‘Wildman’ Romney Defies Cop, Slow Speed Escape from SWAT

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Mixed in with the stories surrounding Mitt Romney’s impish desire to join the Pro-Am Homo-Hating Coiffeur Tour is a less-reported story from Mittens’ arm length rap sheet. It’s not as pregnant with prankish, homophobic cheer, but it is a look into the mind of a man who is laughably and utterly clueless about how the rest of his species lives.

Tossed into his rich and simmering ragoût of stupid was Mittens’ recent offer to take Obama to the closet – um, poor word choice – woodshed for a good old fashioned water-ski whooping. But no golf. He hears Obama is good at that. Presumably, Mitt would borrow the Presidential barge for the match. I don’t blame him. In 1981, he tried to do the whole middle class water-ski thing and managed to get himself arrested for disorderly conduct. Not a big, Earth-shattering deal, but a deal nonetheless. The story goes something like this:

The Salt Lake Scion Goes to Jail

Mitt the PrickThe Salt Lake Scion, a true Masshole,was launching his boat at Cochituate State Park, MA. One of Cochituate’s finest took issue after seeing the boat’s registration painted over. After a ‘confrontation’ in which the ranger warned of a $50 fine, Mitt pulled out a crisp $50 and handed it to the ranger -  probably in much the same way he tips reporters after they write flattering stories. The Ranger promptly arrested him for disorderly conduct and everyone else stood around thinking, “Damn, I wish I could piss away $50 like that.”

The boorish Romney cash – valid only at the Salt Lake Tabernacle Gift Shop (sorry, no women allowed) – was bad enough. If I had defied the cop’s order to stop, I would’ve found myself prone on the pavement with a Glock to the back of my head or maybe even a pair of scissors in my hair.

Mitt, I know you’re a little thick, but here’s a simple example why your $50 payoff was just wrong.

Say I was speeding and was pulled over. I’m not allowed to throw a $50 out the window and assume that takes care of the whole thing. There are laws to be followed, and yes, they apply to you too. If I can’t just throw some money in the hat and drive off disregarding points on my license, higher fines for arguing with the cop, and additional fines for driving with Irish Setters strapped to the roof, neither can you. BTW, they apparently let you off the hook completely for having an unregistered boat so you should consider yourself lucky.

But he couldn’t leave it at $50 worth of dipshittedness. No, his defense was that he was wet and in a bathing suit when they hauled him off to the Natick lockup. His kids could see his embarrassment as he argued with the cops. Poor dears. I’m sure the cops were visibly moved by the sight of a grown man in madras swimming attire, especially when most of their clientele is vomit-covered and naked for their big night at the Soap on a Rope Invitational.

Ipso Facto, Caveat Emptor, Lorem Ipsum: INNOCENT!

He then went to court and defended himself by claiming the cop didn’t specifically tell him he would be arrested as a law-breaking swine – ipso facto, caveat emptor, lorem ipsum – he was innocent. He iced the cake by threatening to file unlawful arrest charges and backed that up using the firm legal principle that since the cop didn’t show up in court, he must be innocent.

Newsflash Newton, cops usually go to court on their own dime. No overtime. No pay at all. No water skiing with the kids and getting arrested for disorderly on a lost day off to attend to a shitheel like you. Shocking, I’m sure. Besides, what does the cop need a tax break for?

Um, Mitt? The rest of us don’t go to court. We’d be laughed out of the place for a story as lame as this. We pay the frickin’ fine, consider ourselves lucky that SWAT didn’t show up, and say, “Thank you for guarding my safety Mr. Law Officer, sir. I shan’t do it again. Have a good day!”

A very, very understanding  judge let you off, which explains why I’d never make it as a judge. Had you been in my court, I would’ve forced you to launch your boat – carefully supervised to ensure you do it legally this time – and I’d have dropped you overboard without your gold-plated water-wings.

Let me tell you buddy. You’re one lucky sumbitch.

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2 thoughts on “‘Wildman’ Romney Defies Cop, Slow Speed Escape from SWAT

  1. Romney should have been forced to wait in the jail holding tank, still wearing his Madras swimming trunks. Then the precinct personnel should have taken their sweet time processing his bail request, and “not noticed” while the other inmates were, uh, having fun with him.

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