Happy Birthday America!

• Closed for the Holidays - The only place in America that doesn’t hold a Fourth of July Sale.
• What’s Up With That Sarah? - Her resignation isn’t the only problem Caribou Barbie faces.
• Safe Fireworks - Hey, let’s be careful out there tonight.
• Dog Rockets - There’s nothing like some grilled wieners for the Fourth of July.

WTF?

• Why IE Really Sucks - No wonder IE is such a memory hog.
• Smells Like Ass - Margie got a new job as a product tester, but found she had low job satisfaction.
• Now There’s a Shocker - I’m waiting for the Mark Sanford tape myself.
• I Fart in Your General Direction - Pepe LePeu lives!
• A Buttload of Butts - And, there’s no ifs ands or butts about it. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
• Bachelor Number 3? - What do you do in your spare time?
• Low-Rent Bar Mitzvah - This guy really should’ve hired a more experienced mohel.
• AMI - The official organization of Simon Legree.
• New Release - Now, from the producers of Chariots of Fire and the Chicken Dance comes a new movie sure to be nominated for Best Picture of the Year.
• Real Estate Market Tanks - …and now we know why.
• Eye See You - The new procedure is recommended by the American Dental Association and The British Opthamology Institute.
• Extreme French Kissing - Scientists studying the condition confirmed that several of the young girls wore window shades in their mouth to control the problem.
• Dead Ho Walkin’ - Sluttiness is next to Godliness.

Obligatory Japanese Posts

• Curiously Strong - I have at least five cups daily and I feel like WOWSA!
• They’re on a Roll - Toyota’s newest high mileage hybrid hits the market. They call it, “The Thinking Man’s Hybrid”.
• Blood on the Highways -  The Japanese driver’s education department released a new training video.

True Crime

• Peek-a-Boob - “But officer, I had to put it somewhere!”
• Marking His Territory - Thomas went to great lengths to piss Mabel off.
• Twitterless - After authorities confiscated William’s cellphone he was reduced to using something else to check his email.
• Bad Day at Jellystone - Yogi gets a bit cranky when Boo Boo is late with the pic-i-nic baskets.
• Alcatraz Escapee? - Police were caught a little red-faced over the criminal that stole their harbor patrol boat.
• Itsy Bitsy Spider - Spiderman cops to domestic abuse plea.
• 30 Days on the Country Jail Dairy Farm - Corn pone cow porn.
• Holy Sh*t! - It’s heart-warming to see a mother and daughter with such a tight bond.

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Rumors Fly About Palin’s ‘Iceberg Scandal’

  Sarah Palin Resigning as Alaska’s Governor

Sarah Palin, why do you hate America?

You’ve always been so pro-gun, anti-abortion, and drill-baby-drill supporting - you know, the traditional American values. How could you now - on the eve of this nation’s most sacred holiday - desecrate Old Glory by posing with it heaped unceremoniously on a bar stool?

Displaying your gorgeous diamond and ruby encrusted flag pins - from the QVC/Madeleine Albright collection for $15.95 per pound - has always been your patriotic hallmark, the front line of your fierce defense of the “Real America“.

I remember when you criticized that socialist pretender to the Presidency, Barak Hussein Obama, for not wearing his pin. You didn’t wince from controversy. When rabid left-wing lunatics pointed out that the world’s greatest leader, our dear President Mr. George W. Bush, sometimes went without his flag pin you laughed in their faces and reminded them you were a maverick.

How right you were.

You knew that if Obama became President he’d outlaw flags and have them brought to huge “inflammation” centers to be burned using recycled Fryolator grease from McDonalds.

I was a little upset when you literally wrapped yourself in our flag, but when I thought moe about it, I decided it was OK. After all, what would stylish mavericks wear if not our glorious, Godly, and triumphant banner?

But a bar stool Sarah? That’s the single most dangerous piece of furniture in a good tea-totalling, Christian  home.

WWJD?

