That Newt Gingrich is a passionate man is without question. He’s a more passionate man than Charlie Sheen, and that, that my friends is a whole lotta passion bein’ stirred.
Newt’s been passionate about defending marriage from the awful scourge of people who love one another. So passionate, in fact, he separated with one wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment, to marry his high school sweetheart – who was also his geometry teacher…with whom he’d been having an affair for 6 years. That’s OK though, he divorced the schoolmarm for Wife Number 3 all on the up-and-up. Watch out ladies! Is that a foursome I see hovering in the background? Newt is, after all a passionate guy.
He’s passionate about other things too. For example, he’s passionate about BJs. Of course, he condemned Clinton for this. But, it’s different if you come by your BJ honestly, like Newt does – by innocently walking down the street and being surprised to trip and find his pecker has fallen into a woman’s mouth. Passionate stuff that.
But, he’s saved his biggest passion for his country. This patriot, by his every act, word, and deed, found himself so in love with Lady Liberty that he toiled for long hours grifting donors, lobbying lobbyists, and squeezing in the odd Contract on America that he broke down . He strayed. He divorced wives. Yes, he presumably even got illicit BJs. All for the taste of sweet, sweet liberty.
Ahhh, but the sweet smell of Lady Labia’s Liberty’s essential fluids also delivered him from his decadence and landed him on CBN describing his conversion and salvation through Catholicism – a religion uniquely qualified to cater to the passions of his ilk.
And now, Brother Newt, friend of God, and passionate of unzipped pant, bellows to the rafters, “HALLELUJAH! PRAISE ST. RONNIE OF REAGAN! – THE PATRON SAINT OF TEA PARTIERS WANTS ME TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!”
“I am but a mere vessel of Reagan conservatism to use as St. Ronnie knows my destiny will surely take me. Oh, and log on to newt.org to contribute. Visa and MasterCard welcome.”
Now let’s hope that those hooligan journalists don’t ask him the most salient question…
If being a Congressman drove you to such passion that you lost your mind and fornicated like a Viagraized Easter Bunny, how will you fare being the much more passionately pressurized President.
Inquiring ex-wives want to know.
- How Newt Gingrich Misplaced His Member (esquire.com)
- Newt Gingrich: I Cheated On My Wife Because I Was So Busy Trying To Impeach Clinton (oliverwillis.com)
- Gingrich: “I Only Regret That I Have but Three Wives to Lose for My Country” (slog.thestranger.com)
- GOP Doesn’t Care About Newt Gingrich’s Tawdy Personal Life…He’s EXCITING (businessinsider.com)
- The Eye of a Newt (zwingliusredivivus.wordpress.com)
- The Passion of the Newt (latinone.wordpress.com)
- Newt Gingrich: Sorry for the confusing presidential announcement… (shortformblog.tumblr.com)
- Chris Matthews Suggests Newt Gingrich’s Hand Gestures Are Religious (mediaite.com)