Not long ago - while Clinton and Obama were engaged in their fight-to-the death cage match - John McCain gloried in the reflected glow of the media. He gave them unprecedented access and asked the boys on the bus over for a little BBQ and beer to seal the deal. In return, he got good press. In new ads, out today, McC carps about the O-Man getting all the props now.

An astonishing reversal of fortune? Not so much. While one would hope adult professionals aren’t swayed by some pulled pork on a bun, I’m sure it happens. But the question of access and actions has a little more to do with it than a cold, Belgian-owned Bud and the secret family sauce.

McCain’s original open access was a good deal for everyone, but it was a reckless campaign move. McCain is a man not unlike Dub. He’s prone to verbal gaffes when he holds forth at the back of the Fork-Tongued Express. He’s even deadlier in front of a crowd making a formal speech. His campaign banked that what they call his “authenticity” would carry the day. But the gamble didn’t work.

Team Obama did a couple of things to bring the media over to his side. He finished his bruising primary run and moved quickly to heal his accumulated bumps, cuts, and bruises. Meanwhile, Mr. McCainiac wasted the advantage by, well, giving BBQs and drinking beer. He still talked plenty on the bus, but issued few new policy positions and was boringly slow to respond to questions and issues. If there’s one thing that’s sure death to the media, it’s boredom. “Authentic” jokes about rape to the contrary, an average day with McCain is about as interesting as watching some sandy, cactus-ridden Arizona scrub land.

The other thing Obama did was to learn a lesson from ol’ Johnny - and then reversing it. He tightened his restrictions on the media. He only talked on a grand scale to throngs more akin to Sunday afternoons at the football game than whistlestops - and he did it well. Every event was carefully staged and he made policy talks that - if not exactly trailblazing - were at least not boring. Obama handled problems better too. He managed to turn the Rev. Wright debacle into a plus and has shrugged off other bad news fairly readily. McCain never has gotten rid of his reputation as a lobbyist magnet and still wrestles with his own pastor problem. It boiled down to trying to cozy up to the press vs. running a tight media ship where the candidate controls the news cycle.

Those on both sides complain about the media and many of those complaints are merited, but this is one of those times when the campaigns themselves carried more weight than the personal choices of Big Media mavens. When a candidate lives and dies by press clippings they have to learn how to play the game. I expect media coverage will shift many more times as this interminable campaign goes on. John will eventually learn how to do it at least as well as learning how to get his email. Obie will inevitably step in some cowpie and take his licking. Alliances will change, mistakes will be made, there will be tiffs and outrageous charges the media is more than happy to report. It’s a dance as old as politics itself. It’s like my Dad used to say, “It doesn’t matter if someone’s right or wrong, it only matters who has the best line of shite.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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John McCain can’t catch a break from the New York Times these days. The Times rejected his recent equal time op-ed piece in response to an Obama piece run last week. There’s nothing particular noteworthy about that, media outlets rejecting equal time requests are common now that the old mandatory equal time rules have gone by the wayside. Besides, you could hardly call the NYT editorial board hardcore McCainiacs. But the reason given for the rejection was a little different.

Amongst several other demands, the NYT said that Mr. McCainiac’s article,”would have to articulate, in concrete terms, how Senator McCain defines victory in Iraq. It would also have to lay out a clear plan for achieving victory - with troops levels, timetables and measures for compelling the Iraqis to cooperate. And it would need to describe the senator’s Afghanistan strategy, spelling out how it meshes with his Iraq plan.”

What Does ‘Victory’ Mean Exactly
Obama’s article appeared to contain some of that information, but also seems short of that lofty goal. In fact, it’d be tough for any candidate to offer that much specificity on a very complex issue in a single op-ed article. Having said that, I’d sure like to see it - even in condensed form. We’re 7 years into this mess and nothing is any clearer than when we’d been there for 7 days. I’ve yet to hear the working definition of “victory” and no information about plans other than, “trust us, we know what we’re doing” - a hard position to argue when the administration continues to claim that any information will immediately allow the terrorists will “win”.

