Why Do Conservatives Hate America, Er, Sex

UPDATE: GOP Calls For More Anti-Porn Enforcement… As Red States View The Most Porn

Explain why you don’t wear a flag pin on your pajamas, or that the 10 Commandments and the Bill of Rights are entirely separate documents, or why you believe Barack Obama is an American citizen to a rabid conservative and they’re likely to ask, “Why do you hate America?”

My question for them is, “Why do you hate sex?”

After all, conservative Catholics believe the celibate ringleader of the world’s largest pedophile ring when he says sex is for procreation – no fun allowed.

And that whole homo sex thing reads like swing set assembly instructions written by Siberian prison labor outsourced by Bain Capital. “Tab-ski A only fits in Slot-ski B, but never insert Tab C-ski in Slot D-ski” – so confusing.

Just exactly how does gay marriage degrade your own marriage? How does a soldier who doesn’t mention being gay and that you don’t ask about being gay become gay by being asked or telling? Perhaps you wouldn’t be so confused if you didn’t interrupt Larry Craig for an explanation while he is practicing his wide stance at Minneapolis International. I’m given to understand wide stance consummation can be very distracting.

You also like your experts in morality. Just ask David Vitter, a man who visits more prostitutes than Charlie Sheen. When you need advice on strong marriages serial adulterer Newt Gingrich will explain it all…politics made him do it.

When you’re helping that unplanned son or daughter with their biology homework ask just about any other conservative male how lady plumbing works. They really know their stuff. Michele Bachmann can help the kids get extra credit by explaining how HPV vaccine causes cancer.

Why do you feel a swell of, um, “pride” when the little woman whispers, “Oh God, oh God, oh God” while faking an orgasm? Isn’t that using the Lord’s name in vain?

Everyone knows you think sex toys are the work of the devil. So bad, you want to try owners in a court forbidding Sharia law, which ironically really cracks down on the dildo-wielding set. Still, I understand why you’re embarrassed. The 5-year old walking out during the pastor’s visit yelling, “Look Mommy, I found a rocket ship!” can be mortifying – especially when the reverend suggests that dunking you like a witch in the baptismal pool will drive the devil out.

You believe promise rings are an effective form of birth control, that kids will never discover sex unless the Obamunists expose them to sex education in school, and that pregnancy begins with a gleam in Daddy’s debauched eye…but that’s OK, because men are entitled by God to be debauched.

Finally, why are you so obsessed with everyone else’s sex life?

I hear getting laid will help with that.

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David Vitter: People Who Live in Rubber Rooms Shouldn’t Throw Stones

DIAPERMAN – Vitter needs to look at himself before buying into rumor-mongers like the Birthers. That whole diaper fetish thing may come back to haunt him.

There are only a handful of people in Congress that can compare to Rep. Michele Bachman (R-WTFistan) for sheer, willful igrnorance and buffoonery, but right at the top of the short list has to be Sen. David Vitter (R-Asshatylvania).

Vitter answered a question from an Orly Taserer over the weekend about Barack Obama’s, “refusal to produce a valid birth certificate.” Rather than just saying “it’s already been settled” and rolling his eyes like any sane person, Vitter provided an answer as slick as Lousiana’s best BP crude. The answer simultaneously proved he knows the correct answer, is a-skeered of some his own inbred constituents, and has mastered the age-old technique of all charlatans – flinging guano at someone else so as not to get any on their own shoes.

Vitter never said anything about Obama and the state of Hawaii producing birth records so many times that Hawaii has started turning down requests and judges have batted away frivilous lawsuits like Vitter swats bats in his own belfrey.

No, he said he supports “conservative legal organizations and others who would bring that to court. I think that is the valid and most possibly effective grounds to do it.” In other words, “I ain’t sayin’ it’s true, but it’s a mighty interestin’ question.”

Is Vitter a Birther by Birth?

He provided some additional cover for himself by saying, “I think if we focus on that issue and let our eye off the ball … I think that’s a big mistake.” Which

Bring on the Clowns

BRING IN THE CLOWNS! - David Vitter apparently looks up to Orly Taitz as a paragon of sense and rationality.

is another way of saying, “I told ’em harpin’ on the issue was a ‘big mistake’ (right after I told ’em they should keep the rumor ball goin’).” And just to hedge his bets, his office isn’t returning calls to answer the direct question of whether he is a birther himself.

Pretty slick for a world-class idiot.

You’d think Vitter would shy away from fueling patently untrue rumors. He’s been a victim of them himself. But perhaps that’s giving the dunderdick more credit than he’s due.

A few years back, Mr. Family Values’ name came up on the client list of DC Madam, Deborah Palfrey. Almost immediately rumors began to spread that Mr. Vitter occasionaly stopped by Palfrey’s House of the Rising Republicans to partake in a little diaper play – presumably because Mrs. Vitter found him childish enough without being his sexual wet nurse too.

A Stance as Wide as All Outdoors
It was a believable enough rumor, I mean you could profile the guy like a zany senator with a stance so wide it spreads across two stalls in the pissoir. It just seemed like the sort of thing he’d do – which is precisely why Vitter had such a tough time putting the rumor to rest.

It really doesn’t matter whether he likes his nappies changed by a professional. It is, after all, personal behavior which is his own business, much like homosexual conduct is personal business (but that’s a whole other post). You’d think he’d remember how you can get sucked into rumors and have your reputation sullied by half denials and your opponents’ obfuscations.

Vitter could use some advice, so here it is:

People who live in rubber rooms shouldn’t throw stones.

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Randomness: God Stuff Style

A NIGHT TO LAST FOREVER - And I though my 1973 electric blue, crushed velvet tux was something special.

A NIGHT TO LAST FOREVER - And I though my 1973 electric blue, crushed velvet tux was something special.

God Stuff

Proof  Capitalists Don’t Know What the Hell They’re Doing

  • Makers said there was even a dutch oven cooking method involving diners putting the pouches in their anal cavities.
  • Somehow, this commercial doesn’t make me want to go out and have someone jab me a zillion times with a sharp-ass needle.
  • I wonder if you could take this off your taxes?
  • I’m thinking these won’t sell well in the projects where they have ample supplies of rats anyway.
  • It’s the perfect gift for that special someone who has all the perception of your average tree stump.
  • A Right to Life group unveils “proof” that God wants you to carry your unborn child by tying him to your vagina with yarn.

Crime Waves of the Moronic

There Are a Billion Stories on the Naked Internet…These are Only 14 of Them

Robot: From the Czech Word Robata

  • Sure, it’s a bit crude, but if it gets you the tickets, “what the hell?”
  • We may not being going to the moon, but by God, Rosie the Robot is within our grasp!
  • If these are the visions of the future I don’t want to go on. I already got burned by that whole Jetson’s flying car thing.
  • The robot firefighter was a good idea except for the materials they used to make it.

The Jiggly Bits

  • As soon as David Vitter heard the news, he immediately reacted by saying, “What’s up with this ban? Former bestiality practitioners will immediately join NAMBLA and start abusing the youngsters of America.”
  • It’s a great Valentine Day promotion, but act now – reservations are going fast.
  • Fer god sakes Melvin, get your mind out of the gutter table saw. Not Safe For Work
  • Patrick Swazye returns from the grave to film this unique sequel to his hit movie, Ghost.
  • “Oh, I say. Could you pul-eeze keep the noise down just a smidge. It is interfering with my science project.”

Made in Japan

  • Audiences loved the machines until they found out they were all props from the Broadway play Starlight Express.
  • Taxi! Taxi!