Lenny Tyrannosaurus Bataar To Be Deported to Mongolia

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New York – U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara and James T. Hayes, Special Agent-in-Charge of the New York U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) office announced Thursday they are filing charges to deport a 70-million year old resident of Mongolia who fled that country and entered the U.S. illegally.

Lenny Tyrannosaurus Bataar left Mongolia sometime between 1995 and 2005 and entered the U.S. using false papers and a fake identity. Officials discovered Bataar in May of this year, but were unable to determine his whereabouts since he left Mongolia. Some fear Bataar may be a member of a previously undetected Al Qaeda plot by archaeological terrorists in the Mongolian capital of Ulaanbaatar to poach dinosaur bones for the Chinese aphrodisiac market.

Illegal Alien Nabbed at Snack Bar, Paleontologists Also Suspected

Agents apprehended Bataar eating lunch at the snack bar of the American Museum of Natural History. It is unclear if a group of paleontologists lunching with him at the time are involved. They were taken into custody and are being detained as a precaution.

Mugshot of Lenny Tyrannosaurus Bataar

Homeland Security Mugshot of Lenny Tyrannosaurus Bataar

Bataar appeared severely under-nourished when apprehended. “He had been reduced to nothing but skin and bones – well, bones anyway,” said , Chief of Paleontology at the museum. Officials said they would force feed him later this week.

In addition to the illegal entry charges, officials from both countries believe Bataar may have falsified immigration forms to indicate a personal worth of  $15,000. However, they believe his worth to be closer to $1,052,500. The owners of a Texas auction house may have helped Bataar raise the money during his time in hiding.

The Mongolian government is seeking Bataar on charges of being culturally looted. Mongolian President, Tsakhia Elbegdorj, is pleased with results of the investigation so far. “I thank and applaud the United States Attorney’s Office in this action to recover Tyrannosaurus Bataar,” Elbegdorji said.  “Cultural looting and profiteering cannot be tolerated anywhere and this cooperation between our governments is a large step forward to stopping it.”

However, U.S. political brinkmanship between the White House and Congress is ratcheting up over the case.

Congressman Darrel Issa (R-CA) immediately called for Congressional hearings about the possible direct involvement of the Obama White House in the affair.

Issa fears there are serious shortcomings in the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) security net. Issa is concerned because Bataar was apparently able to sneak through airport security despite being more than 8 ft. tall, 24 feet long, and missing his skin. TSA employees are unionized and roundly distrusted in Republican circles.

ICE also failed to recognize Bataar as a possible beneficiary of the DREAM Act.

“This is a classic example of how illegal aliens benefit from this country’s good nature at the expense of our most wealthy natural citizens. Just look at how his net worth skyrocketed in less than 10 years,” Issa said. “And he’s not even a CEO or contributor to my campaign or anything. This is unacceptable, unless he does want to contribute now.”

Issa Sees An Anti-Republican Triumvirate of Evil

“I plan to subpoena President Obama and question him personally about his obvious role in this plot,” Issa said. “As everyone knows, Barrack Husein Obama was born in Kenya and there is a strong and direct Sino-African terror link between Mongolia and Kenya.”

“The state of Hawaii is also involved and this clearly creates a Triumvirate of Evil aimed at illegally forcing Republicans from office in the upcoming elections. It’s a clear-cut case of political maneuvering and pandering for the paleontological vote, Issa said. “Mr. Obama should be ashamed, even if he is a pretender to the office of the President.”

“Besides, infallible creation science clearly proves that Bataar can be no more than 6,000 years old and not the 70 million he claims, ” Issa said. “There must be a liar someplace.”

Issa’c committee is currently involved in an imbroglio with Attorney General Eric Holder and Obama over charging Holder with contempt of Congress. Issa charges Holder failed to release three cocktail napkins involved in the ill-fated Fast and Furious gun running case.

“My committee’s current involvement in Fast and Furious may preclude us from investigating the Bataar case immediately. However, I plan to introduce a request for the impeachment of the President for his clearly unlawful and unconstitutional acts in this case,” Issa said. “I just want to get the ball rolling so we can impeach the President before November. We want, er, don’t want it to influence the election.”

“It’s a slam dunk that he’s up to something.”

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2 thoughts on “Lenny Tyrannosaurus Bataar To Be Deported to Mongolia

  1. You would think that someone this old, learned and without any skin to hide his true colors, would be a better follower of what is write. Seriously, he is a disgrace to his fellow tyrannosauruses, and a danger to all bones who have found their way out of the soil and into U.S. museums legally. How does he think these law-avoiding, um… exhibits feel the fact that he’s taking away their jobs?

    I just hope that we use many tax dollars to solve this very important issue. The future of our children, and the tranquility of every million-old skeleton depends on it.

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