Get Off My Lawn!

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I have trust issuesI’ll be 61 in a few weeks. Getting older is making me cranky. I am becoming the old guy screaming at the kids to get off my lawn. But the thing is, sometimes the old guy is screaming at the kids for a good reason…the kids are being irrational, selfish, mean-spirited, willfully ignorant shit bags with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and a persecution complex.

(Clears throat)

Hillary Hangers

She’s dragging enough baggage to require a team of Sherpas to get through the TSA. While she hasn’t been convicted of anything, she’s displayed some of the most questionable decision-making skills this side of George W. Bush. After being married to possibly the most effective campaigner on Earth, the only thing she learned was to act like a lawyer with no appreciation for the fact that people fucking HATE lawyers.

Hillary Hangers, stop pretending Hill is the second coming of Obama. She’s not. She’s a marginal candidate who sucks somewhat less than Drumpf, which is like saying you prefer a punch in the face to a kick in the gut. Get off my lawn!

Bernie Bots

Your guy is head and shoulders above the other two, but he doesn’t walk on water. Some of you really are vengeful little shits, just as much so as some people on the other side. Despite your firm belief in unicorns, the only practical way he is going to win the nomination is by a combination of Common Core math, eye of newt, and the severed leg of a toad. 

He’s not even a registered Democrat in his own damned state! He’s lucky the party elite is allowing him to run at all. Is the primary process fucked up beyond belief? Yes! Politicians designed it. What do you expect?! But rules, even onerous ones, is rules. You lost. 

I’m all for high-minded principles, I really am, but after 61 years I know when I’ve been licked. Suck it up buttercups. fall in line, and get with someone who has a modest chance to win the election.

It sucks. It hurts. It is morally shitty and makes vomit come into your mouth, but your alternative is an overpriced ticket to Apocalypse Now 2: The Ego That Killed the Nation. Get off my lawn! (Bernie can stay because he is a cranky old guy too.)

Trumpster Divers

There is a reason your candidate polls somewhere south of Satan. Satan thinks he is a sociopath. He has an ego so yuuuge  it has its own gravity field. He respects no one, including himself. He’s just too willfully ignorant to see it. Narcisus would be so proud of his little boy.

But no matter how much he acts like a racist, he isn’t one. That suggests an actual belief in an ideology other than the Church of Wasted Hair Follicles. He’d blow a Mexican in Times Square on Cinco de Mayo if he thought the guy would genuflect to him as he crawled under the not-so-great, bought and paid for, Maginot wall.

He  tells it like it is only if you mean truth as seen by a congenital liar. Dick Cheney could learn a thing or two from this construction-cone colored dimwit. His sole redeeming feature is hair that looks like a diseased beaver pelt.

I’d tell all of you to get off my lawn, but you need to be someplace where an adult can keep you off the street and protect you and the rest of the country from yourselves.

Independents

I actually like you. You have a moral center. You have a plethora of good ideas. But the United Federation of Planets Party isn’t going to win.

You are an essential part of the political ecosystem. Stick with your strong suit. You are our conscience. You keep the true shitheads honest. But you are also like a cranky Sisyphus. 

You can stay on the lawn, but please mow it because you need something to give you a sense of accomplishment.

He-Man, Black, Woman, Lesbian, Transgender-Hater Clubbers

There really is such a thing a white male privilege, sexism, and racism. Denying that is like a blind man saying everyone is blind because they just can’t see the big elephant standing in front of them.

Racial profiling is a real thing.  Women actually do make far less money for the same work. It really isn’t your place to tell people where they can piss, what kind of sex they can have, or what religions or non-religions are OK by your chosen Sky Pilot.

Your constant whining about persecution would be laughable if it didn’t give me a headache bigger than Ulysses S. Grant on a Fourth of July bender. Whether you think you say racist, sexist, misogynistic things with all innocence, they aren’t innocent. Arguing over whether white people can say nigger because some black people do is the same as saying it is OK for me to call you assholes because some assholes call other assholes, assholes. If you hang out with assholes, don’t be so whiny when someone calls you one. Look in the mirror instead.

I especially dislike you, so walk, don’t run, the fuck off my lawn before I grab a legally-registered, NRA-approved,  fully automatic shotgun and fill your ass with a load of Second Amendment-protected buckshot.

Anti-He-Man, Black Woman, Lesbian, Transgender-Hater Clubbers

In general, you are screwed far more than anyone deserves, and much of that vitriol comes from white men. But here’s a dirty little secret. Despite your assuredness that all white men stride the face of the Earth as titans of all they survey because they have external plumbing, you’re wrong. Sometimes men’s problems are as big or bigger than yours. But, telling them to shut up because they mention it is treating them a lot like…HEY! like they sometimes treat you. 

Some of you are fond of telling white men they just don’t understand what it means to be part of a minority. That’s true. It is equally true that you have little understanding of what it is truly like to be a white male. Sometimes my life is better than yours, sometimes it isn’t as cushy as you think. The point is, no one wins when you view prolems as a shitfest competition. (

Yes, I know, easy for me to say as a white male. You can get off the lawn now! If the rest of you want to stick around and help solve this mess, let me grab you a lawn chair.

I need a stiff drink and a nap.


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