Climate Change Initiative “Combustible”
Whether you believe global warming is caused by humans or not, you can’t argue that it’s a good thing. If you doubt that, wrap your lips around a tailpipe and see just how healthy it is. I’ll be standing right over here with my respirator on.
As the shit hits the fan, Mr. Hankey Explains Global Warming
J'ACCUSE! - A spontaneous demostration took place in Beebe, AR Sunday as Arkansas Game and Fish Commission officials named Barack Obama as the major cause of a huge fish and bird kill along the banks of the Arkansas River.
Beebe, AR – Arkansas game officials have announced that President Barack Obama has been implicated in the deaths of 4,000-5,000 birds – mostly blackbirds – and approximately 83,000 drum fish along a 20-mile stretch of the Arkansas River over the New Year holiday.
Billy Bob Hatfield, chairman of the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission, said toxicology tests have found no evidence of poisoning and necropsies that began on Monday have so far revealed no scientific explanation. Officials have also considered – but ruled out – fear of noise from thunderstorms and New Year’s fireworks and midair collisions between the birds. “With both fish and bird kills, it’s clear it wasn’t the noise or poison. And there were blackbird air traffic controllers on duty when the incident took place,” Hatfield said.
The commission settled on the Obama theory after a thorough search of the Holy Bible. “We prayed and the good Lord led us to a passage that says, “A man of dark color shall arrive in your country from Kenya and try to convert you to socialism,” said the chaplain for the Commission, Bob Billy McCoy.
Obama is the Anti-Christ
“We figured that since Obama has been conclusively proven to be a Kenyan and the anti-christ it must be his fault. “When we compared his color to the description of a ‘man of dark color’ found in the scriptures, it proved he was the true culprit,” McCoy said. “Then there’s that whole blackbird thing. Black man? Blackbird? That’s a coincidence? I think not.”
Some Republican officials and televangelist Pat Robertson have added “corroborating evidence” proving the initial trigger for the wildlife disaster was Obama repealing the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.
“There were thousands of gays swimming upstream of the fish kills in the Arkansas River. Some of the fish were sodomized by those secular homosexual humanists and swam upstream infected with AIDS,” Robertson said. “A dead fish washed ashore in the river and a bit of carcass from the fish was eaten by a blackbird who, in turn, infected the rest of his bird herd.”
“Gosh darn it. There can be no other explanation. God came to me in a vision I had during a nice veal scallopini dinner and told me it was so,” Robertson said.
Former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin also weighed in on the subject via a Twitter message. “Yeah, ditto what Reverend Robertson said. BTW I’m not running for President in 2012, I just play like it on TV. I’m a rogue, God bless America.”
Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe (D) – no relation to the town – cautioned citizens to not consider this a final cause for the incident. “As a Democrat, I will work in a completely bipartisan manner with my Republican colleagues to investigate this matter,” Beebe said.
Too Late for Bipartisanship
However, the Governor may be too late in his calls for bipartisanship. Incoming Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, California Republican Darrell Issa, is already adding an investigation to his lengthening list of issues the committee will take on.
“I’m currently asking lobbyists – including those representing the blackbird and drum fish lobby and the Texas Board of Education – to rewrite new rules and textbooks loosening the stranglehold the Sierra Club and those other nature nuts have on good old American business,” Issa said.
“We’ve already found direct evidence that Barack Obama is a pedophile through his connection to National Public Radio. I’m sure my committee will find him guilty, especially since he isn’t a US citizen. I’m already working with my pastor to fashion an extradition agreement with the Kingdom of God if one is needed,” Issa Said.
“All I know is that under George W. Bush’s administration we had 10 straight years without a wildlife kill. Now, with two years of the Obama administration’s mismanagement, we’ve had socialist health care, oil rig explosions, and the mass die offs of thousands of birds and fish,” Issa said. “Republicans will prove they are the party of God by becoming strong advocates for ecological conservation – as long as it doesn’t involve oil companies, coal companies, or mining interests. ”
“I don’t know why Obama hates America,” he added.
MARCH OF THE PENGUINS - Whether you're waiting for penquins to show up on the mean streets of Gotham or not the debate over climate change is a false one.
The political winds have changed and our new leaders – and I use that term loosely – are spoiling for a fight over many things, including “proving” climate change isn’t real. For their part, the Democrats are equally committed to “proving” it is. It’s nice to see the Earth still holds its normal place in the galaxy.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter.
Each side likes to fool themselves into believing this is a fight over science. Both sides can muster colleges full of scientists who postulate one theory or another.
And you know what? It doesn’t matter.
Ideology 101
Even though they all come equipped with an impressive – and sometimes not so impressive – array of bar charts and pie graphs and climatic studies, the truth is almost every one of those studies was paid for by some lobby or interest group. BP never saw a gushing black hole it didn’t like while environmental groups often advocate that if the problem isn’t resolved by next Wednesday, we’re all doomed. Whether you believe in global warming is more an ideological decision than a scientific one, regardless of which science is finally proven right.
And you know what? That doesn’t matter either.
The there’s the whole economic argument. One side says, “the economy is in the dumper. We can’t do anything now because we’ll lose jobs.” But then, that’s the same argument used when we’re in a depression or boom or bust or just hanging out waiting for some skeevy asscake of a banker to devise a new scheme to separate us from our money.
As my old Dad used to say, “Never do today what you can do tomorrow.”