I hope this desecration of our flag was completely the fault of Runners’ World magazine and their liberal mainstream media PhotoShopery. I still have faith in your maverickosity. Sarah, please do the right thing and display our flag correctly.

If not, I might need to tell Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck about you.

Related articles

• Running One Up the Flagpole (omnipotentpoobah.com)
• Dumb and dumber? (boston.com)
• Sarah Palin Defines Socialism Sideways (And The Rest Of Today’s Scritti Politti) (huffingtonpost.com)
• Karl Frisch: A Top Ten List for Letterman’s Conservative Critics (huffingtonpost.com)
• She’s getting worse (washingtonmonthly.com)
• ‘Fair and balanced’ (washingtonmonthly.com)
• Sarah Palin: No Longer Alaska’s Problem, Aspiring to Be America’s Problem (firedoglake.com)

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If only South Carolina’s Latin Lothario had taken an extra day writing bad poetry to his Latin lovebird, he might’ve been saved from the nail guns affixing his hide to the wall. Another 24 hours and the All Jacko, All the Time networks would’ve barely noticed he’d returned to speculation that he’d flown the coup for Nekid Backbacking Day on the Appalachian Trail.

What’s another governor caught with his hypocritical donger outside his pants? That’s not news. Now a donger with freakishly bad plastic surgery, a drug habit, and test tube babies dangling out of windows? That’s news baby! The kind that would’ve allowed Mark Sanford to sneak in under the news radar if only he’d returned a day late.

Unfortunately, he had the bad luck of returning from Tangoland straight into the arms of reporters pestering him with questions about where the hell he’d gone walkabout for the past week. True to form, Sanford’s initial story - as crazy and entertainingly refreshing as it might’ve been - was only the first act in a protracted drip drop of misinformation and criticism.

First, many politicians and assorted guardians of the public morals took time out from schtupping their maids to condemn the poor love-struck bastard as a hypocrite who must resign to save the Republic.

He refused, and rightfully so.

He needn’t explain his behavior to the likes of Larry Craig nor David Vitter nor, omigod, Lindsey Graham. It’s a personal matter between him and a wife who’d already kicked his lying ass to the curb. If a person wants to conduct a pouting bi-hemispherical schoolboy love affair, who are we to condemn him?

But shortly after his rambling and impassioned mea culpa the usual messy baggage started to ooze out of his cover story.

It seems the affair wasn’t just that one time. And, maybe he had (or hadn’t) billed the state for his travel. Ducking his security force was a no-brainer as was his “liberation” of a state vehicle to get to the Atlanta airport. And perhaps that whole leaving the state without telling the Lt. Governor thing was, ahem, bad form.

He’s steadily resisted resignation, which is a sure bet to give the story Betty Grable legs. In the latest twist, armchair psychiatrists are Bill Fristing diagnoses of his mental health. A possible hormonal imbalance. Maybe obsessive compulsive disorder. Hell, the guy might even be a full-scale manic depressive, schizophrenic sociopath with anorexic tendencies!

Or maybe just as stupid as your average tree stump.

(more…)

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Hip Hop Nation

• Now a Tribute - Let’s all take a moment to soak in the enormity of his passing.
• Bachelor No. 2 - If I was a loofah, what would you do with me?
• Ho’s and Bitches - Don’t be go gettin’ all up in my grille.
• MC Apollo 13 - What else are retired astronauts supposed to do?
• Late Night at the Biggie Smalls Burger - Apparently, Jim and Frank spent too long hanging around the fryolator.
• Let’s Give it Up for MC Hurricane! - I think his stage presence is a little lacking. Could I, perhaps, offer him my favorite pair of parachute pants?
• Kick It Old Skool! - I love rap when it comes straight from the ‘hood - raw, powerful, dangerous.

Obligatory Japanese Posts

• It Hurts So Good - There nothing like a dentist trained in the finer points of pain management.
• Baristas, Your Time Grows Nigh - I’ll have the half-calf double mochachino with just a sprinkle of lubricating oil.
• At Least It’s Not a Robot - Curious George and the case of the curiously big balls.
• Batter Cut! - Chop batter, batter…CHOP!
• Rub My Belly - The grin isn’t the only big thing on this little fella.

