ROMNEY TO EXECUTE BIG BIRD ON NATIONAL TV!

Font Size » Large | Small


Yes Virginia, there is a Big Bird

We haven’t seen headlines like this in a long time. SNEAK ATTACK ON HAWAII! NIXON RESIGNS! KIM K. TO MAKE SEX TAPE WITH KANYE! ROMNEY TO EXECUTE BIG BIRD ON NATIONAL TV!

Huh?

Come on, Mitt just launched one of his famous “zingers”. He even practiced them before the debate, although he probably cribbed this one from the snot jokes on his debate hanky. He didn’t mean he’d strap Big Bird to an altar, cut open his chest, and hold his still-beating faux-avian heart up as a sacrifice to the Goddess Ayn Rand. (Alternatively, Mitt could probably pitch him into a volcano too. I strongly suspect the asexual avian is a virgin.)

No, he meant he’d strap PBS to an altar, cut open its chest, and hold its still-beating pledge-broken heart up as a sacrifice to the Goddess Ayn Rand. (PBS is certainly no virgin since Republicans think it is chock-a-block with filthy references to that homo-icon Liza Minnelli.)

That’s not a new idea. Republicans hated PBS since the beginning. Why do you think their business model looks like reverse outsourcing? They couldn’t brook the, “commie, homeless, cookie thief living in a garbage can” thing. It’s programming for the eastern elites you understand.

Big Bird gives a shit about PBSSince the entire PBS budget is roughly equal to Bain’s luncheon martini bill, the Republic will not collapse – even the toddlers PBS recruits for the homosexual lifestyle using the immoral, queer Teletubbies – if it goes.

But then, it will have zero effect on the budget. So, it’s mostly a wash even though I’ll toss a petition signature or two and some money in the collection plate next pledge drive. This isn’t so much a War of Error, War on Christmas, or Class War; it’s sending an Aviary Expeditionary Force into harm’s way – without a Coalition of the Inept led by Mitch McConnell.

Don’t get me wrong. I love PBS. I like the occasional Met concert or Nova, though in the interests of full disclosure I’m not much of a 50th rerun Dr. Who fan. It’s not as if it’s totally worthless. Big Yellow puppets that read and classroom educational shows for teachers to TIVO at 3 am are useful – even if they teach ideologically unedited history and that Noah didn’t load a herd of Triceratops into the ark. Again, see the eastern elitist bias? Although, it’s hard to miss when Mitt’s humongous flag pin blocks your view.

DOWN IN FRONT!

I learned to read in a pre-Big Bird world – in fact, in a pre-PBS world. There were no cute yellow birds brought to you by the letter “C” to teach you, mainly because I could already read before TVs could show the Wonderful World of Disney, Bonanza, and Big Birds colorful plumage in “living color”. Even then, it was slow to catch on. Color TVs were very expensive, possibly foreshadowing the poor state of the current Consumer Confidence Index.

Judging from the hubbub over the much vaunted free-range reading finch, it’s unlikely Mitt will kill him. First, Congress will actually have to cut it and even Republicans are nervous birders when it comes to offing popular TV characters. Hell, 24 was on for years and they even water boarded. There would be yellow blood in the streets!

More likely, the Republicans will keep the eastern elitist programming, including that pinko yellow bird, because they need handy, safe punching bags to bully. Taking on subjects their own size is decidedly not a plank in the Republican platform. A bully could get hurt like that.

So let’s all calm down and keep our eyes on the “real issues” ball. Obama is still pinko and I hear Michelle Bachman thinks the census takers are on the way to toss us into concentration camps and throw away the fluoride. To quote another source of “the programing you love”:

SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!

Enhanced by Zemanta

Give Us Some Choice Words