A NIGHT TO LAST FOREVER - And I though my 1973 electric blue, crushed velvet tux was something special.

God Stuff

• Later, the church invented the Holy Day of Christ’s Nose Blow Miracle.
• Why is God wearing jeans?
• My God can whip your God, but only if the old testament dude isn’t the one on the fight card.
• Millie thought it was a miracle until she found out she was looking at the entree at a spaghetti feed for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
• If God is really in our brain, how come complete idiots sometimes believe in God?
• God hates signs, but not nearly as much as he hates Westboro Baptist Church.
• When did the Super Bowl become so politicized?

Proof  Capitalists Don’t Know What the Hell They’re Doing

• Makers said there was even a dutch oven cooking method involving diners putting the pouches in their anal cavities.
• Somehow, this commercial doesn’t make me want to go out and have someone jab me a zillion times with a sharp-ass needle.
• I wonder if you could take this off your taxes?
• I’m thinking these won’t sell well in the projects where they have ample supplies of rats anyway.
• It’s the perfect gift for that special someone who has all the perception of your average tree stump.
• A Right to Life group unveils “proof” that God wants you to carry your unborn child by tying him to your vagina with yarn.

Crime Waves of the Moronic

• The worst part was that Michelle still ended up with a ticket for loitering.
• The dogs were OK with it, as long as Carla wore a bag over her head.
• It’ wouldn’t have been so bad if the stuff had been fresh and warm.
• Well in the cop’s defense, he had just eaten a jelly donut and needed something to wash it down.
• Are you happy to see me or are those 75 bottles of lotion in your pants?

There Are a Billion Stories on the Naked Internet…These are Only 14 of Them

• Billy was hysterical when he learned Mom had thrown out his comic book collection. His first edition copy of Amputee Love was worth a fortune.
• There’s the pitch and…oooo, a swing and a miss.
• Republican leaders introduced their proposal for dental work during the debate over health care last week.
• All in all, the Obama administration’s “shovel ready” infrastructure projects are creative and provide jobs to divers, tailgaters, and laundry wenches.
• It became evident early on that Billy was a world-class band nerd.
• I’d say, “my condolences” in Bo, but no one knows how to speak it any more.
• These cubies may be “amazing”, but you still feel like a meerkat hiding from a wildebeest when you stand up and look around.
• The Oakland County sheriff’s department said, “After consuming an unknown quantity of alcohol, he constructed a device out of a motorcycle muffler and pipe.” Alcohol? What tipped you off, sheriff?”
• Yes, they are “rubbish” if by rubbish you mean unsanitary crap piles.
• The Cyrus family always took great pride in their contributions to the rich fabric of American society.
• The speech was just goin’ dandy til Sarah mistook her hand for the teleprompter don’tcha know? Wink, wink, wave.
• As plastic surgery goes, being a Jessica Alba clone isn’t so bad.
• Some people’s generosity knows no bounds.
• Uber-nerdity.

Robot: From the Czech Word Robata

• Sure, it’s a bit crude, but if it gets you the tickets, “what the hell?”
• We may not being going to the moon, but by God, Rosie the Robot is within our grasp!
• If these are the visions of the future I don’t want to go on. I already got burned by that whole Jetson’s flying car thing.
• The robot firefighter was a good idea except for the materials they used to make it.

The Jiggly Bits

• As soon as David Vitter heard the news, he immediately reacted by saying, “What’s up with this ban? Former bestiality practitioners will immediately join NAMBLA and start abusing the youngsters of America.”
• It’s a great Valentine Day promotion, but act now – reservations are going fast.
• Fer god sakes Melvin, get your mind out of the gutter table saw.
• Patrick Swazye returns from the grave to film this unique sequel to his hit movie, Ghost.
• “Oh, I say. Could you pul-eeze keep the noise down just a smidge. It is interfering with my science project.”

Made in Japan

• Audiences loved the machines until they found out they were all props from the Broadway play Starlight Express.
• Taxi! Taxi!

Related articles

• More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
• Ollie North On What Happens If Gays Are Allowed To Serve Openly In Military: ‘NAMBLA Members’ Are Next (thinkprogress.org)
• Nazi doctor Josef Mengele’s diary up for sale (telegraph.co.uk)
• David Beckham unveils new Jesus tattoo (thestar.com)
• Demon’s Souls swings the way you choose for V Day (destructoid.com)
• Delicious Spaghetti Monster (neatorama.com)
• FSM protect us! (blogs.discovermagazine.com)
• Pastafanarianism according to Havi Brooks (laf.ee)
• Artificially Intelligent Talking Sex Robot Unveiled for $7000 Only (taragana.com)
• Westboro Baptist Church Pickets Twitter: What’s It Like In Their Hateful Shoes? (trueslant.com)

DEEP THOUGHTS - Who knew that Iron Mike was such a deep and soulful thinker?