WTF?

• You Light Up My Life - Yet another reason why friends don’t let friends Twitter.
• The Eyes of Texas Were Upon You - Don’t mess with Texas (strip clubs).
• Fire in the Head! - Oops, hole.
• They’re No Einsteins -  It’s a San Francisco thing.
• Reverse Cowgirl - She’s a little thin for my tastes, but whatever gets you through the storm I guess.
• She’s My Main Squeeze  - “Buckle up for safety, buckle up. Buckle up for safety everybody buckle up…”
• Faster Pussycat, Kill…Kill - Right after we knock these off, let’s see if we can do smoething about the upside down punctuation in Spanish!
• No Roswell? - Crop circles solved, because you’re always smarter when you’re high.
• Chicken Soup for the Insane - The soup seemed to help Lin Zongxiu’s daughter, but it sadly did little for her.
• RIP Michael Jackson - My tribute to the King of Pop. And just to make sure the going away party is a hit, we’ll throw in the pimped out ride for free.
• All Roads Lead to Crapville - If I hadn’t seen the German, I would have sworn this was a No Sumo Crapping zone.
• Kalssy, With a K - The bridal party decided to spare no expense for the reception.
• Piss Off - Rupiah, take heart. It could have been shoes.
• Not for the Squeamish -  This reminds me of the time I pushed my Grandfather’s outhouse over the side of a hill…with him still in it. (Yes, it is true)

(more…)

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Citation: Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann linking the 2010 US census to Japanese internment camps.

Some would say awarding a Looney Award to Michele Bachmann is like kicking a quadriplegic whilst they’re down. I suppose there’s some truth to that, but she always makes it so damned easy.

Bachmann, once best known as a George W. Bush extreme groupie, regularly puts her foot firmly in mouth. Apparently, the Minnesota Moron has withstood one too many harsh winters and suffers from an advanced case of fear frostbite.

In April, Bachmann feared Obama-created re-education camps for the politically incorrect, saying, “I believe that there is a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service. And the real concerns [sic] is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums.”

Given her savvy about politically incorrect statements she may be the first to go should it come to that. “You be da bitch Michele.”

This time around she thinks completing the census will reserve her an all expenses paid trip to a 1940’s era Japanese style internment camp. She plans to release nothing more than her address for this census and bravely risk a $5000, $100, or fill in the blank fine for her conservative courage. A fine that has never been levied as far as anyone can tell.

This tragedy will befall the country because housing advocacy group ACORN  will handle some of the data collection. Michele has an inordinate fear of ACORN, believing them responsible for losing the election for Norm Coleman and various other atrocities too numerous to mention.

In fairness, ACORN was investigated for voter registration fraud at the behest of Republicans, but only a single person was found guilty - not unlike the conviction of a GOP-led business owner for similar misconduct. In fact, the state of Missouri had to pay ACORN for a failed suit against them.

Bachmann further embarrassed herself by claiming the Census Bureau will not count illegal aliens. Being somewhat of a stranger to facts, Bachmann might be forgiven for not knowing that right-wing news service CNS News quoted the acting director of the census as saying, “Our job is to count everyone that resides in the US - count them once. So, certainly that’s our goal to count every individual, every resident whether they’re documented, undocumented, whether they are citizens or non-citizens.

Ms. Bachmann, keep up the good work. With friends like you, the Republicans don’t need any enemies.

Related articles

• Michelle Malkin ” Sign the ACORN petition (dequalss.com)
• Sensible People to Michele Bachmann: Seriously? [Clips] (gawker.com)
• Yeah, she’s a keeper - like a 3 pound walleye (firedoglake.com)
• The Spectacular Gullibility Of Michele Bachmann (huffingtonpost.com)
• Paul Slansky: This Preposterous Week In Review: Michele Bachmann, Mel Gibson, And Chickens! (huffingtonpost.com)
• Barney Frank, Michele Bachmann Face Off Over ACORN Funding (VIDEO) (huffingtonpost.com)

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When the Speechmaster General took office in February, Washington buzzed with a new watchword – bipartisanship. That buzz lasted about as long as a diseased honeybee before being swallowed whole by the cacophony that passes for public discourse in this country.

