Louie Gohmert Isn’t a Wingnut

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Louie Gohmert is Like Forest GumpLouie Gohmert (R-WTFistan) isn’t a wingnut. He is the nut, bolt, and the entire clown car to which they are attached. He is famous for his conspiracy theories, bronze age technical/medical “knowledge”, and his creative lunacy of impeccable quality. In short, he isn’t from around here. He is from a different ZIP code.

Conventional wisdom says there is a civil war over the heart of the Republican Party. That is true, but the armies fighting the war aren’t the same ones everyone thinks.

Democrats have their share of firebrands, but there is usually a small kernel of truth in their ideological positions. Some statistic, some verifiable statement, some basic understanding of gravity may make their position a stretch, but rarely a total negation of the world as we know it.

Bumper Crop of Artistes de Stupid

On the other hand, Republicans seem to have a world-class bumper crop of artistes de stupid in their ranks. These people aren’t conservative or right-winged, they are so far away they’ve flung themselves over the cliff at the edge of their flat earth. In this war, they are revolutionaries so crazy they attack machine gun nests with no fear, but set them up and fire upon themselves just to be true to their principles — which include being some of the stupidest, most intransigent, and arrogant people on the planet. They really believe the shit they sling.

…we heard that if they ever put that pipeline up to Prudhoe Bay, it would kill off the last 2,900 caribou that were in the area, that we just couldn’t do that. It would destroy their mating habits. Turns out, caribou now, when they want to go on dates, invite each other to go to the pipeline on cold winter nights because that oil is warm going through the pipeline and it makes them amorous. And now we’re up to 30,000 caribou in that herd. So it turns out man and caribou and polar bears can do just fine.” — Louie Gohmert on wildlife preservation

If there were ever “moderate” Republicans, they left the building long ago. There are no more conservatives. The Tea Baggers have ethnically cleansed everyone described by almost any word other than conservative. If you looked up the word “conservative” in the dictionary you’d not see a picture of Louie. You’d see an empty square with the words, “Photo Not Available” in it. Conservatives are no longer in the war. Teabagria wiped them out with toxic tea bombs.

The Tea Baggers are one wing of a Coalition of the Inept. The other are the semi-sane people like Ted Cruz and John McThuselah who aren’t so much stupid as craven opportunists who would throw grandma and her little dog Toto too under the bus if they saw an angle serving their interests. A crack media army that thoughtfully and intelligently says insane things to appeal to their allies, the loons are their allies. Like the craven politicians, they are the craven liars who never saw a truth they wouldn’t twist to get better ratings and street cred from their truly insane allies.

The Republican Dirty War wasn’t so bad when the Baggers were just a hearty little band of survivalists holed up in the local VFW hall to talk guns, revolution, and the dangers of Kenyan Obamunists. The adults hadn’t yet left the burning building. They’d leave only after the survivalists built a campfire on the bar insisting that fire was an eastern elite plot to convince people wood doesn’t burn.

The elite could’ve squashed the mouthy little upstarts with a few bucks from a Chevron or a J.P. Morgan. They might preach a conservative dogma, but they understood they weren’t the only people in the country and to get some of what you want is a more intelligent way to keep things running and money rolling in, than demanding it all — when you are a clear minority, not to mention a clear and present danger.

The Baggers Like Gohmert Have Won

The pundocracy thinks there is still a battle. The truth is, the war is over and the Baggers have won. The ironically named Republican intelligentsia that still have brains (even if they don’t use them) are tired and rag-tag. Their best and only defense is to throw up their hands and treat the Bags like the petulant little children they are. The Bags have outlasted Mommy and Daddy with their truly evil behavior.

“If you want ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner go ahead. I won’t stop you. I just can’t do this any more. Maybe it’ll give you a terminal case of lactose intolerance and you’ll shit yourself to death,” Mom and Dad say.

No way. Given the chance, the ravenous Baggers will eat everything in sight and continue to spread. They will eat the remaining Republicans, the Democrats, each other, and pick their teeth with the bones of a hollow nation.

Unless someone shows some political fortitude and tells the foot stomping little bastards to STFU, we’re all doomed. If they don’t listen, cuff them to their desks. If they continue, stop rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic long enough to chuck them and their desks into the frigid sea. If that doesn’t work, have North Korea nuke them back to the stone age. Take the gloves off and fight them on land, sea, and air!

Louie Gohmert, we’re coming for you.

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