I can understand that newsprint isn’t cheap and that papers want their articles to be fresh and contain information people haven’t seen before. I can also see why they’d not like to have their prominent editorial page turned into a broadsheet campaign flyer. The Times says they often negotiate with op-ed contributors about what they will and won’t accept and they claim that’s the case here. On the other hand, campaigns understandably bristle at the restrictions and often use the opportunity to charge bias against a media outlet. It’s unclear if that’s the case here, although Team Walnuts hasn’t specifically charged that. The muck is further raked up when you look at the history between the two. The NYT endorsed McCain early on, but later was the first to break the story about McCain’s possibly overly close relationship with a female lobbyist. In other words, they have a love/hate thing goin’ on.

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A John Wayne Bobbit Stupid Moment - “Get back! Get back! One step closer and the dick gets it.”

It’s a Strike! - Didn’t it wobble around on the lane?

I’m a Lumberjack and I’m (Not) OKaaaaaaaaaay - Well, I can see why a handsaw wouldn’t work very well.

She Was Just Big-Boned - Would that be measured at the hip or at the waist? On second thought, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Obama Supports Civil Driver’s Licenses - I wonder if the Pope has anything to do with this.

Who Woulda Thunk It? - It seems to me some things should be self-evident enough without resorting to legislation.

Hello? Do You Have Prince Albert Up in Your Can? - Never stick anything bigger than your head up your ass.

Obligatory Japanese Item of the Week - This product fills a void that just shouts out to be filled.

Nice Work If You Can Get It - Hmmm, I’ve been thinking of a career change.

On Belay! - Wow, did you see that rock-hard abs on her? (NSFW, though very artistic)

Hairless in Seattle - Yeah, I’m guessing that was pretty embarrassing.

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The Energizer Economicizer held forth this week on the state of the economy. As usual, it was a sunny performance worthy of the Crawford High School production of Annie. It didn’t matter that Fed Chairman, Ben Bernacke, simultaneously disputed almost every point during his testimony before Congress. When the Big Dog sings, everything - including the economy and the sun - rises as he commands. And when it doesn’t, he simply pretends otherwise and returns to his comfy space pod from Rigel 12.

In one of his less lucid moments he claimed the free-market is forcefully pulling the Gas Price Sasquatch back in line. I’m not sure how he sees our current national pickle as a shining beacon of capitalistic triumph, but I don’t see how he comes to most of his other observations either.

Go figure.

According to Daddy Warbucks, the economy is just hunky dory, thank you very much. He thinks sky-high prices will cut demand for oil and will, in turn, drive prices down. He has a point about demand, but the idea that prices will eventually follow is longer than an Al Qaeda sniper’s shot. I certainly haven’t seen oil companies drafting plans to lower earnings estimates, stop dividends, and scale back CEO pay.

Racing Stretch Abrahms Tanks Through the Streets of Washington
He has the hare-brained notion that lowered demand deflates all rubber dingies equally. He sees a market that adjusts based on people like him - people who can afford to pay $100 a gallon to drag race their stretch Abrams tanks through the streets of Washington if they want. He doesn’t seem to realize those being squeezed most are the ones who can afford it least. For them, it’s gas at $4.59 per gallon or skipping inconsequential expenses like food, rent, and clothing.

YEEHAAAA! Ain’t that a demonstration of compassionate conservatism for ya!

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Update: No shit, who do you think helped him be so good at it?

Nancy Pelosi, damn your useless hide!

When you swept to power - well maybe not swept, more like a shuffle really - the democratic hopeful thought you’d be the savior, the leader of the vast left-wing conspiracy’s triumphant return to power. The champagne ran like beer at a Crawford picnic as you fiddled with the House gavel like it was a prized dildo. And you should know, you’ve been sucking down long, cool drafts of the Beer that Made Crapweasels Famous^TM ever since.