Well, Whadda Ya Gonna Do?

• The TSA is definitely not going to like this.
• Well of course she was run over. She used up all her luck on the lotto ticket.
• Jess finally found a career commensurate with her talents.
• Right after James swallowed the first bite he thought, “There oughta be a law…”.
• This whole health insurance thing is getting way out of hand. Still, she is kinda cute.

When Randomness Attacks!

• You heard it here first, Rush Limbaugh is secretly black. He loves fried chicken, eats watermelon, and can dance his baggy-assed, pissed off white man pants off!
• There’s a reason public service ads are given to TV stations for free.
• Friends don’t let friends go all Jersey Shore. Especially not as a naked Snookie.
• And now, carrying on the finest oratorical skills honed in a generation, LET’S…GIVE IT UP…FOR GEORGE W. BUSH!
• Psst, if you give her a ticket, remember to get a peek at her 5-hole.
• SURPRISE!
• If you think this is gross, wait until you see the airline food site. (Thanks to Dave Away From Home)
• Life, unhappy be thy name. (Thanks to Always Aroused Girl who’s sometimes NSFW)
• Clearly, Pokemon is not Japanese for “party animal“.
• I went to a hockey game and a fight broke out…well, more of a tiff really.
• Hey, they forgot about Big Bone Lick and Tit, Algeria?
• This is how Rush Limbaugh views women in the military.
• Dysfunctional Family Circus: I bet Daddy’s sleeping with Cathy too.
• HELP! Men are drowning in progesterone.
• Clearly this guy has been watching too many Starsky and Hutch reruns.
• As a DIY project, the homemade toupee made a better merkin than a wig.

And Some People Put Their Faith in the Private Sector

• They’re freshly made from the flanks of a Red Bull.
• Damn, you can only buy up to five. I was hoping for so much more.
• Sure you can buy them, if by “insane” you mean “insanely stupid“.
• Typical politician. He comes with kung fu jerk-off action grip.
• Yum, yum! Mom’s making Can O’ Meat slathered in Can O’ Sauce for dinner.
• And the best part is the car gets 35 miles per pint.
• It’s the perfect thing for drinking tea with your head cheese luncheon sandwiches. (Thanks to Tri-Ops)

The Naughty Bits

• Really? Is it just a goat for a blow job then?
• I always try to sing one of these myself, but sometimes it wakes up the neighbors.
• Hey, I just saw a display of these at the Focus on the Family convention.
• Betcha you can’t eat just one.
• Yertle was such a studly amphibian.
• Those crafty old biddies – so thaaaaat’s how they did it.
• They do the surgery to reduce them? I guess these 38DDs weren’t such a good thing then.
• I’m thinking this “prosti-dude” will be a passing fancy.

Criminal Jugheads on Parades

• How’s that not guilty plea on drunk driving with a Christmas tree charge working for you Rip? Really? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
• Cops hold charity barbecue – one injured.
• CSI Lancashire: “Somebody call Grissom out of retirement and ask him about these little wiggly white bugs.”

They’re Clever, They Just Have Problems Making Brakes

• No Hiromi, that tissue dispenser doesn’t make you look fat at all.

Make It So Mr. Data

• You know it’s bad when…the teacher has no soul.
• It’s time for the Annual Coolest Droid Awards.

Related articles

• More Randomness (omnipotentpoobah.com)
• Rush Limbaugh: ‘I Love The Women’s Movement, Especially When I’m Walking Behind It’ (VIDEO) (unaskedadvice.wordpress.com)
• Mr. Torn, will you please be my new grandpa? (trueslant.com)
• ‘C’-grade for ‘Rush Limbaugh the Musical’ (trueslant.com)
• Cable girl: Starsky and Hutch (guardian.co.uk)

RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE? - Many Christians are mightily agrieved when their right to practice religion as they see fit is questioned. From the looks of the Air Force Academy's newly installed "earth-centered religious prayer circle" some of them missed Sunday school when they covered "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Self Disclosure: I am an atheist and neither condemn nor support the Air Force Academy’s action. I just find it interesting.

The  Air Force Academy recently provided a worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids, and other Earth-centered religions and the event passed surprisingly quietly given the religious culture wars of our times. Atheists didn’t denounce it as a dagger to the heart of separation of church and state. Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly didn’t say that allowing Druids to celebrate evergreens was an assault on Christmas. Heck, even Pat Robertson hasn’t claimed blizzards in Colorado Springs are a punishment from God…yet.

Still, there’s always one in the crowd.

