Courtney Stodden: Ain’t She America

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Kim Kardashian was once asked if she knew what she was famous for. She replied, candidly and refreshingly, “I’m the girl with the big ass.” Some people might see that and lament the downfall of American civilization. I prefer to see the quintessential American story instead – parlaying nothing into a quite lucrative career. It don’t come much more entrepreneurial than that folks.

But the world is full of Kardashians – there are what, 67 or 68 of them? Every celebrity dynasty comes to an end and someone must rise to the top. After all, Paris isn’t that “hot” these days and Kim may have irretrievably damaged the Kardashian brand with her, um, marriage. And that’s saying something for a brand based on a sex tapeNot Safe For Work with a 3rd-rate hip hopper.

Off to Church

Courtney and Doug off to...wait for it...CHURCH!

There are plenty of candidates for new It Girl, but my money is on Courtney Stodden. She’s the 17-year old “entertainer” married to 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison. You can find her on TMZ, 54 million different gossip rags, or hanging out flashing tourists at Grauman’s Chinese to feed her very expensive attention habit. Heck, she’s probably outside your window right now.

Take a peek. I’ll wait.

Unlike Kim, who was a one-trick pony ass in comparison, Court is finding ways to diversify and leverage all her talents. Her chief attribute seems to be looking like a 37-year old MILF Not Safe For Work at the age of 17 – not unattractive in that stretched-skin, fake-tanned, huge HD-zits on her ass, porn star sort of way… by which I mean scary as hell.

Layered on those accomplishments is the “romance” with her dumbstruck – terminally dumbstruck according to doctors – hubby. She drapes herself over  him in shocking contortions that would give 12-year old Russian gymnasts nightmares. Her tongue, which is always in his ear, pulls away at least once every photo-op to profess their undying love for each other. Meanwhile, Doug doesn’t even get a speaking roll – life imitating art as it does. It’s his job to look like the sex truck just backed over him adding to Court’s irrotic appeal. He’s also free to collect donations for a raging case of tongue-induced swimmers’ ear, but they never discuss that torment on the air.

As for talent, she’s set. There’s her music video, Don’t Put It On Me, with 3,614,233 YouTube views. She’s working on CDs and acting careers, and all sorts of other super keen stuff – none of it apparently paying anything, but 17-year old MILF look-alikes can always get by on their looks in America.

The public appetite for Courtney hasn’t solidified yet, but there are some early predictors. She’s smart – NOT! She has her head screwed on right – NOT! And, her boobs are real – um, MAYBE!

But no matter how it works out, the world will have gotten another little celebuangel to dawdle with. A smart, strong, beautiful woman gutsily taking on the vicissitudes of Hollywood with style and panache along with the aging Lothario sidekick willing to follow her anywhere… as long as she picks up the bill.

Man, ain’t that America?

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2 thoughts on “Courtney Stodden: Ain’t She America

  1. Big,fake boobs always trump brains in the neverending quest to fill 24/7 news and gossip sites/television. Americans do have to penchant for making something out of nothing, even if it’s useless.