I’ve been keeping tabs on your career as Speaker of the House of Wax and I must say your failures are Bush-like in their breath-taking crapulence. In fact, if you didn’t cover your Adam’s apple with those scarves, I’d swear you were George in drag. But it was your first big decision that’s turned out to stain your reputation beyond repair - taking impeachment “off the table”.

Despite your rumored - but rarely seen - political acumen, you broke the cardinal rule that you never tell your foes what you may do next. You cleared the table and Bush and his merry band of rubber stampers sat down for a roast constitution feast served up by the most cowardly cast of Congresspussies in American history. Almost from the beginning, you failed to make even the meekest attempt to reign the conniving bastard in. In fact, whenever one of your fellow zombies got brave enough to question his majesty - even a little - you were Josephina on the spot to make sure nothing came of it.

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It’s been a long time since my last anger-filled screed. This unexpected development isn’t because there are no more topics worthy of long and vicious screeds, it’s because I’m feeling a little like a ripple wimpily expending itself on the placid shores of a pond. It’s hard to get all worked up when the crapstorms fly at you faster than a thick swarm of killer bees stinging the ass of a nudist. So, it’s time to apply a little WD-40 to the snarky joints and get back in the swing of things.

Be kind, I’m rusty.

• Not everything that happens to Barak Obama is about racism.
• Not everything that happens to John McCain is about being a war hero.
• Not everything that happens to Hillary Clinton is about sexism.
• “Experience” has little to do with all three.
• “Experience” has even less to do with Emperor Asshat’s crapulent performance either.
• That goes for Asshat 41 AND DOUBLE for Asshat 43.

• George Bush doesn’t hate black people.
• He hates anyone other than himself.
• Dick Cheney hates everyone.
• Even himself.
• And he’ll shoot you in the goddamn face to prove it.

• Brownie didn’t do a heckuva job.
• Neither did Hurricane George.
• He still hasn’t.

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A Tip O’ the Satirical Cap to Station Agent

Fill in the blank. A New Yorker magazine cover is to Barak Obama what a National Review cover is to (blank).

A geriatric John McCain in a wheelchair! Get it? Now THAT’S funny! But, what about those thousands of Nimrod-in-Chief Hitler caricatures? Funny as hell they were. Why, some of the Photoshopped mash-ups of Lil’ Napoleon dressed as a terrorist rival the New Yorker’s noteworthy effort. And don’t even get me started on the Cindy McCain and Laura Bush robot jokes - it’s comic gold I tell ya’, comic gold!

It’s also time for a slap up side the head.

Dueling Typewriters and Pens
The much-excoriated New Yorker cover is no more over the top than a thousand other satirical cartoons produced by the left and right. Satire, especially political satire, always goes for the gut. By its nature, it’s a knife fight of dueling typewriters and cartoonists’ pens. It’s often over the top and vicious and it’s supposed to be. If it wasn’t, it would be a wonkish, stuffy policy discussion - boring as hell and not nearly as stress-relieving as a good belly laugh.

Political cartoons - especially good ones - often reveal a truth. In this case, a truth about those who cry over spilt cartoonists’ ink with claims the cartoon will bring about a sure victory for Yertle the Turtle McCain and the simultaneous collapse of Western civilization.

Hogswallop! If Obama is such a weak candidate a satirical cartoon will topple him, we’ve all got much bigger worries.

Satire’s a Good Thing
Many of the righteously indignant claim the cover only enforces the misperceptions and outright lies of the anti-Obaminator crowd. It probably does, but given the New Yorker’s position as one of the ring leaders in the right’s liberal media elite, I’m guessing not many Bushies or McCainiacs will pick up a copy to nod with satisfaction that the media finally got it right and has come over to the dark side. Therein lies the satire. The cover’s not a satire because it confirms anti-Obama views. It’s a satire because it lampoons the addle-brained, fear-mongering anti-Obamans.

