Oh Iraq, Our Troublesome Child

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Fighting in FalujahOh Iraq, our troublesome child. You are our wayward kid with a drug problem. Always in trouble, and try as we might, undeniably unfixable.

Everyone is both right and wrong to blame someone else. Georges Greater Lesser screwed the pooch like a Great Dane on a Wiener Dog in heat. Obama inherited the family Georges’ steaming heaps of dog poo. But he ran for office to get them so he can’t call backsies now.

Both the Gulf War Coalition and the Coalition of the Inept played their parts too. Poland, you little minx. And Japan, bravely offering your aid but no troops. We see you hiding behind that dune.

Everyone looked bad and they were all doomed to look bad before anyone on the face of the Earth was alive. The Iraqis are the real bad guys because they’ve been murdering each other since the invention of dirt. There was only one unlikely hero if your measure of a hero is keeping Iraqis from killing each other — Saddam Hussein.

Iraq has been troublesome since before some people believe there was an Earth — 10,000 years more or less. It’s been part of 11 kingdoms, two caliphates, and several modern governments. It’s been run and overrun by an unending series of tyrants and nut cases forever. But, it wasn’t a formal, unified country with relatively stable boundaries until 1921 when the Brits — damn those crumpet eaters — indiscriminately drew the modern borders and started the latest near-century of woe. No wonder the Iraqis are always in a foul mood.

Until recently, when we stood down while the Iraqis fell down, Saddam and the minority Muslim Sunnis ran the place. But, they lost control when Saddam lost his head. The Shia, who hate the Sunnis because their Mohammad is holier than the Shiites’ thought beating the Sunnis like a rug in retaliation was a swell idea. Up north the titularly Muslim Kurds hated the Sunnis and Shiites while everyone, including the neighboring Turks, hated them.

Let’s sing We Are the World Iraq

The “country” has been a boiling cauldron of malice for centuries but recently, with heavy artillery that really outclassed the old wild ponies and scimitars, fighting overflowed. The only period of relative peace was between 1973-2001 when the tyrant Saddam terrorized the place.

Terrorist yes, and he may have been a terrible man with psycho sons, but he had some redeeming features.

Aside from the thousands he killed, he kept the overall death count pretty low. Electricity was reliable and their educational system and clean water was the envy of people the Third World over. People had enough food and medicine. True, the Mukhabarat might pop in to pull out your fingernails, but the kids could usually play in the street and you could get a nice cup of tea with your cookies. Not cushy, but better than being blown apart while soaking in your own bathtub, which is what happens now.

Saddam pulled this off precisely because he was so ruthless. Piss him off and you ended up on the wrong end of a truncheon or having your village wiped out by gas. You might not admire his methods, but he kept the trains running on time as they say. To a degree, we all benefited from this evil ecosystem.

Whether Iraqis were better off being bullied or killed is up for debate. Before Saddam retired to the Underground Winter Hidy Hole the Sunnis certainly liked the arrangement more than the Shia and they both much prefered it to the Kurds who lived in Saddam’s personal chemical warfare test grounds. The rest of the world pretty much thought good riddance to bad trash, because Saddam really was a pest for them and no one was shooting at US.

Everything Changed When Bar’s Boys Arrived

The invasion of Kuwait was a passable reason for war. Back in the day, one country invading another was bad form, especially when their Godfather was Uncle Sam.

The first George had the good sense to let his military sensibly plan and bomb Saddam back to the stone age with a minimum of muss and fuss. The Republican Guard limped back home, but just when Papa Bush had them on the ropes, he inexplicably decided to leave.

Sorry General Schwarzkopf, that’s all she wrote.

It’s hard to tell if Pre-W was Bush-tailed crafty and understood the usefulness of Saddam’s psycho side or he had some other reason. Either way he left Saddam to his own devices with no-fly zones for non-existent fighter jets already running to the Iranian border for lamb tacos and political asylum. “Yo quiero helicopters?” Pffft, no problemo.

Pulling Down SaddamWhen George One left, Saddam built a few more golden palaces and put the hammer back down. The lights came on, the water flowed, and the Iraqis once again had nothing to fear but Saddam himself. As he’d already shown, he was a great conductor at keeping the Train of Terror running on time. He brought relative peace, but get the hell outa town with that harmony shit.

