Dear Abby: Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Week

Font Size » Large | Small


Pat and the Fish

AHOY CAP’N! – Pat Robertson gathers the loaves and fishes to feed the multitudes of dumbasses.

It’s a rare week when someone from the Traditional Values cabal doesn’t say something insane. This may be a result of being insane. It may be a result of too much bottle feeding as a baby. Maybe they are even geniuses and just like screwing with the rest of us. Who knows? But just for sad, sad giggles so we can keep from crying, here is some Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Weak (pun intended).

Christ-Like Pat Robertson Offers Christ-Like Advice About Christ

Pat Robertson is up to his old verbal tricks again. I was expecting him to come out with something about God sending the droughts, frying egg on the sidewalk temperatures, or the “corporations are people because I am one” argument because Paul Lynde was gay. Then, SURPRISE! It’s “Christ-like” to dump your Islamo-terrorist girlfriend. Who knew?!

Brad, a 700 Club viewer, asked Pat for some relationship advice on Monday – which is a little like asking a Catholic priest for marriage advice.

Brad has a Muslim girlfriend and he’s “worried that leaving her will turn her off to Christianity and, it isn’t exactly Christ-like.”  – which seems like an odd question considering Muslims probably aren’t too turned on by Christianity anyway – I know I’m not.

Pat’s advice was spot-on, for a zealot…’Jesus doth command, kickith thy biatch to thy curb‘. “Yes, it is Christ-like [to break up with her],” Robertson said. “In the Old Testament, they were forbidden to intermarry with the heathen.”

It wasn’t immediately clear whether Pat was referring to Muslims or Christians as being “the” heathen.

700 Club co-host Terry Meeuwsen added with Freudian slippery chuckles, “It’s funny how we twist and turn what God’s word has to say to make it right for what we want.”

Boy howdy Terry, you said it! Pat ‘whole-Christian-hearterdly’ agreed. “Jesus said, ‘I didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. He’s not gentle Jesus, meek and mild. He really isn’t.”

Well no-duh Patrick.

My Lunacy Can Top Your Lunacy Mr. Televangelist

JoPa's Halo

PATERNO’S HALO REMOVED FOR CLEANING – Former football God Joe Paterno got a demotion this week in the wake of the Penn State Scandal report.

Not to be outdone, American Family Association (AFA) radio loon, Sandy Rios, said Friday the Penn State scandal is just a front for “homosexual recruitment“.

“Through all this we cannot ignore the fact that Jerry Sandusky’s victims were all young boys,” fellow AFA nut Dianne Gramley told OneNewsNow. “We can’t ignore the homosexual aspect of this. And through Graham Spanier’s tenure as [Penn State] president, he has brought more and more homosexual-oriented programming and events to the campus than ever before.”

Homosexual-oriented events like nationally-ranked queer football apparently.

“I think that the point I want to make with this is this sounds stunning, it sounds a little bit like the priest scandal, doesn’t it?” Rios agreed on her show. “Where all of this stuff went on, where Catholic seminaries, it was just festering with homosexual activism—homosexual recruitment, I should say. A priest just turning the other way or engaging in it and not doing anything about it. So you might say, ‘well that’s shocking,’ but I think this is typical.”

Come to think of it, Rios might not be so far off on this one. JoPa and the Pope do have a lot in common.

Both men are worshipped and neither cared for kids.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Give Us Some Choice Words