Robert Jeffress, pastor of Dallas’ First Baptist Church,  said, “to construct an outdoor space for the worship of pagan deities is an open invitation for God to send His harshest judgments against our nation.”

Jeffress’s main beef seems to be that the alternative worship area is a clear and present danger to “our nation” because it promotes idolatry.

“God has judged idolatry in the past through military invasions, earthquakes, a flood, and a mixture of fire and brimstone,” Jeffress warns. I partially agree. Different beliefs in different Gods has been a major burr in humanity’s backside for eons. Jeffress goes on, “The book of Revelation prophesies that God will employ the same agents of His wrath during the final seven years of earth’s history. There is no reason to think God is on hiatus during this present age.”

He’s quite right that the first commandment from (his Christian) God is, “You shall have no other gods before Me.” But, the Pastor’s biblical references may have more holes that the theory of Creationism.

Using biblical quotes to support his argument is about as useful to people who don’t believe the bible as saying “thou shalt not sin because the phone book says so.” Whether he thinks so or not, many people deeply believe there are other Gods, no Gods, or just don’t care about it one way or another and would appreciate it if he not diss their beliefs just as others shalt not diss his.

Jeffress argues the Constitution says nothing about all religions being treated equally, but notions of equality have been benchmarks of the courts’ interpretations in recent history (not withstanding his citing of judicial opinions from the early 1800s). His contention is that if the Bible says it and the Constitution doesn’t, then the Academy is under no obligation to provide a place of worship. He’d be right, although others might argue they don’t have to provide a Christian church either and if the Constitution isn’t about fostering equality, what is it about?

Although Jeffress denounced Pat Robertson’s claim that the Haitian earthquake was God’s punishment for alleged voodoo incidents in their past, he changes logical horses in mid-stream to believe, “…without hesitation that any nation that officially embraces idolatry is openly inviting God’s wrath.”

Ow! Mental whiplash!

The well-meaning Jeffress seems to fear another terrorist attack and advises, “this would be a good time to seek God’s protection rather than kindle His anger.”

So, does that mean Jeffress will refuse the protection of a Pagan Air Force Academy-trained pilot fighting off a terrorist attack because the pilot had angered Jeffress’s God?

Related articles

• Chris Rodda: NY Times, AP, and Cable News Reports on Air Force Academy Don’t Get the Picture (huffingtonpost.com)
• Air Force sets up worship area for Wiccans (VIDEO: msnbc.msn.com)
• Air Force Academy Gives Pagans, Druids and Wiccans Place To Worship (huffingtonpost.com)
• Quake can’t shake faith (cnn.com)
• Christian Heritage Debated by Texas Board of Education (dakotavoice.com)
• This Week in God (washingtonmonthly.com)

FORCED MARCH - Finally, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' advocates are being dragged, screaming and kicking, off their cavalry ponies and into the 21st century. The American public deserves a medal for putting up with this lunacy for 16 years.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has suggested there’s no time to debate the end of the military’s discrimination against gays because of the national backdrop of economic crisis, duo-war, and unemployment.

Curiously, I’ve never heard him complain about Congressional proposals to legislate a college sports playoff system or delaying confirmation hearings for important executive branch appointees. He didn’t appear to be pressed enough for time to forgo holidays and recess periods. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear Mitch was talking through his (ass)hat.

Yet, he’s right in one respect, we could save a lot of time… by repealing DADT now. Because of Bill Clinton’s jelly-like backbone and former Sen. Sam Nunn’s intransigence, we created the most cockamamie, stick your head in the sand abortion of a policy imaginable 16 years ago.

The premise of DADT is laughable. Essentially, the homophobes pretend there are no gays in the military while gay people in the military pretend they aren’t gay. The most common argument for this is that unit cohesion and morale would be hurt by anyone a little light in the combat boots.

What a load of crap!

Gay soldiers have existed since armies first went on the march and pretending they aren’t there is self-delusional. Some homophobes argue they are afraid gays would spy on them in the shower. But only if gay soldiers said, “Hi, I’m Bruce, I’m gay, and I’m here to fantasize over your rock hard hunk of burning manhood,” first. My suspicion in these cases is that the worriers probably have a honkin’ set of man-boobs and don’t go near the showers anyway. In other words, they’re poor candidates for ogledom.

As for the unit cohesion angle, I’d suggest that soldiers who didn’t follow orders are piss poor soldiers you want to weed out anyway. An army that would allow the perceived threat of gay solders to destroy unit cohesion isn’t an army – it is a heavily armed street gang.