Bipartisanship only works when both sides are equally willing to work together on common problems. Apparently, the best the US can muster is a sort of anti-bipartisanship where the only thing both sides can agree on is that the other is a dangerous group of treasonous pootieheads.

Today, American bipartisanship consists of Democrats half-heartedly asking the opposition to put their two cents worth in. The Republicans almost invariably respond with a simple no or a hydra-headed, massively complex, ear-bending HELL NO!

I suppose we should expect this. The Democrats were out of power for so long they forgot that when the opposition is intractable, the majority needs to grow a pair and move on without them. If not, everything grinds to a halt.

For their part, the Republicans have lost the portion of their little pea brains that tells them there are consequences to elections. They still adhere to the Nancy Reagan policy of just saying no – loud enough that St. Ronnie can hear them in the next dimension.

The latest demonstration comes courtesy of Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Bugtussle). When asked what would constitute a bipartisan position on the health care debate, he said dropping all healthcare taxes and having no government option. Since those are the two major underpinnings of the Democratic plan, the Grasser might just as well continued, “…and Barrack Obama can bend over and toss the salad in my ample, corn fed ass.”

If that’s bipartisanship, it must discount quite a few points. Points like polls showing the majority of the country wants a government option plan for which quite a few would gladly pay additional taxes. It flies in the face of the oft-repeated saw that Government = Incompetence while Private Sector = Milk and Manna. Absent Wall Street’s powerfully awful demonstration of the virtues of privateerism, his position even contradicts his own statements. To whit, private enterprise can always whip the government’s ass in mano a mano competition warfare.

Word to Grasser and the Gang. Bipartisanship means you work with the Dems. And while you work with them, remember they’re the ones who get to break the ties or go over objections they see as too objectionable. You can whine about that, or try to make a difference. That’s what happens when you lose. That’s why they say:

There are consequences to elections. Dems rule. You drool. It sucks to be you.

Related articles

• Americans Would Like Some Health Care Reform (oliverwillis.com)
• Once Opposed to ‘Forcing’ Americans to Get Health Insurance, President Obama Now Says His Thinking Has ‘Evolved’ (blogs.abcnews.com)
• The Obamacare Show: Two dissenting docs challenge Dear Leader (michellemalkin.com)
• Robust Health Care Reform is the Moment of Truth for Obama and the Democrats (tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com)
• David Westin: My Response To House Republicans’ Criticism Of Our Upcoming Health Care Special (huffingtonpost.com)
• Frank Rich: Obama’s Make-Or-Break Summer (huffingtonpost.com)
• Poll Shows Most Americans Want Public Health Care (themoderatevoice.com)

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I’ve never understood why someone would take up dictaitoring as a profession. Careers are short and retirements abrupt in the extreme. If you’re lucky you may live large for a few years, but your typical 401k with Idi Amin Funds usually pays off in extraordinarily painful death or imprisonment.

The truly amazing thing is that most dictators are sublimely inept. They seize power through a coup or a ghastly sort of professional networking in which they find all the most brain-damaged and sadistic f*cks from across their country and somehow cajole them into eating crumbs while the erstwhile Father of the Country eats gold-leaf ice cream off the navel of a nubile virgin with every meal.

The Ayatollah Ass-a-Hola
Iran’s Ayatollah Ass-a-Hola is a case in point. He muffed the election rigging by reporting vote tallies within 2 hours after the polls closed - in a country where all the ballots are paper - not that we’ve done much better with our fancy punch cards and dangling chads mind you.

