Stephen Colbert coined the phrase Truthiness, defined as “a truth that a person claims to know intuitively from the gut or because it feels right without regard to evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or facts.” Based on that definition “reality” television shows even stretch that broad definition to something closer to realitiness, “the relative reality based on colorful characters and stupid premises without regard for the relative reality of either.” Or something like that.
WASHINGTON (AP) – President Barack Obama performed an annual Thanksgiving tradition on Wednesday by pardoning a pair of turkeys named Apple and Cider.
The two 45-pound birds who got a new lease on life, were selected from a group of 25 turkeys during a competition “that involved strutting their stuff before a panel of judges, with an eclectic mix of music playing in the background,” Obama said. “We were hoping for Bristol Palin as the first choice, but the voting seems to have been rigged,” Obama chuckled in high spirits. “Besides, I’d never pardon her anyway.”
Despite the good luck of the fowl, the event was marred by Tea Party activists from around the country. The protesters, many dressed in pilgrim attire to honor the holiday, held signs saying, “Eat the Damned Bird You Commie!”, “Go Ahead and Eat IT! You’re the Top of the Food Chain!”, and “Drive the Muslin Turkkey [sic] Birds Out!”. One protester held high a sign saying, “Evolution is a Crock! Dinoturkeys Ain’t Real”.
While the protest seemed to lack a central focus, many Tea Party members expressed outrage on the legitimacy of a pardon to turkeys that they charge were raised at Muslim madrases in Pakistan.
“Pardoning these birds is nothing but the first step toward death panels,” one protester who declined to identified said. “The Messiah there is a complete moran [sic]. There he goes wasting big old birds that could feed a family of 90. I don’t care if them fambilies [sic] are trying to get by on a $1.35 a month. To hell with those damned lazy gold-brickers. Give me the damned turkey, I work for a living! Poor people don’t pay a god*damned penny in taxes! I say beat the commie scum with a drumstick until they bleed gravy.”
Other protesters also questioned the birth origin of the pardoned fowl.
“Everybody knows the Obamanation is a Kenyan commie. We done asked repeatedly where he keeps his birth certificate and he never has produced one and neither has one of his filthy birds,” said Jed Pickens who traveled from Branson, MO to attend the rally. “That Orly Taitz lady is right. He ain’t fit to be the President and those turkeys ain’t fit for an American table.”
Mary Hottalot of Front Royal, VA agreed. “Obviously these ain’t American birds like the proud eagle and wholesome hootie owl. Nope, these are foreign agents working undercover for a Muslim power. Is it a coincidence they call them turkeys? I don’t think so. They birds are most definitely birds direct from Turkey, which I’ll have you know, is a Muslim country.”
Seth Foreman, a plumber from Pulaski, VA said, “I heard those Muslim birds just up and flew into the Twin Towers -well more like walked real fast into the lobby on account of them not being able to fly. You can’t trust them. They just aren’t Christian birds, like your chickens or your starlings. They’re big. They can carry a buttload of C4”
Some protesters were upset at changes in the ceremony introduced by the Obama administration after the Bush administration’s departure.
“This was a sober ceremony back in the day,” said Zeke Knight, a farmer from South Carolina. “Why, that Mr. Bush treated these birds right. While Obama just lets them off the hook without a military tribunal or nothing, Bush had a solid avian policy. He knew how to handle dangerous Islamoturkey killers.”
“By God, Bush lined them all up in a row and a real Vice President, Dick Cheney, bit the heads off and burned them in a big bonfire. We liked to call it cleansing by the fires of Hell,” Knight said. “Sometimes he got a little sloshed and took potshots at them too.”
Tea Party Draws ‘Substantial’ Crowd
White House officials estimated the crown at no more then 10. Tea Party spokespeople characterized the crowd as slightly larger, based on estimates provided by Fox News. “We had 200,000, maybe even a million people here. We would have gotten more, but the backyard of this place is pretty small and we couldn’t get anyone else in,” said Heather Haskell Director of Disinformation at the Rupert Murdock School of Journalism at Regent University.
White House officials said the crowd was mostly orderly, although there was an $879 bill for the clean up of RC Cola bottles and Moon Pie wrappers strewn on the lawn near the Rose Garden.
“And don’t raise my taxes to pay for picking up the mess either,” said a departing protester firing a parting shot. “Me and those business bigwigs deserve a big tax cut for putting up with such shenanigans as these.”
The pardoned fowl left the ceremony in a limousine provided by meat and poultry processor Foster Farms. The birds answered no questions as ‘bodyguards’ held the assembled media at bay with what appeared to be semi-automatic hatchets.
The telephone at the birds’ shared coup went unanswered later in the afternoon, prompting one anonymous White House official to speculate something ominous may have happened to the plump and juicy birds.
- You: At White House, President Obama’s pardons prevent turkeys’ ‘shellacking’ (washingtonpost.com)
- Obama pardons Thanksgiving turkey (bbc.co.uk)
- Turkeys ride looks, charm to White House; they won’t be gobbled (cnn.com)
- Obama Pardons Turkeys – but Not People (cbsnews.com)
- Turkeys more worthy of Obama’s mercy than humans (shortformblog.com)
Proof the Darwinism Does Too Exist
- I thought I already knew enough about piss. Clearly, I was wrong.
- Caution, master thespians at work.
- Honest officer. I was only doing 100 mph in a 25 mph zone. Can’t we just overlook it as a youthful mistake this time?
- Now I can see why Bristol Palin makes big buckage on the speaking circuit.