The US military has been through these “wrenching” changes before. Truman’s desegregation of the military was supposed to have been the ruination of our defense, yet entire units of the military didn’t fall apart over it then and don’t now. To be sure, there will be the occasional asswipe cracker-under-arms who won’t like his superior’s decisions. But, I suspect a superior officer who unnecessarily and recklessly leads his troops into a firefight wouldn’t be the belle of the ball either. The unifying principles for soldiers here is that you do as you’re ordered to the best of your ability, whether it be charging a machine gun or sharing a tent with a gay soldier.

I’m glad the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff supports striking the law down. I’m glad The Messiah has remembered his promises and gotten surgery to strengthen his spine after first swimming like a jellyfish from the debate last year. I’m glad there is growing Congressional support for tossing this inane law. But, I’m dismayed there are still Congressmen willing to argue about something that should be a no-brainer – and as a nod to Mitch’s fear of too much time being spent in debate – with a simple voice vote to which there would be no credible dissenting howls. After all, many of these people put great store in the word of commanders on the ground during the wars of Czar Chimpster the Second. Admiral Mullen’s boots on the ground should be listened to now.

Now if some brave soul, like President Care Bear or even Mitch himself, would stand up and say, “You know, gay marriage causes no direct harm to anyone, so what the hell, let’s stop posturing,” there’d be no reason to waste so much time on debating it.

Especially in the face of economic crisis, war, unemployment, and college playoff systems.

Related articles

• Pentagon begins tackling ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy (nationalpost.com)
• Bill George: U.S. Military Leaders Advocate Shift to Authenticity and Tolerance (huffingtonpost.com)
• Powell Favors Repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ (thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com)
• Adm. Mullen right to torpedo hypocritical policy on gays in the military (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Changes of Mind but not of Integrity (themoderatevoice.com)
• John Kerry: Republicans Attack Military Leadership to Defend Ban On Gays (huffingtonpost.com)
• Should the Military End ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’? (learning.blogs.nytimes.com)
• Gates: Don’t rush to lift ban on gays in military (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

SCOTUS, WTF? - It's apparently obvious to everyone except the Supremes.

Much was made of Justice Samuel Alito’s silently mouthing off after Barack Obama called the Supremes out on their decision that corporations and unions are allowed to spend freely on campaigns. As slights go during the complex kabuki of a SOTU speech, it was a tepid thing – certainly more respectful than a Wilsonesque “You lie!” from the peanut gallery. However, what he mouthed is nowhere near as important as the actions he took.

Obama depicted SCOTUS’s decision as wrong-headed and an example of “activist” right-wing jurisprudence, which isn’t technically true. The century old decision to grant corporations First Amendment rights was the real activist crime and the Alitonistas are simply following that precedent arc to its logical conclusion.

The problem is the Constitution said nothing about organizations or corporations having First Amendment rights then and still doesn’t now.

I’m sure a smart lawyer could argue the Constitution grants those rights to corporations if you read between the lines, Nevertheless, I can’t see how anyone could argue it is in the spirit of the Constitution or isn’t a very undemocratic, impractical decision.

Because companies control heftier purse strings than individuals do, they have an unfair advantage in the public square. Money buys megaphones individuals can’t buy alone. Even if individuals band together to raise money – a counter-individualist thing to do – they’re hard-pressed to ramp up as fast as a corporation with money already in the bank and has already been spending heavily on lobbyists outside of the campaign milieu. They’d also have to raise that money either from the great unwashed (whose economic livelihood is largely controlled by corporations) or from wealthy individuals who usually can say their peace from the corporate pulpit as well as the personal soapbox.

The ill-advisedness of handing corporations First Amendment rights equal to or greater than individuals is evident in our current political arena. Lawmakers bought and paid for by businesses guarantee there will be more corruption than not. It guarantees that in a world dependent on mass media – much of it controlled by corporations also spending on the campaigns they cover – contrarian positions are whispers at best and muzzled at worst.

I’m not totally blind to the business side of this issue, companies need to present their ideas. However, the predilection of administrations to reach deep into the private sector for high-level appointees and getting meetings with the movers and shakers can be possible without greasing palms with Chevron 10W40 oil. If corporations have First Amendment rights then let them be equal. Let them stand in line with the rest of us and depend on the persuasiveness of their arguments to guide legislation.

Obama was wrong when he called the Supremes “activist, but he raised a good point.

Maybe it’s time for some activist judges to right this wrong.

Related articles

• Public Citizen Seeking Constitutional Amendment To Stop Corporate Takeover Of US (alan.com)
• Doug Kendall: But It Is True, Justice Alito (huffingtonpost.com)
• Biden defends Obama’s criticism of high court (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• President Obama: “Friend of the Court” (edistojoe.com)
• The “Devastating” Decision (3quarksdaily.com)
• Free speech is over! (if you want it) (powerlineblog.com)
• Alito at the SOTU (professorbainbridge.com)