Creepy is as Creepy Does: Blue Ribbon Fetuses at the State Fair

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Fetus Doll, ND State Fair

The anti-abortion lobby has mostly abandoned its old tricks — like murdering doctors in the name of life — and moved on to more law-abiding ways to intrude in personal decisions. Their new weapon is very creepy.

Panels of men are changing laws in late-hour votes and after supersonic “debate” to create ever creepier ways to make the lawless, law-abiding.

They play amateur gynecologist and shove medical equipment up women’s vajayjays against their will, the advice of their doctor, and for no reason other than to see if a fuzzy, pixellated bean photo will scare the bejeebers out of women. It does — the equipment, not the bean. Besides, women with ultrasound wands hanging from their nether regions are in no mood for abortion lectures.

‘Me? Try to Shut Abortion Clinics?’

They play with the expensive vaginal gizmos and write real scripts for doctors to tell women in the most stressful situations all the “facts”. Just to make it stick, they’ll arrest the doctor if she actually offers scientific medical advice.

Then there are the defunding gambits, the medical necessity gambits, the deficient clinic gambits, and the just plain let’s just be assholes gambits. All the while, they grin and say, “Whaa? Me? Try to shut abortion clinics? Nah, we’re just being careful and lowering taxes. Nothing to do with dishonestly closing clinics. Move along. Noting to see here.”

Creepiness is a hallmark of this crowd. They’ve held up photos of bloody fetuses and occasionally real ones for years, presumably solemnly salvaged from the procedures they abhor. But there’s a new creep show on town or more accurately at the North Dakota State Fair.

Right there between the blue ribbon goats and apple pie baking contests an anti-abortion group passed out plastic fetus dolls in candy bags. They showed overwhelming respect for the “unborn” by pressing the plastic flesh into the hands of all comers like Watchtower zealots stand on your front porch throwing incomprehensible pamphlets at you and screeching you are hell-bound lest you join their mirth-filled band.

Oh yeah, and did I mention some of those kids were five years old?

Rob Port, anti-abortion editor of the conservative blog “Say Anything” said his 5-year-old daughter got one without his permission. “My daughter wasn’t sure what it was; she handed it to me with a weird look on her face,” he said. “She’s five. She doesn’t even know how babies are made.”

Even anti-abortion parents were outraged. Throwing dead baby dolls at little girls who still think babies come by stork or cabbage leaves is one hell of an alternative form of birth control.

This is creepy. Creepy in the way that pro-abortion forces would be if they removed the hangars from the gingham dress display and demonstrated how illegal abortions are just a wee bit dangerous.

No One Knows Creepy Like a Crapweasel

No one likes abortions, least of all the women who have them. If you want to stop abortion, do something useful BEFORE real fetuses are involved. Teach kids how women get pregnant, how to prevent it, and all the awful choices they face if they don’t use protection. Explain the diseases that could affect them and abort the baby anyway. Explain the challenges of caring for a baby born with half a brain. Teach them rape prevention so they don’t have to carry a scumbagless whacko’s baby against her will. Send the girls to real medical experts to explain all the options sans scripts, icky photos, and buzzy cameras. And dammit, unless you undergo a dull catheter procedure in respectful sympathy for the women, stop sticking things where they don’t belong. That fits the definition of rape in half the states.

But if you can’t do that, at least be adults and stop throwing womb Barbies around at the fair. Let kids and parents enjoy their time together over a corn dog or funnel cake before you force them into this no-win choice.

Confusing and scaring kids and parents is not helpful. It is not respectful. It is creepy and wrong.

And no one knows creepy like a crapweasel.

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