Are Debates Even Worth It?

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Debates and Undecided Voters

We’re half way through debate season and every media outlet and water cooler in the nation reeks with the stench of idle speculation. A million Tweets are aflutter with who won, who lied, and this year’s novelty bitchfest – moderator bashing. Sure, interest is high, but are debates even worth it?

Campaigns design them to capture the hearts and minds of a miniscule slice of the electorate. These people can’t make up their minds if the ghost of Charlton Heston held a gun to their heads. They stare at their closets every morning trying to decide what to wear. Given the chance, they would change clothes six more times for the flimsiest of whimsy. In short, they are the Kim Kardashians of the voting world. Bush didn’t win his election because people watched him mush-mouth his way through a debate. He won because Floridians were too stupid to operate a ballot.

Half of the undecideds won’t show up to vote, despite what they tell pollsters now. The other half will walk into the booth, close their eyes, and punch a chad next to any random name. This explains how La Rouchers always get votes running on a platform of Queen Elizabeth being a drug dealer.

Slinging words.Debates come much too late in the election cycle to expose anything new. Everyone already knows about the 47% rule, the fuzzy math from both sides, and the Libyan terrorism connections. Fact checkers have already told the world whose pants are on fire. Yet, almost everyone will vote their ideological persuasions because, well, Fox News and MSNBC are the very epitomes of unbiased fact checking and sane discussion. But the important point is most PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY DECIDED and debates won’t change their mind any more than Jerry Sandusky will stop abusing kids.

Today’s debates are nothing more than bad Kabuki too. The Federal Election Commission and candidates conspire on rules to remove 99% of the spontaneity. Plus, the agreement details are incredible – “In the event of fire, both candidates have two minutes to discuss the fire. The Republican candidate can yell ‘47% of the building is on fire!’ The Democrat can yell ‘In my administration we never had a single fire in this building!’ The moderator, who is unaware this agreement exists, will calmly tell the crowd to leave the theatre in an orderly fashion. All three will yell ‘TAX CUTS’ as the crowd leaves.”

American elections are a zany travesty. They are orders of magnitude too long and incredibly expensive. Wealthy people and corporate “citizens” can buy them and hide their identity as they do it. There is no incentive for anyone to tell the truth, and lately, candidates are no longer candidates, but brands – KFC FOR ME! Debates are a PBS-sized part of the problem, but they are low hanging fruit as they say at Bain.

Americans are steadfast in their wish to vote by remote control and debates run counter to that. They amount to fork-tongued crapweasels stealing the remote. Let’s get back to American basics! It is the will of the people!

“GET THAT CRAP OFF AND BRING ON DANCING WITH THE STARS!”

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