Newt Gingrich: Professor of Ignorati 101

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When The Big Dick likes you, you know you’re an asscake.

Update Gingrich’s Stock Plunges to 14% on InTrade

Newt Gingrich likes to promote himself as an academic with all the answers – academic answers similar to Creationism. The image fits well with his messianic complex as an oracle who preaches the perfection of what’s right – and we do mean right – and true. Plus, the “liberal” media gobbles it up like a plane crash making a smoking crater in the ground.

Of course, that doesn’t mean he lets facts get in the way. Newt has always had a loose grip on facts as foundations of academia. Accordingly, let’s say his academic credentials are a bit light.

In 1978, West Georgia College denied him tenure for failing to publish his “work”. He apparently felt that as God incarnate he needn’t follow the same rules as every other academic. God didn’t call to him. St. Newton of Gingrich called himself.

In 1993, he moved on to that world-class academic powerhouse, Kennesaw State College. He taught the appropriately pompous, “Renewing American Civilization”, because if anyone could do it, he could.

God Created the World in 6 Days, Newt Can Do it in 10 Weeks

By ’84, he’d spread his gospel by moonlighting at  the renown Reinhardt University. His Saving Private Ryan America class only lasted 10 weeks. Afterall, God created the world in a whirlwind 6 days, so Newt left himself a little more because God was a slap dash sort of fellow and Newt wanted to get it right this time.

The gig at Reinhardt was the beginning of his undoing. He was Speaker of the House while singlehandedly creating his Contract On America in his own graven craven image.

As Speaker, he was a strong leader in the image of Saddam Hussein. He left detractors in the desert to die. He scorched his friend’s earth. He developed partisan rancor to a level not previously seen. And, we still reap what he sowed.

Oh yeah, and he was schtupping several ladies while criticizing Clinton for his unseemly affairs of the cigar.

Newt quickly got a lesson in karma and why it’s stupid to piss people off – especially when they have power (even if you don’t think it can rival your own). That little “academic” moonlight gave rise to ethics charges that, if he’d been a more agreeable guy, probably would’ve been a slap on the wrist.

Spreading the Gospel of Newt
Newt 2011 is still spreading the Gospel of Newt. He pontificates and postures in a way that shames the true academic community. And to prove he’s all-knowing and seeing, Newt still does it like no one notices.

He has skin thinner than a condom (or John McThusela’s). He thinks it’s OK to put kids to work without acknowledging that’s a pretty tough sell – except for cronies who would never let it happen to their own kids. Notice he only preaches this for kids in certain kinds of neighborhoods – not rich ones, not ones where people don’t have money to send the kids to private schools, and not ones where No Every Child Left Behind (an evil Federal law BTW) forces teachers to teach tests instead of the three Rs.

Betting that Newt will muzzle himself to avoid catastrophe gets 0-to-0 odds. He’ll still be a Messiah that trips over his loose tongue, still has enough skeletons in his closet to fill the Parisian catacombs, and still can’t keep it in his pants – despite making a tiny head nod to God by way of an apology for breaking the Ninth Commandment and promising to not do it again … many earlier episodes and hypocrisy to the contrary.

Democrats are salivating over Newt as candidate precisely because he sees himself as God. And, Gods aren’t known for their humility. Perhaps this time they can avoid snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, but that’s not a bet I’d take.

The gaggle of Republican candidates with a combined IQ lower than a turnip have done themselves in. And despite Democrats’ Pavlovian drooling, Newt probably will too. That leaves Mitt Runaway who is congenitally unable to take a position. Cultist, 1 percenter defender of the 99 percenters (when it’s convenient), and all around numbskull will get the nod.

Democrats hope the New Messiah runs, but the best they’ll get is Romney – safe, literally every man in the chameleon sense – unless there’s a resurgent Donald Trump or Moose Mamma. A dead guy could beat them.

Oddly, Romney will be hard to beat. In an uncertain and ugly world, strength trumps courage and the fearful migrate to the candidate who seems dull and dazzles them with unintelligible bullshite. On the other hand, Newt is the Professor of Ignorati 101 and there are a lot of ignorant people out there.

The democrats will have a hell of a time winning and prior experience shows that even Newt may not change that.

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