DIAPERMAN – Vitter needs to look at himself before buying into rumor-mongers like the Birthers. That whole diaper fetish thing may come back to haunt him.

There are only a handful of people in Congress that can compare to Rep. Michele Bachman (R-WTFistan) for sheer, willful igrnorance and buffoonery, but right at the top of the short list has to be Sen. David Vitter (R-Asshatylvania).

Vitter answered a question from an Orly Taserer over the weekend about Barack Obama’s, “refusal to produce a valid birth certificate.” Rather than just saying “it’s already been settled” and rolling his eyes like any sane person, Vitter provided an answer as slick as Lousiana’s best BP crude. The answer simultaneously proved he knows the correct answer, is a-skeered of some his own inbred constituents, and has mastered the age-old technique of all charlatans – flinging guano at someone else so as not to get any on their own shoes.

Vitter never said anything about Obama and the state of Hawaii producing birth records so many times that Hawaii has started turning down requests and judges have batted away frivilous lawsuits like Vitter swats bats in his own belfrey.

No, he said he supports “conservative legal organizations and others who would bring that to court. I think that is the valid and most possibly effective grounds to do it.” In other words, “I ain’t sayin’ it’s true, but it’s a mighty interestin’ question.”

Is Vitter a Birther by Birth?
He provided some additional cover for himself by saying, “I think if we focus on that issue and let our eye off the ball … I think that’s a big mistake.” Which

BRING IN THE CLOWNS! - David Vitter apparently looks up to Orly Taitz as a paragon of sense and rationality.

is another way of saying, “I told ‘em harpin’ on the issue was a ‘big mistake’ (right after I told ‘em they should keep the rumor ball goin’).” And just to hedge his bets, his office isn’t returning calls to answer the direct question of whether he is a birther himself.

Pretty slick for a world-class idiot.

You’d think Vitter would shy away from fueling patently untrue rumors. He’s been a victim of them himself. But perhaps that’s giving the dunderdick more credit than he’s due.

A few years back, Mr. Family Values’ name came up on the client list of DC Madam, Deborah Palfrey. Almost immediately rumors began to spread that Mr. Vitter occasionaly stopped by Palfrey’s House of the Rising Republicans to partake in a little diaper play – presumably because Mrs. Vitter found him childish enough without being his sexual wet nurse too.

A Stance as Wide as All Outdoors
It was a believable enough rumor, I mean you could profile the guy like a zany senator with a stance so wide it spreads across two stalls in the pissoir. It just seemed like the sort of thing he’d do – which is precisely why Vitter had such a tough time putting the rumor to rest.

It really doesn’t matter whether he likes his nappies changed by a professional. It is, after all, personal behavior which is his own business, much like homosexual conduct is personal business (but that’s a whole other post). You’d think he’d remember how you can get sucked into rumors and have your reputation sullied by half denials and your opponents’ obfuscations.

Vitter could use some advice, so here it is:

People who live in rubber rooms shouldn’t throw stones.

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A NIGHT TO LAST FOREVER - And I though my 1973 electric blue, crushed velvet tux was something special.

God Stuff

• Later, the church invented the Holy Day of Christ’s Nose Blow Miracle.
• Why is God wearing jeans?
• My God can whip your God, but only if the old testament dude isn’t the one on the fight card.
• Millie thought it was a miracle until she found out she was looking at the entree at a spaghetti feed for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
• If God is really in our brain, how come complete idiots sometimes believe in God?
• God hates signs, but not nearly as much as he hates Westboro Baptist Church.
• When did the Super Bowl become so politicized?

Proof  Capitalists Don’t Know What the Hell They’re Doing

• Makers said there was even a dutch oven cooking method involving diners putting the pouches in their anal cavities.
• Somehow, this commercial doesn’t make me want to go out and have someone jab me a zillion times with a sharp-ass needle.
• I wonder if you could take this off your taxes?
• I’m thinking these won’t sell well in the projects where they have ample supplies of rats anyway.
• It’s the perfect gift for that special someone who has all the perception of your average tree stump.
• A Right to Life group unveils “proof” that God wants you to carry your unborn child by tying him to your vagina with yarn.

Crime Waves of the Moronic

• The worst part was that Michelle still ended up with a ticket for loitering.
• The dogs were OK with it, as long as Carla wore a bag over her head.
• It’ wouldn’t have been so bad if the stuff had been fresh and warm.
• Well in the cop’s defense, he had just eaten a jelly donut and needed something to wash it down.
• Are you happy to see me or are those 75 bottles of lotion in your pants?

There Are a Billion Stories on the Naked Internet…These are Only 14 of Them

• Billy was hysterical when he learned Mom had thrown out his comic book collection. His first edition copy of Amputee Love was worth a fortune.
• There’s the pitch and…oooo, a swing and a miss.
• Republican leaders introduced their proposal for dental work during the debate over health care last week.
• All in all, the Obama administration’s “shovel ready” infrastructure projects are creative and provide jobs to divers, tailgaters, and laundry wenches.
• It became evident early on that Billy was a world-class band nerd.
• I’d say, “my condolences” in Bo, but no one knows how to speak it any more.
• These cubies may be “amazing”, but you still feel like a meerkat hiding from a wildebeest when you stand up and look around.
• The Oakland County sheriff’s department said, “After consuming an unknown quantity of alcohol, he constructed a device out of a motorcycle muffler and pipe.” Alcohol? What tipped you off, sheriff?”
• Yes, they are “rubbish” if by rubbish you mean unsanitary crap piles.
• The Cyrus family always took great pride in their contributions to the rich fabric of American society.
• The speech was just goin’ dandy til Sarah mistook her hand for the teleprompter don’tcha know? Wink, wink, wave.
• As plastic surgery goes, being a Jessica Alba clone isn’t so bad.
• Some people’s generosity knows no bounds.
• Uber-nerdity.

Robot: From the Czech Word Robata

• Sure, it’s a bit crude, but if it gets you the tickets, “what the hell?”
• We may not being going to the moon, but by God, Rosie the Robot is within our grasp!
• If these are the visions of the future I don’t want to go on. I already got burned by that whole Jetson’s flying car thing.
• The robot firefighter was a good idea except for the materials they used to make it.

The Jiggly Bits

• As soon as David Vitter heard the news, he immediately reacted by saying, “What’s up with this ban? Former bestiality practitioners will immediately join NAMBLA and start abusing the youngsters of America.”
• It’s a great Valentine Day promotion, but act now – reservations are going fast.
• Fer god sakes Melvin, get your mind out of the gutter table saw.
• Patrick Swazye returns from the grave to film this unique sequel to his hit movie, Ghost.
• “Oh, I say. Could you pul-eeze keep the noise down just a smidge. It is interfering with my science project.”

Made in Japan

• Audiences loved the machines until they found out they were all props from the Broadway play Starlight Express.
• Taxi! Taxi!

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