Tossed into his rich and simmering ragoût of stupid was Mittens’ recent offer to take Obama to the closet – um, poor word choice – woodshed for a good old fashioned water-ski whooping. But no golf. He hears Obama is good at that. Presumably, Mitt would borrow the Presidential barge for the match. I don’t blame him. In 1981, he tried to do the whole middle class water-ski thing and managed to get himself arrested for disorderly conduct. Not a big, Earth-shattering deal, but a deal nonetheless. The story goes something like this:

The Salt Lake Scion Goes to Jail

The Salt Lake Scion, a true Masshole,was launching his boat at Cochituate State Park, MA. One of Cochituate’s finest took issue after seeing the boat’s registration painted over. After a ‘confrontation’ in which the ranger warned of a $50 fine, Mitt pulled out a crisp $50 and handed it to the ranger -  probably in much the same way he tips reporters after they write flattering stories. The Ranger promptly arrested him for disorderly conduct and everyone else stood around thinking, “Damn, I wish I could piss away $50 like that.”

The boorish Romney cash – valid only at the Salt Lake Tabernacle Gift Shop (sorry, no women allowed) – was bad enough. If I had defied the cop’s order to stop, I would’ve found myself prone on the pavement with a Glock to the back of my head or maybe even a pair of scissors in my hair.

Mitt, I know you’re a little thick, but here’s a simple example why your $50 payoff was just wrong.

Say I was speeding and was pulled over. I’m not allowed to throw a $50 out the window and assume that takes care of the whole thing. There are laws to be followed, and yes, they apply to you too. If I can’t just throw some money in the hat and drive off disregarding points on my license, higher fines for arguing with the cop, and additional fines for driving with Irish Setters strapped to the roof, neither can you. BTW, they apparently let you off the hook completely for having an unregistered boat so you should consider yourself lucky.

But he couldn’t leave it at $50 worth of dipshittedness. No, his defense was that he was wet and in a bathing suit when they hauled him off to the Natick lockup. His kids could see his embarrassment as he argued with the cops. Poor dears. I’m sure the cops were visibly moved by the sight of a grown man in madras swimming attire, especially when most of their clientele is vomit-covered and naked for their big night at the Soap on a Rope Invitational.

Ipso Facto, Caveat Emptor, Lorem Ipsum: INNOCENT!

He then went to court and defended himself by claiming the cop didn’t specifically tell him he would be arrested as a law-breaking swine – ipso facto, caveat emptor, lorem ipsum – he was innocent. He iced the cake by threatening to file unlawful arrest charges and backed that up using the firm legal principle that since the cop didn’t show up in court, he must be innocent.

Newsflash Newton, cops usually go to court on their own dime. No overtime. No pay at all. No water skiing with the kids and getting arrested for disorderly on a lost day off to attend to a shitheel like you. Shocking, I’m sure. Besides, what does the cop need a tax break for?

Um, Mitt? The rest of us don’t go to court. We’d be laughed out of the place for a story as lame as this. We pay the frickin’ fine, consider ourselves lucky that SWAT didn’t show up, and say, “Thank you for guarding my safety Mr. Law Officer, sir. I shan’t do it again. Have a good day!”

A very, very understanding  judge let you off, which explains why I’d never make it as a judge. Had you been in my court, I would’ve forced you to launch your boat – carefully supervised to ensure you do it legally this time – and I’d have dropped you overboard without your gold-plated water-wings.

Let me tell you buddy. You’re one lucky sumbitch.

Related articles

• Mitt Romney arrested for disorderly conduct (rt.com)
• Anarchist Mitt Romney arrested in 1981 for ‘disorderly conduct’ (dailykos.com)
• Romney Can’t Even Get Arrested Like the Rest of Us (decoded.nationaljournal.com)
• Supporters of ex-cocaine user Obama fail to capitalize on recycled Romney arrest story (twitchy.com)
• Thurston Howell IV* on How To Beat A Rap (themoderatevoice.com)
• Mitt the Merry Prankster and Barack the Pusher Downer (omnipotentpoobah.com)
• Mitt Romney Had Poopy Diapers — Would Make a Bad President (futuretwit.com)

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Sometimes the stupid things catch up to them as adults. Mitt Romney is in that PR hell now. He supposedly led a group of boys – there’s that leadership thing he goes on and on about – and held down a kid with a ponytail, cut it off, and badgered the kid for being gay. That’s the sort of thing that causes kids to commit suicide these days. It probably did back then too, you just didn’t hear about it as often because suicide besmirched the family reputation so much it was hidden as often as not.

The Romney Hairborne Legion Attacks

One of the bully boys met the poor hairless sot later in life. He learned that, indeed, the kid had been gay and the Romneycut had been a life changing affair. The member of the Romney Hairborne Legion apologized. It came late, but at least the guy apologized and owned up to his stupid youth.

On the other hand, Mitt first categorically denied it happened. Then he said it, um, MIGHT have happened and if it did he apologized. He defended his stupid youth by passing off the incident, if it happened at all, as a “prank” and using the bee’s knees, 1930 buzzword of the day, “hijinx”. Very jolly. Very fun. Twenty-three skidoo.

Now I’ve been on the receiving end of bullying up close and personal and stupidly reciprocated a time or two. But, a wedgie is a prank. Holding someone down, roughing them up because they’re gay, and cutting off their hair is a prank only if by prank you mean something like waterboarding.

But hey, maybe it didn’t even happen. Never know. Mittens forgot. Besides, Mitt says he didn’t know the kid was gay, because, you know, that would’ve made everything different.

Now the Mittenites have ferreted out a passage from Obama’s book, Dreams From My Father, in which he cops to once shoving a girl because his classmates teased him about the possibility that she was his girlfriend. He yelled at her and she ran away.

