Bipartisan Pootie Heads

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Bipartisan Pootie Headedness

Jesus or Jail, ‘Pay the Pastor on Your Way Out’
Bay Minette, AL Police Chief Mike Rowland wants to let misdemeanor criminal offenders work off their sentences in jail and pay a fine or go to church every Sunday for a year – where they presumably pay the fine off by way of the collection plate.

There’s the expected uproar and plenty of genuine Constitutional questions – not least of which is that while there are 56 churches participating, there are no mosques, Temples, or allowances for other religions. No word on how Scientologists would fare. Sure they’re misdemeanors, but isn’t not offering the choice to those not of the Christian faith sort of a de facto, “one strike, you’re out” conviction for everyone else?

Knock, Knock, Who’s in There
The Congressional Super Committee charged with closing the partisan divide over budgets has set to work and they’ve found a bipartisan way to piss off everyone – keep the public out entirely.

The committee has already met several times in secret and mum’s the woid on what they’re doing in there. According to Sen. John Kerry (D-Masshole), “I don’t want to discuss what we discussed“, or as his partner across the aisle, Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Azzhole) put it, “If you want to talk to somebody, talk to our two co-chairmen.” But, that might be a bit tough when they’re behind a closed frickin’ door!

Elections? Elections? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Elections

Gov. Bev Perdue, (D-North Crapweaslia) has the perfect way to end the fighting over budgets – suspend elections for two years while the Democans and Republicrats hammer out a bipartisan budget compromise.

“You have to have more ability from Congress, I think, to work together and to get over the partisan bickering and focus on fixing things,” she said.

No word from Perdue yet on just how you get more ability into Congress by suspending the very mechanism for getting ability into Congress – elections.

Hello, YIKES! That’s the Biggest Damn Palmetto Bug I’ve Ever Seen
Gov. Nikki Haley (R-South Stupidistan) put on her thinking cap this week and is now requiring SC state employees to answer the phone, “It’s a great day in South Carolina. How can I help you?”

“As hokey as some people may think it is, I’m selling South Carolina as this great, new (founded in 1663), positive state,” Haley says. I bet that’s a hard sell when the DMV answers your 35 minute call hold with, “It’s a great day at the DMV…”

The unfortunately named state Democrat party chair and SC-booster, Dick Harpootlian, begs to differ. “She believes that if you say the lie enough, people may begin to believe it. But we know the state is in the toilet,” he said when citing SC’s fourth highest unemployment rate of 11.1%.

Webernets bloggernaut Gawker agrees. If this doesn’t fix everything, Gawker suggests, “Haley will rename the state ‘The Awesomer Carolina, Bitches’ and then just hope for the best.”

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