Satire’s a good thing. It allows us to laugh when, by all rights, we should be crying. Righteous indignation has it’s place too. We should be righteously pissed at the things going on in our country and a good rant is a way to make that point strongly. And if you’re handy with a cartoonist’s pen or a keyboard, satire is a particularly delicious way to do it. I satirize my political opponents often and when I do there are plenty of pats on the back for administering a good, old-fashioned, ass-kicking screed against the dark forces of the right - comments that come from some of the same people now seeing satire in a different light.

This satire also reveals another dark truth. By wasting energy on a satire with the weight of a politicized Dilbert cartoon, the righteously indignant crowd puts themselves exactly where those being lampooned want them - firmly among the hypocritical for laughing at right-bashing satire while carping about vicious pens turned on their own main man.

Your attitudes only help those who want to see us fail and want to harm us. Why do you hate America and want the terrorists to win?

BTW, that last sentence was satire.

Get it?

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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When Stephen Colbert coined the term “truthiness“, he hit the nail on the head as it applies to our Barney Fife administration. The Great Flip-Flopper sends his PR minions to spin corrections to stories and statements so often, they can “truthifully” claim they did or didn’t say something as it suits them. The spinning doesn’t only apply to press releases though, official records haven’t been kept or “lost” by the millions. They have a similar problem with revealing anything other than name, rank, and serial number to investigations or media questions.

Over the course of our nation’s eight year descent into hell, many a pundit and WH gossip has speculated about how George’s legacy will stack up against history. Some think he’s a misunderstood genius who’ll simultaneously supplant Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson as the light of historical perspective illuminates his flowing, angelic robes. Others figure he’s an idiot savant who’ll put Warren G. Harding’s bottom-dwelling position in serious jeopardy. Either way, Lil’ Dub has used the lard bucket of truthiness so often almost nothing about his administration can be conclusively proven beyond a shadow of a doubt - certainly one thing that keeps impeachment at arm’s length.

This seems an odd result considering the rainforest-destroying number of books written about the jughead, but look closely and you’ll see that many of the books are based on recollections and recalcitrant witnesses with any number of axes to grind. The official public records the books cite are heavily edited or redacted at best and spun like a dervish at a hula-hoop convention at worst. Historians will need something more to go on. You know, unadulterated diaries, letters, email, or records that should have been retained under various federal laws? But George’s penchant for keeping everything secret - including Barney’s undisclosed location - cuts against him. With no unambiguous proof one way or another, his legacy will be based on the potentially bad juju handed down by contemporary authors projected against the public fiascoes we do know the details of.

It’s sad that future generations may not be able to learn all the cautionary lessons of the Bushonian era. What they do see will be stained by truthiness as George and his apologists spin it. The minutia of day-to-day governmental operation will have evaporated into the ether and we’ll probably never know how many of his fiascoes really played out behind the scenes. Still, the truthy mash-up he has left will give a relative, though incomplete, accounting of his legacy.

I’m confident that record will be enough to see him as the crapweasel he is.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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Fuzzy Feline Filth - Here Titty, er, Kitty!

The Hat and the Cat - Er, the cat who is a hat? I get those confused all the time.

Don’t Forget the ZIP Code - That’ll teach the damn thing to sleep all day.

Hurry Up! I’m Late for Work! - He patiently awaits its turn to use the litter box.

Pepe LePeu - So what if it’s not a cat? It looks like one.

Um Miss, Your Cleavage Just Squeaked -  Oooo. It’s so cuddly.

Starting Them Off Early - The ladies really love the shoes. Now I know it’s all about getting them started young - eh, Hedonistic Pleasureseeker?

Bookgasm - It seems a bit of overkill to me, but some people really like to hide that porn where no one - and I mean no one (except a bookseller) - can find it. (NSFW)

Worst Place on Earth - Is that pronounced Lee-ma or Lie-ma? Either way, cheer up if you don’t live there. Or, really cheer up if you don’t live here.

Sis-Boom-Aw Crap - Any list that contains both George W. Bush and Paula Abdul has got to be bad news.

