JUST CALL HIM STRETCH ARMSTRONG - Vijya has told civil defense authorities that if a nuclear bomb is ever dropped on Jhunjhunu, he'd simply bend over and kiss his ass goodbye. Click photo for more >>

Naughty Bits

• A hypocritical homophobe who “sexts” shacks up with her boyfriend. I’M SHOCKED! SHOCKED I SAY!
• A fake, hypocritical homophobe speaks out. I’M SHOCKED! SHOCKED I SAY!
• So many boobs, so little time.
• Go Lizzy! Go Lizzy! Go LIZZIE!
• Nice brag! How ya gonna back it up?
• Clearly, Andy spends a little too much time at his computer.
• I hate it when women call it their Va-Jay-Jay, but they’re apparently OK with the word.
• Wouldja lookit the melons on her…YAAAAHHH!
• When Lucy watched the personal hygene movies in gym class, she always felt a little tingle.
• After breaking up with Chris Brown, Rihanna sometimes found her life lonely. Luckily, Bridget was there to cheer her up.
• After the first 199 times, Angela began to feel a little guilty.
• Terrance just couldn’t resist the heavenly feel of air blowing through his pages.
• Bill…Bill…let me go. I forgot the safe word. Bill…are you there Bill?
• After the operation, Jenny was amazed at how smooth the skin on her butt looked.

Daft Commercialism

• Personally, I make it a policy to never drink anything that can bite back.
• I’ve always wanted one of those giant Swiss Army Knives you see in stores, but ginormous tighty whiteys would be nice too.
• “We all drink in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine. We all drink in a yellow…”
• There is expensive therapy in the future of kids getting these toys.
• Here’s incontrovertible proof that you can nail together any two things that have never been nailed together before and sell it. (George Carlin)
• WHOOP! WHOOP! STEP AWAY FROM THE BEER! STEP AWAY FROM THE BEER!
• We hear there’s talk of a merger between Universal Remote Control, LLP and MyCellmate, Co.
• Don’t laugh, Spencer Gifts built a kitschy global empire out of crap like this.

Klaatu Barada Nicktu

• Such craftsmanship. Such simplicity of design. It’s enough to make an android mother proud.
• AAAAFFFFFLLLLAAAACK!!
• So You Think You Can Dance the Robot is the sleeper hit of the television season.
• These gadgets may be handy, but they lack the bedside manner of Hawkeye or Trapper.
• Carnegie Mellon University is taking the world one step closer to a paradise populated by Rosie the Robots.

Jesus Critsto!

THE IMMACULATE BUTTER - Click photo for more >>

• For those times when a miracle needs just a little shove to get going.
• On some Sundays Pastor Dave felt just a tad uncomfortable with the sermon.
• Lydia always kept a Bible in her pocket, but a D-Cup worked just as well.
• How many times do I have to tell you? It’s not a doll, it’s an action figure!
• Domino’s changed pizza recipes, but until now they didn’t tell you how.
• Scientists have found a Jewish carpenter’s nail gun after 2000 years.
• So, it’s the old bait and switch gambit, eh?

There Are a Million Stories in the Naked City, These Are Four of Them

• Well, it WAS a surprise, if by “surprise” you mean cold-cocking him with a hammer.
• Mushrooms, huh? What tipped the cops off?
• Pinnacle Airlines, has introduced budget-priced airborne boxing matches for only $49 one way.
• They grow old ladies tough in Australia.

The Goobiest Things and People in the World

• It was just a small summer home down the road from the quarry.
• Politicians participating in political theatre? Who knew?!
• Apparently semi-literate wing nuts don’t know about spell check.
• Castration in retaliation for incontinence seems a bit harsh.
• Because there can never be enough ways to kill a Peep.
• LOOK! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Oreckman!
• CAUTION: Hip cute overload ahead.
• If you can’t laugh at the Nazis, who can you laugh at?
• Sure it’s an odd hobby, but who are we to judge?

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• This ‘Tactical’ Wallet Does a Lot More Than Hold Credit Cards [Overkill] (gizmodo.com)
• Gift Idea: Custom Action Figures (blisstree.com)
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• (en.wikipedia.org)

TICKLE ME ERIC - Constituents line up for a turn in the tickle pit with former Rep. Eric Massa. Massa says charges that he engaged in homosexual conduct are lies perpetrated by Sen. Harry Ried (D-Spinelessylvania). However, the unidentified man in the kilt explained that he and the Congressman were merely trying to determine what a Scottsman wears under his kilt.

You know you’re an asshat when Glenn Beck feels the need to apologize for your sorry ass.

Rep. Eric Massa (D-East Gayberstan) is at the center of one of those train wrecks in which the person caught doing something stupid tries to save himself by fanning the flames.

