RUN YOGI! RUN BOO BOO! - You guys seem a little light in the pic-i-nic baskets, so run. Bryan Fischer wants you for a rug in the He-Man Homo-Haters Clubhouse.

Everyone knows The Gays are the root of all evil because the Bible tells us so. God compels Westboro Baptist Church to picket funerals that have nothing to do with gayosity. In California, God commanded a DMV clerk to access private records to mail anti-gay literature to a transgendered citizen. And Bryan Fischer, the American Family Association’s head of issues analysis ties Bradley Manning – the soldier who may be responsible for the world’s largest leak of wikis – to smite-worthy gaydom.

Of course Fischer’s take is nothing unusual. In the past, he’s equated gay sex with domestic terrorism (apparently foreign terrorists are only heathen Muslims, but never gay ones), called for the euthanization of grizzly bears, and advocated criminalization of homo sex with mandatory reparative therapy and if that fails, execution.

Way to hate the sin, love the sinner there Bry.

It’s not that it’s scary this ass cake says such loathsome and offensive things, it’s that many people actually side with the nut. It’s not that conservative politicians sometimes support him, but that their Prop. 8 marriages of convenience tie them to the crackpot thereby forcing independents and more liberal Republicans to either desert the party or go along for the sake of the party and enable a swing farther toward the lunatic fringe and away from common sense conservative ideals.

It’s tempting to say Christians who think he’s a crapweasel denounce him, just as Christians think Muslims should denounce their crackpots too.  Just writing off the addle-brained ninny is tempting too. After all, he calls enough attention to his bigotry without any help, regularly reminding the rest of the public just what a  jughead he is. But, it is tempting to hunt the bastard and his ilk down and give them a taste of their own savage medicine.

However, the rest of us are sentient beings who’d never dream of doing unto others what Fischer does to them.

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DO UNTO OTHERS - If the anti-gay zealots don't like the Constitution perhaps they should read the Bible.

People usually remember the 1960s as a time of great strife over civil rights. If you were alive back in the day, the images of police dogs ripping into lines of civil rights marchers or white-sheeted thugs dancing around a burning cross is still a chilling thing and proof that America was indeed going through wrenching social change.

Many would also like to believe that the country has made great strides in the interim, and we have. But, there’s more to accomplish and the nation now finds itself spending much of its energy on fighting to simply hold onto the advances already made. Civil rights advancement is now threatened by organizations and morally dishonest politicians bent on carrying us back to 1864.

Yesterday’s decision to strike down California’s Prop 8 anti-gay marriage law was sound. The judge did an impressive job of listing all the factual and legal reasons – 80 in all – showing that the law is unconstitutional. An improvement to celebrate, but also an event that highlights anti-civil rights crudaders’ thinking.

Tim Wildmon of the sarcastically named American Family Association reacted with shocking vitriol, calling the court’s decision, “a tyrannical, abusive and utterly unconstitutional display of judicial arrogance.”

Wildmon Is Has a Queer Notion
Wildmon believes one of the principles at stake is ignoring the California voters, which he sees as unconstitutional. In doing so, Wildmon – who uses the 10th Amendment as a fig leaf himself – introduces the queer notion that the Constitution is up for a vote whenever you don’t like what it says.

LIZA WITH A 'Z' - What more need be said?

Similar to the rabble rousing for amending the 14th Amendment in the immigration battle, what Wildmon is proposing is that the Constitution – designed to be difficult to amend – should change to bend to the will of the latest ideological blowhard to come on the scene.

Mr. Wildmon, I ask you…if Californians voted to outlaw heterosexual marriage would you express the same fondness to the validity of their vote?

Wildmon also believes the “tyrannical and abusive”, Bush-the-Elder-appointed, judge should have recused himself from the case.

“It’s also extremely problematic that Judge Walker is a practicing homosexual himself, ” Wildmon said. “He should have recused himself from this case, because his judgment is clearly compromised by his own sexual proclivity.”

What I find “problematic” about Wildmon’s charge is that he is exhibiting his  own “proclivity” to act as a heterosexual, homophobic, quasi-religious leader. In other words – or more correctly Wildmon’s – “[Wildmon] should have recused himself from this case, because his judgment is clearly compromised by his own sexual [and religious] proclivity.”

I suspect the only judge Wildmon would find acceptable is an ordained Christian minister with a demonstrated track record of ignoring the Constitution in favor of a Christian Sharia-like theocracy – or a teabagger – whichever pinhead stepped forward first.

Americans are becoming increasingly unfamiliar with the basic tennents of the Constitution.They apparently believe that any hot head’s cause can simply be enacted by a simple vote. The Constitution is not the “McConstitution”. You can’t vote cheeseburgers off the menu because you don’t like them.

They believe that if there is a “war” on, the President, under no one’s authority other than his own, is permitted to suspend the Constitution’s guarantees against warrantless search or to hold prisoners indefinitely without charge.

