Conspiracy Theories Are the New Cottage Industry

SHH, MUM'S THE WOID - From a tiny ACORN a million conspiracies will grow.

SHH, MUM'S THE WOID - From a tiny ACORN a million conspiracies will grow.

Ahh, memories. It’s the time of year when every media outlet on planet Earth has a look back over the last year, or in this year’s case, the last decade. My vote for the best is HuffPo‘s 12 Weirdest Right-Wing Conspiracies of 2009 – although their Sex Tapes of the Past Decade was right up there too. I’m a sucker for a dirty Kim Kardashian tape.

Surprisingly, Team Arianna could constrain themselves to only 12 conspiracies for the entire decade! That’s great restraint when facing a tsunami of crackpots like we’ve seen lately.

It seems conspiracy theories have become a cottage industry for the new millennium. People like Glenn Beck, Michele Bachmann, and Orly Taitz are making entire careers of trying to out-loon one another.

The Lean, Mean, Rumor-Mongering Queen
My personal favorite is Bachmann who’s a lean, mean, rumor-mongering queen. She out-looned Glenn Beck at least once by declaring the census may be a tool to send you straight to a WWII style internment camp. Even Glenn blanched.

She’s no amateur rumor queen though. As far back as 1993 Michele was conjuring up pro-quality addle-brained fictions, like trying to ban the Disney film Aladdin because it promoted witchcraft and paganism. At a school board meeting about her demands, it seems Michele got a little testy, asking the other school board members, “Are you going to question my integrity?” shortly before resigning.

No Michele, they were questioning your sanity. We all believe your integrity is intact because no one could make up such far-fetched shite without truly believing it.

The Million Man Muttonheads

Possibly the biggest conspiracy theory of the year came from birther Orly Taitz and the Million Man Muttonheads of the lunatic fringe. Ignoring the voluminous evidence supporting Obama’s legal birthplace, they just just keep a’comin’ with howls of “Give us the birth certificate!”. He did you morons, dozens of times over.

These Energizer Bunnies from the likes of the Westboro Baptist Church and Insane Asylum even introduced side-plots like Obama’s “indoctrination” speech to kids and his alleged card-carrying membership in the Jihadist Muslim Country Club.

And what bag of conspiracy nuts would be complete without Sarah Palin? Take it from her, Obama is going to personally off her dear old grandma and turn us all into Commies. If that wasn’t enough, those crafty Democrats (oopsie, Bushies) were going to abolish Christianity by removing the “In God We Trust” claptrap from the edge of redesigned coins. However, fellow nutcases Glenn Beck and Michele Bachmann saw a quite different monetary plot.

Yep, 2009 – indeed the entire decade – were banner years for wing-nuttery. Every imbecile with a stray thought crossing their synapses got their 15 minutes of fame and more. The whole thing would’ve been comical had it not been for the fact the stories were true. They say there’s a fine line between genius and madness.

And clearly, these people crossed that line.

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