INTRIGUE AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE - My conversation with Donald Trump
OK, I admit it. I’m not a US citizen. I’ll never be President. I’ll be a permanent member of the no-fly list and my phone will be constantly bugged. Jan Brewer will kick me out of the country because I have no papers proving who I am or where I was born. I’m very disappointed to find I’m some sort of exotic, white “anchor baby“.
Note to self: Avoid Arizona.
Now I know what it’s like to be Barack Hussein Obama – if that is indeed his real name.
Family legend says I was born in Elkins, WV. But sorting through my personal papers I was unable to find a real birth certificate bearing the imprint of Orly Taitz‘s signet ring in wax. In fact, I don’t even have a pitiful “Certificate of Live Birth” like Obama’s. All I have is a scrap of paper looking as though it’s been ripped from a ship’s log. All it says is, “A kid was born just off the coast of Somalia during our last pirate takeover. Don’t know his name. Not sure of the date, but it wasn’t long ago. But this is all the proof he needs to show he was actually born. He’ll probably grow up to be a liberal communist anyway.” It was signed and Ensign Hikaru Hussein Sulu.
WASHINGTON – In a move shockingly similar to anti-government protests in Tunisia and Egypt, demonstrators have forcibly taken over a telephone booth in Washington’s Lafayette Park to demand Barack Obama step down as President of Kenya.
Early reports indicate the protest turnout swelled a dramatic 33% as Sarah Palin joined fellow protesters Orly Taitz and Michele Bachmann in their crusade. In an effort to clamp down on the protest, the Kenyan Communications Ministry cut service to the phone booth, severing the trio’s access to the outside world. Access to Fox News has also been cutoff within the boundaries of the park and the cell phone batteries of the protest organizers were dead.
Left with no other means of communication, protest leader Orly Taitz attempted to hand-deliver a list of demands to the White House. However, she was driven away from the White House gates by the Obama family‘s Portugese Water Dog, Bo.
Chemical Attack Threat
Taitz claimed the dog had launched a chemical attack against her, but laboratory analysis of the liquid that came in contact with Taitz’s leg revealed the “chemical” was nothing more than odoriferous, but harmless, dog urine.
Taitz, Bachmann, and Palin called a news conference to explain their demands shortly after noon.
“We demand Barack Obama step down as President of Kenya,” Taitz said. “It’s clear that not only does Mr. Obama have no valid US birth certificate, he has no Kenyan birth certificate either.”
A pool reporter from Brietbart News asked if the women were aware that Obama is not the current President of Kenya.
“No I didn’t, but that don’t matter because you can betcha he’s not the President of North America either,” Palin said. “Lookit here, I can see Nairobi from my front porch and he’s always in there messin’ around with all the other executive branch activists. Everbody knows this misuncertainism surrounding Obama is nothing more than a lamestream media scam to attract attention away from me.”
“By the way, I’m not saying I’m not running in 2012, but I am…not running, that is. I might even run for President of Kenya too. It can’t be that hard if Nobama can do it,” Palin added.
Bachmann was quietest if the three, offering little directly related to the protest. However, she did seem to have her own agenda.
The ‘Usurper Obama’
“That whole business out in Cairo, Illinois the other day is just symptamatic of the socialist’s hold over our America. With the usurper Obama in power, we know and can prove every right-thinking, God-terrorized person in America will be rounded up and put into a FEMA-run concentration camp,” she explained.
“I had expected to become Speaker of the House when Republicans took power away from the Democrats, but Kenyan agents of the Obama legion messed with my calendar and I missed the voting,” Bachmann screeched. “So now that I don’t have anything to do, I’m going to run for President in 2012 on the Kenyan Tea Party ballot.
The protesters were evasive when asked why they chose Washington as the site for a protest about events in another country.
“It was a small miscalculation on my part,” Palin said. “I thought the whole thing was about Obama being the non-President of the United Skates, so I bought tickets to Washington. Who knew Washington and Kenyan were different countries?
The White House has refused to make a comment about the protests.
DIAPERMAN – Vitter needs to look at himself before buying into rumor-mongers like the Birthers. That whole diaper fetish thing may come back to haunt him.
There are only a handful of people in Congress that can compare to Rep. Michele Bachman (R-WTFistan) for sheer, willful igrnorance and buffoonery, but right at the top of the short list has to be Sen. David Vitter (R-Asshatylvania).
Vitter answered a question from an Orly Taserer over the weekend about Barack Obama’s, “refusal to produce a valid birth certificate.” Rather than just saying “it’s already been settled” and rolling his eyes like any sane person, Vitter provided an answer as slick as Lousiana’s best BP crude. The answer simultaneously proved he knows the correct answer, is a-skeered of some his own inbred constituents, and has mastered the age-old technique of all charlatans – flinging guano at someone else so as not to get any on their own shoes.
No, he said he supports “conservative legal organizations and others who would bring that to court. I think that is the valid and most possibly effective grounds to do it.” In other words, “I ain’t sayin’ it’s true, but it’s a mighty interestin’ question.”
Is Vitter a Birther by Birth?
He provided some additional cover for himself by saying, “I think if we focus on that issue and let our eye off the ball … I think that’s a big mistake.” Which
BRING IN THE CLOWNS! - David Vitter apparently looks up to Orly Taitz as a paragon of sense and rationality.
is another way of saying, “I told ‘em harpin’ on the issue was a ‘big mistake’ (right after I told ‘em they should keep the rumor ball goin’).” And just to hedge his bets, his office isn’t returning calls to answer the direct question of whether he is a birther himself.
Pretty slick for a world-class idiot.
You’d think Vitter would shy away from fueling patently untrue rumors. He’s been a victim of them himself. But perhaps that’s giving the dunderdick more credit than he’s due.
A few years back, Mr. Family Values’ name came up on the client list of DC Madam, Deborah Palfrey. Almost immediately rumors began to spread that Mr. Vitter occasionaly stopped by Palfrey’s House of the Rising Republicans to partake in a little diaper play – presumably because Mrs. Vitter found him childish enough without being his sexual wet nurse too.
A Stance as Wide as All Outdoors
It was a believable enough rumor, I mean you could profile the guy like a zany senator with a stance so wide it spreads across two stalls in the pissoir. It just seemed like the sort of thing he’d do – which is precisely why Vitter had such a tough time putting the rumor to rest.
It really doesn’t matter whether he likes his nappies changed by a professional. It is, after all, personal behavior which is his own business, much like homosexual conduct is personal business (but that’s a whole other post). You’d think he’d remember how you can get sucked into rumors and have your reputation sullied by half denials and your opponents’ obfuscations.
Vitter could use some advice, so here it is:
People who live in rubber rooms shouldn’t throw stones.
‘NUFF SAID – You knew it was going to happen.
