Right Wingers Don’t Have a Monopoly on Conspiracy Theories

The Dog ConspiracyRight wingers don’t have a monopoly on conspiracy theories. Even chock-a-block with Kenyan Kommunists, fluoride brainwashing, and death panels, their opponents on the left can sometimes be just as single-minded in their demonstrably proven backasswards beliefs.

In July, two QF-4 drones crashed near Tyndall AFB, FL. The F-4s were retired aircraft of Vietnam War vintage, far beyond their usefulness as fighters and sitting in the hot desert at a boneyard outside Tuscon, AZ. Needing real life airplanes to test weapons, the Air Force converted the old aircraft to remotely piloted drones at much lower cost than building brand new ones. There is nothing new in this. The U.S. and many other countries have done the same thing since shortly after WWII. Better drone. Way cheaper. No brainer, right?

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Teabaggers: Politics for the Irony-Challenged

Tea Baggers 1776

PITY THE IRONY-CHALLENGED - Teabaggers really hate to be called teabaggers and if you're not careful, they'll insult you. Why one of them called me a liberal and progressive the other day. The bastards!

As tea parties have become the political force du jour, numerous stereotypes about them have formed. Of course, you can’t fairly profile every member of a tea party any more than you can profile all black men or every Muslim. However, you can generalize certain characteristics of these groups and still be on target (gun imagery intended) most of the time. So, if you’re a level-headed, sane member of a tea party, this post doesn’t apply to you. I’m talking to the Batshit Crazies. You’re excused to go to a Palin rally or a John Ashcroft concert or flag pin shopping or something.

Many teabaggers are irony-challenged. I’ve noticed that most of them are extremely sensitive to being called “teabaggers”, yet they object with language designed to insult anyone who used the word.

You Scum-Sucking Pootieheaded Liberal
The rant goes, “Clearly, you are full of hate,” followed by a string of invective heaved like a Molotov cocktail. The rants frequently contain a dozen or so supposedly hot button keywords like socialist, communist, or fascist (and for the last time get this straight, communism and fascism are diametrically opposed principles). Sometimes they even spew the two most dreaded epithets in the English language – fingers in your ears now if you’re squeamish – liberal and progressive.

At this point I borrow a word from the unabridged Dick Cheney International Dicktionary for an answer – “so”. I called you a teabagger, fully aware of the sexual meaning behind it. You were insulted, so it’s only fair to call me anything you want. I don’t mind. Really.

Teabaggers often ask – rhetorically I assume – if I know that everything uttered by The Messiah (I like to call him The Messiah because, you know, I insult him sometimes too) is a lie.

Yes, many things he says are untrue, just as it’s untrue to say everything he says is a lie. He shares this characteristic with every politician since the first Cro-Magnon wrote notes on her hand or stood before a teleprompter.

Again, “so”.

Bagglers often ask why I voted for Obama. For the record, I did.

Yet again, “so”.

John McCain: Critical Thinking Skills of a DonutI did it not because I expected I’d never hear him speak an untruth or because I was enamored by his policies. In fact, I’m not pleased with him now. I don’t defend him unless I think he does something right and that situation is unlikely to change. I voted for him and got pretty much what I expected TYVM.

But more importantly, I didn’t vote for McCain. His selection of the Moose Baby Momma showed me he had the critical thinking skills of a donut. Instead of just disagreeing with some of what he said, I disagreed with ALL of what he said. But the number one reason I voted against him is because he’s a cranky, vindictive, old fart whose skin is thinner than a condom and who would sell his mother if he thought it would get him elected.

Which brings us to the last irony for this post. Teabaggers swagger like Dubya. They’re tiresomely full of gun imagery, or in some cases, actual guns. They play the “bring it on” card in an attempt to scare people into submission. They boast that armageddon will come, born on the wings of angels and dropped like a commie bomb on Obamashima.

In this, they are the ideological successors to McTheusela and George Bush the Lesser. All the bluster and cowboysterism in the world doesn’t cover for the fact they’re afraid of nothing more than change.

Ironic, ain’t it?

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Eric Massa: American Idiot

TICKLE ME ERIC - Constituents line up for a turn in the tickle pit with former Rep. Eric Massa. Massa says charges that he engaged in homosexual conduct. However, the unidentified man in the kilt explained that he and the Congressman were merely experimenting with what a man wears under his kilt.

TICKLE ME ERIC - Constituents line up for a turn in the tickle pit with former Rep. Eric Massa. Massa says charges that he engaged in homosexual conduct are lies perpetrated by Sen. Harry Ried (D-Spinelessylvania). However, the unidentified man in the kilt explained that he and the Congressman were merely trying to determine what a Scottsman wears under his kilt.

You know you’re an asshat when Glenn Beck feels the need to apologize for your sorry ass.

Rep. Eric Massa (D-East Gayberstan) is at the center of one of those train wrecks in which the person caught doing something stupid tries to save himself by fanning the flames.

The facts of the Congress-o-loon’s fall from grace are straight forward enough, but the legs, pace, and complexities of the unraveling stories aren’t. Ostensibly, Massa allegedly tickled and made sexual advances toward staff members of the opposite marrying kind A Tip of the Hat to Carrie Prejean (H/T to Carrie Prejean and her marvelous language skills). It’s unclear if the “victims” consented or not.

But, consent doesn’t matter and neither did Larry King asking him if he was gay. If he yearns to slap and tickle a co-dude, then more power to him. That’s between him and the ticklee. It’s a common enough fetish, for both gays and straights.

At this point, had Massa simply said, “You know what, I’m stupid,” everything would have been OK. But instead, he chose to tell a story about fellow Dems forcing him out because he wanted to vote against healthcare reform. Dodging the spotlight by turning it on yourself is hardly a brilliant damage control strategy – but he plowed on like the Titanic.

He told the story. Then, he retracted it.

Then, he told it again.

Then, he retracted it again.

Rinse and repeat.

Beck had the misfortune to interview Massa somewhere about here. By this time the air was so thick with innuendo, conflicting stories, and untruths that even a master of subterfuge and obfuscation, like Beck, couldn’t make sense of it.

New stories are now surfacing that he participated similar recreational activities in the Navy and I’m sure there’ll be more edits and multiple retractions to that story. It’s as thin as Larry Craig‘s infamous wide stance. Massa could say, “The sky is blue,” and no one would believe him now.

Massa has exceptionally poor critical thinking skills and a penchant to compensate with even more lackluster critical thinking skills. In short, he’s an imbecile and NY is well-shed of him. At this point, replacing Massa with Jim Bunning would be an improvement and I wouldn’t vote for him as Douchebag-in-Chief, despite his obvious world-class qualifications and experience.

Eric, for the love of God, shut up before you get yourself in more trouble.

Stop, drop, and roll will ya?

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