The facts of the Congress-o-loon’s fall from grace are straight forward enough, but the legs, pace, and complexities of the unraveling stories aren’t. Ostensibly, Massa allegedly tickled and made sexual advances toward staff members of the opposite marrying kind (H/T to Carrie Prejean and her marvelous language skills). It’s unclear if the “victims” consented or not.

But, consent doesn’t matter and neither did Larry King asking him if he was gay. If he yearns to slap and tickle a co-dude, then more power to him. That’s between him and the ticklee. It’s a common enough fetish, for both gays and straights.

At this point, had Massa simply said, “You know what, I’m stupid,” everything would have been OK. But instead, he chose to tell a story about fellow Dems forcing him out because he wanted to vote against healthcare reform. Dodging the spotlight by turning it on yourself is hardly a brilliant damage control strategy – but he plowed on like the Titanic.

He told the story. Then, he retracted it.

Then, he told it again.

Then, he retracted it again.

Rinse and repeat.

Beck had the misfortune to interview Massa somewhere about here. By this time the air was so thick with innuendo, conflicting stories, and untruths that even a master of subterfuge and obfuscation, like Beck, couldn’t make sense of it.

New stories are now surfacing that he participated similar recreational activities in the Navy and I’m sure there’ll be more edits and multiple retractions to that story. It’s as thin as Larry Craig’s infamous wide stance. Massa could say, “The sky is blue,” and no one would believe him now.

Massa has exceptionally poor critical thinking skills and a penchant to compensate with even more lackluster critical thinking skills. In short, he’s an imbecile and NY is well-shed of him. At this point, replacing Massa with Jim Bunning would be an improvement and I wouldn’t vote for him as Douchebag-in-Chief, despite his obvious world-class qualifications and experience.

Eric, for the love of God, shut up before you get yourself in more trouble.

Stop, drop, and roll will ya?

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SMITE THEM GOD, SMITE THEM - Westboro's God Hates Fags campaign is an embarrassment to humanity. Yet they have the right to make idiots of themselves...even if we do want to smack them down.

There are few things as repugnant as Westboro Baptist’s “God Hates Fags” screeds at military funerals. It’s an understandable impulse to want to thump these yahoos to within an inch of their putrid lives, but if you do, expect to do some time in the pokey. Free speech is allowed, violence isn’t.

The Supreme Court will soon hear the question of whether free speech protections cover Westboro’s lunatic fringing. It’ll be interesting to see how it goes.

Cases like this pose a constitutional dilemma. For the most part – save the whole “shouting fire in a crowded theatre” question – I favor letting people say what they want. Free speech doesn’t mean free to anyone I don’t think is stupid, rude, or just plain wrong. It means free…for everyone…even if they are ignorant pootieheads.

Defending the Rights of the Asshatted
I recently defended the right of gay rights opponents to say what they want and received some not unexpected fallout for my trouble. Several commenters took a zero-tolerance line – they said it’s never OK to oppose anything as important as gay rights…period. However, you could just as easily turn that around to say it’s never OK for Republicans to speak either. No matter how much I fantasize about stopping their unending, infernal chants of NO it would be clearly unconstitutional and just plain wrong. The offense in Westboro’s case owes a lot to where you and your opponents stand.

The Constitution presupposes there is someone on either side who is rational and feels as strongly about others’ rights as they do their own. It assumes these people will speak and not poke each other in the nose. It assumes that words don’t cause permanent damage regardless of how insulting and wrong you may feel they are.

But cases like the Westboro Association of Pinheads’ picketing the funerals of innocent, grieving bystanders who have nothing to do with their “issue” seems to go a step farther. Is this the point where the right of grieving families and friends should be protected from a group if nimrods who have no respect for others? After all, my general rule is that exercising your right is OK as long as you don’t impinge on someone else’s right to exercise theirs. Not respecting their rights takes you one step closer to their values, not farther away.

GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING? - God needs a better PR person on Earth. Fred Phelps and his ilk are damaging God's brand.

The Slippery Slope
My first impulse is to squash them like the vermin they are. However, in the back of my mind I keep hearing a constitutional voice whispering that depriving Westboro of their idiotic fun may be the first in a series of slip slides down a mucky slope.

Who gets to make these decisions? What are the criteria? How much does asshatery cost per pound when compared with the cost of individual freedom? It’s too simple to just say STFU and be done with it. As clear-cut as it may appear, it’s anything but.

As with many issues, there isn’t a good black and white answer and I don’t profess to have one. At the end of the day, the Supremes will make a decision. In all likelihood, Congress will pass more legislation and the Supremes will have to retest the new version of Constitutional right and wrong. No doubt, this question will come back up repeatedly, if for no other reason than the Westboro loons are unlikely to stop until their God snatches up the last of them and casts them into a lake of fire. This is the juncture between the letter of the law and its common sense application.