- Remember, the safe phrase is, “Get those goddamn handcuffs off me you kinky bitch!”
- “Turn left at the next corner. Go straight for 1.3 miles. Do not merge with traffic.“
- Kids hitting each other in the balls is just what little pricks kids do.
- The name’s Bieber, Justin Bieber and he really brings out the freakily delusional.
- Saucin’ up the old burrito hole.
- Grim Eater terrorizes funerals. Feasts on 3-day old cold tuna casserole, deli-trays, and fruit arrangements.
- So that’s where all my missing socks end up.
- PFFT! BP can’t hold a candle to the Great Boston Molassacre.
- The makers of Viagra made an unfortunate typo in their, “call your doctor if you have an erection lastin more than four hours” warning. It turns out there’s a big difference between 4 and 27.
- One hundred reasons why parents should take a proficiency exam before the baby is born.
Time for Crime
- Taylor soon found out that cage fighting was anything but fake. Wrestling? Not so much.
- Ashley Simpson I hereby sentence you to the maximum fine of $7 329.
- So who knew that trimming the old twig and berries while driving would be a crime? Then again, he was all slick and smooth for his next date.
- In my day, you’d get a swirly for doing something like that.
- In a virtually stunning virtual crime wave, virtual thieves made off with virtually €840 worth of virtual furniture, virtually.
- Fergie is Fergilicious – for $100 and change a night.
- He may be a criminal, but you have to give him props for being efficient. How many thieves bring the witnesses with them to get arrested?
- Wow, airport security is tight in India. They even prevent fliers from flying.
- Quiet everyone, James is going for the never-before attempted triple splooge with a half twist into a doggie-style money shot. It will be magnificent if he makes it.
- Apparently not clear on the concept of burn treatment, police sprayed the man with pepper spray instead of cooling him down.
- It was a clear case of “poopstaken” identity.
- Amanda brought new meaning to the saying, got him by the balls.
Time for ‘This Week in Japan’
- It’s true that bathing toads in meth isn’t normal, but it’s the quickest way to sanitize them before eating them for lunch.
- Great! Jerky of the living dead.
- Is it stupid? Yes. Is it weird? Not in Japan.
- Early experiments with 3D porn didn’t go far after the skinny guy was doing the BBW and fell in.
Free Market Capitalism at Its Worst
- At first it seemed like a really bad idea, but after wearing whale puke on a hot day, Jenny found it had a not unpleasant odor.
- Huzzah for Benign Girl!
- Chicken shit for $3.99 each or $3 for $10. I wonder if that’s for the jumbo turds or the small runny plops.
- More proof that Bruce Willis is this century’s most important actor.
- What’s next, SmellyVision™?
- Barbie was not as squeaky clean as her reputation would suggest.
- Dammit! They’re action figures. Not dolls.
- Well knock me down with a diamond-encrusted dog rocket.
Stuff That’s Odd, But Not Nearly Odd Enough for Ripley’s
- “Damn comnist terrists.” (Dave Away From Home)
- Until reading a little more closely, it became apparent that The Cross-Country Underwear Drive wasn’t some sort of Canadian Cannonball Run.
- I loves me that old school disco music.
- Now Hollywood has taken to making remakes of remakes.
- “I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!”
- Let’s give it up for Snoop Hammy Ham!
- Thanks for nothing Lisa Marie, Debbie, Germaine, Jackie, Tito, Randy, Marlon, La Toya, Rebbie, Janet – and especially you Dad. Wooo hooo.
- Dr. Who travels through time, isn’t LSD just another kind of “trip”?
- Boobie Girl is the true story of how Heidi Montag grew up to have huge boobs, date a certified douchebag, and be famous for being famous.
- The first sign that couples therapy isn’t working is when the therapist just says, “Oh, go ahead and do it to get it out of your system.”
- Can you not hear me now?
- I’m not sure if she’s too hot to be a banker, but I would’ve definitely enjoyed it more when the banks screwed us.
- BWAWK! Polly wanna Wabo Cabo margarita, blended, light salt, hold the lime.
- Good God, it’s the end of the Google as we know it.
- There’s a fine line between genius and “postulating your wiener“.
- When life hands you shit, make a shit sandwich.
- Right vs. left.
- Even superheroes can have a bad day.
Robots: Ya Can’t Live With ‘Em, Ya Can’t Live Without ‘Em
- Sander gradually took his robot fetish just a wee bit too far.
- Never let your robot play without his jox strap.
- Hey, whaddaya mean Costume of Doom?
- More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
- Michael Jackson’s Sister: We Miss His Money Him So Much (people.com)
- What’s Up With Breasts In the US? (man-over-board.com)
- Heidi Montag Says No To Plastic (VIDEO) (huffingtonpost.com)
- Bristol Palin Wants To See Levi Johnston’s Money (justjared.buzznet.com)
- Heidi MOntag’s New Body Still Sweats of the Day (drunkenstepfather.com)
- What is the appeal of Justin Bieber? (timesunion.com)
- Maker Of Bieber-Removing App Gets Death Threats [Kids Today] (jezebel.com)
- Justin Bieber took off to ‘secret show’ following ‘Today’ appearance (atomiurl.com)
- How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight? (stustake.com)
- Bieber Begging Begins (momblognetwork.com)
- Justin Bieber Fans Skip Prom, Drive For Days To Watch Him On ‘Today’ (mtv.com)
- Justin Bieber erased from existence (guardian.co.uk)