Environmentalists would have us believe that all that new work in the green sector will almost immediately make up for any lost jobs. Unfortunately, economies don’t turn on a dime and I suspect that’s scant solace to a laid off coal miner who doesn’t know diddly about wind turbines, although he can tell you that if you point a mirror into the sun it gets hot as hell.
But does that matter? Um, no.
COUGH, COUGH, HACK - Lady Liberty already has a smoker's cough, is that really waht we want?
Dependence on foreign oil? “Bah,” says Big Dick Cheney, representatives from Texahoma, and all Exxonians, “we can pump enough oil to power everything and it’ll last indefinately – at least accoding to my contacts at the National Petroleum Inistitute.”
“Au contraire mon fraire,” say the anti-black gold folks. The oil is running out and drilling it will pollute every drop of ocean and every square inch of land in the country, especially in ANWAR. I think it’s up around that country Sarah Palin can see from her porch.”
That doesn’t matter either.
So far as I know, NO scientist, politician, economist, or just plain Joe the Plumber – except perhaps for the truly deranged – thinks wrapping their lips around a Hummer’s exhaust pipe is a good idea. I don’t know of anyone – other than Tony Hayward – who thinks that soothing oil bath in the Gulf helped shrimpers, fishermen, hoteliers, or snowy plovers.
We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Jobs
Jobs? The truth is some will go away, some will be created, and no one – least of all ouiji board economists – can say for sure how many or how long it will take. Although you won’t be able to swing a poison effluent-killed cat without hitting a lobbyist who’ll tell you with dead solid certainty that it will be bad…real bad…so bad we won’t support you in the next election bad.
Insert a cartoon twinkle off the charlatan’s evil smile here.
It matters because whether climate change deniers or champions are finally proven right, our planet is already much dirtier than mere mortals can withstand. Breathing the primordial ooze that passes for air or drinking water that a zillion Brita filters couldn’t decontaminate is killing us. If you don’t believe me, go ask your own bought and paid scientist whether dirty air or water is bad. Ask them if this is already happening or is a comupter forecast of what El Nino will do in 2050. You’ll find that one of those extinct animals called non-partisanship still lives.
It sucks to be Earth under the stewardship of man.
If we don’t do something about the problems we already have, there won’t be a tomorrow to defer to. We won’t have to worry about the kids whose future we may or may not be mortgaging because they’ll be dead. Fix that and the global climate issue will take care of itself.
And THAT’S what truly matters.
JACKBOOTS OR FLIP FLOPS? - The government's vow to "keep a boot" on BP's neck enraged the Conservosphere and turned out to be more like "a flip flop" on BPs neck anyway. Now neither side wants to talk about it.
Back when the Gulf Oil Disaster was only an oily sheen in the public’s eye, White House flak Robert Gibbs pledged the Obamites would, “keep a boot on the throat” of BP to ensure they did what they repeatedly have pledged – “do the right thing”.
At the time, the Conservasphere went ballistic at the White House employing such, “over heated rhetoric, half-truths, and down right distortions” to hold BP accountable. I experienced some of the same vitriol from free marketeers for my post, “The Gulf of Gelatinous Goo and the Tarball Etouffee” and I saw several other similar posts and comment threads too. The fact that Obama’s jackboot to the throat turned out to be more like a stomp administered by a 6-year old using her Hello Kitty flip flops doesn’t seem to have mattered much.
BP Overcome By a Huge Run of Bad Luck
The long and short of the free market cum Teabagger rhetoric revolved around the curious opinion that BP – apparently like every other corporation on the planet – was merely a good corporate citizen overcome by a huge run of bad luck, over-regulation, and the public’s unreasonable desire to dismantle the American economic system oil barrel by oil barrel. In other words, BP was getting a raw deal and if only left alone, would use a firm, earnest handshake and the power of the marketplace to correct and fully atone for what it had wrought.
So how’s that working out for you guys now?
Let’s forget for the moment that Tony “I Want My Life Back” Hayward more than rivalled Gibbs’ words in their dumbness and sometimes faux harshness. Let’s forget that BP wouldn’t know a promise from an oily pelican. Let’s even forget that the sheer grandiosity of BP’s ineptitude makes Bush’s Iraq and Afghanistan war performances look like the 30-day cake walks that was promised.
But, BP isn’t alone in its ineptitude. Almost every day we’re treated to a story about how the administration has colluded with the British Pissants to make the hook from which they should be hung as small and painless as possible. Or even better, not even force the skeevy bastards to look at it for fear of hurting their delicate sensibilities.
America Doesn’t Torture
Remember, America doesn’t torture, especially when you’re a big campaign contributor.
There is a lesson here, as expensive, horrible, and demoralizing it may be. Never put all of your faith in the much vaunted private sector to correct anything beyond the underpayment of the CEO’s last quarterly bonus. They will rob you blind and then make you apologize for the robbery…for a fee.
There’s another lesson too. Never put all your faith in government. It’s a publicly held sausage maker using cast-off oil corporate chitlins for ingredients and is a wholly-owned subsidiary of We the People (Very) LLP, but entirely financed by its board of private-sector directors.
Of course, there are sops to those gullible enough to believe that mere words would mean jack-shit in the scheme of things. We still get daily news briefings designed to suck the truly naive and daft into the market uber alles mentality. And yes, our iron-willed-willed Congress is looking for truth, justice, and the American way, but I’d lay a bet that the only malfeasance they’ll find is why a kangaroo “BP Squad” was empaneled to begin with.
As a nation, we’d better have some healthy mistrust for our chosen BFFs – government and private – and look at things realistically.
What better way than to lace up the truly independent jackboots and do some ass kickin’?
