs roamed an Earth exclusively populated by white Christians – is the notion that the far-right has a disdain for most things intellectual.
To them, science is practiced solely by the Godless heathen of the intellectual effete. History is dangerous socialist mind control that depends on actual facts. And math? They believe the country can be run for free – no taxes, no services, it’s as easy as turning everything off – except, of course, anything they like which must always be financed by taking away the services used by someone else…unless they’re wealthy.
If ignorance is the breeding ground of fear, the ignorati are pissing a river in their communal pants. Mexicans are trying to retake Texas! Them damn Mooslims is everywhere! There’s a commie in the White House and he’s a goddamn Kenyan! Those damn scientists is refudiating the idea that air pollution, asbestos, and tobacco smoke are the three essential components of life! It’s a damn good thing the civic-minded are still driving Hummers to make up for the damage treehuggers cause.
You say English, I say teabonics, let's call the whole thing off.
Tucked in among all those fears is the fear that English is going to disappear from the face of the Earth, despite its position as the lingua franca for the international House of Babel. English must be saved, ironically, through government intervention presumably conducted via the small, unfunded government they’re always prattling on about. It’s an idea patterned after the Academie Francais – something most of them have never heard of because internationalism is a plot…in this case, a French plot, damn their Freedom Fry hating ways!
This summer was a barrel of political laughs. Who could forget Glenn Beck reclaiming the civil rights movement or the witch lady who never rubs one out when she’s stressed! Ah ha ha ha ha! Yeah, good times! But perhaps the biggest comedic relief came from the many signs proudly held up by Tea Baggers (er, Tea Partiers, they’re as offended at that name as Dub is offended by Kanye West).
A quick glance at those signs shows the dominance of the intellectual prowess that is the far right’s brain. They’ve invented an entirely new English language spoken only by the in crowd. It will triumph over all those bastardized languages like Mexican, Ebonics, and Spanglish. Morans, muslins, and terorits are more than simple misspelled words, they’re the vanguard of a new Anglo-Esperanto creation…