Some conservative pundasses – like Sean Hannity – rejoiced at this “good news”. “We have uncovered somebody who has actually admitted to engaging in real inappropriate behavior as a youth.”  He pointed out that Obama also openly admits he used drugs and alcohol as a youth, saying it “puts Romney and the bully issue to shame.”

A Drinking, Stoned College Kid…Really?

Sean, a college kid who drank too much and fired up a doob or two…in 1980 fer chrissakes? Really? Now that’s some outlaw behavior. Real send ‘em to the gallows stuff. He even copped to inhaling. Nothing like your fellow anti-bully Rush Limbaugh’s brush with OxyContin and hydrocodone though. Good thing he took his rehab time to reflect on his contention that drug addicts deserved life sentences. Change is good, eh Rush? Especially when yours is the life being sentenced.

But if you’re truthful about your own youth – because let’s face it, if you are this stupid as an adult you must’ve been a colossal moran [sic] as a kid – you probably kicked the crap out of some kid every morning before smoking the third  joint of the day while cooling your bruised dukes with a 6-Pack of Old Milwaukee. But we’ll never know because I suspect your memory on that score is as bad as the Scion of Salt Lake’s.

No true blue conservative would ever engage in such brutish, bullying behavior except, well, George the Lesser. Sort of a reverse noblesse oblige and all that. His cocaine and Wild Turkeyfests are well known. He still looks and talks like he has a little Captain in him if you catch my drift. I’d wager Skull and Crossbones had some ass-kicking hazing rituals too. But let bygones be bygones shall we?

So yes, Obama admitted his dirty deeds. Admitted them without anyone even asking. Sean, your boy can’t even remember if it happened. But you know what? However lopsided the rights and wrongs appear to be in both these cases it doesn’t much matter.

Both of them did something wrong. But once you’ve done a wrong, there is really no way to stuff it back under the rock from which it came. It sticks to you like glue.

The only thing you can do is apologize and try to make amends. Adults, when charged with stupid childish behavior, do not say, “Mom! It’s OK if I do it, he did it too!”  To which any wise Mom (or voter) would answer, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Two stupid kids don’t make a President either.

Related articles

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• ‘Mitt Romney Was a High School Bully’ (goodolewoody.wordpress.com)
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• Presidential Campaign Becomes The Bully Versus The Bullied (lezgetreal.com)
• Borowitz Report – My School Days (mbcalyn.com)
• Mitt Romney Was A Gay-Bashing, Physically-Abusive Bully in High School (kylemarchand.com)
• Mitt Romney’s ‘hijinks’ seen as bullying today (sacbee.com)
• Romney sorry for high school pranks, denies bullying (ctv.ca)
• Romney: Sorry for school pranks (timesleader.com)

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Intellectual Bitches

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!

Yo! It’s No McRib, Fo’ Shizzle

Every High School Has One

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It’s not new to obfuscate political motives by coming up with ludicrous names for things. Bush the Lesser was a master of the craft. Seldom have these ideological splinters in the ass of the nation been clear enough to figure out just what in the hell they means.

Sometimes it’s something hideous, like a war – the “War on Terror” should more correctly have been called “The War of Error”. Our troops and citizens in Iraq were the only ones terrorized in that stupid war.

Legislation doesn’t escape either.  I’d wager not many people recognize “Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorists” as the PATROT Act. And political action committees, especially now that they’re allowed to contribute gobs of money with little or no transparency, do their best to play the old bait and switch name game. Thanks Supremes.

A recent list of ludicrous PAC names shows just how goofy the naming can be. For example, three different names not only don’t reveal what they represent but seem to misunderstand that whole space/time continuum thing. Get a load of these:

• “Americans for a Better Tomorrow Today”
• “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow”
• “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Yesterday” (This one is particularly thorny since it must defy the laws of physics to happen…not that all PACs don’t do that to one degree or another. For some, science is nothing more than a big lie perpetrated by evil college elites and illegal Kenyans).

Neither the “We Believe in USA” PAC nor the “We Love USA” PAC give a clue as to what they “believe” nor what they propose other than “love” and “belief” – neither of which require money to demonstrate. Furthermore, who in America, aside from the random “Islamoterrorist” (that’s a mouthful too) doesn’t love and believe in their country in some way.

“Americans Wanting Truth in Politics” doesn’t mention whose “truth” they want while the “Citizen’s Alliance for Better Candidates” doesn’t say what should be better or how they managed to let both Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum slip through their presumably expensive “better” filters.

“Americans for More Rhombus”, “Just Drink the Koolaid” [sic, you morans], “Citizens Benighted” (though calling yourself ignorant seems like a questionable money raising tactic), and “The Dump Him Project” are shockingly loony. “Citizens Against the Peripheral Canal and Other Wasteful Projects” suggests there must be a Peripheral Canal to Nowhere someplace. Sarah Palin, being an expert of “nowhere projects”, can clear this one up for us peraps. You betcha.

It seems there are lots of Shamus Romney supporters too. Mittens comes out on the short end of the rawhide bone with:

• “The DogPac”
• “Dogs Against Romney”
• “I Ride Inside – The Pets Against Romney Committee”
• “Mitt is Mean – The Animal Lovers Against Romney Committee”.

No word yet on whether there is a “Dachshunds Against Undocumented Muslims Eating Dog Meat” PAC, though you’d think it would be a big winner amongst the wieners.

It just makes you want to take the advice of the “Rethink PAC” name, which seems the sanest idea I’ve heard today.

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Could This Be The New Madonna?

Rolling in the Deep – Japanese Version

Looka Dat Body

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Katy Perry Kissed a Marine and Liked it

Katy Perry Kissed a Marine and Liked It – Right Wing Commentary

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Well That’s Disturbing

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