Then came the All Hat Cowboy. He reinvaded. Who knows why? Everyone has a theory, but the only one who knows  for sure are Shrub and the Big Dick Cheney. One was choking on pretzels and the other shot a guy in the face, so I’m skeptical of both. Unlike Dad, who knew how to run a war, Junior couldn’t run a second-rate baseball team much less a country. We all know how that worked out.

Watching him and his Coalition of the Inept was like watching the Three Stooges. Nothing went right. Victory was always right around infinity-squared corners, but there was always one more.

The people criticizing Barry O. for declaring victory upon withdrawal now forget that Shrub declared victory too, in 2003. Mission Accomplished! But that pesky killing went on and he had to start calling “suicide bombers”,  “homicide bombers” to keep the prols distracted. The names, like the peace, never stuck and George got the hell out of dodge before he was stuck with his self-created dog shit.

‘Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee, That Colored Boy Sure is a Rube’

Enter Barry, poor Barry. He walked right into that one. He promised the boys were coming home. It was the popular thing to do and a tacit admission that unless we planned to leave troops there until Star Date 16 Million Aught 4 it was also pragmatic.

I’m sure he knew the Iraqi government couldn’t handle it. We’d been waiting for them to stand up so we could stand down for nigh on a decade and they still tripped over their costly American-shod feet. Hell, the government lost several months getting started because they couldn’t agree on the shape of a table. Not surprisingly, the peace didn’t stick…again.

Now all those places we fought so hard for are slipping back into bad men’s hands, worse hands than the first batch who were never there to begin with. We know, we looked. Now, the Iraqis have finally found their feet and are using them to run as fast as they can away from the fight. They’re leaving all that heavily mortgaged armor we gave them and the bad guys are building a pretty good army with it. It is not a good thing to have an enemy and pay to arm him with borrowed money you still don’t have.

John McTheusela and Nellybottom Graham think the O-Man is dilly-dallying and he is; who can blame him? Go back in there, kick ass and take names they say, which is easy for 77 and 58-year old desk jockies to say. McThusela forgets that if the Vietnam war hadn’t stopped he’d still be in the Not Presidential suite at the Hanoi Hilton. Nether one has a plan to rearm the Iraqis without us staring down the barrels of seized guns while we cut off Food Stamps to pay for them. But, that never stopped them from being douche nozzles before.

‘We Could’ve Had a War Except for Those Goldbricking Welfare Queens’

But, Barry really is dithering. Send back the troops? Yeah, that’ll go over like a lead balloon, plus we’ll be stuck in the middle again. Bomb them back to the stone age? It’s shockful and awesome and all, but it doesn’t hold ground, especially when the ground holders all fled to Jordan. Arm the Iraqi army, well we just talked about that, didn’t we? Sanctions? There’s no one left to sanctify. Covert action? The SEALS are good, but not good enough to take back an entire country where everyone has hated each other for centuries.

Hate, therein lies the problem. Everyone can blame someone else. The countries that supported making the mess can say, “Aw, that’s a shame. Good luck with that”. People can run from the problem — Cheney, Iraqi army, we see you behind that Bush.

There is hate. And although there are plenty of options, including doing nothing, not a damn one is workable. We dug a hole and we hit bedrock. And still there is nothing but stupid, unending hate.

The only thing that trumps hate is a vicious Saddam-like guy who hates so much it snuffs out the collective hate of everyone else. But even that guy can’t hold it forever. Look at the actuarial tables for former tyrants. It is not good. Saddam would vouch for that if his head and body were reunited.

The ONLY people who can stop this warring are the warriors. Until they realize killing each other over a worthless patch of sand or a flat note from the muezzin at the other guy’s mosque is stupid they will go on killing. The only hope is a new Saddam who is strong enough to slap the religious fanatics into submission and sit on them with his big, brutal ass so they don’t get up. Only then will there be anything resembling peace and even it won’t last forever. Our only hope is that another Saddam comes along and when he does, let’s prop that sumbitch up. Maybe not so great for the Iraqis, but better for us and cheaper too.

After all, we’ve made some unbelievably stupid moves, but there would have been there to make them if the real imbeciles were smarter.

Give Us Some Choice Words