Mitt Romney Doesn’t Have a Friend in the Angel Moroni

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Not long ago most Americans thought Mormons were an odd band of people who all lived in Salt Lake City, worshiped seagulls, and had a rockin’ choir. They knew nothing of Joseph Smith and the Laminites, that gold dude on the temple roof, or that SF 49er Steve Young is a direct descendant of Brigham Young. In fact, even today not many people know that Mormons aren’t Mormons at all, but members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or LDS for the “in-crowd”.

Despite regular visits from the white-shirted, tie-wearing, missionaries on bicycles, most people don’t know much more about them today. They’re a cult. They’re not a cult. They wear underwear with holes. They dress in good old Fruit of the Looms.

Mormon MittThe Republican 2012 field has way too many candidates and they fall with the regularity of old-growth trees in a clear-cut forest. Each struggles for a hook to rope in GOP rubes. Michele went for the wacky vote, Ricky Goodhair had his moment before stumbling around like Dubya, while the Godfather of Pizza cranks out Meat Lover’s Supremes for the conservative masses.

He’ll no doubt be gone next week, just like the others.

Meanwhile, the Mittster smiles and tries not to say anything. On paper at least, Mitt is a perfect candidate. He has the same fidelity to his positions as John McThusela. He’s as moderate as Richard Nixon and has nice hair. In fact, if you ignore the fact he’s a complete goob, the only thing wrong is that he’s a Mormon.

People invoke the parallels with the Kennedy election and they have a point. Kennedy was a squeaker because he was Catholic. But that’s where the similarity ends.

There were far more Catholics then, than Mormons now. Conventional wisdom says the Mormon can’t win, even though no one would bat an eye if another Catholic was behind the Holy Teleprompter. The Mormon take on votes would be a far smaller percentage than Catholics in the days of Camelot. There is also what I like to call The Hate Factor®.

At Least Catholics Keep Their Grass Cut

The nation has gone from seeing Catholics as the Grand Old Beelzebub Party to merely seeing them as non-threatening child molesters – nice neighbors as long as they keep their lawn cut.

We’ve moved on to hating Latinos, anyone who doesn’t speak English, and Muslims. There are few hateable groups left. However, Mormons might fit the bill, especially with their “candidate” being such a transparent Slick Mitty and moron.

If he makes it through the prelims, he likely wouldn’t win. I’d like to think that would be due to something actually real or political – like being such a transparent Slick Mitty and moron. But I’m sure it will be because Mormons hate Jesus, want Utah to secede from the union, and worship a funny gold weather vane called Moroni – which sounds dangerously like ‘moron’ to your garden variety Evangelical. Heck, Mormons probably say, “Happy Holidays” too.

Out of the Salt Flats of Bonneville

Defeated, Mitt will rise from the salt flats of Bonneville and become the second coming of Joseph Smith. He’ll lead his persecuted “cult” in search of the new Zion (or at least for a new home for the Olympics).

“Real” Christians won’t be placated though. They’ll demand Mormons be prohibited from building a Temple across the street from Ground Zero – or maybe even next to that nice Mosque they built down the street. After all, Muslims aren’t a cult. They believe in God..kinda. All it would take to bring them to Jesus is a good, old-fashion Halal fried chicken dinner.

Can I get an AMEN?!

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2 thoughts on “Mitt Romney Doesn’t Have a Friend in the Angel Moroni

  1. When the missionaries came to our door my Dad used to say he’d talk to them if they could tell him where Brigham Young’s summer home was. One guy came back two years running and missed it both times. My Dad refused to give him the answer for fear of letting the secret out to all the missionaries.

    Pssst. The answer is Soda Springs, ID. Mum’s tha woid.

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