Many Americans believe that the Constitution guarantees them freedom of religion, but also support depriving anyone other than Christians (they’re aren’t too hot on the Catholics either) of their similar freedom. Don’t like mosques too close to your shrine? Protest and file suit as Pat Robertson’s minions have done, but don’t be honest enough to mention that if it had been a Christian church you would’ve been praising the idea like it came from, well, God.

From Constitutional Ignorance, Instability Flows
From Constitutional ignorance, great instability flows. Unfortunately, those with such beliefs fail to see the unintended blow back from their muddled position.

Teabaggers and their similar-thinking ilk, like to wear tri-cornered hats and screech about keeping Big Gummint off their backs. If allowing someone to marry the person of their choosing is too much government involvement, then why isn’t government being on a gay person’s back equally bad?

Bush the Lesser did much to chip away at many civil rights during his reign and in areas like the conduct of our misbegotten wars and gay rights,  The Messiah™ continues walking the same swampy path.

One day, the blow back from their actions will come to haunt them and the people who cheered them. One day an administration will take office that isn’t so tolerant of their cavalier positions and decides to warrantlessly tap their phones, close their churches, or collect deep background on twerps like Wildmon.

And when they do, they’ll claim the same Constitutional protections because they changed the Constitution to allow it.

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SMITE THEM GOD, SMITE THEM - Westboro's God Hates Fags campaign is an embarrassment to humanity. Yet they have the right to make idiots of themselves...even if we do want to smack them down.

There are few things as repugnant as Westboro Baptist’s “God Hates Fags” screeds at military funerals. It’s an understandable impulse to want to thump these yahoos to within an inch of their putrid lives, but if you do, expect to do some time in the pokey. Free speech is allowed, violence isn’t.

The Supreme Court will soon hear the question of whether free speech protections cover Westboro’s lunatic fringing. It’ll be interesting to see how it goes.

Cases like this pose a constitutional dilemma. For the most part – save the whole “shouting fire in a crowded theatre” question – I favor letting people say what they want. Free speech doesn’t mean free to anyone I don’t think is stupid, rude, or just plain wrong. It means free…for everyone…even if they are ignorant pootieheads.

Defending the Rights of the Asshatted
I recently defended the right of gay rights opponents to say what they want and received some not unexpected fallout for my trouble. Several commenters took a zero-tolerance line – they said it’s never OK to oppose anything as important as gay rights…period. However, you could just as easily turn that around to say it’s never OK for Republicans to speak either. No matter how much I fantasize about stopping their unending, infernal chants of NO it would be clearly unconstitutional and just plain wrong. The offense in Westboro’s case owes a lot to where you and your opponents stand.

The Constitution presupposes there is someone on either side who is rational and feels as strongly about others’ rights as they do their own. It assumes these people will speak and not poke each other in the nose. It assumes that words don’t cause permanent damage regardless of how insulting and wrong you may feel they are.

But cases like the Westboro Association of Pinheads’ picketing the funerals of innocent, grieving bystanders who have nothing to do with their “issue” seems to go a step farther. Is this the point where the right of grieving families and friends should be protected from a group if nimrods who have no respect for others? After all, my general rule is that exercising your right is OK as long as you don’t impinge on someone else’s right to exercise theirs. Not respecting their rights takes you one step closer to their values, not farther away.

GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING? - God needs a better PR person on Earth. Fred Phelps and his ilk are damaging God's brand.

The Slippery Slope
My first impulse is to squash them like the vermin they are. However, in the back of my mind I keep hearing a constitutional voice whispering that depriving Westboro of their idiotic fun may be the first in a series of slip slides down a mucky slope.

Who gets to make these decisions? What are the criteria? How much does asshatery cost per pound when compared with the cost of individual freedom? It’s too simple to just say STFU and be done with it. As clear-cut as it may appear, it’s anything but.

As with many issues, there isn’t a good black and white answer and I don’t profess to have one. At the end of the day, the Supremes will make a decision. In all likelihood, Congress will pass more legislation and the Supremes will have to retest the new version of Constitutional right and wrong. No doubt, this question will come back up repeatedly, if for no other reason than the Westboro loons are unlikely to stop until their God snatches up the last of them and casts them into a lake of fire. This is the juncture between the letter of the law and its common sense application.

The whole sordid affair makes me long to go back to my original thought and thump the stupid bastards to within an inch of their crapulent lives.

But that’s not Constitutional either.

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DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL - The illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

UPDATE: McCain’s DADT Support Letter Signed By A Bunch Of Dead Guys

Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT) opponents are nothing if not persistent. For nearly 20 years they’ve held tightly to the illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

One of the chief reasons DADTers give for keeping DADT alive is that military units would dissolve into pits of undisciplined chaos with poor morale and troops running from the showers because their buddies might see their dong.  This pretzel logic seems to suggest that only straights can foster effective leadership and morale.

