Robertson, God’s official gaffemeister, says it’s okay to punch out of a presumably ‘traditional’ marriage if one spouse has Alzheimer’s.
That Newt Gingrich is a passionate man is without question. He’s a more passionate man than Charlie Sheen, and that, that my friends is a whole lotta passion bein’ stirred.
Newt’s been passionate about defending marriage from the awful scourge of people who love one another. So passionate, in fact, he separated with one wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment, to marry his high school sweetheart – who was also his geometry teacher…with whom he’d been having an affair for 6 years. That’s OK though, he divorced the schoolmarm for Wife Number 3 all on the up-and-up. Watch out ladies! Is that a foursome I see hovering in the background? Newt is, after all a passionate guy.
He’s passionate about other things too. For example, he’s passionate about BJs. Of course, he condemned Clinton for this. But, it’s different if you come by your BJ honestly, like Newt does – by innocently walking down the street and being surprised to trip and find his pecker has fallen into a woman’s mouth. Passionate stuff that.
But, he’s saved his biggest passion for his country. This patriot, by his every act, word, and deed, found himself so in love with Lady Liberty that he toiled for long hours grifting donors, lobbying lobbyists, and squeezing in the odd Contract on America that he broke down . He strayed. He divorced wives. Yes, he presumably even got illicit BJs. All for the taste of sweet, sweet liberty.
Ahhh, but the sweet smell of Lady Labia’s Liberty’s essential fluids also delivered him from his decadence and landed him on CBN describing his conversion and salvation through Catholicism – a religion uniquely qualified to cater to the passions of his ilk.
And now, Brother Newt, friend of God, and passionate of unzipped pant, bellows to the rafters, “HALLELUJAH! PRAISE ST. RONNIE OF REAGAN! – THE PATRON SAINT OF TEA PARTIERS WANTS ME TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!”
“I am but a mere vessel of Reagan conservatism to use as St. Ronnie knows my destiny will surely take me. Oh, and log on to newt.org to contribute. Visa and MasterCard welcome.”
Now let’s hope that those hooligan journalists don’t ask him the most salient question…
If being a Congressman drove you to such passion that you lost your mind and fornicated like a Viagraized Easter Bunny, how will you fare being the much more passionately pressurized President.
Inquiring ex-wives want to know.
- How Newt Gingrich Misplaced His Member (esquire.com)
- Newt Gingrich: I Cheated On My Wife Because I Was So Busy Trying To Impeach Clinton (oliverwillis.com)
- Gingrich: “I Only Regret That I Have but Three Wives to Lose for My Country” (slog.thestranger.com)
- GOP Doesn’t Care About Newt Gingrich’s Tawdy Personal Life…He’s EXCITING (businessinsider.com)
- The Eye of a Newt (zwingliusredivivus.wordpress.com)
- The Passion of the Newt (latinone.wordpress.com)
- Newt Gingrich: Sorry for the confusing presidential announcement… (shortformblog.tumblr.com)
- Chris Matthews Suggests Newt Gingrich’s Hand Gestures Are Religious (mediaite.com)
The Human Condition Ain’t What It’s Cracked Up to Be
- Will China Ban Naked Wedding Photos?
- Never Visit These Dating Sites
- Angry Women Force Trespassing Men to Perform Sit-ups
- Walker endured a two-hour attack by a reindeer
- McDonald’s to Offer McWeddings
- C Scan T-shirt (Kelly the Little Black Dog)
- Live Action Coyote vs Roadrunner
- Chinese Hairstylists Perform Truly Giant Haircut
- The most dangerous squirrels on Earth
- Tommy Lee Explodes Over Whale Sperm, Pamela Anderson Not Involved
- 7 Odd Specialties of Real Professors
- Teacher at Kennesaw State University, Strips In Front of Class
- Woman allegedly bites husband’s tongue
- Racist Coffee
- Nanaimo Fire Guy Not Mentally Disabled, Probably Just Crazy
- Czechs Slammed For Bizarre ‘Porn Arousal’ Test For Gay Refugees
- Another Ancient Dildo
- Store’s Sign Reminds That BBQ Restaurants Are “Safest” Because Of Lack of Muslims
- Buffalo Rides In Car, Drinks Beer In Alberta
- Three Readings from the Hipster Bible
- Whip It Out: American Cities by Penis Size
- O’ Holy Penis
- Sarah Silverman Does Vaginal Health PSA
- Churchgoers Crushed By Camel In Nativity Processional
- Client demands money back from hookers
- Pastor executes elf to save Christmas
- Nutmeg Treated as Drug for Hallucinogenic High
- Is It Human?
- Putin Fights Cancer by Singing Blueberry Hill
- Vegas ‘Strippermobile’ Delivers Christmas Donations
- 79 Freaky Robots
- Battery-Operated Robot Completes 310 Mile Trip
- The Robot Girl
- Dairy Farms Go Robotic, Cows Never Happier
- Women Robots
Those Darn Capitalists!
- Crazy New Investment Idea: Divorces!
- ‘Augmented Reality’ Candy Lets You Taste Fireworks
- American Apparel’s Attempt to Regain Customers: Pubic Hair Cartoons
- Corporate Song and Dance
- Is Duncan Hines’ Cupcake Ad Racist?
- Lucifer’s Toy Chest
- Jesus Christ Action Figure
Merry Christmas Happy Holidays Wherever You Are Bill O’Reilly
OK, Can the Japanese BE Any Stranger?
- Japanese Man Steals 3,000 Pairs of Panties: Can’t Find His Size
- Japanese Robots Become Hospital Staff
- It’s illegal to be fat in Japan
- Google Earth Skydiving
- More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
- AR-Tees brings augmented reality to a t-shirt, on sale now (video) (engadget.com)
- Pop Sigma Serves up Millions of Views with Rap Viral Video Campaign for McDonald’s in China (prweb.com)
- Volo Releases YUBE Augmented Reality App for Stationary Exercise – Travel the World without Leaving the Gym (prweb.com)
- AR.Pursuit augmented reality shooter app for AR.Drone now available on iTunes (engadget.com)
- Pamela Anderson and the rotis.. (computerknowledge1.blogspot.com)