He followed that by admitting there were more votes than voters. What the hell kind of self-respecting dictator admits anything?! Come on! Saddam used to routinely get 99% of the vote - except for that 100% tally in his last year. That’s narrowly below Bush’s win in Florida. Now THAT’S voter fraud!

Finally, the ‘Tollah completely misjudged the people over which he holds such sway. Unlike fly-by-night American protests, the Tehran protests were real Million Man Marches. There were hordes of ordinary citizens Twittering the fear of Allah into him and for a few days he was distracted by actual matters of state.

When he finally came to his senses, he decided to go with his strength - his brute strength. He strong-armed the populace. He killed some and beat a few. He disappeared others. He even threw in some broken bones, just to make the point that he was one holy man who shan’t be trifled with. He has Allah on speed dial, and don’t you forget it.

The Bloodiest Show on Earth
But dictators are as much showmen as brutal crapweasels with a taste for blood. Sometimes they have such a dramatic flair you’d swear it was Richard Simmons prancing about under that beard. When it comes to Ringmasters, the Grand Ass-a-Hola may be the master.

Nineteen-year old Kaveh Alipour was gunned down Saturday. When his family made arrangements to retrieve his body, the Ayatollah’s henchmen devised a clever way to twist a rusty knife into the family’s wounds - a $3000 “bullet fee” to cover the expenses of the security forces.

Imagine the labor costs to install those parts in the boy’s body.

The elder Alipor negotiated for a discount or excuse from the fee on the basis of being an Iraq/Iran war vet. Surprisingly, the vicious thugs actually gave in and waived the fee - if the Alipors agreed not to hold services nor bury the young man in Tehran.

Imposing the ‘Ultimate Fee’
It’s horrendous to maim and kill people simply because they think you’re an imbecile. It’s a particularly bitter act of inhumanity to have done this. My first impulse in hearing about this kind of treatment is to hunt that fuzzy-bearded bastard down like the cur he is and charge him the “ultimate fee” - with extreme prejudice. But luckily, there are those with more discretion than me.

Those holding the keys of power have to think of something other than blood lust. They must think of the millions of other Kaveh Alipors who’ll be squashed between very big rocks and very big hard places by a fight between two guys who’ll never get a scratch in a bloody conflict between two politicians - one who is moderately more successful and human and one who wouldn’t know humanity if it rose up en masse and Twittered the worthless bastard to death.

There are times when I’m tempted to worry about my own country, but at its worst, it’s better than the best days in the Land of the Insane. It’s achingly frustrating, but I’m glad we’re holding our powder right now. No good for anyone, especially the Iranians, will come of war now. I just hope our current Messiah-in-Chief is smarter than his lunkheaded predecessor.

If not, the price of bullets will rise to considerably more than $3000 and the protests will all be in the village square in the City of the Dead.

Related articles

• Iran Update: They Called Her #Neda (thenewnixon.org)
• Math Is Hard…Iran’s Guardian Council Says More People Voted Than Were Eligible In 50 Cities (minx.cc)
• Iranian police break up fresh Tehran protest (cbc.ca)
• Mousavi Pushes For Iran Protests Amid Deaths (news.sky.com)
• Iran Admits Discrepancies in 3 Million Votes (nytimes.com)
• ‘Several Killed’ In Iran Election Protests (news.sky.com)

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True Crime

Piss Proud - It’s truely heartening when a man displays his junk so proudly.

Be Prepared - I sense expensive therapy in this lad’s future.

Road Rage - You should see what she does when she gets stuck behind a funeral parade.

Japan, Nation of Robots

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 1 - Rosey the Maid was finally upgraded to Rosey 2.0.

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 2 -The Japanese Barbie.

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 3 - With friends like these, who needs more?

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 4 - Sometimes the Japanese show just how unclear on the concept they really are.

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 5 - What good is a robot if it isn’t nonsensical?

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 6 - Sometimes the Japanese get a little carried away by the robots.

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 7 - It’s strange there’s apparently no Japanese word for banana.

