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Dear People Who Think Trump is a Racist,

Trump is no more racist than Martin Luther King. He has no convictions except as relative to his weave. He IS a craven, one-man shitstorm who would blow every person of color on the planet in Times Square, while wearing a Red Lobster hat, and singing a duet with the Naked Cowboy if he thought it would get him a single line of ink (positive or negative) in the Drudge Report.

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Unlike your husband, you are one of the worst campaigners in political history. You are decidedly not a “Comeback Kid”, but you are a campaigner with a positively Bushinan ability to stuff victory back into the jaws of defeat by doing stupid, stupid things. Exhibit A: Emails.

Regardless of legality, even a third grader knows that for a classroom President candidate, keeping the classroom’s crayons in your personal book bag for “safekeeping” guarantees you’ll be taking the short bus home.

Dear People Set on Taking Their Country Back,

It is NOT your country. It is OUR country. You just live here like the rest of us. If you don’t like the direction the country is going, stop running in the opposite direction with your fingers in your ears while screaming NA,NA,NA,NA…If you are dead set to live in 1908, there is the door, don’t let it hit you in your whiny ass on the way into the time machine. It is, after all, a free country.

Dear Berners,

Not every disagreement with Green Mountain Sam is a personal affront to your sensibilities. It isn’t true and it makes you sound like a pitiful Mitch McConnell. Have a debate, stop acting like Tea Baggers for chrissakes.

Clintonistas, read that same paragraph, except replace Green Mountains Sam with Benghazi Barb.

Dear Black Live Matter Members,

Bullshit. All lives do matter and if they don’t to you, you are no better than those who take so many of yours. Yes, you can argue that you’ve not been allowed to speak out forever and ever, so you get a pass because it somehow steals your thunder. Sorry, bad defense.

As you often rightfully point out, words mean something. Speech that limits whose lives matter is a political slogan, separate from the crucial social movement to stop people from needlessly dying.

Oh, and all you racism deniers over there, wipe that cracker-ass smirk off your face. Refusing to face the problem because you  are butthurt over not getting equal billing at the slogan store is a non-starter.

Ignoring statistically verifiable racism is the same as working to create it. Don’t whine that you get called a racist when you support racist practices with your silence or outright denials. There is a reason the saying, “where there is smoke, there is fire” is a saying.

Dear Lamestream Republicans,

Don’t even try to blame the media, liberals, out of touch voters, or the Obamunist for tossing your party in the Trumpster. You created the twatwaffle. You encouraged his ilk with an endless string of “let’s stick it to the black guy” shit, and you stood around like a double-blind Hellen Keller as he rose to power like a weak-chinned Mussolini.  

I’d say you created the problem, you fix it, but you trapped us all in it with your grossly incompetent crapulence. Quoth Jerry Garcia, “Somebody has to do something, it’s just incredibly pathetic it has to be us.” He could see the problem and he was high as a kite when he thought of it. 

Dear Values Voters,

Voting a single “issue” is stupid and makes you not only part of the problem, but one of the main reasons for the problem. Leave people to live their lives and purchase their dildos of choice.

The chief characteristic of “values voting” is that it is utterly and completely valueless. A smart person would probably catch onto that. Empty the rocks out of your box, will ya?

Dear “The Republican Party is Imploding” People,

No they aren’t.  Earth could be hit by a Jupiter-size meteor that turns the planet into a sparkling snow globe of sand-glass and they would survive just like thr cockroaches after Nagasaki. They’ll just change their name. Remember the Whigs?

Dear “Let the People Speak” About a Scalia Replacement,

The people already spoke. After eight long years you are still in denial about elections having consequences. Not surprising since you either think there are no consequences or that someone else caused the problems that caused the consequences.

You are almost certainly correct that Democrats would hold up a vote if the shoe was on the other foot (though I’d like to think they would at least put up a half-assed attempt to look genuine, unlike you morons), But, “Mommy, Johnny did it toooo” is not a defense.

It is his job to put up HIS choice, not yours. It is his Constitutional responsibility to do that expeditiously. It is yours to STFU, advise and consent, and turn down any and all candidates he sends you for spite. Get on with it you myopic, whining speed bump of a Dr. Seuss character. 

“Whaaaaaaa, everyone says I’m being the unreasonable one,” said Yertle from the top of his turtle mountain. 

Neither leap years nor presidential elections are present in nature, so it is supremely ironic they  coincide in presidential election years. If there is anything we don’t need, it is an extra day to make the situation worse than the smoking hole it already is. It is enough to piss one off.

Please Dear Asscakes, read my little notes from the proper perspective…you are all carbuncles on the ass of society.