Well think again delusional kiddies.

The Navy recently revealed the presumably straight captain of the guided missile cruiser USS Cowpens is a modern day Captain Bligh. Capt. Holly Graf apparently belittled sailors and officers with a relish the nation hasn’t seen since Humphrey Bogart obsessed on strawberry ice cream in The Caine Mutiny.

She publicly cussed her crews. She shoved, grabbed, and spit on them. She winged a ceramic coffee mug at one officer and even put one well-respected master chief on time out like a 10-year old with more emotional maturity than she demonstrated.

Thankfully, I never served under anyone as out of control as Graf in my military career, but I did serve under some who were more dangerous to unit cohesion and morale than a brigade of lesbians or a squadron of gays. I’d dare say serving with Graf would be much more damaging to morale than serving under a gay captain who stayed professional, valued his crew, and didn’t try to thump them with a mug of java by way of saying, “Have a shitty day!”

DADTers like to remind us the military has customs and mores different than those in civilian life – and they’re right. Unit cohesion and good morale are essential to ask people to risk their lives for the folks (ironically including many DADTers) back home. However, there’s a point where civilian and military mores intersect. As Capt. Graf amply demonstrated, an asshat is an asshat whether their hat is a straight navy blue or gay lavender. The environments straights can create can be just as poisonous to morale and good military discipline as ones gays can create.

It’s not who they are sleeping with that’s the problem, it’s the fact they can be incompetent regardless of their sexual orientation.

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FORCED MARCH - Finally, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' advocates are being dragged, screaming and kicking, off their cavalry ponies and into the 21st century. The American public deserves a medal for putting up with this lunacy for 16 years.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has suggested there’s no time to debate the end of the military’s discrimination against gays because of the national backdrop of economic crisis, duo-war, and unemployment.

Curiously, I’ve never heard him complain about Congressional proposals to legislate a college sports playoff system or delaying confirmation hearings for important executive branch appointees. He didn’t appear to be pressed enough for time to forgo holidays and recess periods. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear Mitch was talking through his (ass)hat.

Yet, he’s right in one respect, we could save a lot of time… by repealing DADT now. Because of Bill Clinton’s jelly-like backbone and former Sen. Sam Nunn’s intransigence, we created the most cockamamie, stick your head in the sand abortion of a policy imaginable 16 years ago.

The premise of DADT is laughable. Essentially, the homophobes pretend there are no gays in the military while gay people in the military pretend they aren’t gay. The most common argument for this is that unit cohesion and morale would be hurt by anyone a little light in the combat boots.

What a load of crap!

Gay soldiers have existed since armies first went on the march and pretending they aren’t there is self-delusional. Some homophobes argue they are afraid gays would spy on them in the shower. But only if gay soldiers said, “Hi, I’m Bruce, I’m gay, and I’m here to fantasize over your rock hard hunk of burning manhood,” first. My suspicion in these cases is that the worriers probably have a honkin’ set of man-boobs and don’t go near the showers anyway. In other words, they’re poor candidates for ogledom.

As for the unit cohesion angle, I’d suggest that soldiers who didn’t follow orders are piss poor soldiers you want to weed out anyway. An army that would allow the perceived threat of gay solders to destroy unit cohesion isn’t an army – it is a heavily armed street gang.

The US military has been through these “wrenching” changes before. Truman’s desegregation of the military was supposed to have been the ruination of our defense, yet entire units of the military didn’t fall apart over it then and don’t now. To be sure, there will be the occasional asswipe cracker-under-arms who won’t like his superior’s decisions. But, I suspect a superior officer who unnecessarily and recklessly leads his troops into a firefight wouldn’t be the belle of the ball either. The unifying principles for soldiers here is that you do as you’re ordered to the best of your ability, whether it be charging a machine gun or sharing a tent with a gay soldier.

I’m glad the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff supports striking the law down. I’m glad The Messiah has remembered his promises and gotten surgery to strengthen his spine after first swimming like a jellyfish from the debate last year. I’m glad there is growing Congressional support for tossing this inane law. But, I’m dismayed there are still Congressmen willing to argue about something that should be a no-brainer – and as a nod to Mitch’s fear of too much time being spent in debate – with a simple voice vote to which there would be no credible dissenting howls. After all, many of these people put great store in the word of commanders on the ground during the wars of Czar Chimpster the Second. Admiral Mullen’s boots on the ground should be listened to now.

Now if some brave soul, like President Care Bear or even Mitch himself, would stand up and say, “You know, gay marriage causes no direct harm to anyone, so what the hell, let’s stop posturing,” there’d be no reason to waste so much time on debating it.

Especially in the face of economic crisis, war, unemployment, and college playoff systems.

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