Obligatory Japanese Post No. 8 -  I didn’t know Krispy Kreme had opened a store in Japan.

Scatology

Holy Sh*t - Don’t tase him bro, the smell will be awful!

That Can’t Be Good - At least it landed in the bathroom.

Good to Know - Tiny didn’t like the facial treatments, but she did have to admit her skin had a healthy glow.

Products

Sweet CEO Ride - Executive compensation has gotten way out of control.

Coolest Product Evah - It comes in handy when swimming in the beer tank at the county fair too.

Eat Hearty My Friends - Judith couldn’t wait for the launch of Deep Fried Pickle on a Stick.

Now, From Ronco! - Attention: Please do not put asswipes in the toilet.

It’s All in the Name -There’s nothing like the taste of a cool bottle of Pee Cola on a hot day.

Slash and Burn - Just the thing for that cute psychotic in your lie.

Buzzzzz - Nancy liked her old dildo, but it was time to take it take it up a notch.

For All the Commonsewers Out There - Workers at McDonalds discovered a great new product purely by accident when a burger accidentally dropped into a can of McGriddle paste.

Good Taste/Bad Taste - Proving once again, that people can be way weird in the privacy of their own pants.

A Wonderful Travel Gadget - I bought mine on Sky Mall.

(more…)

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Citation: The Obama Justice Department’s rationale for defending the Bush/Cheney policy of keeping White House visitor logs under wraps.

One of the things voters audaciously hoped during last winter’s campaign was that President Care Bear would roll back some of the damage done to the Constitution by his predecessor, Looney Award Hall of Famer, George Bush. But so far he’s acted with all the spine of a jellyfish in a Jell-O mold.

Gays in the military? “Uh, we’re not quite ready to write a one page executive order to stop that yet. God fearing heterosoldiers and girlie men can’t shower together you know.”

Gay marriage? “Um, no, that’s the province of pedophiles and other deviants. We’ll be defending the Defense of Marriage Act for some inexplicable reason, thankyouverymuch.”

Gitmo? “Close it, but let’s leave all the other rendition palaces open just in case we need them later.”

Wiretapping? “Obviously, we’re not doing enough of it. We already missed three emails and a Tweet from Ahmadeniwhosie.”

Torture? “It’s a bad, bad thing, but we wouldn’t want to offend anyone with pictures of it. Someone might get the idea that we actually did it or something.”

Obama’s Justice Department is defending the Big Dick’s refusal to release his visitor logs. Dick always used the argument that he needed to keep them secret so people would give him honest, open advice (snork!) He apparently fears confusing what a lobbyist tells him with what a sentient being tells him.

Nevertheless, that rationale just wasn’t asinine enough.

Justice department legal beagles (sorry no insult to dogs intended) now say future Asshats and Vice Asshats might be a-skeered if political opponents or comedians taunted them. Just ask Sarah Plain about the horror of errant comedy.

So, as DoJ shyster Jeffery Smith so surrealistically put it, “If we become a fact-finder for political enemies, they (the aforementioned Constitutional asshats) aren’t going to cooperate. I don’t want a future VP to say (he’s) not going to cooperate because (he) doesn’t want to be fodder for the Daily Show.”

Viva la Unconstitutional Monarchy! Long live the Crapweasels!

Obama Department of Injustice - saaaaalute!

Related articles

• Mayors of LA and SF blast Obama over DOMA hate brief (americablog.com)
• Gay rep. Jared Polis “outraged” by Obama anti-gay DOMA brief, says Obama blew off his concerns (americablog.com)
• White House Says Obama Taking “Bold Action” on Benefits for Same Sex Partners (blogs.abcnews.com)
• The Choice to Defend DOMA, and Its Consequences (americablog.com)
• WSJ covers DOMA hate-brief controversy, DOJ says it will file more briefs defending law Obama onced called “abhorrent” (americablog.com)
• While Defending It in Court, White House Vows to Repeal Defense of Marriage Act (usnews.com)

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The Times They Aren’t A-Changin’

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