The whole sordid affair makes me long to go back to my original thought and thump the stupid bastards to within an inch of their crapulent lives.

But that’s not Constitutional either.

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• Supreme Court to hear Westboro appeal (hotair.com)
• Supreme Court Will Decide Westboro Baptist’s Right to Protest Military Funerals And Say Terrible Things (queerty.com)
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DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL - The illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

UPDATE: McCain’s DADT Support Letter Signed By A Bunch Of Dead Guys

Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT) opponents are nothing if not persistent. For nearly 20 years they’ve held tightly to the illogical and irrational belief that gay people only become gay when asked if they are gay.

One of the chief reasons DADTers give for keeping DADT alive is that military units would dissolve into pits of undisciplined chaos with poor morale and troops running from the showers because their buddies might see their dong.  This pretzel logic seems to suggest that only straights can foster effective leadership and morale.

Well think again delusional kiddies.

The Navy recently revealed the presumably straight captain of the guided missile cruiser USS Cowpens is a modern day Captain Bligh. Capt. Holly Graf apparently belittled sailors and officers with a relish the nation hasn’t seen since Humphrey Bogart obsessed on strawberry ice cream in The Caine Mutiny.

She publicly cussed her crews. She shoved, grabbed, and spit on them. She winged a ceramic coffee mug at one officer and even put one well-respected master chief on time out like a 10-year old with more emotional maturity than she demonstrated.

Thankfully, I never served under anyone as out of control as Graf in my military career, but I did serve under some who were more dangerous to unit cohesion and morale than a brigade of lesbians or a squadron of gays. I’d dare say serving with Graf would be much more damaging to morale than serving under a gay captain who stayed professional, valued his crew, and didn’t try to thump them with a mug of java by way of saying, “Have a shitty day!”

DADTers like to remind us the military has customs and mores different than those in civilian life – and they’re right. Unit cohesion and good morale are essential to ask people to risk their lives for the folks (ironically including many DADTers) back home. However, there’s a point where civilian and military mores intersect. As Capt. Graf amply demonstrated, an asshat is an asshat whether their hat is a straight navy blue or gay lavender. The environments straights can create can be just as poisonous to morale and good military discipline as ones gays can create.

It’s not who they are sleeping with that’s the problem, it’s the fact they can be incompetent regardless of their sexual orientation.

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WHEN $50 ISN'T ENOUGH - Since it's unlikely Reagan ever saw something as small as a $50 bill, perhaps a higher denomination is in order.

Of all the things this country desperately needs, St. Ronnie of Reagan’s wrinkly-assed, ancient mug on a $50 bill is the least of them. We don’t need his name on airports, aircraft carriers, nor innumerable middle schools. No St. Ronnie of Reagan churches, no Ronnie slept here historical markers, no Ronald Reagan Memorial Waste Water plants.

I’m even in favor of renaming the Ronald Reagan Library because politicians are poor role models and shouldn’t have anything more named for them than absolutely necessary. (I’m strongly in favor of renaming the George W. Bush Presidential Library too, but less because he’s a politician than because he couldn’t find a “libary” if his dumb ass depended on it.)

While most of the rest of the world goes with painters, musicians, or something else innocuous – like souvlakis or cheese sandwiches – we hold steadfast to pasting the mugs of dead politicos on our cash. Oddly, we have this in common with the many dictators who like seeing themselves on every available flat surface in their country. “Hey, lets put my face on the dinar so it matches the gold sofa in my Presidential palace – or I will execute you!”

Yet, Rep. Patrick T. McHenry (R-Neptune), sees this as essential Congressional “bidness”. He says St. Ronnie deserves to scare the moths out of everyone’s wallet because he ranks higher than Ulysses in presidential polls. Following Patrick McHenry’s (”Give me McLiberty or give me McDeath!) logic, Rutheford B. Hayes, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and Grover Cleveland should all get their faces on money before Ronnie.

It’s a lame reason anyway. It’s also lame because Ronnie was a shit, morally and politically, and did not single-handedly take down the Berlin Wall brick by asbestos-covered brick as the more deluded politicians – who’d knock RR’s vacant smile off money in a minute if they thought they could get anyone to put their own blockish heads on instead – would have you believe.

I say let’s take all politicians off money completely. I say let’s go for some butterflies or pretty amber waves of grain. Hell, I bet a majestic purple mountain on the $50 would be a vast improvement over a drunken, middling, Republican war hero OR a retired B-movie actor with a background in sports broadcasting, a crappy memory, and running the California and Federal governments into the ground. Even a photo of a dog would be preferable.

I hereby nominate my sharbrador, Fiona.

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