Grandma Didn’t Get Run Over by a Reindeer - But she did get one hell of a good ride.

Icon, I-Can’t? -  Did you ever notice fashion designers always wear the most God-awful clothes?

Would You Like Some Torture with Those Fries? - This is clearly a case of extraordinary rendition… and certifiable torture after capture too.

Can’t Get His Face Out of the Gutter - It’s one thing to have sex on the brain, it’s quite another to have it on your face. (NSFW)

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Note: I’ll be in southern California the rest of this week undergoing college orientation with my daughter, so no posts. Please play nice and don’t put your feet on the furniture while I’m gone.

Amongst the administration’s multitudinous scandals and dubious actions is the question of whether the Justice Dept. was too zealous in choosing only employees and interns who were politically Bushonion clones. Now - after Roberto Gonzales has been kicked to the curb and Karl Rove and others have been subpoenaed - the case of Sean M. Gerlich joins the saga of 9 fired US attorneys.

Gerlich applied for an intern position at the DoJ and was rejected despite a reportedly impressive resume. Now, he’s filed suit charging job discrimination. He believes they turned him down because of his volunteer work for Amnesty International and a Democratic candidate running for state assembly. For loyal Bushies, association with either of these causes is tantamount to treason. Heaven forbid an intern seize the reins of power and steer us out of Iraq or something. Heck, not even Monica could do that, and she was blowing the Commander-in-Chief. His rejection is especially ironic since Gerlich says, “I’m not actually especially liberal, particularly as regards anti-trust law, the area in which I applied. I’m right of center.” Apparently not right enough though.

Over and above DoJ’s dubious hiring practices - already being investigated by their own Inspector General - this penchant for ideological purity is what has created an administration shackled to a myopic, insulated view of the world. They’ve created the same type of organizational family as a human one bred only by marriages between parents, kids, and first cousins. It seems Dubyatarians like to swim in the shallow end of the political gene pool and that’s not healthy for them or the nation.

DoJ’s ‘No Shit’ Moment
The DoJ’s response is to overhaul their hiring practices in advance of the IG’s report - a report that admits ideology-based selections, “can also create the appearance that candidates are being discriminated against based on political affiliation.” However, their “no shit, ya think?” moment comes 7 years and 8 months too late for it to do any good.

I happen to agree with John “I Lost an Election to a Dead Guy” Ashcroft’s former mouthpiece, Mark Corallo, about patronage jobs. I just don’t go so far as to imply the DoJ’s actions are OK. “Elections have consequences,” Corallo said. “I expect the next attorney general will be seeking to hire people of like mind. There’s nothing criminal, sinister, or out of the ordinary. It’s normal.” That’s true, except maybe the illegal part, but there’s a fine line between employing “people of like mind” and hiring interns by Googling which political groups they belong to.

Express Lane to an Incompetent Regime
Many Republicans maintain that hiring people based solely on ideology is an essential way to make sure government departments toe the political line. But, left unchecked, it’s also the express lane to an incompetent, bloated, totalitarian regime. The Soviet Union didn’t collapse because of Communism, it collapsed because their toadies couldn’t deliver a loaf of bread without a 5-Year plan revised every 6 months. Being good on the cocktail circuit or donating lots of money is no indicator of success and both Republicans and Democrats should remind themselves of that daily. We’ve had far too many boobs in top spots for the country to function.

I think Corallo’s statement sums it up perfectly, but not in the way he intended. Elections do have consequences and Republicans are belatedly finding that out in a pointedly harsh way. There’s not a surer way to piss off two-thirds of the electorate than to choose an unending string of incompetents who don’t have the presence of mind to choose a martini or a cosmo at the State Dept. mixer. I’m not naive enough to think it’ll happen, but I’d rather see patronage go away for all levels of the government below cabinet secretary. You’ll still gets some idiots, but at least you have a fighting chance to limit the number of them. There’s also one more thing I wish, though I don’t think it will happen.

I hope Sean Gerlich takes them for all their worth.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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