The Civil War According to Pat Buchanan

Pat Buchanan

THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN! - Conservative firebrand and pie magnet Pat Buchanan recently applied for a seat on the Texas Board of Education. He hopes to take charge of Civil War history textbooks to correct the idea that the war was caused by slavery.

At this point, I’m sure even Va. Goobernator Bob McDonnell rues the day he decided to reinstate Confederate History Month. People still get a little cranky over the Civil War – especially when you gloss over a nasty little thing like slavery as “insignificant”. After having a new butthole chewed into his backside, he apologized – weakly and not very convincingly – and probably hoped the whole thing would blow over before the next Shad Planking.

Luck must love an imbecile though, because Pat Buchanan put on his Screaming Head hat and rode onto Chris Matthews’ Hardball and provided enough cover for Bob-O to slink off the hot seat and back to a pig-pickin’ around back of the Gov’s Mansion.

I grew up in Virginia and was force-fed state history from the womb until the age of majority. Still, I had something to learn from Pat – slavery didn’t drive Virginia out of the Union! In Pat’s alternative universe, they just didn’t want to take up arms against the real crackers down Mississippi way.

Just Some 1860-Vintage Tea Partiers
“What took them out of the Union was when Abraham Lincoln said, we want 75,000 volunteers, your militia and your soldiers in Virginia, to attack the deep South and bring them back into the union,” Pat lectured. “They said, we’re not going to kill our kinsmen.”

And slavery?

Nah, not such a big deal apparently.  According to Pat, Virginians were just some good-hearted, 1860-vintage tea partiers yearning to be free of their oppressive government. “They wanted to be free of the Union,” Pat said.

But which side was right?

Pat, drawing on his best King Solomon Magic 8 Ball – split the difference. “I think in a way both sides were right. Lincoln had a right to save the Union. I think they [the South] had a right to go free.”

Now Pat is correct…a little. The founding fathers did keep slaves – and some were conflicted by it – though not enough to free any while they were alive. There were some states’ rights and economic issues having nothing to do with slavery. However, I’d guess if you asked the average person what the Civil War was about they wouldn’t say, “Why, a conflict between the central governing principles of states’ rights and federalism, of course.”

Instead, you’d get a one-word answer, “Slavery.”

Saying the Civil War was about anything other than slavery, is about as disingenuous as saying the U.S. and Japan went to war because of tariffs and balance of trade issues.

Tone Deaf or Just Plain Evil?
No one, least of all these men themselves, is stupid enough to not know that. So that leaves one of two explanations. Either they’re displaying the sort of tone-deafness that made Pat a favorite of the Nixon, Ford, and St. Ronnie of Reagan abominations administrations or they intentionally say these stupid-assed things because they believe them.

Pat thinks we’ve lost a teaching moment about the Civil War, and as much as it pains me, I agree with him. There is a place for Confederate History Month, but it isn’t as a forum to racially cleanse a shameful, embarrassing event by minimizing its biggest cause. We could use a true teaching moment that includes all the reasons and all the actions – north, south, black, white, rich, or poor. The lesson could be a powerful way to demonstrate why slavery was not right and how we can learn to avoid such hatred and stupidity today.

But before we begin preparing lesson plans I suggest that Bob and Pat take some refresher history courses if they expect to be teachers. Or at the very least, rethink what they know – because there is no place in America for people who are so ill-informed.

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Insignificant Slavery? Stop Them Before They Vote Again

Confederate Gun Crew

WILL THE GOV. RISE AGAIN? - A Confederate gun crew loads up a howitzer so Va. Gov. Bob McDonnell can shoot himself in the foot.

What kind of complete idiot apparently doesn’t know there was a Civil War? And even assuming said idiot does know there was a Civil War, how stupid must that idiot be to think a Confederate History Month is a good idea? And what sort of idiot would then extend that line of very faulty logic to say the role of slavery in the Civil War isn’t worth mentioning because it isn’t “significant” enough?

If you guessed it’s a politician, you’re right. Meet Virginia’s Goobernator, Bob McDonnell. As Bob-O said as he reinstated Confederate History Month, “Obviously, it [the Civil War] involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia.”

Considering the population of the Commonwealth of Virginia is about 20% black this was an exceedingly stupid move, one that ought to place Bob in 27 layers of bubble wrap, have a hockey helmet shoved onto the point that passes for his head, and locked into a padded room…because surely it can’t be safe to let him out in public. Even his famously thick predecessor George “Macaca” Allen – a man so stupid Bush the Lesser pushed him out of the RNC chairmanship – wouldn’t touch the subject with a 10-foot pole.

This isn’t a case of playing the race card. This isn’t a case of being some unreconstructed redneck cracker who embraces racism without question. Hell, the Grand Wazoo of the KK Freakin’ K knows this was a stupid thing to say even though he may fervently believe it’s true. This is a case of a complete imbecile play-acting as Governor of a state in the early 21st Century.

Yes, he apologized.

“The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake, and for that I apologize to any fellow Virginian who has been offended or disappointed,” the apology said. “The abomination of slavery divided our nation, deprived people of their God-given inalienable rights, and led to the Civil War. Slavery was an evil, vicious and inhumane practice which degraded human beings to property, and it has left a stain on the soul of this state and nation.”

Bob, buddy, how did you make the leap from insignificant slavery to, “Slavery was an evil, vicious, and inhumane practice which degraded human beings to property?”

Did you really think people wouldn’t notice you forgot to mention something as insignificant as slavery about a war primarily fought over it? Did you really think people, offended or not, didn’t see what a monumental asscake you were when you said it was insignificant? And do you really think your syrup-dripping homily is going to placate them now?

It’s at times like this, that I reconsider my opposition to term limits. Obviously, someone with the perception of your average tree stump should be out of office as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, in McDonnell’s case, it’s obviously too late – there’s a moron (with apologies to mor0ns the world over) at the wheel of state in Va.

It pains me to say this – I lived in Virginia for 20 years and still have family and friends there – but there may be only one answer to keeping dangerous crapweasels like McDonnell contained before they wreck something else…term limits for the voting franchise.

Dear God, stop them before they vote for him again!

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