The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

“We, the people of the great (or not) state of Topsyturvistan are proud (or not) to nominate (or not) Hillary Clinton (or not) as the next President (or not) of these great (or not) United (or not) States of America! (or not!)”

The clock’s ticking down to the Democratic convention and the party finds itself where it usually does every four years, acting like a bunch of crazed hamsters escaping their cages only to put their fuzzy little heads upon the Republicans’ chopping block. If they aren’t careful, we’ll see another demonstration that hamsters really can run around like chickens with their heads cut off, even if the executioner is so old he needs Karl Rove to help him swing the axe.

After months of negotiations as tense as those between Georgian and Russian peace negotiators, Hillary will formally be placed in nomination for the Presidency. The nomination is an exercise in making the best of a really crappy situation. In the process, it will probably make no real difference to the democratic cause while simultaneously giving Republicans yet another chance to portray Democrats as the party of the big tent - unfortunately, one with beavers gnawing at the tent poles.

Clintonistas seem to be all over the map as to the advisability of this political stagecraft. The cooler heads think she should have been the nominee, but agree that the “old white haired dude” isn’t a viable alternative to the new Messiah. At the other end of the spectrum are those whose clarion call is, “Hell no, we ain’t getting over it!” This group breaks into subcategories. Category 1 are those who’ve already jumped ship to Walnut’s dingy. Cat 2 voters who’ve jumped ship for a less-odious, but ultimately just as democratically damaging, alternative. And Cat 3, those who believe this isn’t all a pre-fixed masquerade that can be changed by loud protests and full-page newspaper ads.

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When he ran for VP and campaigned for the Presidency, John Edwards carefully cultivated an image with more than a passing resemblance to John F. Kennedy. He was perpetually smiling and perfectly coiffed at all times. Both men were rich, but unlike JFK, Edwards’ wealth was self-made and he traded heavily on his personal story of overcoming a hardscrabble youth to become a contender for World’s Most Powerful Man. When his wife Elizabeth’s cancer relapsed, he was the quintessential picture of a devoted family man. He seemed like a golden boy, but for much of that time, John Edwards had a secret.

He had an affair.

There’s no doubt his peccadilloes are disappointing and provide plenty of ammunition for detractors shoot his way. In fact, Edwards even invited the shots. “I started to believe I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic. If you want to beat me up, feel free,” he invited.

I’m sure many people will.

I won’t be one of them.

BJs in the Oval Office
Yes, affairs are wrong. Bill Clinton knows. He paid dearly for his “sin”. But his wasn’t getting blow jobs in the Oval Office. He was impeached for lying to a grand jury. Many claimed his impeachment was a witch hunt over a tiny white lie. There’s merit to that charge, but he did break the law and in a pristine legal democracy he got what was coming to him - even if I think it was a gross misapplication of the law. Unfortunately, our current President feels perjuring himself about wars and torture doesn’t apply to his august arse. I’d argue his “sins” are much worse the Bill’s and if we’re really all about respecting the rule of law, war crimes ought to be good for at least a 30-year stay at the Leavenworth Hilton.

But I digress.

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Depending on which McCain ad you see, Johnny Walnuts thinks Obama is either a rock star or Charlton Heston wannabee. As the ads correctly assert, the O-Man can fire up a crowd and get them thinking seditiously about hope and change. However, McCain seems to think the ability to talk to the masses is somehow a failing in a potential president. I suppose that’s proven by the lack of tributes to McCain’s or Bush’s ability to pack the house with barn-burning speechifying.

Despite what Johnny Not Bush would have you believe, great oratory is an important skill for the Leader of the Kinda of Free World^TM. Although it isn’t the only criterion, a President who can inspire people actually gets things done. Certainly more done than an oratorical oaf who’s idea of inspiration is “my way or the highway” said through a mouthful of Crawford’s finest cow crap. And now, in the opening days of Dumbya’s Farewell Asia Tour, the Chump-in-Chief demonstrates what happens when your speeches consist of malapropisms and unneeded bluster.

Johnny, please take note.

Hundreds of South Koreans - you know, the ones who aren’t in the Axis of Evil - rioted during Dumbya’s first stop on his Farewell to Asia Tour. About 18,000 of Seoul’s Finest responded with a good old fashioned beat-down of the “adoring” crowd. In what’s become classic Bushonian irony, the planned prayer breakfast and pro-American speeches were to have taken place under balloons and banners welcoming El Jefe.

Bush may not claim to be a rock star, but he does think he’s a swell fella who regularly talks to the Big Guy - it’s just not clear whether he means the actual Big Guy or Charlton Heston. In this case, he did manage to pack the house with nearly Obama-like numbers, but people hated the guy so much they were willing to take a water cannon up the ass to show their displeasure…in a country that’s overwhelmingly pro-American.

Of course, John Boy hasn’t had misfortune on this scale quite yet. For one thing, he’s never been close to drawing a throng - except for titties and beer conventions - his draws are usually more like monthly meetings of the Kokomo Lion’s Club. But Walnuts has that special Bush talent. Every day he works diligently to talk out of both sides of his mouth while forgetting questions and basic geography. He still needs a little work on malapropisms to be a master like Yoda W. Bush, but I’m convinced he has it in him.

So at this point, I’m a roadie for the “inexperienced” Messianic rock star who isn’t ready to lead. Better him than a Zen malapropism master’s apprentice who has enough “experience” to prove he’s even less ready.

Besides, I’m not a big fan of water cannons up the kiester. Call me funny that way.

The Poobah is a featured contributor at Bring It On!

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